Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife has no love for me… What should I do?


Assalmu alakum brother & sister

I am having some serious issue in my personal life and can't decide what to do .

I have been married since 2011 now and have a lovely son mashallah . My problem is my wife doesn't care or listen me . She is always been grumpy and loud . She shout at me / son and even her mother too and then apologizes afterword .

Alhumdolillah I have decent job and providing her everything . We have separate flat and where me /my wife and son lives . She have no restrictions on her as going out. She always complained that I have caged her in house and made her life hell( she left her teaching job since we had a son 2 years ago). Even though she goes every day to see her family / relative or friends or neighbour. I have provided her with car. I used to work 6 days a week and she use to complain that I do not give her enough time now I am working 5 days a week and want to spend weekend with family. Every Saturday and some times on Sunday I take them out but she is still not happy. Now she decided that over the weekend when I am at home she will go and see her friends and it makes me really upset .

Her family lives here in UK and my family are in Saudi Arabia. I have only one brother in UK . If I go and see him some times she get offended that I am giving her time to my family. If I go and see any friends she complains that weekends are for her why I am seeing other people. I have very limited friends and she got big family and friends here . Hardly her brothers comes our house only she is the only one goes every one house.

When I come back from work every single day she complains my son has made her tired (even though she spent all day out around her relatives ) she is too tired. She only cooks 3 times a week and she told me iron my own clothes as she cannot take it .She asks me to rub her as she is too tired. I get very upset on that after working all day she wants me to rub her.

I took her twice for Umra, Turkey and France in past 3 years but she is still not happy and tells me I am poor man and can't even take her for holidays. So many times she said to me she wants divorce from me and wanted me to leave the house.

I have decided so many times to divorce her but Wallahi couldn't do it because of my son . I have not told my family all this. When I finish work some times I don't even want to come home specially on weekend because she is never happy with me on weekends.

Should I divorce her and make mine and her life easy because she always says if I divorce her life will be much more easier as she don't have to cook/ wash and tell me where she is going?


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8 Responses »

  1. What a selfish wife you have.

    I feel so sorry for you and clearly she has used you like a doormat. What a ungrateful person. This woman deserve no man at all.

    She should see a professional psychologist for behavioral issues.

  2. I think you need to explain this situation to her parents .I know there will be big drama from your wife and her family as How you dare to tell these things but at least you will put your point . Tell it to her parents and also to your wife why you are not happy .

    Give some more time after that and if you still feel suffocated and trapped in this marriage better to take some hard decision . .Just don't drag your life because of Son .

    Most of People till the time don't get experience of bad people in life don't realize the importance of having good spouse .

  3. salam,
    I'm really sorry to hear truly upsets me when people don't appreciate how good they have it and when they don't count their blessings, the grass is not always greener on the other side. (however the sister may have her own issues too) It would be best to sit and speak to her and both put your feelings on the table and see if the relationship is worth fighting for.

    The issue about money and calling ones 'husband' a poor man is disrespectful and men can put up with many bad habits but respect, care and love are core in a marriage. Its horrible that she doesnt spend time and plans weekends away when you are home, I feel your son is missing out on a good routine and spending time with his father.

    Take your time think it over, speak with your wife and try and remind her of the good days etc. Explain the beauty of an islamic marriage etc to pray istikhara

    It is a sad situation that married people can relate to but it needs to be handled before it gets any worse. Approach her, give her solutions and consequences and then speak with her parents.

    may Allah make it easy for you.

  4. Assalam alaikum,

    We can't change people and we can't make them love us either, especially if they are oblivious.

    Change yourself. In a way, you have to show her that life moves on with or without her because somewhere she got this perception that your world revolves around her. Stop reacting to her every whim or giving her every unneeded luxury. While you fulfill your duties to her as a husband, don't go overboard. She will notice and when she does, sit down and tell her that something had to give because of her attitude and that you can't live without love and respect in the relationship. Get her attention and then speak to her privately in the most direct way possible.

    If she complains about you visiting your brother--simply tell her, "Yes, I visited him and I always will inn shaa Allah." and don't lengthen the conversation unnecessarily. She is getting some sort of emotional rush from engaging in these silly arguments with you and you have to stop feeding into those by telling her both through actions and few solid (polite) words how it will be. Drive this message in with consistency.

    The other thing, which you may not like, but it might save your marriage. Stop asking her to do things for you altogether. She will wonder what is going on (hopefully) and the message you need to convey to her is that marriage is teamwork and she needs to do her part as you are doing yours. And one shouldn't be creating drama and hurting the other. It could be that she is hurting and that some of what she is saying is genuine, but right now you have to sift through this all and figure out where her feelings stand. If she doesn't want to save this marriage, life will only become more miserable, but if she realizes what she may lose, she might start fighting for it. Your job is to find out if this is worth saving.

    May Allah swt ease your difficulties, grant you peace and help you through this difficult time, Ameen, thummah Ameen!

  5. this is a one sided story and we should also think about maybe what the wife is thinking. ofcourse she cares for you if she says "you dont spend enough time with me" that is an indication that he cares for you and like any other wife, wants your attention.

    i would say like you shared how you feel here share with her also in a letter or email with love. and tell her strictly once that you will divorce her if she says it again and again and that marriage is not a joke.

    tell her and make her count on how many trips u took her. and tht when she calls you a poor man you get hurt. explain how you feel to her.

    if she still does not listen talk to her parents and send her to her parents house telling that you need some time alone let her stay there for a month and she will think how serious it is.

    divorce should not be so easy option. it should be the lastest choice.

  6. Find some one else to release your stress...
    She is ONE those girls/women who do NOT deserve to stay with you.
    May ALLAH ease your situation...BUT REMEMBER that YOU CAN NOT FORCE A LOVE ---especially to some who does not consider you...
    GO WITH HER TO HER FAMILY AND ADMIT ISSUES/THOSE PROBLEMS and then decide according to what they will tell you on her.

  7. This is the end stage like do or die , i am also from Saudi arabia expat living here and i can smell you are a saudi and married to western women if i am wrong correct me , i would suggest you to do istikhara and seek from Allah he will give you a solution.

    may Allah put love and mercy between both of your hearts

  8. To the OP!

    I will not go into detail as there are already sensible response are shared.

    In fact am replying it late as its OCT 2015 now.

    Only thing I would say, that now if she says to divorce her. Then tell her that she also have the option for permanent separation as much as you have. And then tell her you can use your right of Khula instead asking me to divorce.

    You have to do this, Because if she is blackmailing you by threatening of separation by divorce then again she will not repeat same. Or at-least you will not feel humiliated in-front of her. And "IF" she will be serious, she will proceed and take Khula. In both cases, you will be in better position. Now don't worry about your Son. Its your Son and Allah (SWT) knows you are sincere in this relationship and with your efforts. So he will take care of your Son, enshaa'Allah. Take your Son with you in case of Khula and find some sincere women.

    Good Luck.

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