Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My sister in law is in a difficult situation

Muslim woman in hijab

Hello,

My problem is in relation to my sister in law (my wife sister) who got married roughly 4 months ago in March 2017 in Pakistan. Her husband stayed with her for 10 days after marriage and went back to Saudia where he works.

My sister in law as is custom stayed with her in laws. Before marriage in the "baat paaki" phase which was roughly 1 year her in laws where very nice to her, giving her dua and bringing her gifts. So naturally everyone thought everything was all good and its a nice home. After marriage things suddenly took turn to the worse. There were some weird ideas that she had to face. One concerning thing was even though she had her own room in the house, she was not allowed to sleep or stay in her room and was told she has to sleep with her mother in law while her husband is away. She was also told she has to work and clean the home for everyone and was regularly given taunts for not doing things correctly. As if that was not enough, she was also not allowed to eat what she desired. My sister in law usually eats fruits like apple etc and chips or fries but they wouldn't bring these thing deliberately and would try to force her to eat what they made that didn't suit her. When she would discuss this with her husband he would say he can't do anything and will listen to his parents.

My sister in law tried to adjust hoping eventually things would get better however it seemed they were not happy with pretty much anything she did. When we spoke to her she regarding there nature she mentioned they believe that wives should be kept in there place and made to do house work and not question them over anything. Her mother in law and sister in law along with her brother in law would taunt her for various things. When again she would discuss this with her her husband he would blame her for all the problems. Her husband would also not send any financial support to her and when she asked for some money he would say to go ask her father in law and not him.

Things naturally got worse cause the girl was not happy but she felt compelled to stay cause she didn't want to bring shame to her family. We thought when her husband would come after 3 months we would discuss and sort it out. He did come after 3 months and we went to him he did offer to make things right so we agreed. However, right after we left he started arguing again with my sister in law that she ridicules his family and him in front of her parents and that they don't respect her. He said they are the boys family and can do whatever they like.After a few weeks while her husband was with her things did not get better, he would always threaten her that if she decided to leave he would get married again and would not leave her , but in fact humiliate her and her family in public. Eventually my sister in law mother could not take it anymore. My sister in law felt that keeping everyone else aside if her husband is not with her there is no point in her staying with her and going through daily doses of these taunts and threats was not worth sacrificing all your life.

Eventually her mother bought her back home and told her husband she wont send her back. When they learnt of this her husband made a scene of it in her colony shouting he wont divorce her and started making calls out to my sister in laws extended relatives saying her mother and sister want to break there home and that they are holding her back.It was quiet embarrsasing for everyone cause nobody in her family had dealt with such individuals and situations and at that time everyone agreed they will ask for Khula.

Now the problem is after a few days he has been reaching out back messaging her that he will accept all her demands and that he will full fill all her wishes. Suddenly a person who never spoke up for her on anything now was saying he will do whatever she says and will take her to Saudia with him and all starting to make tall claims.  When we spoke to his parents again they said they don't agree with what there son is doing and that they will not change any of there actions or behavior towards my sister in law and will keep her the same way as they did before. The problem is nobody wants to break any muslims home but its very hard for us to "Trust" this man on anything he says. His family is not with him , he is claiming he will do everything, my sister in law family is not comfortable in sending her outside the country because she is not really smart in anyway, has never ever left her city let alone Pakistan and doesn't even know the outside world. Also we dont have anyone in saudia who can monitor her. Also, we are not sure if he is sincere or just want to have her come back and may be ground her by trying to have a kid. Things are in a limbo and even though initially everyone agreed they want a khula. Now they are not sure. Nobody wants to say to let her go with him or not cause nobody naturally want to be responsible for whatever happens with her. Islamicaly we also understand Allah Tallah hates divorce more than anything, however, at the same time we can't allow her to live a life of problems and misery if things again turn for the worse. Everyday has been difficult since she was at her in laws.

So I just wanted to get an idea about how should we approach this issue. The problem is the "Trust" factor nobody is really sure what to do. If you can assist in anyway it would be much appreciated.

ra03ra

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5 Responses »

  1. Bismillah,
    I think you would ruin that relationship by getting involved.

  2. I wouldn't trust this man because of his track record. Especially when He said he would change after moving to a different country and after the family mentioned khulu. It very well be that he has good intentions but you never know and it's better to stay on the safe side. And especially moving to a country where she doesn't know anyone or have help.

  3. I think there are a lot of misconceptions about divorce in Islam. It is disliked without good reason. Where there are grounds for it, it is permitted.

    The male Companions of the Prophet saws divorced when the need arose. The female companions also asked for divorce or took khula when needed. The Prophet saws himself divorced two women with whom he had not consummated the marriage with. He also divorced Hafsa the daughter of Umar, may Allah be pleased with them both. He divorced her as he was displeased with an aspect of her character. He then took her back upon the command of Allah swt.

    So after all this evidence I find it baffling when people say that divorce is hated by Allah! It's a mercy of Allah swt that He permitted divorce so that people would find a way out of unhappy marriages.

    Your sister in law should not go back to this man. Her in laws are oppressive. And her husband is unstable. His behaviour, i.e. contracting her relatives to shame her is evidence of that. She should not go back to him. She certainly should not travel to a foreign land to live with him where she has no family to support her should things go wrong.

    He has not proved himself to be a stable, responsible or trustworthy man. Your sister in law needs support to leave this marriage. This is not breaking up a marriage. It is helping someone escape an abusive relationship.

    Allah is kind. He hates injustice. Your sister in law has been oppressed by this man and his family. Please don't allow injustice to continue

  4. Your wife's sister should get a divorce and find a way to get far from her husband and his family. The entire situation is criminal. She should not be concerned about honor. Her family should be concerned about her safety. Every right a wife is entitled to has been taken from her. She was practically a slave in her husband's family's home. There is nothing Islamic about the situation. Your wife's family should step up to the plate and rescue her sister.

    Brother Ali needs to delete his comment. It is so out of line that I would suspect he would do the same thing to someone he is married to. Not getting involved is why so many innocent women are treated like slaves, servants, are abused throughout the entire so-called Muslim world. His wife's sister is being abused. How can he NOT be involved.

  5. Let her go to Saudi with him.. As he is alone there, and both will get some time together which is most of the times helpful for the couples when there is no third person around to spoil their relationship..
    May be that guy have consulted some Aalim, or some sensible friends and now he knows more about the rights he is supposed to give to his wife. You can take chance as it's not that long time they have spent together in the wedlock and company of each other.

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