Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My sister and I don’t get along

Controlling Mother

Salaamu eileikoum.

I'm sorry to say me and my older sister don't get along. I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried talking to her in a rational way, but it always ends in screaming or tears. It been going on since we were little, but I can see now it's really hurting my mom, and that's the last thing I want to do. We are both grown adults, but she is several years older. I tried for years to have 'sbar' and don't talk back to her, but she is very disrespectful. She never believes me and she always thinks I don't have the insight to make decisions on my own. Also she likes to make fun of me in front of our family and/or friends. When my mother hugs me or shows me affection, she always comments about us being close in a negative way.

After a couple of times, I talk back to her and then she screams. I've never been able to express to her how I feel, without her screaming.
She feels like I'm the younger sister so I should never talk back. I do respect this but after a while I just don't care anymore. The most important thing is that this hurts my mother. We should be able to get through a meal or a family visit without fighting and hurting our mother.

I'm really not perfect either, and when I'm fed up, I am harsh. But this is a problem she has with my mother and brother also, while me and my brother and mother never fight this way. Only with me it's more extreme because she doesn't dare to talk to our older brother this way.

How do I solve this?? I'm just so tired of defending myself.


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4 Responses »

  1. Wa 'alaikum as-salaam warahmatullahi wabarakaatuh sister,

    I'm so sorry to hear what you have been going through with your sister.

    I'd suggest that you talk to any close relative that your sister respects very much and feels shy from (perhaps your older brother/Aunt/Uncle etc if that would help). Let that person talk to your sister and draw her attention to her bad behavior, and then perhaps advise her to get some professional counselling (perhaps the both of you need to get some professional counselling).

    May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala unite between you and your sister in good, and grant you peace and the wisdom to understand each other. Ameen!

  2. you know what? i had had the exact problem with my sister while we both were young.
    she was negative and would never love me for anything. if she would ever get to know that i am also goinng for shopping with my mother and her, she would refuse going out because i was also going. that was such an emotional trauma. but alas it ended as we grew up and she got married. she has now new things to concentrate and get worried about. and she has grown so sweeter towards me as well.
    let your sis get married. when she will know that it's you and only you who she can share her problems with, she would acknowledge your worth and would start treating you good. 🙂

  3. omg i am having a same problem my older sister and i ALWAYS argue literally my whole family has enough of it. wallah we cant have a convo without arguing. im getting so annoyed and tired of it. shes such a hypocrite and she always makes it look like im the bad guy . i just cant wait for her ass too get married.

  4. Sisterly rivalry or fights may be due to several reasons. One of the most observed reason is where the sisters are compared subconsciously, and one of them is psychologically affected because of this. Then the series of events associated with this comparision is the result - sibling rivalry, deep down they admire how the other one is but, circumstances have not been fair enough for them and she could not outshine, this is the mostly the reason why there is a fight with no rational or logic.
    Trying to avoid situations that causes these drifts and emotional scenes may help. Don't let any of these happen, like mom showing love openly in front of the other sibling that does not get along with others. Avoiding social gathering for a few occasions, let her get the attention in a good way, let her feel something is missing around her. We are the ones who make or mar the relationships. A bit of effort from us helps resolving delicate issues. Hope your conflicts and stress comes to rest and every one is happy!

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