Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife is disobedient to me and has anger issues

Assalamualaikum,

I am posting my question here to get a neutral opinion for my problem. I am a married, working 42-year-old, the only son of my parents, have two sisters, one is married living abroad, and the younger (who also works) is living with my parents in my home country. My wife is a twin sister...in total they are 4 sisters, they have no brother, her mother lives with her eldest sister. With my wife I have two daughters, a seven and a one-year- old.

We are from a middle-class family. I am working in the Middle East, UAE. I got married in 2011, and after my wedding, I processed the documents and got her a Visa and she came to live with me 3 months after the wedding. She stayed with me for three years.

During her first pregnancy, she wished to deliver the baby in our home country, so I agreed and sent her back. During pregnancy, she stayed with her own family, which is understandable, but later on, she didn't move back to our home in my home country. Me and my parents accepted this, but after persuading her much, she moved to my home (In the beginning, there had been some issues between my wife and my parents which we settled, she apologized, and things became normal).

In our society, women once married should live at their husband's place. At the time of my wedding, my parents were living in a rented apartment in my home country and we had separate rooms. Later, due to my job situation, I had to send my wife back home, and since then she is living with her sisters and occasionally visits my parents only after reminding her several time that she should at least visit my parents...Otherwise , she would only go when I visit my parents on short leaves...she stays the duration and leave for her sister's place as soon as I returned back to UAE.

Up until now, I have never asked her to serve my parents...but she still does not live at our place and always tries to get back to her sister and mother. I only want her to live with us and be a part of our small family-- to call our place "home" and settle there. Since my younger sister also works 9-5, only my aged parents are alone at home. Me and my family cannot understand why she is avoiding to settle there with my parents at our home in our home country.

Because of all this, my two daughters are getting closer to my wife's family Meanwhile, my parents miss my kids so much...they want to see them and play with them but I think it is of no importance to her. Initially, my parents didn't even insist on her living with us (after witnessing her short temper and anger) but now they really want to see my kids as they are also getting old and want the joy of spending time with my kids and see them growing...is this an unjust wish??

I know that the wife should stay where her husband lives but due to the economical situation and job problems, I had to send her back as I mentioned earlier. I did whatever I could in the situation. Please advise: shouldn't she stay at my place in our home country, with my parents, willingly? I don't want to force her. It hurts me a lot. I would be so happy if she herself live with us. I told her several times that it's my wish that she stay at our place. The excuse she has is that there is no one there to help her in picking my daughter from school, doing grocery shopping etc. Though she knows how to drive and I do have a car back home, she is still giving this excuse.

My aging father is managing till now. I know it's my responsibility to serve my parents and I'm really not a good son in this regard..my greatest regret 🙁 I told my wife many times that there are women who are living even more tough lives...but nothing helps...although she knows that I miss my parents and want to be with them, and that's why I asked her to live with them. At least if she lives with them, she could fill my place in some way. But she keeps herself away from my family. At one time she said "Your parents are only relatives to me just like any other relatives...I was speechless...how can she say this?...doesn't this mean that she has no regards for my parents and she considers them only relatives? And that she only cares about her mother, her sisters, and her family? She actually said this to me...there is no exaggeration.

During this time, my father and mother got sick, my father got hospitalized, and my company did not allow me to visit. I should have visited them, but I could not, and not on a single occasion did my wife go to stay at my home, my younger sister did all the care and managed home and her job. May Allah SWT bless her and reward for it.

My parents didn't look at anything while searching for a bride for me --neither looks, beauty, nor any dowry --we wanted a simple and educated family. Otherwise with people in our society, parents have high demands and requirement from brides and their families...but I agreed on my parents' choice. Anyways, since I sent her back from UAE, she is living with her elder sister and her mom. There, her brother-in-law and her sister are doing everything and she feels very happy there. They don't have any servants either. My wife goes to pick my daughter from school. Even though our home is not that far away from her sister's place, she still prefers to live with her own family!

She acts like a guest whenever she comes to my home...It really makes me sad. A couple of years back, her twin sister developed a brain tumor and their entire family were very disturbed. At that time, she was living with me in UAE, she wanted to go there to see her sister, and I agreed and sent her back...despite the fact that my daughter was going to school in UAE. She stayed with her sister for more than 6 months.

She had issues and complaints about power cuts and water shortage in our apartment. These problems are everywhere in our city. Considering that fact, I figured my wife will happily move if I get a better place. So I found accommodation with higher rent, more than my budget. I rented a bigger house with big rooms so she can live with my family, but still she is living with her sister. I have asked her politely to move back as my parents also want to see my kids and want her to live with us. She only goes to our home to cook and clean--then returns back to her sister's home.

Then her elder sister's son (her nephew) was diagnosed with leukemia and again their family got disturbed and she said her sister need them in this difficult time. And recently my mother-in-law got sick and hospitalized and she got reason to stay there. Just to mention, two of her sisters are doctors, and my wife also has medical degree. Why is she only considering herself and her family?

I'm here away from her and we seldom talk. Whenever I call, she gives the phone to my daughter, and if she does talk to me, she doesn't even show her face. And most of the time, she talks about money matters and other materialistic, practical things. I am a person with strong sexual urges and living away from my wife is in itself a test for me. She does not make any time for me--not a single loving message on Whatsapp--I told her this too, but it was of no use.

I still remember when we were planning to visit to our country for the first time with my wife after marriage for an annual vacation for 30 days. A few days before our departure, she asked me when she could visit her mother and sisters. I just casually told her we will see or will decide when we get there. She had a huge argument and fight with me, asking me "tell me when you will let me visit my family... confirm me." I was shocked to see her extreme reaction on such a small issue. I didn't deny her to visit her family but I got really disturbed. I even asked her if she wants to go to her family directly from airport??

I cannot afford to give her separate place due my financial situation. She is really short-tempered, speaks loudly, and has superstitious thinking. How can I make her realize that if I have allowed her to stay with her family in difficult times, it doesn't mean that she can always live there? And that she cannot have everything she wants? That she also has to compromise and should listen to her husband and what he wants? Why is she not considering my likes and dislikes? Really, I'm losing interest in her. Only because of my daughters am I accepting it.

She says husband and wife are of same stature. I tried to explain that wife has to obey her husband. In Islam, Allah has given husband right and responsibility for his wife and kids. But she said she doesn't believe this. And "she knows everything...no need to give her typical lectures of husband rights and wife responsibilities." Don't you think she should support me and listen to me rather than do what she feels and thinks only? Right? And that if she has to serve her mother, she should also consider my parents as hers on my relations side? Am I asking too much from her?? Or is she exploiting me? Can you please suggest how to handle this situation?

Assalamalaikum again-- after so long I am checking this form and surprised to see so many comments. I am really thankful to you all, and your valuable suggestions and opinions. Last year, I visited my family, and due to Covid, I had to stay there a prelonged period. Also, my father was not feeling well, I started working from home, and to be honest, I was happy to be with my family again. I had the time which I've always wanted with my parents, wife and kids together, as I always thought that due to my absence there are misunderstandings, and things would be normalized once we all live together.

During this time, my father also passed away, I had the opportunity to stay with my father during his illness, otherwise it would have been a life-long regret, so I just stayed back with family. After some time, my company asked me to return as flights were resuming, and my visa was also about to expire, so I explained to my wife to stay back home with my mother and assured her that things will be fine. Let me mention here that we are small family and have never been rigid...I never asked my wife to serve my parents ...neither me nor my parents had such intentions...I also know In Islam there is no such obligation on wife to serve their in-laws, I only wanted her to have cordial relationship and just stay at my place and gel in my family...of course I would make some arrangements for my parents if something is required for them.

Anyways, I had to return back to my job, but before leaving, my wife tried to convince me to try to come back in three to four months and find work here...I said to her "everything will be fine. dont worry have faith." Since it was Covid time, when I returned to my job, I had to serve quarantine for 15 days, and during this time I submitted my passport to my company for visa renewal....but then my mother got so sick, and having high fever, I asked my wife to be there, then she and my daughter also got dengue, things got disturbed so suddenly, my sister had to come to look after my mother, my younger was recently married and was also working so she was managing her home, her office and my mother...May Allah reward her, my wife was also not well.... and got admitted to hospital and her sisters were looking after her...thanks to them. Both my daughters were also with them.

When they were sick my wife's sister called me and insisted I come back. I told her that I am in quarantine and haven't joined office...also my passport is not with me...give me some time. "This argument got heated...I told her that I'm trying to manage but cannot come in on the next flight. During this time, I was in contact with my wife and when she got discharged, we again had arguments...there was no communication. I messaged her that I would come back, as I need to sell every hing. Before returning, I told her that things will not be same and we would need to cut down on our expenses and I would need her support.

She didn't reply and I was so upset. When she finally messaged me, she said that I am coming for my mother and not for her...I was just shocked. Why women cannot be just thankful and understanding? I was so upset. So I didn't told her my return date. I only called her when I was ready to come home. She again argued with me about why I didn't tell her about my arrival. Why did I come so suddenly and sell all our things?

After that, I tried to call her brother-in-law, which she regards as her big brother. I wanted to talk about her behavior to him, but he didn't answer. When I came, she inquired why I could not come, and I just said that I even try to call her brother-in-law and she suddenly got agitated and erupted in anger hysterically, shouting loudly, accusing me that how dare I called her brother-in-law.

With all this shouting, my mother came to ask why she is shouting, and she started accusing her of interfering in our matters. I told her that she is an elder and she can ask to stop something, but my wife never listens....we live in rented house so I pleaded her to slow down, but she didn't listen. I was so sad...why does she behave like this?....Why she just can't listen to me, heed my advice, control her anger? Our fights were happening so often that I told her that it's not normal and our kids are even so disturbed, but she said it's normal to fight among husband and wife! I went to her elder sister just to ask her to advise my wife, but even she took her side! I always wanted peaceful home atmosphere and always wanted my wife to talk politely, but it seems it's not her priority.

Now it has been almost two years that I've not found any job. I'm so worried about handling my financial problems and this bad relationship giving me so much tension. I had to take my daughter  away from her school because of my joblessness...she took admission in Masters to continued her education in an expensive college and I told her I cannot pay her fee. I didn't allowed her to go to school as I wanted her to take care of my kids, but she took admission anyways..I don't know from where she paid her admission fee and from where she would pay her future fees!

Anyways my wife and I, we are not talking. I have told her that if she continues to be disrespectful towards me, makes her sisters her priority, and only listens to them, then she should go and live with them. I'm so perplexed...I tried to explain her by all means...I tried to show her scholars videos, articles, lectures about what is Islamic ruling on anger control, big- mouthed people, husband-wife relationship, but she always refused to listen or read it, saying she has no time for these.

She is taking care of kids only and my mother is doing the cooking. I'm not sure till when this will last. Please pray for me and give me your valuable advice....should I consult any Islamic scholar and take fatwa about this issue, as I'm her family I have tried to come in between to sort but no one is willing to intervene, JazakAllah khair

Muslim


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16 Responses »

  1. Salam brother.

    Wow where do I start. I am trying to look at it at both point of views.

    Let me start of, as I am a women. I am trying to understand your wife and look at her attitude from her point of view. I think there is a lack of mutual love from both of you. As a women, we desire love and understanding from our husbands. Also connection in all forms is important. That is physical touch, intimacy, mentally and spiritually connected. There is love lacking between the two of you. You have to try your very best to connect with her. She has to fall in love with you and to truly love you to put your needs before anyone else's. The issue is your fault. Because of work, you had to send her back. If she had stayed with you from the very beginning, maybe things would have been different.

    Also keep in mind, she has no responsibilities to look after your parents. It's your responsibility to look after YOUR OWN PARENTS. If she does look after your parents, it's out of her own good nature and she will be blessed from Allah for the kind act.

    Also when her family was sick, did you show concern for them? Care, love and concern is a two way street. Did you visit them or call your wife to enquire about them?

    As from her part, she has to obey her husband no matter what. Whether she likes it or not. In not obeying you, she has sinned and angels curse her until your anger subsides. She has to tone down on her short temper and anger which will be very hard to do as it's inate in nature but doable with constant reminder and practice.

    I am sorry you are going through this, I feel like you are mostly responsible as you allowed and sent your wife back to stay with her family. Now you have to find a way to bring your family back. If it cannot be solved, find a imam who can intervene and help.

    There must be a reason why Allah arranged your marriage to each other. Marriage is not always perfect. Its basically a test and for you to learn to better yourselves as a human being and as a Muslim.

    • Aoa, I really connecter to your reply.
      Can you please help me in one query?
      In islam a wife should be obedient to her husband, that I know. But if the husband is demanding or commanding something which is not right (like in this particular question, the husband is demanding the wife to give up her right to stay at her sisters house in his absence, or to refuse serving his parents which even islam didn't ask her to do), then in that case, what a wife should do? Still be obedient or exercise her right given to her by Allah?

  2. You said, in our society the wife is suppose to stay at the husband’s parents home. What ruling is this. She can stay where ever she wants. She feels more comfortable living at her own family which is fine. When she visits your parents, you say she visits like a guest. She is not totally ignoring your parents. She takes your kids to their home. How do you tell your wife, hey in our society it’s demanded that you have to live with husband’s parents.

  3. * To Admin…….
    Brother Wael,
    Why is your site so slow? It used to be active. It’s a beneficial site. I’d hate to go away.
    Hope you are having a nice winter break with family.

    • Various reasons. Most of the editorial team we had in the past have moved onto other things. And my personal economic situation has declined, so I spend a lot more time working these days, and don't have as much time to manage this site. Sister Nor has been doing a fantastic job, mashaAllah, may Allah reward her immensely. But we could use more editors.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Thank you for your response. I may know a sister who can be a editor. What qualifications do you need? Sister Nor, may Allah reward you for keeping this site alive. Brother Wael may Allah give you taufiq to your financial circumstances.

        • Requirements would be good Islamic knowledge, willingness to learn how to use WordPress, and willingness to commit a few hours per week. Oh, and maybe most importantly: life experience, common sense, and a kind spirit.

          Wael
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • My friends wants to know if it’s a volunteer.

            I don’t want to comment here as it’s not related to above topic.
            What’s the best way to contact you?

      • Asalamualaykum Brother Wael and Tami,

        Thank you for your affirmation of my work, which was possible only with Allah's help. I definitely try to put this on my schedule whenever I can. In Sha Allah the site will continue to serve its purpose and help people for years to come. May Allah reward you both as well!

        Nor
        IslamicAnswers

  4. Wa 'Alaikumusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu.

    She must obey you in not leaving the house without your permission and going to live with her parents. It is her right to have a separate accommodation and she isn't obliged to live with your parents. She is rewarded for serving your parents but it is not obligatory on her. And regarding her not taking the matter of seeking knowledge and learning about the rights and responsibilities seriously then that is a really bad thing and shows a defect in her religious comittment. You stated that, " I tried to show her scholars videos, articles, lectures about what is Islamic ruling on anger control, big- mouthed people, husband-wife relationship, but she always refused to listen or read it, saying she has no time for these." This further proves my point regarding her religious commitment.

    In addition it is not permissible for her to travel a distance that is considered travelling without a mahram present with her.

    https://islamqa.info/en/answers/122630/can-women-travel-without-a-mahram

    Also another serious evil is that your wife referred to her brother in law as a "big brother" which means she did talk to him and has formed that relationship of "big brother" with him. But that is all haram and evil and there is a serious warning against that.

    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned against the husband’s relatives who are not mahrams to the wife entering upon her. It was reported from ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” A man from among the Ansaar said: “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the brother-in-law?” he said: “The brother-in-law is death.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4934; Muslim, 2172).

    Tell her to fear Allah and not be in communication with her brother in law.

    https://islamqa.info/en/answers/1940/wife-and-husbands-brother

    This is a serious matter and you should hasten to put an end to this evil.

    You also said that she says that," husband and wife are of same stature."

    This notion is refuted in the Quran as follows:
    "Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allâh has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allâh and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allâh orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband’s property)."
    (Part of Surah Nisa ayah 34)

    The men are the leaders of the household and are the ones in charge.

    Also remind her that Allah will ask her of her duties towards her children

    If she didn't stipulate in the marriage contract that you let her work then she needs your permission to work.

    Lastly you should not stay away from each other for a long period lest you fall into haram as you mention that you have strong sexual urges. It is not good for the both of you.

    https://islamqa.info/en/answers/10680/what-are-the-rights-of-the-husband-and-what-are-the-rights-of-the-wife

  5. She should obey you.Its compulsory for a Muslim to obey his husband.

    • You should remember that...
      According to Islam, you are the leader of your family and it is ordered on your wife to obey you...
      Let's look at this QURANIC verse..
      Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allâh has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allâh and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allâh orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband’s property)"
      Surah-nisah
      Clearly, ALLAH HERE SAYS THAT MEN ARE THE PROTECTERS AND MAINTAINERS OF WOMEN BUT....BUT... TODAY'S GENERATION DO NOT ACCEPT THIS FACT BECAUSE.. EVERYONE WANTS THIS TEMPEROL DUNYA....
      BROTHER.. DON'T NEED TO WORRY....
      99%OF MARRIAGES ARE LIKE THIS....
      DON'T WORRY...I CAN FEEL YOUR SORROW.. BECAUSE I EXPERIENCED THIS IN MY LIFE
      PLEASE HERE MY STORY--
      ME AND MY WIFE WERE MARRIED SIX YEARS AGO..
      I'M WORKING IN A SMALL COMPANY AND SHE IS C:A WORKING IN A BIG COMPANY..
      INITIALLY WE HAVE A GREAT MUTUAL AFFECTION BETWEEN US...
      AS THE TIME PASSES AWAY SHE SAID TO ME SHE WANTS TO"ADVANCE HER CAREER"EVEN THOUGH SHE HAD A GREAT SALARY...SHE SAID TO ME THAT SHE NEED TO GO UK TO "ADVANCE HER CAREER" WITHOUT ME...THIS SHOCKED ME... SHE ANGERED AT ME AND THREATENED ME WITH HER RELATIVES...
      SHE SAID THAT SHE WILL RETURN TO ME AFTER THREE YEARS..
      THIS AGAIN SHOCKED ME...I SAID TO HER THAT YOU CANNOT LEAVE ME BECAUSE YOU ARE MY WIFE..AT THAT TIME SHE SAID TO ME "I'M SUPERIOR TO YOU IN TERMS OF PROFESSION AND SALARY...SO YOU CANNOT ORDER ME"
      I CANNOT GRASPE THESE WORDS...
      AT A MORNING SHE LEFT ME TO UK FOR"ADVANCING HER TEMPEROL CAREER" WITHOUT SAYING ANY GOOD BYE..
      IT IS "FIVE YEARS"SINCE SHE LEFT ME... I'M ALONE IN MY HOUSE WITHOUT HAVING A FUTURE...
      NO WIFE..
      NO KIDS...
      NO RELATIVES..
      NO FRIENDS...
      I'M ALL ALONE...
      SINCE THAT TIME THE"WOMEN"IN MY MY MIND DIED...
      I WILL NEVER MARRY IN THIS SHITTY DUNYA...
      I WILL DIE ALONE...
      BROTHER DO YOU KNOW FATHIMA BINT MUHAMMAD????
      BIBI FATHIMA IS OUR NOBLE PROPHET'S DAUGHTER...
      DO YOU KNOW HER LOVE TOWARDS HER HUSBAND ALI (R.A)??
      IF YOU READ IT.. YOUR EYES WILL FLOOD WITH TEARS....
      DO YOU KNOW BIBI FATHIMA (R.A) ,BY DOING HOUSEHOLD WORKS,
      THE SKIN OF HER HAND TORN AWAY..??
      DO YOU BIBI FATHIMA (R.A)IN HER ENTIRE LIFE NEVER EVER RAISED HER VOICE ABOVE HER HUSBAND ALI (R.A)???
      Dear brother, please understand the fact-
      "A WOMAN AND WIFE LIKE BIBI FATHIMA (R.A) "NEVER "WILL BE BORN IN THIS WORLD AGAIN""
      MAY ALLAH ALWAYS BLESS BIBI FATHIMA (R.A)...SHE IS THE "REAL AND PURE"DEFINITION OF A WIFE... MAY ALLAH ALWAYS BLESS OUR BEAUTIFUL BIBI FATHIMA (R.A)..SHE LOVED HER HUSBAND IN A THAT NI ONE CAN NEVER EVER DESCRIBE....
      MAY ALLAH ALWAYS BLESS OUR BEAUTIFUL BIBI FATHIMA (R.A)...
      SO BROTHER DON'T HOPE IN THIS TEMPERORY DUNYA...
      BROTHER YOU NEED TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT-
      "ONE DAY WE WILL DIE...OUR CREER WILL DIE... OUR BEAUTY WILL DIE... OUR WEALTH DIE...OUR EVERYTHING WILL DIE"""
      SO DON'T LOSE HOPE...LOVE"ONLY" ALLAH... LOVE"ONLY ALLAH"
      LOVE "ONLY"ALLAH....
      DON'T WORRY BROTHER...BE HAPPY...I ..I KNOW YOU ARE INNOCENT... DON'T WORRY... BROTHER.. DON'T WORRY...
      "Now my only hope is pure"HOOR-AL-AYN"OF JANNAH"
      I LOST EVERYTHING..I LOST HOPE IN THIS WORLD...NOW I'M LIKE BARREN LAND...
      "NOW MY ONLY HOPE IS"HOOR AL AYN"OF JANNAH.....""
      MAY ALLAH BLESS YOU AND YOUR PARENTS AND YOUR DAUTHERS.
      .BYE BROTHER....
      "THIS DUNYA IS NOTHING BUT A TEMPEROR
      DELUSION"-HOLY QURAN...
      NOW MY ONLY HOPE IS HOOR AL AYN OF JANNAH...

    • Even what he is doing wrong? Forcing her to stay at his parents house while he not living in the country.

    • 'Just a Pakistani Muslim here', your comment shows you are literally a Pakistani first and Muslim after.

      Your comment stems from backward Pakistani cultural thinking.

      • Asalamualaykum SisterZ,

        There is nothing wrong with saying "Pakistani Muslim" as the first serves as the modifier of the second. "Muslim Pakistani" is actually not necessary as most in Pakistan identify as Muslim. Also, it isn't right to claim that people from a certain country are "backwards."

        No ill intent sis ☺

        Nor
        IslamicAnswers

  6. Salaam Alaikum brother,

    Muslim revert here. I first ask you all to correct me if I'm wrong on something, as I do not have all the answers.

    I was reading the post and and there were multiple statements that just seemed insincere, such as the not believing that wife should obey husband (provided the commandment is halal), the statement about OP's parents only being relatives, getting money for tuition somehow without speaking honestly where it came from etc... There are just so many pointers of something wrong going on behind the scenes. Why was she always so fixated on staying in her home country, but then got angry when he came?

    Now this may be coming from the fact that I'm a revert and I've experienced from the Western (North American) world, but to me there is definitely something going on behind the scenes, I'm not accusing her of anything, just the behavior I see is extremely similar to the behavior of someone who is deceiving their spouse (whether it's from adultery and what we call in the west "checking out" from the marriage or another subject). God forbid that this is the case, as dealing with that is an ordeal I'm not to familiar with when it comes to Islamic ways one can take to approach this situation (in the west someone, OP could just hire a private investigator, but I'm not sure of the fatwa's on this...)

    Communication has to be built up on why she's acting this way, the details need to be clear because without clarity the marriage will always be rocky... If there is a lack of intimacy that WILL create problems between the spouses, I personally believe that should be kept high as much as possible, even when OP mentioned that he has strong sexual desires.

    May Allah grant you clarity in your situation.

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