Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My sister got a positive istikhaara, but the boy’s father will not agree

Muslim woman praying, saying dua' in Masjid


dear brothers and sisters in islam

i would like to have your advice on a very important matter. i have an elder sister. she is 22. mashallah she is a pious muslimah. she prays five times, fasts in ramadhan. she does everything that allah has ordered muslims to do. she never speaks with non- mahram.

recently she got a marriage proposal from a very islamic brother. he was in school with her. she has never spoken with him throughout their school life. he also never tried to speak to her during their school. after their school was over he asked for her email id so that they'll be in touch as he was going abroad for his higher studies. my sister gave him her email id. he used to wish her on eid. thats it. that was the conversation they had.

recently he sent an email to my sister that he wants to talk to her regarding some important matter. she gave him her no. he called and told her that he wants to marry her. he wanted to marry her right from the time they were in school but he wanted to get settled first. he told her that it would have been inappropriate if he would have  told her about his feelings before as both of them were too young to get married. he told my sister that he was waiting for the right time to propose to her. he told my sister that he wants to approach our parents and do everything in a halaal way.

my sister spoke to us and our parents gave our consent after checking his background and everything about him. she finally said yes to him.

he was extremely happy by her positive response. he said he waited all these years just to hear yes from my sister's mouth. he told my sister that he is going to tell his parents about it as he had not told them yet. when he told his parents, his mother was happy but his father objected as our social status do not match. we are from a middle-class family and they are quite rich.

the problem is that he wants to marry my sister badly but he can't convince his father and he does not want to marry without his father's consent. meanwhile my sister performed istikhaara 7 times and the result came out positive. my sister developed feelings for him and with each passing day the feelings are getting stronger.

she is very sensitive. if she will not get married to him. she'll not be able to marry anyone else as he is the first guy she has ever spoken to. she has just spoken to him on phone thrice and the conversation was halaal. my mother was always there when she used to speak with him. i just want to know that since the istikhaara came out to be positive can we pray that she gets married to him and his parents accept my sister with open arms.

please help me. i can't see my sister crying like this. she is under severe depression.

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15 Responses »

  1. Salaam brother,

    I am sorry to hear about your sisters situation.
    The best thing you can do is pray for your sister and pray that this brothers fathers heart softens towards her. His reasons are unislamic, but unfortunately there is little you can do. In this situation I would recommend that the boy tries to get an imam to convince his father. Of course this is at the discretion of the brother who wants to marry her.

    Be there for your sister, remind her that Allah swt has a plan for her and if her and this guy are supposed to marry they will marry. Also she should try to avoid talking to him to avoid getting any deeper feelings.

    May Allah swt soften his parents hearts.

    Sara Editor

  2. Mashallah...what a wonderful brother you are for caring so much about your sister! May Allah almighty hear your prayers and those of your sister...may the father of this young man open up his heart and think of his sons happiness and well being before he thinks of his social status...amin.

  3. asalamualaikum
    jazakallah for your kind words. please pray that my sister gets married to him. i can't see her like this.

  4. Salaam Brother,

    Allah says in His Book, I quote a small portion of Surah Al Imraan, Ayat 3,

    إِنَّ الدِّينَ عِندَ اللّهِ الْإِسْلاَمُ

    Inna alddeena AAinda Allahial-islaamu

    Verliy Judgment with Allah is Al Islam.

    It is Allah's judgment that you enter in to peace. One who enters Islam enters in peace in dunya and aakhirah. Hence, whatever decision you and your sister make along with your family, consider in mind - Islam - to get in to piece.

    Keep aside all other issues, look at the reality, see if things work out in peace and lead to peace, by the will of Allah and Surrender to His will by entering his judgment that you get in to peace.

    So if diagreement of father causes problems and disrupts peace of any nafs, better avoid it. If peace is there among both families and boy and girl, insha Allah go for it with Allah's name.

    Your brother.

  5. Assalaamu alaikum.

    The pens have been lifted and the ink has dried. Dreams on Istikhaara are an indication but they do not foretell taqdeer. Allah Ta'aala alone knows the future. If he is good for her and she for him,then may Allah Ta'aala unite them and open up their parents minds and hearts to the idea. Verily,Allah Ta'aala is with every grieving heart. Tell her to make alot of du'aa and ask Allah Ta'aala for what is best for her in this world and the Hereafter. You may think something is good for you while Allah knoweth it is not,and you may dislike something but it is better for you. May Allah Ta'aala guide both parties to the right desicion. Aameen.

  6. Asalamu alaikum dear brothers and sisters
    i am in urgent need of your help. my sister is under severe depression. today she asked me a question and i had no answer. i would be really grateful to you if you would help me answer her question. she asked me if her nikah with the boy is not written in her qadr, then why did allah made him propose to her, why did allah put feelings in her heart. she is not in contact with him anymore, but her feelings are getting stronger with each passing day. she asked me she had never spoken to any non- mahram before, then why did allah made her speak to him? i am clueless. i don't know how to console her. she cannot concentrate on her studies. she is studying for a master's degree in physics. please help me and make dua for my sister that all her hardships get replaced with ease.

  7. @ Brother: There is something called "free will"...Allah gave your sister and that man free will to choose what they want to do with their lives. He has nothing to do with it - so your sister's questions and anger at Allah are unjustified. Now, she has to have the will power to study for her exams and make her life go in higher directions - if God forbid she fails, Allah is not telling her not to study/concentrate....she should in that case not blame Him again - see what I am trying to say here?

  8. @serendipity sister is not angry at allah. in fact all this has brought her even closer to allah. she is just trying to figure out the reason behind all that has happened to her. she never thought about that boy. and out of the blue he proposed to her. now she is in love with him. she does not speak to him and she is not in contact with him. but her feelings towards him are getting deeper and stronger. my sister is just trying to find the reason behind all this.

    • Brother,

      Was just thinking the other day about my husband's niece. A man came and asked for her hand in marriage. Her family said, "no". That very same man came back not one, but four more times...he did not give up. That very same man would finally hear the words, "yes". A very persistent man he was. The couple married and have been married for about six years and are blessed with two healthy and beautiful children. Neither she nor he could be happier.

      I guess the moral of my story is...don't give up. Although parents do love us and care very much about us and our health and well being, they do not know everything. Often, parents look to a families status and wealth only to overlook the amazing person in question.

      My daughter has had a young mans family come twice to ask for her hand in marriage. My husband says, "no". Why? This man's father is not the right color. I love the mother and her daughters and if they are any indication of how their son is, I think he would be a great match for my daughter. I have never seen him nor has my daughter. My daughter is saddened that she is not being given the opportunity to meet this young man to make the decision herself to determine if he is a good match or not. husband denies her that right. I for one do not think that is right nor the right way for a Muslim to think nor behave. The mother called me yet again...awkward that conversation was. Do you know what I told her? Yup, I said, "let him come ask again". Nothing ventured, nothing gained I say.

      So, if this young man wants your sisters hand in marriage...he must be persistent with his father. It will give his father a lot to think about and maybe...just maybe, he will stop long enough to think about his sons wants and desires and not his own.


      • @ Najah: That was a wonderful story/outcome for someone who strived for what he wanted and got it. Now if the shoe were on the other foot, would persistence from a woman for a guy she liked and he could not get the guts to marry her even though they really care about each other and love each other work? Or would it be seen as the woman being "cheap and desperate"?

        • If he didn't have the guts to marry her, how could it work? What woman wants to pursue a man who supposedly cares and loves her yet, doesn't have the guts to put a ring on her finger and marry her?

          I knew of a young woman years ago who was deeply in love with a man. They had dated for years I believe. He ended his relationship with her as was tired of living a life of sin and wanted to get close to Allah. She was devastated by his abrupt actions. I lived in the apartment below this man and I could hear her knocking non stop. The knocking would go on for hours. When she would finally leave, the blood from her hand would be upon the door. I never saw her actions as "cheap or desperate" for she was in love. She did what she needed to do in order to try and do whatever she could to keep what they had.

          I guess every persons situation is different and far be it from me to judge another persons actions. Allah knows best.

      • @najah
        please pray for my sister. please pray that allah swt grants strength to the boy to speak to his parents and convince them. please pray that my dear sister gets married to him and his parents accept her with open arms and shower their love and blessings on her.

      • I agree with sister Najah.

        Sometimes persistence portrays how serious he is about you and how much he really wants you well as changing the parents mind.

        Was salaam

  9. @ Brother
    R-E-L-A-X, Bro! What I was trying to convey was that she is going thru the typical stages of grief at the loss of her dream of marrying this man....denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance of the situation. You took my words literally! The only one we turn to in such situations is Allah himslef....She should consider this a blessing, bec only He knows that maybe in the long run, this man would not have been a good husband - that should be enough reason for someone who as you say has become closer to Allah and then should accepts Allah's reasons unknown to us, for preventing this relationship from going thru further.

  10. i'm going the same situation..the boy's father is not accepting our relation bcoz of there any special dua i make can so that i can marry the boy with his father's approval??....

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