Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My sister is in a online relationship

My sister's been talking to this guy from Dubai for at least a year now. I've tried doing everything to stop her. I've tried explaining to her that she's committing a sin etc. She doesn't listen and carry's on doing what she does. She hasn't had any physical contact with the guy. When I try telling her the Islamic rules she just says to me that they haven't touched each other and that they don't talk about anything other than normal day to day stuff and that he's religious and loves her a lot. I've spoken to the guy and he seems okay but I still don't want him or my sister to be going against their religion.

Also since she's been talking to him she's become really cranky and negative about everything. She doesn't treat me with respect or any other family member. My parents don't know about her talking to this guy online and I don't want to tell them as I would lose my sister, and the trust she has in me. If my parents find out about this they will be devastated as they have strictly forbidden us to have on line contact with anyone and also to go on social networks.  I feel like I can't do nothing to prevent this from happening.

She says that he will come ask for her hand etc. I have told her that you don't know this guy fully enough to trust him that much but she justblocks off all that I say.  I have tried all the possible ways to stop her from speaking to this guy but I've failed. It's getting worse as they have now seen each other on webcam and they seem to get more emotionally attached to each other each day.Can you please help. What can I do to stop her? I just want her to realize the wrong step she's taking.

Thanks.  

ArabicSister

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7 Responses »

  1. Dear ArabicSister,

    If your sister refuses to stop talking to this internet man, I think the best thing you can do is to encourage your sister to let this man come and visit your parents. You are right, there will be lots of things that your sister does not know about him although she may think she knows enough about him to marry him - this is her naiivety. There are many dangers on speaking to men on the internet and this is one reason why having an open relationship with parents is so important here. The best case scenario would be that she tell her parents about this man and they help her to assess his suitability as a spouse. But most likely, I imagine, your/her parents will go ballistic like most parents.

    Your sister is most probably getting cranky because - she feels inlove with this man whom she has been in contact with for over a year, she wants to progress things but does not know how to, and perhaps she feels that she will get no family support in pursuing him. So - ArabicSister, this situation needs 'damage control'. You cannot 'make' your sister listen, but you can help to keep her safe. How can you do this?

    Instead of telling her off and telling her that she is sinning, ask her about this man. He may actually be a nice genuine guy. So perhaps ask the following, as one would for any proposal:
    ~ How did she meet him on the internet?
    ~ Has he shown clear interest that he wants to marry her?
    ~ Why does she want to marry him?
    ~ What is his level of deen?
    ~ What does he do for a living? Can he support and maintain her as a husband?
    ~ How old is he?
    ~ Has he shown willingness to meet her parents with a view to marriage?
    ~ Is he happy for her parents to make enquiries about him to verify his suitability?
    ~ Does he understand that he will most likely face a very negative inital response from your/her parents when they come to know of this relationship?
    ~ Where does you sister want to live after marriage? Is she willing to re-locate to Dubai or is this ma willing to relocate to your sister's country?
    ~ Does she know any mutual person who can vouch for this man's character? This is very important as she actually only knows him from behind a screen and not in reality.
    ~ How strong is your sister in her Deen. Remind her to ask Allah to give her strength and clarity. Remind her to come closer to Allah through Salaah, Quran and Sunnah and He(swt) will make things easier for her inshaAllah.

    ***
    If you try to understand your sister and discuss things with her instead of rebuking her, she will stop being so defensive and feel more comfortable to meet you half way. Let her share her findings and her feelings with you. Give her a chance and try to be part of the solution, not the problem.

    Tell your sister the internet man should come and meet your/her parents as soon as possible. Any hesitancy from his side should ring very loud red alarm bells. If he refuses to come to meet the parents OR if he gives no good reason for not being able to come soon, warn your sister that you will then tell your parents - and don't bluff, mean it and go through with it. Parents are stronger than you think, they are programmed to deal with the problems of their children - its part of the job description!

    Sorry for the quick reply! I have to run to work!

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Dear sister we live in Canada and it would be nearly impossible for the guy to come over to ask for my sister's hand. He's not got any relatives in Canada that could visit our house instead of him.

      I've personally had a chat with the guy to find out how he's like. He seems to be genuine but not compatible to our family. He's currently studying but not working so he won't be able to support my sister in anyway right now. He's told her that he'll come ask for her hand in marriage after 4 years, once he's finished studying. I asked him if he's told his parents about my sister or the the relationship they have and he said no because they would kill him. The only people from his side that know about this are his friends who are only available over the internet. God knows if they are real or not!

      The thing is that I can't tell my parents about this right now even if I would want to because at the moment we are in such a situation that mentioning this problem would ruin everything. Plus even if the guy came to ask for her hand in marriage, my parents will never accept it. I know this very well. They have a very old fashioned way of thinking.

      She believes that because it's been over a year being in a relationship with him, that she knows everything about him. It drives me crazy to think about the situation my sister is putting herself into. Right now I have kind of given up on her and left it all on Allah swt.

      • Dear sister cupcake Asalamu Alaikum

        My younger sister used to be in same situation as your sister.She used to have an online relationship with a guy.When I came to know about her relationship I said her what she is doing is wrong & she told me that they love each other & he promised her that he will marry her after finishing his studies.I told her how will a person marry you just by meeting you online?and he even dont know who you are or where you live.I told her to ask him that is he really willing to marry her?he said yes.Then i ask him to come and ask her hand in marriage he said he dosent knows where we live.Then I told him that i will tell him where we live.Then he said not now because he is not ready.I ask him why?and he didnt answer me.

        the next day he came & started contacting my sister again.I toke the laptop from her & I ask him that did his parents know about his relationship with my sister?he said no they dont.i ask him why?and he reply me that they will kill him if they came to know about that.I then ask him why do you think they will kill you?dont you want to marry what is the wrong about that?if you know that you are doing the right thing so what makes you scare not to tell them?if he is was serious about his relationship he will not hide it from his parents.he didnt answer me.Then I tell him that dont you think they do that because it is haram?he even not answer me i keep on asking him and he was not replying me.then i came to know that he is one of those guys who play with girls and he was just lying about marring my sister. I explain him that talking to non-mehrams or having any relationship with a non-mehram is haram in Islam & it is a sin.i told him to have faith in Allah and ask His forgiveness and end this contact forever.I didt tell my parents about anything.I keep on encouraging my sister & she is only 15 years.I explain her what she is doing is wrong but she keep on saying to me that she loves him and she can never leave him.I told her to have patience and have faith in Allah.And the boy keeps on sending messages to my sister everyday.It was to hard for me to keep her away but I didnt lose hope I keep everyday praying for her and encouraging her to stay away.So i just toke the laptop away from her and i hide it.She ask me to return it I said no & if she keeps on contacting him I will tell my mom.She begged me too much not to tell my mom and return the laptop back to her.I hold her hand I told her dear sis what you doing is a sin and you are displeasing Allah.this guy is just playing and lying to you he dont what to marry you at all.I keep always advising her and doing dua for her.And Alhamdulillah she came to realize her mistake.She stopped contacting him even if he message her and she repent to Allah.She started learning quran and look over her studies.And she started searching important websites on the internet about Islam,wildlife,history & stories of prophet(s.a.w)..And she wants to become a Quranic teacher when she grew up.

        seriously sister if I was in your place I could have done the same to your sister.Sometimes it might be difficult to change someones attitudes but by being strong and having faith in Allah and having more patience we can change them if Allah wills.Be polite to your sister and advise her everyday. such guys are just playing with girls how many of them had found the real story at the end.the person who wants to marry you will never talk to you behind a screen or not to tell his parents about you,he will come straight forward and ask your hand openly.searching someone to marry on the internet is not the right way to find a true person who will marry you truly.So try to be strong and more patience and encourage your sister to stop what she doing. this guy is just lying many girls have fall in such traps.wake up at night & pray salatul-Tahajjud and do dua for your sister and inshallah Allah will guide her to the right path.Dont lose hope dear sister keep on trying your best & Allah will surely bless you.Saja.

  2. Dear Sisters,

    What I have to say today to you i have not said it before to anyone> i have ran these thoughts in my head several times and only said it to ALLAH. im married for 14 years now. from the beginning i had to work although i hated working life i so much wanted to be a good house wife and good mother to be. my husband which was a love marriage i married because the truth is i was never liked by anybody else then him. Cousins were getting married that was my age and the truth is i didnt think anyone like him would like me as Im not fair and very beautifull. Any way when we married he made it very clear i had to work as he didnt earn a good salary and also we were going to live on our own. i agreed thinking after my first son i could leave but then he also said that he didnt like a woman to sit at home and get fat. because his very handsome i didnt want him to loose interest in me so i worked. i always earned a better salary then him he wants tried to have an affair and i caught him he was very sorry and promised never to do it again. he lost my trust completely then up to today. By then i also wanted to be the woman he wanted to so continued to work through my two kids which family looked after and i sometimes think killed a bit of the mother i could have been in me. i changed jobs and always earned better then him. he use to be very happy with me when i worked and if i was out of a job it caused a tension and when i brought it up he would he told me he liked a working woman. i eventually stuck at a very good job for about 8 years and earned very well in this time he lost his job and with the help of my family and me he set up his own business. he promnised when it got better i could leave but i had to put the pressure on to eventually leave and be home. the business took care of us for a couple of good years then all of a sudden things began to go bad since last year but even worst this year. I dont have a good rlationship with a certain family member on his side of the family and noticed that at times my husband is off me when something coumes up about this person and yet ALLAH alone is my witness that i have done no wrong to this person. Also my brother has helped us out with some money and my husband needs more and like put me on a guilt trip that my brother cant help us again. he some how takes out all of this on me i have always been the one to make it happen for us my personality is like that. im not afraid to make the calls and pull the strings. and when i get things right he so happy with me but when things are bad he some how holds me responsible. I've realised it so now if ever things do come right i dont feel the any honesty in his love cause i feel like i spoilt him with my personality of making things happen for us. Now when im sitting back and he cant make it his taking it oput on me. Im hating my life and myself right now I've done alot of good for people who have turned on me and i wonder why. I have prayed and begged ALLAH but to no avail. Please just listen to me may be i just needed to tell someone and i dont have the guts to bad mouth my husband to anyone not even my own family. And nowim caught with no one to talk to or sahre my feelings I've always been loyal to lots of people but i feel like no one genuinely likes me for whom I am not even my husband Im liked for what I can do for them and now it really hurts.

    • razeena, I appreciate that this has been difficult for you to express. I ask you to please log in and write this as a separate post, so we can advise you Insha'Allah, rather than detract attention from the author of this post..

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • May Allah swt give you patience and get rid of all your problems. Insha'allah sister you'll be rewarded for the sacrifices you are making. Please give lots of time to your kids as they need their mother the most. Hope everything works out for you. I'll pray for you!!

  3. Assalamualaikum sister cupcake,,

    When I was reading your post, it was only like a reflection of myself. I was in the same position as your sister is now. I wasn't really surprised to know your sister's change about her behavior as I also did. To be honest, my intention to chat was only to improve my English but then it was not in my hand to fall in love with a guy I met online. We had been talked to each other for almost a year and that feeling just grew up without being realized. He was serious about me and wanted to marry me but the case was that he lives so far, I'm in Indonesia and he is in India. I loved him dearly and talked about that to my parents. I tried to convince them but it didn't really work. They forced me to move away from him. It made me so sick mentally. I was not able to cope with the pain I was going through until my condition got worst. I used to be sad, lonely, desperate and could only cry. It happened for about 2 months. My family, specially my parents couldn't only watch me totally changing. They took me to somewhere and I did "Ruqyah". They thought that there was something wrong with me. I just did what they wanted me to do as I was also fed up with the condition I had to face. Till Alhamdulillah, I can get over it with many supports from people surrounding me and I also firmly wanted to be like me as I was who used to be cheerful, happy and pious In Shaa Allah.

    The case is that we really need to know is the guy whom your sister talks to really serious about marrying your sister or not. If he intends to come after 4 years then she better leaves that guy. There are many possibilities that can happen in the time between. Moreover, it will only increase more sins to be in touch with no legal relationship while waiting for the time he can come. It is useless and wasting time. What you need to do is talk to your sister gently, be her friend and let her tell about that openly, I had ever been in such situation so I know how she feels when others wanna speak against her. It won't work. You need to be more patient when talking to her. Guide her to know how we should behave with our non mahram. Tell her decently that what she is doing is wrong. The matter is how the way you tell her, good things can be unacceptable when it is improperly conveyed. I believe that you could manage this In Shaa Allah. I can see a sincere love that you have for your sister. Rely on Allah that He will help her out. Keep praying to Allah.

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