Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My son has a girlfriend and doesn’t seem to be bothered about not praying.

Aslm.

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Culture clash

Dear Brother/Sister in Islam, I'm a revert to Islam now that my oldest son is 18, he seems to have turned his back on what we've brought him up with, as parents. He has been at an islamic nursery andan islamic primary school,his secondary education was at a catholic school, I thought that would be the lesser of the 2 evils rather than a school without any faith.

He met his current girlfriend through blackberry. He's not ready or not interested in getting married yet. I spoke to the father of the girl whom I name Linda(not her real name)and said: my son has my permission to come to your house and spend time with Linda. My son was standing next to me during this conversation and out of fear of losing my son I reluctantly agreed. However, now it's been going on for about roughly 2 months and he starts leaving the parental home more frequently to visit Linda who lives in an other city in England.

I'm not sure what to do, my husband is suggesting to me that we have to ask Nori(not his real name)to leave the parental home and live by himself then hopefully,Incha Allah, he'll return to his senses. I'm hurt, confused and unsure as to what would be the best solution especially for Nori.

Please, don't turn my question down as it has turned our lives upside down.Even as I'm aware some Brothers & Sisters are in worse situations,may Allah help and guide us all,amin.

Ma Salaama,fiamanillah!!!!

Your sister in islam,

Maartje.

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6 Responses »

  1. N/B there would be no paragraph etc on this post of mine because am using my phone to send it,,.. Salaams sister maartje, with no offense pls, as a mother, you must do all you can to maintain you boy on the right path. The mistake you made was when you admit him to be with the girl, you willingly gave him your support to go ahead and this is totally wrong, so this is the genesis of the problem.. You are giving your child the guts and freedom to leave life the way he wants, which is not suppose to be so. One day he would be out of your control and you cannot do anything about it by then... As a mother, it is ur duty to raise your children morally and to correct/stop them when they want to deviate from the right path. First you must try to correct him lightly and gently by advicing him and informing him of the negetive effect of what he's doing.. Then if he persist in doing that, then you try to correct him by showing your anger, by querelling and threatening him, by not letting him rest and by telling him how disappionted you are.. This would make him leave his wrong way and do the right thing.. Again dont allow him to leave the parental house coz he would only grow worse due to the freedom,, my advice is call him and tell him how bad you feel about the relationship and other things he's doing and warn him to stop it. Then when he persist in doing the wrong things, then you try the harsh way by showing him your (mom and dad) anger etc,, if he sees this, he would change inshaallah.. May Allah guide us all.

  2. Walaiakum salam sister Maartje,
    Unfortunately this problem is too common these days and more saddening is the fact that parents don’t seem to instil true teachings of our deen in the children from a very young age. I don’t know what kind of environment you have in house but just putting a child in a faith school, sending them to mosque for tajweed or tafsir classes etc etc is not enough. Living in the West where almost everything goes against teaching of Islam makes it almost difficult and parents need to put extra effort to make sure that their children are safe from the fitnah around them in the form of environment at school, print and electronic media, people around them etc etc.
    Also, another problem is that easy availability of things such as mobile phones, computers etc etc. I am not saying that these things should be banned for kids of certain age but one should keep an eye on children as to how they use these things. These blackberry phones comes with their own messengers and all the blackberry users can connect with each other as far as they have wifi/3G no matter which part of the world they live in. On top of that I think what made you child even more bold is how you handled the situation just out of fear of losing your son. You could speak to your son in person before confronting this girl’s father and warn him of his actions and they go against the teachings of our beautiful deen. You could invite an imam or learned person (ideally who your son respects or has known for some time) to speak to your son if he didn’t listen to you or his father.
    I don’t agree with the solution that your husband has proposed by just asking him to leave the house. What if they both move out and live together or he simply moves with that girl in her parent’s house and start living as couples? What next? Get her pregnant and claim a house/apartment. Sister, you are in a difficult situation no doubt but think logically and be patient because often times we make a bigger mess when we rush. It’s not like you are living in a country where children are totally dependent on their parents; it’s different over her e in UK. So, I would request you to please make a lot of dua as Allah (swt) as you are a MOTHER; and you have a special place. Also, in the mean time; speak to your son; you can show him what Quran and Hadith say about such haram relationships; give him some articles written on pre-marital haram relationships; any practical examples around you. I would never recommend you to ask your son to leave the house as this will further push him into darkness or sin.
    May Allah (swt) help you and your family deal with this problem in the best way possible so that your son realizes his mistakes and become a pious Muslim (Amin).
    Wasalam,
    Muhammad1982.
    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  3. Asalaam alaikum,

    The quickest way to diffuse this issue, is to speak to the parent of the girl about possible marriage. What?!!!

    Yes. Though it may sound crazy, it's time to put your son's feet to the fire. See if this girl is worthy of your son's attention and approach her family as if you would do if she were Muslim. Start making plans to visit with the girl's parents without seeking permission of your son. Essentially, if they are having a questionable relationship which is outside the tenets of Islam, then you must take a drastic step like this. Show the parents and this girl that you plan on taking an active role in your son's life in choosing a spouse and with that said, you should be able to see where I am going with this advice.

    This really doesn't have a way of backfiring, because you are doing several good things here:

    1. Re-establishing Islamic values in your life and in the parent/child relationship.

    2. Re-establishing Islamic values for your family by taking an active role in your son's spouse selection. If he's looking to spend time with a girl, then he should be willing to marry her. No excuses.

    3. Showing your son that his responsibility to his family and any girl must be a serious one.

    4. The most important: taking responsibility in front of Allah (swt).

    Right now, your son is not taking anything seriously by Islamic code and neither were you. By rectifying this mistake, you are also acknowledging your weakness to Allah (swt), but also correcting your life, too.

    You see, you were too focused on losing your son, forgetting that on the Day of Judgment, everyone will ransom their family to save them from torment. What you should have been focused on instead, was losing Allah's (swt) pleasure. So in order to please Allah (swt), you must start taking these steps to ensure that your family starts walking this Right Path.

    All of this should reaffirm your commitment to Islam, if you do it with seeking Allah's (swt) way.

  4. Thank to Allah that he brought you to the only way to success and the only way to be protected from the fire of Jahanum ( Hell ) ,,, i.e The Islam.

    Make your son understand that, the one who always obey and serve thier parents,, remain always happy in this life and hereafter aswell. Parents r blessings of Allah. Ask the importance of parents to them who have lost thier parents.

    The last prophet beloved Muhammad (s.a.w.w) said,
    "The Jannah (paradise) is beneath the foot of Mother" ..
    means,, serving, obeying and making the parents happy leads to the path of paradise. and making them upset and unhappy leads to the path of hell . Now one should estimate how important it is to obey parents.

    Their r two types of sins
    Gunah-e-Kabeera ( The Major sins )
    Gunah-e-Sagheera ( The Minor sins )

    and Disobidience of Parents is the major sin.

    The loss that one faces in this world because of disobedience of thier parents, is that they do not get any benefit from thier children. Thier children treat the same with them as the had treated thier parents.

    But the actual and real punishment is given after death, they r given very severe punishment by Allah. The fire of Jahanum is 70 times hoter than the fire of world. that if the little ignition of that fire is introduced to the sea of this world,, it will become dry. May Allah forgive all our sins. and protect us from the punishment of hell. Aameen.

    There r many places in Quran, where it is stressed to treat parents with very good behaviour .
    my dear sister,,
    Make Duas to Allah ,,May he give your son Hidaya and make him to follow Islam..

  5. You shouldn't treat your son like he's lost his mind. He should be able to choose his religion himself. If he doesn't believe in islam any longer, he shouldn't force himself into something he doesn't believe him. Just because he's turned away from Islam doesn't mean he's "lost his senses." In his perspective it may be the opposite. It's his choice in the end, and he's still your son so you should carry on loving him as best you can without oppressing him

    • I agree that parents should continue loving their children no matter what. But it's also the parent's duty to try to guide the child back to Islam in a good way, with gentle pressure and honest reminders.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.kcom Editor

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