Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife has committed Zina during Iddah but wants me back

Broken trust

As-salamu alaykum,

I got hedayah from Allah and started following Islamic rules and regulations after my marriage. After changing myself I told my wife to wear hijab and leave free mixing with her male friends and follow Islamic path with me. She started often wearing hijab but refused to stop chatting and free mixing with male friends and our relation got worse day by day. At one point she left for her parents house.

At first we lived separately for few months and her family did not have any contact with me or my family. We  had 2/3 meetings but could not resolve our issue and later mutually divorced (First Talak) by signing on paper in presence of her few friends and my cousin and colleague. Both of our family did not have very good relation and had no role in our divorce.

After divorce we had no contact but suddenly now she wants to come back to me but confessed that she has committed zina with her close married male friend because of depression during her iddat period.

This male friend also had issues with his wife, was living separately with his wife well before our separation.

This friend was also involved as one of the witness from my wife's side in our divorce and just after a week of our divorce called me over the phone and told me to ready all of my wife's stuff within just 01 day and he will come tomorrow to take it. I was not feeling comfortable handing over my wife's luggage to her friend so my cousin called my wife and she verified that my wife had sent him to take her belongings from my home after our divorce. This guy acted really weird and told me not to worry that he will convince my wife to reconsider our divorce and relationship. But instead he was involved in zinna with my wife and was planning to divorce his wife.

Later he patched up with his wife and has deceived my wife. Now my wife also wants to come back to me and is asking for my forgiveness. She has repented for her sin to Allah and promised to lead Islamic life from now on.

I have already realized the role this guy played in our divorce and what was my wife's intention with this guy. But even if I forgive her, I don't think I can ever forget this betrayal as I don't deserve any of this. She has betrayed me in iddat period with her male friend rather than waiting for reconciliation or Final Divorce. I cannot trust her from my heart, and am not ready to forget everything and start fresh again as I think she would have never wanted to come back to me if her friend did not patch up with his wife.

I have also performed Istikhara for 7 days but felt or found nothing positive. I have told her my decision but she is still begging for another chance to prove herself. But I fear that even if I give her a chance, this topic or issue may arise in my mind later and I may not feel attraction towards her both physically and mentally. In that case  we will both suffer.

I am really confused that as we are already in our divorce period, should I forgive her or see out the divorce process.

RHK

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22 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaikum dear brother

    In all honesty brother I would say that as your wife has repented and asking for your forgiveness too then please by Allah as your witness, please forgive her and give her another chance. Allah loves forgiveness and having Mercy on another. So please have Mercy as you are the better person here and realise that she has repented and regrets her despicable action.

    The worst thing for her is her sin that she will have to live with but it would be so much worse for her if you now reject her. She will feel your love and value you more than ever. But remember brother forgive her in a way that you never bring it up again and slowly insha Allah you will put that episode behind you.

    Human beings are susceptible to all kinds of wrong doings but the one that is guided has the chance to correct those that have lost their way because it could happen to anyone.

    The fact that you are considering her shows that somewhere in your heart there is still so much love for her Masha Allah and the fact that she has turned to you shows that she has so much faith in your love for her, perhaps she will return that love for you in an even more beautuful way insha Allah.

    I would advise you to give her a chance and may Allah unite you both in so much love, support and compassion that you never go astray and stay together on the path that pleases Allah and stay united until the hereafter. Ameen

    • I hope same advice is given to women as well when men cheat on them. I would advice him to divorce her. Her plan A failed yhats why she came back otherwise she would have continued with her friend

  2. Do not take her again her infidelity will never stop because she had used to do it so stay away from such kind of people no matter how they repent the more they meet the more they repeat the sin therefore don't trust her.

  3. I will advice to separate your ways. Onece trust is gone then nothing is left in there. Ffrom now on follow Islam firmly and find a wife who also shares Islamic lifestyle

  4. Khadijah ,

    By just saying humans are bound to make errors you can't escape . So tomorrow if some one argues in the court that my sin is nothing in front of mercy of Allah and Allah forgives us then who are you not to forgive? Do you think that the Judge is going to release that convicted person and not punish him for the crime ?

    So its not that easy to say she has repented and he should take back .

    She is coming back as other person after enjoying sex with her betrayed her .Again if that person changes his mind and come back to her , is it not possible she again will restart doing Zina despite married to husband ?

    So here its quite clear .Nothing good can come out of it . Best solution is to divorce her completely and move on in life .

    • Dear brothers who have replied to my advice above,

      May Allah forgive all of our sins however large or small, all Muslims who have come and gone and who are yet to come.

      Sure, when your spouse commits a terrible sin such as the above one can decide to walk away and not forgive. That's a choice for either gender. I think you missed my point there so I'm not sure if I should waste time to explain. To put it very briefly no we should not commit sin EXPECTING to be forgiven. Ofcourse not. Just because we ask for forgiveness it does not mean that Allah will definitely forgive us unless we are truly sincere, repent and refrain, only the Almighty Allah knows whom HE will forgive.

      I believe that any person of any gender may commit a sin however big or small and be truly truly repentant, sorry, disturbed by it and absolutely refrain from it, such that they could even become so humbled by it that their imaan becomes stronger than ever before. Perhaps this will make them appreciate their loved ones for accepting them with their repentance. They could end up being the most humble, loving, appreciative spouse thereafter.

      Or as you say it could just be a facade to crawl back in but she could've still married someone else and not come back to him with her head down in shame but perhaps she loves him truly and realises his value that she did not understand before.

      I leave it with the brother in question to make the decision based on his wisdom and understanding of his wife. Do your istikhara, use your initiative and take your time brother to make your decision. Clearly he can see signs that she is being truly sincere, hence he is asking the question on here. Once they are divorced it's over and I suppose there will be no knowing.

      May Allah forgive me if my advice is wrong, I am not a scholar and accept all errors on my part for shortcomings therein.

  5. Asalamualaykum Brother RHK,

    You write:

    "Now my wife also wants to come back to me and is asking for my forgiveness. She has repented for her sin to Allah and promised to lead Islamic life from now on."

    and

    "I cannot trust her from my heart, and am not ready to forget everything and start fresh again as I think she would have never wanted to come back to me if her friend did not patch up with his wife."

    Repentance involves 3 things. It involves feeling remorseful about the sin, asking for forgiveness from Allah, and then abstaining from the sin over a period of time. Unfortunately, I don't feel enough time has passed since her "betrayal," for you to know for a fact that she has indeed abstained. That would only prove itself over a period of time. So letting her back into your life at this point involves a bit of a risk.

    Your presumption that she is coming back to you because her friend went back to his wife is just that...a presumption. You can't know 100% what is in her heart, and we are advised not to pry into people's minds and hearts like that, because it can lead to incorrect guesses.

    On the other hand, she has asked for forgiveness and promised to lead an Islamic life from now on. Perhaps if you give her an inconclusive answer for the time being, and tell her that you "need time," she will have time to prove herself, and prove that her intentions can be backed up by action. Your confusion may also subside, and you may lean one way more than the other to where the decision becomes clear to you. We should not make any decisions in haste. You could let her back in now, but as I said, it would be a risk. Allah forgives our sins over and over again, but us humans are more vulnerable to hurt and pain and trust issues, and it takes us some practice to forgive in this manner. Times like this really highlight the great Mercy of Allah.

    Ultimately, I would say that you should follow your heart in this one. That way, whatever the outcome, you will not beat yourself up about it. Because you'll know you did the best you could with the information you have and what your heart is telling you.

    Inshallah all will work out and this unfortunate event in your life will resolve in the best way, Ameen.

    Best,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

  6. May Allah be pleased with you seeking good advice. And may Allah be pleased with those offering good advice. First, for anyone who may have responded, the woman was divorced at the time she got involved with another man. All parties for the most part were in difficult situations. No one "cheated" on anyone.

    It contradicts the sunnah, but almost everyone has known or knows someone who is sexually active with someone they are not married to. Mental health professionals also acknowledge that men and women seek love and affection when they are going through emotional turmoil. And there is a strong double standard for men and women who are involved in sexual activity, regardless of their status. Men seem to look down on a woman who had or has a "boyfriend", but Muslim men who have several "women" are not considered untouchable. Some men even admire those men. We should all be very careful making judgments about the individuals involved. And forgiveness is especially something to be strongly considered. Even when it is not our job to forgive someone, since that is between the Believer and Allah.

    My dear brother, I sincerely wish you an increase in your duty to Allah. However, when you married your wife, if she did not observe hijab or had a social circle that included men and women, you should understand that she may not have developed Islamically the way you did. You did not state what your conduct or day to day habits were before you decided to more closely follow the Sunnah. You should not expect your spouse to suddenly want to increase their observance of the sunnah simply because you do. Each person's development as a Muslim is very personal. No one is going to "be Muslim" at the same level as their best friend, sibling or spouse.

    Although a wife has a duty to obey her husband, a man insisting that his wife do certain things that she did not do before may not be as easy to do. And sometimes the wife will do it only because she is told to do it -- often with resentment and lack of sincerity. In my experience of peer counseling, so many times I have had to remind husbands that although their wife may be obligated to be available sexually, the wife is not compelled to be enthusiastic or to enjoy what it expected of her. This applies with many expectations and demands husbands and wives may have on their spouses. Of course, some matters, like mahr and providing for a wife should never be done with resentment.

    Professional counseling might help you and your "wife" if you chose to reunite. No one is perfect. Therefore, none of us should expect someone else to be perfect. Maybe you should actually talk to your wife about how you do care for her, possibly still love her and most importantly what you need as a wife. And she can do the same. And make a promise or agreement to follow the Sunnah in that regard for starters.

    I would advise your wife to sever any and all ties with the man she was once involved with, to End It. Completely. Despite the belief that people remain friends after being sexually involved, most often that is not a good idea especially if you are married. You two and especially your wife are probably young and do not realize the importance and value of separation of the sexes. Far too often we do not really realize the considerable wisdom Allah has given us when He ordered the Ummah how we should conduct ourselves. Sexual attraction is normal and very common place. Imposing limits keeps most of us away from the possibilities. It is not that any of us are "bad". Most of us are just weak and in reality desirous of being loved.

    If you decide to reunite with your divorced wife, you have an obligation of not using her infractions against her. Also keep in mind that indirectly you may have some responsibility for her turning to another man. And remember you were divorced. It will take time for both of you to get over this entire period of divorce and reuniting. Both of you should stay on your best behavior. Take the High Road. When you decide to take the High Road, you rarely if ever have to apologize or have regrets for what you say and do. Of course, make extra prayers, including Istikhara. Ask Allah to bless your reunion if that is your choice. Divine remembrance is the highest reward.

    • Dear Mr.Khan,

      I understand the situation is not at all conducive and you have gone thru the worst feeling a partner can experience. It seems like some one has plundered your safe vault and more worse is that the trust has been broken.
      It is not at all easy to even fathom let let alone forgive or forget. We are lesser mortals and not Saints, but then what prevents you from imbibing saintly qualities of unconditional love and forgiveness.
      I know it is easier said then done.
      We have umpteen examples from Islamic history of the kind of barbaric acts peole have done and yet after sincere tepentence Allah had raised their levels to one we could not even imagine.
      Who can even think of being anywhere close to the status of Hazrat Umar (Raziaaluanhu) about hope the Holy Prophet had once said (marhoom) " If there was to be any prophet afterme it would be Umar", and the kind of powet he exuded that even Shaitan used the change his course of we got to know Hazrat Umar was on the way. But then who can forget the infamous incident of his before entering imaan of burying his own live daughter or conspiring to kill our Holy Prophet (nauzubillah) but when Allah showed him the right path he became such that examples are set out of him and people feel proud to name their child as his name. So you can well understand the power of repentance wherein the biggest enemy of Islam became it's strongest pillar.
      Plz remember Allah knows the best what is in our hearts. We are not to judge or be judgemental. I wholeheartedly appreciate the suggestions of Lhadija, Nur Roses and Wael and concur with Nuts approach to buy some time and analyze. But then we as humans are not perfect probably even we might not be perfect with our analysis.
      Yet it is said that Allah Forgives and likes the one who forgives. I would suggest you to have faith I. This out your trust in Allah and give acceptance to your partner. Probably Allah would have give her Hidayah and if you choose to repel her you might end up being the reason of depriving her from that. As it is said by these sisters, your act of magnanimity would raise your respect and the love your wife has for you at the same time you would also be helping her practice Deen as she now intends to.
      Humans are prone to error and at ti.es we might end up doing the biggest of mistakes, but remember that Allah's Grace and Rehman is much much vast that the biggest of sins and Allah has said even if you come with the sins as big as the biggest of mountains or as much as the froth of the oceans His Divine Magnanimity is more than enough to tide over it. So why wouldn't you want to imbibe those divine qualities within yourself as well. Remember your love and trust in your partner and unwavering faith in Allah willsurely help you tide over these mistakes, help both of you become better Muslims and help in staying a belated life.
      Again I am saying it's easier to preach than practice, but appreciate her honesty atleast and value her repentance without being judgemental atleast for once. Hope and pray that May The Almighty not make you face any such situation in future that you two would have to regret this decision.
      All The Very Best!!!

      • "We are lesser mortals and not Saints, but then what prevents you from imbibing saintly qualities of unconditional love and forgiveness."

        I love this. I truly believe this should be our goal in life...to adopt and approximate to the divine values, to the 99 names/qualities of Allah as much as we can as mere humans.

        Nor
        IslamicAnswers

  7. Brother you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself are you a mug or a man. And I say this because where has your self worth gone? A man with confidence and self worth would not even come close to a woman like that. Her value is 0.

    There is a common trend with women who deceive and that is they give you the crumbs of a bigger picture. They will never confess the whole truth. When she told you about that 1 /100x she did zina, that wasn't for you, that was just for herself to make herself feel less guilty. Probably only confessed so you could be angry and tell his wife and that way he becomes available. She had a whole relationship while being married to you and was almost about to leave you but then she ends getting dump and she even makes the man go get her stuff. She has no respect for you. And how is she telling a non mehram to get her stuff like is Islam a joke in this household.

    You need to understand you're not God to forgive people and at the same time don't resent her for her actions as she is not perfect. You just have to deal with the consequences of her actions which is divorce and leave her troubles for the woman to deal with. And find yourself a Muslim wife.

    Personally I would rather be single than be married to a liar and a cheat who doesn't respect me.

    • Brother Ahmed,

      Only Allah knows people's value, and nobody's value is 0. We have all been forgiven before by someone, somewhere, so let's not judge people's very character harshly based on a single ill-conceived action.

      Best,

      Nor
      IslamicAnswers

      • Any woman who commits adultery, doesn't even practice her religion and on top tries to flee her husband for another married man is a 0 in value. And no man should ever marry such woman.

        Honestly you didn't need to reply with your flawd concept. People with severe actions deserve harsh criticism so they learn. And again not all action has the same consequence. Yeah I have been forgiven by someone but that was over something small. So if my wife cheats on me you're saying I should forgive her because I have been forgiven before??

        • Asalamualaykum Brother Ahmed,

          I hope you are well today, Inshallah.

          I consider myself very objective and I still feel like this woman deserves a chance if she is sincere, after some time has passed.

          I respect you for your standards of a "good" woman. But please leave other brothers out of it, as they can make their own respective decisions.

          For you to say this woman's very value is 0 because of a mistake she made, is like saying that Allah made a mistake in creating her. Everyone has a purpose, Alhamdulillah. Everyone has value. I feel like you are mistaking her action for her value as a human being.

          And Allah knows best,

          Nor
          IslamicAnswers

          • Stop twisting what I'm saying. Value can change based on your action and with the actions of this woman makes her a 0 or even negative. She was never on her deen, she only wore the hijab to keep her husband off her back while she could cover up the cheating, and on top she has no shame by making her secret lover get her stuff. This is not a woman from the book. And when her secret relationship breaks down she runs back to the brother because she knows he is vulnerable.

            Noor advice the brother by the information we have not what you think. The woman is not religious and is living a dangerous life. Don't advice him to give her a chance, she is bad for him. And no role model to their kids if they decide to have some.

          • Brother Ahmed, I'm with you in the sense that I would not take the woman back. Mainly because I think I would not be able to let go of what she did. It would be too difficult emotionally, and I would not be able to trust her in the future.

            However, you are making the woman out to be some evil mastermind, and I doubt that is the case. I think it is more likely that she was depressed and heartbroken over her divorce, and a predatory brother took advantage of her vulnerability. She did not have to confess the sin to her husband. She did so because of her shame and her desire to proceed on the basis of truth from now on.

            Again, not saying I would personally take her back. But women are people, brother, just like you and me. They are not foreign creatures with sinister hearts and opaque intentions.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Yes abusive husbands deserves divorce and Zani women for whom Shariah has death penalty deserves forgiveness. Your double standards are speaking.

          • There is no war between men and women, brother. Take it easy.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. SubhanAllah. Just the other day, I was reading a facebook post by respected Daee and Islamic intellectual Daniel Haqiqatjou about impious, cheating women. And now I read this. I think OP has already answered his own question. You have prayed istikhara and you didnt feel anything. You dont have any children with this woman and thank Allah a million times for this. I agree with brother Ahmed above. If she repented, then great for her. May Allah forgive her. But do not let yourself be abused further by sharing the burden of what this woman has brought upon herself. Get out of this while you can and never turn back. Cut off all communication with this woman. Change your phone number and email address if you have to. You might feel pangs of longing for her in the beginning but in the long term, you will be much better off. Also, like some commenters above said, marry a new wife and make sure you go for someone pious this time, just like Rasullah (saw) commanded the believers.

    Regards
    Your brother who wishes the best for you

  9. AoA.

    You changed (AlhamduLillah). She didn't. She reacted. Two people rarely move at the same speed. Maybe you see in her a lag from your past as presumably when you met and married you were fine with each others lifestyles.

    Perhaps now she has changed.

    If Allah can give us all chance after chance after chance throughout our lives, maybe for the sake of Allah give her a single chance. Allah loves Mercy.

    Forget all the macho ego stuff. Subdue your ego, and ask Allah for success.

    Maybe it won't work out, but at least you will be able to say you gave her a chance, but also be sincere. Fight the temptation to bring up this story.

    As for this other man, I hope this is a lesson for women and girls. Very few men are as honourable in these free mixing situations as they seem. A man's intent can turn on the simplest of things. Shaytaan is always there, prompting, tempting. Do not fight Allah's decree. Trust is His commands and be truly free.

    • Brother Saeed R

      Masha Allah brother this is what I was trying to say but couldn't pit it in better words than you. May Allah reward you for your efforts. Ameen

      • In above case there is no point in giving one more chance as how it looks .
        As you say Allah love mercy that means you keep allowing your wife to have sex with other man ?
        If so then you will come in a category of Cuckold . As per Hadith Allah will not have mercy on Cuckold husband on day of judgement .

        So there should be proper balance about forgiving some one who is sincere and forgiving some one not sincere . .But forgiveness will result in disturbance/hate then better not to forgive and divorce.

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