Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife is mentally ill, but I didnt know till after marriage


I got married in sept 2011. Since then my spouse behaved in different ways .I got lost to find her madness like actions. I tried my best to advice her to mend her behavior so that we can live a happy married life which will lead to our bright future but all in vain .When referred to her parents they were also advising her to behave properly and apologizing us for her rude and rough behavior. This process continued for lost six months. She was getting irritated on one and other pretext so much so that she was going out of control crying shouting and bucking filthy and abusive language.

Her parents, who were concealing the reality of her mental sickness, used to beg on her behalf each time. Suddenly she tore her photograph snatched the buntings of the room and left home in furious manner. On checking we found she had already stolen all our Gold ornaments and kept in her parents home with out our knowledge. They came in a group in our Mohalla, stoned our house and shouted curses and filthy language. They created pandemonium so much so that we had called Police for our protection.

Kindly advice us how shall we get our immovable Gold property back when they were aware of the mental sickness of their daughter and married her by not disclosing this to us. On the sacred name of NIKAH they cheated us, looted us of Gold ornaments and made our domestic life miserable in these six months period. Your valuable suggestions shall be awaited eagerly

Thank you Sir


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12 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    It sounds like your real question is how to get your gold back. If you and your family had this gold before you married the girl, and it was stolen, it seems like it would make sense to call the police and have them handle this theft? If the parents took it you would likely have a strong case, but if the gold was considered mutually yours and your wife's by virtue of marriage I believe you might have to chalk it up to a loss if she's not willing to return it. Did the gold echnically belong to you, or your family which you are apparently living with?

    I know you feel you have been cheated and decieved, and in a sense you're right because the girl's parents didn't volunteer this information about their daughter. However, it's not natural that most people volunteer any information that could be seen in a bad light or taken against them, and that is why it's important for you ask questions about issues like this so you can make the best decision for yourself when choosing a girl to marry. If you or your family didn't feel it was necessary to ask about any health or psychiatric issues that might make a difference in the relationship, then that was your mistake, which also led to this outcome. You can't really hold a grudge on them for the entire outcome when you had the chance to ask questions that could've made it possible to avoid all this.

    As it happens, when someone is mentally ill you can't just ask them to act right and expect they will. People who are mentally ill have actual chemical imbalances which influence their mood, emotions and behaviors, and there's only so much willpower one can have to override that. When someone has a severe case, it's better they try to get on medication and use therapy to help them manage their illness. Many times, with the proper treatment, these individuals are able to have meaningful lives and healthy relationships. It's too bad that no one tried to get your wife the help she needed, resulting in her being divorced and you having these frustrations over what transpired.

    -Amy Editor

  2. @AMY

    If you or your family didn't feel it was necessary to ask about any health or psychiatric issues that might make a difference in the relationship, then that was your mistake, which also led to this outcome. You can't really hold a grudge on them for the entire outcome when you had the chance to ask questions that could've made it possible to avoid all this.

    Are we really suggesting that marrying the girl in good belief is the OP and his family's problem and the girl's family who lied to get rid of their daughter and who created a hell like situation for everyone involved must not be held answerable?

    Also, do you really think the OP would have got to know the truth if he or his family would have asked the wife's family about any medical history their daughter has or had?!?!

    Do we realise, that here we are dealing with a family that on purpose didn't disclose their daughter's mental instability, because perhaps for them getting their mentally instable daughter married was akin to good riddance!

    In fact, even if we believe that the girl's family acted in good belief (to get her married and let her have a chance to life), how can we ignore the fact, that these parents could let their sick daughter, who needed help, medical attention, family's care, move into an altogether alien environment, which in all probabilities could have perhaps aggravated her sickness!?!?!

    How could the parents leave their sick daughter in an completely new and demanding situation, when perhaps she was not even stable to lead a normal life at her parents' house?

    How did they assume that the boy's family will manage the situation when they themselves could not help their daughter for years together?!?!?!

    In fact, the begging for forgiveness, time and again by the girl's parents, proves the point that they were very well aware of what their daughter was capable of doing and at no cost they were willing to take her back. They wanted the boy and his family to endure everything and keep giving their daughter a chance, no matter what!

    One needs to understand, the OP's post is not about holding a grudge, the fact is the OP and his family feels betrayed and perhaps is in a state of shock!!! Having a mob pelting stones at your home and seeking police intervention, is not something we do it in our lives on daily basis. Worst is the loss of love, dreams, peace of mind, faith, breach of trust and to an extent reputation, as well. Who's going to compensate for all of it? You see, people don't get married every now and then.

    Moreover, is the girl really mentally INSTABLE? Well, I believe, if she's CLEVER enough to sneak gold out of the husband's house, then she's certainly not as insane as she's made everyone to believe!

    It's too bad that no one tried to get your wife the help she needed, resulting in her being divorced and you having these frustrations over what transpired.

    Yes, the girl's family indeed should have helped their daughter all along, especially when they were very well aware of her situation. In any case, they were better equipped (mentally, emotionally, morally) to help their daughter, help her cure over a period of time, help her get ready for a better life ahead. Of course, this would have taken years, but at least they would have helped their daughter lead an independent and respectable life. What they have done now, has not helped anybody, not their daughter, not their ownselves, not anybody.

    Lying and cheating just to serve a purpose never really serves the purpose in the long run.

    Yes, the guy has SUFFERED from the wrong doings of a bunch of people who could never care enough for their own child but were certainly expecting a bunch of strangers to do something they could never!

    • Salaams,

      I'm sure it's just me, but when it comes to accusations of "mental health issues" I always take things with a grain of salt. I don't necessarily assume that her parents were doing all the things they are being accused of in this post, but all that's besides the point. My point in saying what you quoted from me was simply that if someone is going to have an issue with being married to someone who is mentally ill, they should take the initiative to find out these things before marriage. I really don't believe that folks should assume anyone is NOT mentally ill, because mental illness takes many shapes and forms and has different levels of severity. As a result, "mental illness" is a lot more predominant than most people think If an individual finds that to be a dealbreaker, do some homework. Otherwise, if it's not important enough to find out about it before marriage, it should not be important enough to divorce over either.

      Actually, the examples shown here as evidence of her mental illness don't really prove anything clinical, because there are plenty of people who are not mentally ill but can still have temper tantrums or steal things. Yet, on the flipside, mentally ill people don't need to be psychotic to meet criteria for being diagnosed. So to answer what you said: I believe, if she's CLEVER enough to sneak gold out of the husband's house, then she's certainly not as insane as she's made everyone to believe! YES she could be savvy enough steal gold and still be quite mentally ill with some form of bipolar disorder or depression.

      Personally, I don't find it outside the realm of possibility that this poster (who, after all, only got married last fall) just wasn't satisfied with his wife's character or flaws and has blown them up out of proportion because of his dissappointment. There is the chance that he just wanted to throw in the towel at the first inconvenience, and is painting this picture to justify what is going on. Truthfully it can really go either way- it either really WAS that bad....or it was overblown. Regardless of what the case may have been, I still see this as a situation that could have been managed in a way to help the wife, but instead the focus has shifted to her flaws and the problems that they caused (real or imagined).

      I'm not saying that I'm always accurate, but I'm not going to change way I respond to a post based on the feel I was personally getting from it. It's not my goal in life to always be correct, but it is my conviction to share how I honestly see things, whether others will agree or not or even if I'm shown to be wrong. I am thankful that this forum doesn't require a unanimous view in order to help others, because in real life problems are solved when the person who is seeking an answer looks at multiple angles and then chooses the best one for his unique situation.

      -Amy Editor

      • Amy, I do not claim to be an expert on mental disorders (so I dismiss the need to do homework on mental disorders etc), my comment is entirely based on the post here!

        I believe, by any given standards, a newly wed (irrespective of the gender, and even generally) who abuses, uses foul language, has temper issues, is capable of "stealing", doesn't consider taking the spouse in confidence before taking a certain decision, who walks off on the spouse and the in-laws, who creates a huge ruckus over a dispute, to the extent that one needs police intervention, IS CERTAINLY NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY!

        Even if the guy would have not stated that his wife has a mental illness, her behaviour is not really acceptable. Yes, if she has problems, she has every right to express herself, but holding people to ransom is certainly not helpful, in which situation the person at the receiving end definitely has the right to step out of it.


        But instead they have created a mess, which was really not required.

        What bothers me is,

        - How did the girl's parents expect a bunch of strangers (a relationship of a couple of years as against the lifetime their daughter's spend with them!) to help their daughter who needed help, medical attention, warmth and love of a family, when they themselves could not?

        - Why are the parents who are BETTER EQUIPPED to handle this given situation, to help their daughter, trying to cover up a grave problem instead of finding a permanent solution to it?

        - Why are the parents working so hard on keeping a marriage intact, when they should have ideally worked harder on extending every possible help to their daughter in getting healthy, independent and stronger before pushing her into something she was not capable of dealing?

        - And if like you have suggested, if the OP's the one who's exaggerating the issue, then why on earth are the parents so keen on letting their daughter continue a marriage where she's not even respected and instead is accused of lying, stealing and being mentally instable?

        Yes, none of us perhaps knows what the REAL situation is like, but abusing a family, stealing and gathering a mob is certainly not a manner in which family disputes are sorted out or solved. The guy everytime he had a problem at least tried sorting out things with the girl or by involving her parents.

        Also, if the girl, like you have said, is ill and indeed capable of stealing (which can have serious repercussions if it happens beyond the immediate families) then is this situation (which has already aggravated the girl's illness) by any chance a healthy situation for the girl herself?

        For how long do we see the guy and his family tolerate this and not react as compared to the tolerance and understanding she might (and ideally should) receive from her parents?

        Especially, when the husband and his family already feel they have had enough of this. Especially, when the husband and his family already feel they have tried enough. Especially, when they already feel and believe they have been betrayed and very rightly so.

        The mental illness is a deal breaker, especially if and when the guy's family was tricked into believing everything's hunky dory! Trust and respect are crucial for a good healthy marriage or for any given relationship. And if it is not in place, then I believe, nothing's in place.

        The ideal solution, if the girl's really in a bad state, is to set the girl free from any responsibility that frustrates her or aggravates whatever "health issues" she's dealing with. People just need to let her be and give her whatever medical support she needs. I think, the girl clearly needs to address her issues first before taking on responsibilities of a spouse, in-laws, children etc.

        P.S. Amy, I do not think you have to take my comments personally. Do not take my post as a QUESTION to YOU as an individual, for it's indeed a discussion. Perhaps, it's the way I write, particularly using the question marks, that sends across the wrong signal. Yes, like you have said, we need to be open to all sorts of views and perspectives. At the end of it all, it's not about who's wiser and who's right, it's all about helping a person think before he / she takes a decision that may alter his / her life. And if our discussions can help the OP think and decide then certainly the purpose is served. And that is what matters!

        • Salaams,

          I honestly didn't think I was taking your post personally in the sense of being reactionary. You did quote and respond to my initial response, so I didn't think it would be out of place for me to clarify those statements for anyone who might've understood them in a similar way. For better or for worse I do tend to see things at different angles from others, so it's become somewhat habitual for me to expand upon my views if I think it's needed to be understood. I'm sure that, coupled with being a fairly passionate person, can come across as though I'm defending myself, but in all honesty that's not really what I'm trying to do lol.

          I have to say though, that the girl and her family BOTH seem to be emotionally labile and dramatic, so it's hard to imagine that this was not observed on any level before the marriage. I think it might've been a good flag if it had. It's hard to believe that these behaviors (on the parents part, mostly) would just show up out of the blue, unprecedented!


  3. If you or your family didn't feel it was necessary to ask about any health or psychiatric issues that might make a difference in the relationship, then that was your mistake, which also led to this outcome.

    I have a reason when I pointed this out. I'll tell you why.

    You see, we come across abundant posts on daily basis on this very website, where a woman is betrayed by her husband, or the husband turns out to be a drug abuser or on domestice violence, and all kinds of issues in marriage and relationships. Now none of these people knew beforehand, that eventually this is what their spouses would subject them to. In fact, if they would have known it, they would have perhaps not gone ahead with the marriage. But unfortunately that's just not the case, they never get to know it, and then eventually after giving their best, they feel trapped and feel abused. In that case, should we accuse these people of not being cautious enough in chosing the right partner or because their partner couldn't be the person he was supposed to be?

    The point is people marry with the right intentions, under a good belief, with the right hopes, with a dream to give it their best.

    ...And it is only when all of it goes for a toss, only when your patience is stretched beyond a point, your goodness is taken for your weakness, that people have to sit and think, if they really need to endure this in their life. If they really deserve this.

    • That's true, but I can say also that when it comes to mental illness, if it's severe enough to show it's head like described here, it's going to be that severe before marriage as well...enough so to take note and ask about what's going on. If someone is truly mentally ill in such a way that they lose themselves and "go nuts", they won't be able to keep it hidden for a long time before a marriage and then all of a sudden it starts up out of the blue after marriage. Unless he had no time with the girl to observe her at all (which to me is a whole other problem that should not happen either) before he married her, I think maybe it's possible there may have been a glimmer as to what kind of person she really was that he either chose to maybe ignore or believe would somehow disappear.


  5. so what if this person became ill after marriage.. do you guys simply divorce her/him?

  6. If she would be your daughter than what you might have done for her? Marriage of insane or mentally ill is a big problem with parents.

  7. Since she took the gold and kept it in her house correctly its pretty clear that the girl does not have any mental illness and there is doubt that gold was given by her family and propably hse had the fear of it being misued for the guys purposes. If she really had a mental illness she will never thing about gold.

  8. First, we do not know how the boy's family behaved with the girl. Often girls are treated so badly by the in-laws and if and when they respond, then they are labelled as crazy. All I see in this situation in that the boys family complained to the girls family. Girl family tried to sort things out and apologized for her behavior. So they are obviously nice people who did not try to say our daughter is perfect. They saw that she was unhappy and being treated badly. They stoned his house, not nice but they accept that their daughter is being treated badly. She had the courage to leave. If she took her own jewelry, she is allowed to do that. She should not have taken stuff given to her by his family. How did this boy decide she is mentally ill? He needs first to see how he and his family behaved towards her. Did he give her a home away from his family and did she still behave badly.
    I married a guy from back home. I spent every summer before marriage back home. His family could not praise me enough before marriage. Literally, the day after wedding , they no longer found anything I did cute. Everything was stupid, careless, and I was crazy. I have not gone back in 23 years and have no desire to do so. I have two beautiful, well-behaved children whom everyone praises and gives me credit for doing a good job as a mother. I have a full-time job working with autistic children. According to them, I was a "white" girl who had no respect for anyone and did not know how to behave like an honorable daughter-in-law.
    I would really want to know what this boy and his family did to cause this so called mental illness. To me, if the girl;s family went so far as to stone his house, they must have been provoked. How do people go from apologizing for their daughter's behavior to stoning a house? A lot had to go down before things got to that point.
    I believe this OP needs to look at his own vehavior and the behavior of his family towards the girl to truly see what caused this so called "mental illness."

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