My wife demands khula and has a bad past
AssalamuA'laikum everyone,
I am writing you regarding a very complicated situation I am in. Please kindly advice me in the light of Quran and Sunnah and advice me to do what would please Allah (SWT). Sorry for a long writing to describe the situation.
I met my wife in Germany while studying in the university. She left India because of a bad incident in her life. She fell in love online with a guy and sent many naked photos and videos of her to that guy. When that guy started blackmailing her, she broke up with him and then that guy spreaded those videos and photos all over the internet. When those content was revealed to our university community, everyone abandoned her but I tried to find out the reason of her foolishness. She told me that she grew up without being loved by anyone as her parents were too busy with their doctor life and did not even allow her to go out and make friends. Eventually when that guy showed her little love she did whatever he wished and gave her everything. Now she repents and knows how bad she has done and she asks forgiveness to Allah.
After hearing all those I felt too much sympathy for her. She seemed so nice girl to us and so I gave her support, brought back her to our community and started sending requests to websites to remove those naked contents of her. I tried to know her more and then I fell in love with her and so did she. I started my PhD at that time and our parents told us that they will arrange our marriage after I finish my PhD. But to save ourselves from sin, we secretly got married in a mosque. I managed to erase hundreds links from online of her naked contents in next 1.5 years.
Everything went well with us and we were really really happy. I supported her in every situation and tried to fulfil all her dreams. Then she moved to the US with her parents. I finished my PhD, she got into job and the time came when our family arranged our marriage ceremony and everything was ready. She got settled in the US and wanted me to go there and I left Germany just to make her happy and came back to India. Then Just 2 weeks before the ceremony we had an arguement and suddenly she refused to come for the ceremony! I thought as we are married she will come back after her anger goes down. But she did not, and asked me for Khula. When I said there is no reason of Khula here. I tried my level best to save my marriage, tried every possible way, said sorry to her if I did any mistake thousand times. But she did not change her decision and now has closed every ways to contact her and her parents. She after 2 months sent me an email saying that she has taken Faskh e Nikah from an Imam there and would never reply to any of my message anymore. I was not contacted by anyone regarding this faskh and was not even told about this! So I do not think it was valid annulment. She said she was not happy with me and I mistreated her too much! While all her sayings and texts throughout last 4 years of our marriage tells completely the opposite. She used to say she is the happiest as she have me and lots of things like this. Her parents never contacted me and still I and my mother are trying to contact them.
Now my questions are:
1. I could not erase two of her videos from internet. I know it is still being seen by people. What does islam says about marrying a girl whose private parts are being seen by others? Was that my mistake to marry even after knowing about her past? I have no problem if it is not a problem according to islam.
2. I love my wife a lot. And as I know Allah hates divorce, I tried and still trying my best to save my marriage but she is adamant not to come back. I don't think her faskh e nikah was valid without even letting me know or asking me anything. Till which level should I try and then give up and divorce her as she does not want to come back to me at all where I don't know why?
3. I think I have been cheated and oppressed badly. Will I get any reward from Allah (SWT) for this oppression?
4. To show she is right, she is lying a lot and trying to prove me bad to people. MashaAllah people know me as a person with very good manner and with good virtues, by Allah's will. But people from her side who did not meet me before are hating me because of her lie. I want to forgive her for the sake of Allah, though she has ruined my and my family's happiness and my career completely. But if her lie goes so far that I cannot tolerate anymore am I allowed do take any kind of revenge?
Please kindly answer me according to Quran and Sunnah. The first 2 Q's answers are very important for me to know.
Jazakallahu Khairan
Hossain
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Tagged as: abandoned, am I allowed revenge?, bad past, halal or haraam?, halal or haram, heartbroken, hurt, internet videos, khula, lies, problems in marriage, problems in the marriage, relationship problems, reputation, revenge, spreading lies, trying to save marriage, wife demanding khula, wife has bad past, wife spreading lies, wife wants khula
Why you remains married to such a woman who had bad past and also currently in bad state .Divorce her and finish it off .
I did not want divorce as Allah hates it and thats why I tried my level best to save it.
And that was actually my main question. Does islam forbids us to marry such woman? As there are still 2 videos live online which could not be removed. I told in my first Q that 'I have no problem if it is not a problem according to islam'. If islam forbids, I would not try heart and soul to save this marriage.
Your entire post seems like your not telling the whole story (which is always common) so I don't think anyone could give you true advice. You seem to be very hung up over the fact that she made a mistake in her life and if you come across that way on here, I can only imagine that you probably use it against her every chance you get. I would detest you if I were her too.
Just because you decided to marry her doesn't make you some kind of hero. And it doesn't appear that you adhere to the proper ways Islam as well. I'm really tired of the arrogant remarks of Muslim brothers as though women better be 100% perfect Muslims while men do whatever they want and it shouldn't make a difference.
Hopefully whoever she has met now will actually be willing to overlook her mistakes and not bring up the past as ALL Muslims are supposed to do. If she repented to Allah swt this shouldn't even be brought up. If you were a "perfect" Muslim man you never would have ended up in this situation.
Leave the girl alone, and let her live a happy life inshallah. If your properly married to her, give her talaq and go find someone who is "PERFECT" like you.
" I'm really tired of the arrogant remarks of Muslim brothers as though women better be 100% perfect Muslims while men do whatever they want and it shouldn't make a difference." - True.
However, I'm sick of women like you who try their very best to turn the situation into the man's fault. I wasn't going to post towards you because I didn't read the full post by OP but then I fully read it. I don't know why your making such ridiculous conclusions and statements.
"Just because you decided to marry her doesn't make you some kind of hero." - He never claimed or made out that he was a hero so again I'm not sure why your making ridiculous statements.
From what I gathered, this brother DID overlook her mistakes, married her and did his very best to treat her well. Obviously there are two sides to every story and, since we don't have the girl's side, only God and the people involved truly know what happened but then women like you come along and not only try to find anyway possible of blaming any situation on the man, but also, women like you are the ones who say "your husband doesn't treat you good enough" even though the husband may be the best man in the world to her.
Think about what you say before you start ranting off. This brother came to us for help and he doesn't need people like you making him feel worse or inadequate. If this was a sister in the same situation then I'm sure you'd be far more sympathetic and use kinder words.
If he overlooked her mistake then why would this be the big staple in his seeking guidance? What does her past mistake have to do with the rest of his post?If he overlooked her mistake then why would this be the big staple in his seeking guidance? What does her past mistake have to do with the rest of his post? I'm being honest, as this brother is obviously not being 100% about his role in her not wanting to be with him. The way he described the situation was solely based on the fact that he feels entitled because he married her even though she made mistakes.
Good, aminah. and i think, still he is focusing on those remaining 2 videos, but not on her willingness to be with him.
Do you understand english? Please read before commenting. Her willingness to be with me? Where did you get it from? Its me who is trying to be with her and she is trying to separate for no reason. Actually I should not have asked for advice online as there are people like you online ready for ridiculous comments.
@Aminah
Wow, Aminah, which horrible dude did you meet in your life? Did he hold your past over you for every argument and make you do whatever he wanted?
There are good guys out there. Like this guy. See, he wanted to be this girl's knight in shining armor. She needed love and had a bad past so he figured he'd help her out. There are people out there that see a person that's not doing well and try to help out. If he wasn't like that, he would put no effort into removing her pictures of the internet. He would proliferate them as this would give him more control.
There are other guys and girls out there that look at a bad situation and feel like they need to help. Unfortunately the root cause of why that person is the way they are is still there so the new relationship has a high chance to break apart.
When being asked about marriage from brothers I've heard the nonsense stories from brothers that claim "I don't know why my wife left me".. I've hear that lie more times than I can count.. I can read between the lines. If he was sincerely in love with this girl and didn't have coward intentions about her past he wouldn't have made it the main focus of his post. I am not saying he is all to blame, but if you read the entire post he is admitting that he had a haram relationship with this girl, so who is he to make her out to be the bad Muslim?
I focused it as I wanted to know does islam forbid us to marry such woman? As there are still 2 videos live online which could not be removed. I told in my first Q that 'I have no problem if it is not a problem according to islam'. If islam forbids, I would not try heart and soul to save this marriage.
So I wanted to know what islam says about marrying such woman and thats why I told that story. Otherwise I would not have even brought it up.
I see how you're thinking about this problem. Your assumption here is that either the guy or the girl is at fault. Since the guy is presenting, surely he is hiding his mistakes and he must have done something too. I used to think that way too, I figured that if people really loved each other and put in the effort the relationship would last. And here's what I found out: A relationship can end without a reason, even if people put in effort, and it can end without it being anyone's fault.
The reason for that is that all relationships have highs and lows that are outside of our control. But also, the relationship takes more effort the longer it goes on and new relationships start to look better. The least amount of work is during the honeymoon period, which can last up to two years. This is when you don't know the other person and they are just so gosh darn interesting. Once you get to know them they get boring. What you get out of a relationship declines at years 2, 4, 7, and 10. People that remain together past 15 years tend to stick together.
This brother is at year 4, which happens to be the next drop and he's already past the honeymoon period, and he's running a long distance relationship so he's not even there. She could've found someone new, that guy may be exciting while this brother used to be but isn't as exciting anymore. Her pattern of saying I love you and then shortly after saying how much she's suffered is in line with this outcome. And then if that new relationship doesn't work out, she may even come back to this brother and want a second chance.
An example of this, a woman on this forum posted that her second husband is worse than her first and that she wished she could go back to her first but he is now remarried. She left him because she started feeling like it was a brother/sister relationship so she divorced him. Her first husband didn't do anything wrong, she was just missing the high of a new relationship. She got that high with her second husband, and then after the honeymoon period wore off, her new husband was worse than her first and she had deep regrets.
This happens to both guys and girls. Relationships take work, Allah can provide for you a job that takes you away from your family or other such circumstances. This life is a test.
"She said she was not happy with me and I mistreated her too much! While all her sayings and texts throughout last 4 years of our marriage tells completely the opposite. She used to say she is the happiest as she have me and lots of things like this. Her parents never contacted me and still I and my mother are trying to contact them"
If her parents didn't bother to contact him, did you ever think there was a reason??
Which story you want to hear sister Aminah? I do not know. I tried my best to describe and thats why it is already a big post.
I think you have problem in understanding. I never said I was a hero.. I took her back to the community as everyone respected me and I knew the other people won't let my request down and they accepted her back. I started removing those contents even before she was anything of mine. And for your kind information, I never brought up her past in last 4 years even during the worst arguments we had. Never.
Your saying: "..........not bring up the past as ALL Muslims are supposed to do." Seriously? ALL muslims? So as I did not bring it up, am I not a muslim? Do you know how muslims are?
When did I say I am perfect? I don't get it where are you getting information from. Anyways, I wanted advice from Quran/Sunnah, not advice like this 'leave the girl alone'.
Thank you.
Brother you're wasting your time trying to explain to her. Women like Aminah treat men like a natural enemy that are the cause of all wrong in relationships.
OP: I never brought up her past in last 4 years even during the worst arguments we had. Never.
Close this chapter and move on. I hope you learnt your lesson never to argue with your wife. You lost a relationship over arguing, which most of the time is done to prove "I am right".
Salam br.did you fall on your head.If I had a PhD I think there be to many fish in the sea after you.You know the problem is that the muslims in general are so weak .They don't know there purpose of life Who is prophet Muhammad. Why we have to pray 5 times a day.What are it's benifits. What is the benifits of Quran and so on.....My brother success in both of the world's is only in Deen 100%.There is no short cut.As mentioned in Hadith and Quran (the words of Allah)That the life of this world is short and it has no value.We are here only to be tested to see who are the true believers from the disbelievers.Like it or not.Regardless of a man's wealth Intelligence strength hardships dumbness poverty.If he doesn't follow what our prophet brought the quran and sunnah.Then this humanbeing will never be successful.As Allah has said that I will fill his life with problems one after another.He will have no peace etc...and we will asighn a devil as patron with him!Now I ask you why are you messing with a girl that is really not for you.She doesn't love you.You know someone to show her body online .There's something seriously wrong! Let give you one insight .People in general without guidance from Allah can never be honest pure in thought etc....They are all liars small or big and they all keep secrets regardless who the are or say.When a person fears Allah! He watches what he says and does.His world through his intellect eyes ears are totally different from one who his blind from this world.My advice reminder of Allah and that she will have to be answerable on the day of judgement. For yourself Allah gave you a good heart and a career.This is a big benifit to help and serve Allah.You need to learn Deen and understand from the scholors so you can live a blessed life.Just think using your wealth to help the poor weak and establishment of building house of Allah.You feel so much peace and contentment and blessed were ever you be because of the Barakah you bring with you.Allah will be always there to guide you provided you obey his commandments and adopt the life style of Prophet Muhammads teachings.Remember SHAITAN his are biggest enemy he is there to destroy you mentally physically .He doesn't want you to follow Islam and all other amals.Instead he whispers evil and reminds you of everything that will effect your personality. That is why the companions of our prophet were masters of this world.They remembered Allah at all times.Finally I can say there many beautiful women with Deen out there who will be a obedient loving wife that will be your partner.Understand you fell in love with the first person you came in contact with?really! Let me tell you something ..before I knew Islam I was brought up with mom who was a Catholic and a dad who was Muslim by name.I did everything wrong dated party hard lived an extravagant life and money wasn't a problem until my attention ed turned towards a person that l loved....Well to make long story short the word love in this world is just a word and some feelings attached to it.Love is something that comes in time when you have a built relationship with DEEN because you get the whole package.Inshort marry someone is a scholor and educated and you will be very happy and successful and your offspring will be on the right track....understand. I only met my wife 3 times when we got nikah because I wanted to do it the right way because of my past experiences.Today I made the best choice and I thank Allah.We are so blessed and are love grows.Yes we might run to some issues but we solve through the help of Allah.My girls are 6 n 9 .Both full time madressah .9 yr old knows 31 suras a blk belt in taewondo almost finished the swimming colors .An A student in public school.But this all come from an awesome mom wife and it takes good Islamic bringing up.Look I'm trying to show you that you deserve better.Travel the world and open your eyes.Understand your duty and be the best you can be.Not everything will come your way just except it and that it is from Allah .Allah wants best for you and that's why you read this.
Many Thanks my brother.. You may be right there are many fish, and thats true too for me, many. But I only loved my wife and only her. TBH I did not want divorce as Allah hates it and thats why I tried my level best to save it. Even after posting this post, I was trying and getting extremely bad replies from her, for no reason. She said she has taken faskh e nikah. I finally just demanded to provide me the letter, she also refused that! She tried to spread rumours saying I mistreated her. And as people know what kind of person I am, no one believed her and that made her more aggressive towards me. Eventually I gave up contacting her. Just to clarify as sister Aminah assumed above, I never brought up her past in last 4 years even during the worst arguments we had. Never.
Brother your message has given me much comfort. Thanks. But you know, as I am divorced now, and I do not want to keep it secret (which she wanted badly), so many girls or their parents won't take it easily. Please pray that Allah provides me with a spouse who is in deen.
MashaAllah. I feel so happy to hear such a wonderful family you have. Allahumma Bareek lahu.. May Allah give more and more blessings towards your family. 🙂
I think your relationship has run its course. She may be someone that needs a lot of love and this separation between you being in Germany and her being in the US could've been too much for her. Also, if she does need a lot of love you may not be able to provide it to her. She may not want the drop in love past the honeymoon phase and that's inevitable. If she's asking for a divorce ask if there's anything you can do to reconcile. if there isn't and she's not talking, then let her get a divorce.
Answers:
1) I don't think there is anything, especially since she didn't post them. If anything the crime was done to her. If you could not marry someone whom others have seen then divorced women would be out but since that isn't the case I would say you can.
2)If you have tried then I would give up now. It isn't that her annulment that isn't valid that's the issue, the issue is she wants a divorce. Will you then hold her in marriage against her will?
3 and 4) This is just a test in your life, your patience would be helpful. Of whatever evil she does to you return with good. If she wants divorce, give her her dowry and her divorce. If she ruins your name do not ruin hers but leave her alone. She is not thinking of the afterlife she is acting on what she can get now. Focus on your afterlife.
I hope you do well during this difficult time inshallah.
Dear brother/sister,
Many thanks as you have given a good logic to answer my first Q. Thank you.
For the answer of 2nd Q, I am not being able to accept it that she would take divorce without any valid reason. As my life is involved here.
Q 3 and 4, Yes brother I know you are absolutely right. According to Quran 42:37-43 and many other ayats, we should forgive. But sometimes she goes so far with her bad attitude and lies, I tend to lose patience. 🙁 And still this incident haunt me every seconds and I often think to take revenge, then again forgive her. Don't know how long I would be able to keep patience. Please pray for me.
For Q2 generally people don't just suddenly leave a relationship. It's a gradual process where they decide they have something better and slowly start to go away. I don't know your relationship in detail but I would the issues I see are that you're at your fourth year which could mean you're past your honeymoon period. You're long distance which is not good. And I don't know if she's found someone else. It could just be what you argued over. If what you argued over was important to her, like let's say she has to live with in-laws. Then that my have been enough where she wouldn't want to go through with it.
It could also be that the argument you had has been a relationship long argument and you always win.
I don't know what happened between you two but if you look you'd probably be able to figure it out.
Also, please don't take revenge. You will make a bad situation worse. She thinks she's right and she may have good reason to do what she's doing. Even if she's wrong, whatever wrong she thinks you've done in her mind she's getting even with it. You only see this wrong and for you to get even with it she will then see it as a new attack that she needs to get revenge on.
1. I could not erase two of her videos from internet. I know it is still being seen by people. What does islam says about marrying a girl whose private parts are being seen by others? Was that my mistake to marry even after knowing about her past? I have no problem if it is not a problem according to islam.///
The time to thoroughly satisfy yourself completely with your wife's character was before marriage not now !
Islam commands us to marry the woman who is religious otherwise you will be a loser.
As you are sure that your wife has sincerely repented to Allah swt and as you stated and she's not doing that sin again then you have no right to judge her. Alhamdulillah as Allah swt said after repentence , everyone's sins are washed as they are like a new born baby . Just ignore her past and leave this matter to Allah swt. Your wife has repented and now she's not doing that sin again so the sin is not upon her (in sha Allah) if her private parts are seen by others.
What you did for your wife by removing her pics and giving her a status of respect shows that Allah swt has blessed you with a very kind heart and perhaps he chose you to guard her chastity. This is the good deed you did by hiding and covering the sins of a muslim woman who was being hated and hurt by everyone. subhanallah see brother how much Allah swt is merciful.
2/ I love my wife a lot. And as I know Allah hates divorce, I tried and still trying my best to save my marriage but she is adamant not to come back. I don't think her faskh e nikah was valid without even letting me know or asking me anything. Till which level should I try and then give up and divorce her as she does not want to come back to me at all where I don't know why?////
Its better that you should ask for the reason .. is that she wants to give up this marriage because she's scared that you will reveal her past in the future marriage or would ridicule t her becasue of her past or its just cause of a pressure from family side. You should try your best to know the reason.
. 3I think I have been cheated and oppressed badly. Will I get any reward from Allah (SWT) for this oppression?///
Allah knows best.
4/ 4. To show she is right, she is lying a lot and trying to prove me bad to people. MashaAllah people know me as a person with very good manner and with good virtues, by Allah's will. But people from her side who did not meet me before are hating me because of her lie. I want to forgive her for the sake of Allah, though she has ruined my and my family's happiness and my career completely. But if her lie goes so far that I cannot tolerate anymore am I allowed do take any kind of revenge?///
Revenge?? do you want to waste your good deed ? Dont be like the first guy .
If she is acting wrongly l with you then there;s no need to marry her , leave her .. she doesnt deserve you. Go for a good girl, leave the people .. those who know you rightly will never care what she says about you but those who are your enemies will give a ear to these lies.
Hope i helped . may Allah swt bless you.
JazakAllahu Khairan for answering my questions in this beautiful way, one by one.
For ans no 2: Thats what I really wanted to know from her, the reason. She does not provide any valid reason. And now, as she said she took faskh e nikah, finally I only demanded to get that faskh letter. She even refused to give me that. I wanted to see what reason she said, but I failed to get that letter or any reason. I tried and asked for that letter many times, she refuses.
As Salam O alaikum
Firstly i completely agree to Sister Aminah. There are always two sides of a coin. Similarly one cannot clap with just one Fist you need two for that.
Now brother.. Coming to your story. Before pointing on to her look within yourself too. Because at first place A GIRL WOULDNT LEAVE THE ONE SHE HAS MARRIED who she knows has done a lot for her to erase off her past from her own mind and heart she wont so easily ignore or want to leave the guy.
So here i ask what have you done to her to be like this even though you did good things for her. Definately something which has hurt her you MIGHT have done too.
By the way, does your parents know about her Past ? If they know, have they said something to her without your knowledge which might have upset her horribly to take such a step ?
And lastly if after all this she is not keen in getting back to you, you cannot force her either. You have a way long to go and as sister Aminah said you might end up finding a PERFECT partner as you are..
May ALLAH (SWT) Bless you !
Wa Salam
"So here i ask what have you done to her to be like this even though you did good things for her. Definitely something which has hurt her you MIGHT have done too."
I tried to get this answer for last 3 months. I did not. She says I mistreated her, when and how she cannot and that is why she managed everything so that I cannot contact anyone.
No no one knows about her past as I have never ever told anyone. And I never ever brought her past even during our worst arguments when she told me whatever she liked.
I never knew islamic marriage is that weak where a girl can just leave her husband without any valid reason. Thanks for letting me know that! Again, where did I say I am perfect? And looking for perfect partner? I just wanted to save my marriage and stay with her. Please kindly understand the question first and answer according to islamic reference.
Thanks.
As Salam O Alaikum
Brother, in what terms are you asking Islamic Reference and things like that when at first place your wife is not willing to go ahead with you.
Islamic Reference or so cannot FORCE her to change her mind and be with you when she is not willing to.
Agreed if you havent done anything bad with her. Yet she is pressurising by saying you MISTREATED her. Well now that you and ALLAH knows better what that MISTREATMENT means.
And i have very well understood your question and read that properly too and so replied. What made you go so panicky 😀 . Then probably you dint understand what i wrote 😀
May ALLAH (SWT) Guide you
Wa Salam
You did not have an Islamic marriage - you married in secret which means she did not have her wali/father present or his consent. I understand that you two were committed, but you may wish to ask yourself why you believe this was an Islamic marriage to begin with. Also, we don't always get answers to our problems in life. We can't always determine with certainty why people behave the way they do towards us. You may never receive an explanation that is satisfactory. It is best to just let this relationship go, and move on with your life. Stop seeking answers and explanations and documents....it serves no purpose at this stage -- she doesn't want you as her husband.
Assalaamualaikam
Firstly, I would ask people to please try to avoid generalising and judging the brother who has asked this question. There is no evidence that he has mistreated anybody - rather than assuming the worst, we should try to be supportive of our brothers and sisters in Islam.
With regards your first question, I suppose the key issue would be how she felt about it and feels about it now. An ayah which is often cited when considering such issues is 24:26 (Surah An-Nur). We are told many times in the Qur'an that genuine repentance washes away sin, so I would imagine that if she was truly regretful about what happened then there wouldn't be a problem. But, if she doesn't regret the videos then that could be a problem - it would also raise concerns about her character. The nature of the internet is that it can be virtually impossible to remove something from it once it has been posted so unfortunately those videos may well continue to circulate despite your best efforts - but you have tried, and that in itself is a lot more than many people would have done, so you should be commended for your efforts.
Without details of the exact nature of the faskh e nikah (which it seems you haven't been provided, either) it's going to be difficult for anyone to determine its validity. Another related issue would be whether your initial nikah was valid - did it include the essential elements which are required? As it would be required for you to have been in a valid marriage in order for you to be divorced, it's important to consider this issue. I'd advise that you ask a scholar to review your original nikah and ask a lawyer to get involved to obtain paperwork regarding the faskh e nikah.
Although divorce is permissible, it shouldn't be the first thing people reach for when there is a problem. If you are able to establish some contact, maybe with her family, then inshaAllah you may be able to encourage them to consider marriage counselling or arbitration. But, if you aren't getting anywhere despite your best efforts, you may need to let her go. If this is the case, get opinions from a scholar and a lawyer about whether you should rely on this faskh e nikah as proof of divorce, or whether you should give her talaq (as if you haven't any evidence about her divorce of you, this might be required? - I'm not sure).
From what you've described, it doesn't sound like you've been treated fairly at all. Trust in Allah that you will be rewarded for your patience and struggles, in this life or the next. This life is a test and we will encounter many difficulties in it, but we are told that we will be recompensed, so stay strong in your faith in Islam.
We should not seek revenge against people who wrong us. This is not a course of action which is consistent with Islamic values and would be unlikely to lead to any positive outcomes for anybody involved. The people who are truly important in your life will see the truth of your situation, inshaAllah. Depending on the nature of the lies and rumours, you might want to consult a lawyer and a scholar about whether or not you should initiate legal proceedings to challenge these, but make sure that your intention is consistent with Islamic values. Trust that Allah is All-Knowing. He knows the truth of the matter, and people who are lying will be confronted with their lies in the end.
If, despite your best efforts, your relationship is at an end, then you may need to accept this and move on. Although this is a difficult thing to face, you can and inshaAllah will find happiness in the future, inshaAllah with a wife who respects and loves you.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
WaA'laikum Assalam,
Firstly many thanks for your kind answer with reference. Our nikah was done by one of the shaikhs of the famous mosque in our city, with witnesses and mahr. So I hope it was a valid nikah according to islam. And about the faskh e nikah, what I know is both parties should get chance to talk in front of the judge. As she was lying a lot, she might have lied to the judge and he believed her without even contacting me! I must had been contacted at least.
You might say may be she felt mistreated. Believe me, even weeks ago we were the happiest. She sent texts like 'I am ever grateful to you for making my life the way it is. I would not want it any other way'.. And many many more. Suddenly she started saying opposite. I don't know why.
You know, it is sometimes hard to forgive. I left my career as she wanted me to go to US. I left everything for her and now I am doing nothing, have to start over again. My family was one of the happiest in the world I would say. Now my parents have become sick and unhappy after all these. And she is still lying around. Its really hard to forgive, still I am trying to keep patience. Please pray for me.
Thank you.
Please disregard my earlier comment about whether this was an Islamic marriage. I understood from your post that the nikkah was done in secret, but it now appears that it was done with witnesses. Although, if she did not have permission of her wali then I'm not sure how the imam could have conducted the nikkah, but perhaps that is a detail that I am misinformed about.
Assalamualaikum Dear Brother
I am really sadden by your situation and pray to Allah to ease your worries. I agree with sister Aeliah that there is always two sides to a coin. We have looked at the situation from your perspective but not from your wife's perspective and her story might be different than yours. Maybe your wife felt mistreated despite your best efforts to make her happy and only good communication with her can get this situation cleared up now. Regarding your wife's past I would only say that please do not disclose another person's sins to other people. The sister made a mistake and placed her trust in the wrong person and has repented and sought Allah's forgivenace so it is now a matter between her and Allah and we are no one to comment on her sins and criticize her or even disclose her sins to other people. However I really appreciate all your efforts to remove those videos from the internet and May Allah reward you for that. Lastly I will try to answer your questions to the best of my knowledge and may Allah forgive me if I make a mistake.
1. Brother your statement tells me that "marrying a girl whose private parts are being seen by others" still bothers you even after all this time in your marriage. You should have addressed this issue even before agreeing to marry her. Her sin might have been pardoned by Allah after her sincere taubah but you are still holding her accountable for it and creating doubts in your mind about your marriage. Let these doubts go. I dont think it was a mistake marrying her. In contrast it was a good deed on your part; giving protection and support to a woman in need of it. You have already married her so accept her as she is today and do not dwell on the past and make your life miserable.
2. A wife can seek dissolution of marriage without the husband's consent through the court termination which is called Fasakh. This form particularly at the instances of the wife can only be granted on very limited ground
which is considerably differed among the mazhab. Dr. Raihanah Haji Abdullah, Professor Department of Syariah and Law, Academy of Islamic Studies, University of Malaya states in her article "Reasons to Dissolve a Marriage through Fasakh"; "The grounds can be grouped into four main aspects: due to the disgrace and defect of the husband, the husband’s imprisonment or missing, dharar (harm) onto the wife and the husband’s failure to provide nafkah. The four aspects are said to be included in the the definition by al-Shatibiy and Walter as physical, mental and emotional abuse." Anything from the emotional torture to insults can be included in dharar (harm) onto the wife and can be considered valid grounds for fasakh. Exact reasons will have to verified from your wife and you can do it by involving a credible lawyer or scholar who can look into the legalities involved.
3. We have only looked at the situation from your perspective and you do seem wronged. However Allah knows best and will reward you if He wills.
4.Allah rewards those who forgive so please do not take any revenge and forgive her for the sake of Allah.
Please feel free to correct me if I have made a mistake. I hope both you and your wife find happiness.
WaA'laikum Assalam Sister,
Firstly many thanks for your kind answer. You might say that may be she felt mistreated. Believe me, even weeks ago we were the happiest couple. She sent texts like 'I am ever grateful to you for making my life the way it is. I would not want it any other way'.. And many many more. Suddenly she started saying the opposite. I don't know why. Looks like a magic, I don't see any other logic!
Regarding saying about the past, I was thinking what islam says about it and this is why I disclosed those here. Just to let you know, I never brought up her past in last 4 years even during the worst arguments we had. Never. Even I wrote on my question that I do not have any problem if it is not a problem according to islam.
About the faskh e nikah, what I know is both parties should get chance to talk in front of the judge. As she was lying a lot, she might have lied to the judge and he believed her without even contacting me! I must had been contacted at least. I did not find any islamic reference saying faskh e nikah can be done without contacting or even letting the husband know, where I was only a call/email away.
As I said to my previous answer, it is sometimes hard to forgive. I left my career as she wanted me to go to US, while I did not want to but agreed for her happiness. I left everything for her and now I am doing nothing, have to start all over again. My family was one of the happiest in the world I would say, by Allah's will. I had everything in my life MashaAllah. Now my parents have become sick and unhappy after all these incidents. I cannot look at their faces. And she is still lying around. Its really hard to forgive, still I am trying to keep patience. Please pray for me.
Thank you again.
Brother hossain
U two did ur nikah without the presence of her parents and if u really want to settle things according to quran n sunnah then u need to know the hadith as hazrat Aisha(R.A) narrated "A woman can Not marry without her wali(parents)" so at first place ur nikah is to question. The way u both get the nikah certificate from imam of mosque, is the way ur ex wife got the certificate of khula from imam.
Secondly u didnt marry her cuz the way she was practicing her deen therefore, such situation raised(according to our beloved prophet marry a woman whom is best in her deen)
Base of this relation wasnt islamic so dont expect its ending to be the one.
If u want to follow the sunnah then go for istikhara abt this relation and Allah will settle ur heart inshaAllah.
Wali doesn't have to be her parents, the imam can play as her wali if there is a reason. Like fear of Zina.
Aoa
Brother Hossain, I feel sorry for what happened in both of yours life. It's not good for both of you. And if all that u are telling here is true then u really are a good person and Allah will bless you with goodness here and in akhirat as well. U loved ur wife and protected her in all the possible ways u can, supported her and all that but if it doesn't end well then be sure that it was better for yourself because Allah SWT loves us 70times more then our mothers. So He wouldn't leave u alone and put u in such troubles u can't handle.
And as far as that girl is concerned, who didn't care about u and your love and who left u despite ur supportive attitude, why think of such a person. I don't know how is she being a muslim but u r fortunate that Allah has protected u from her and say Alhamdulilah.
And as u said that now u are divorced and it would make some kinda trouble marrying u again. So let me tell u one thing I am a girl and I would never raise the issue if someone's married before, but only if he's a good Muslim and a good person. So u need not to worry about this because if u are a good person then no one will be bothered. And have faith brother that u will find a good girl for u to marry with. Just leave everything to Allah and have faith.
And keep struggling u will find something good to do with ur career because everything is written, just make dua for your self. Because "if Allah is pushing u to the edge of difficulty just be sure and have faith that He would never let u fall, either He will catch u or teach u how to fly".
So be patient and wait for the right time and person, U will be happy more then ever. Just have faith. Just forget whatever had happened. I know it's very difficult but it's not impossible. Indulge yourself in good deeds and prayers and serve yout parents too in the best way u can.
I also pray for that girl, ur ex wife that may Allah forgive her and guide her to the right path. And I suggest u should forgive her too, because forgiving someone comforts us as well. Forgive her and u will be more peaceful I am sure.
May Allah bless u with happiness, peace and well being. Ameen