My wife and her past relationship
ASSALAMU ALAYKOM WARAHMATULLAHI WABARAKATUHU
I'm 32 of age male married to 29 yr old, now working in abroad for almost six months, I've been reading some of the articles in this web site and through this I have come up to the idea to share my emotions the mentality that keeps me weaken more, i dont know where to start to be more detailed, i keep this feelings for a year, i know it lessen my problem if i could tell it to someone but my egos will be killing me, it makes me crazy i had a hard time to sleep at night sometimes masturbate a lot and even my work i don't have motivation to focus.
first i met this girl or my wife through some of friends and then she told me to court her, i was attracted because of her hospitality we've only met once in person with that we constantly communicated through text messaging and sometimes chatting that was 2009, she lives in the city while i stayed at province, She's on a vacation when we've met,
i really fell so in love with this girl just like i cant ignore a day without a message from her, after a 5 months of communication I've decided to apply a job in abroad so i moved in city where i can find a job, this time we do have more contacts sometimes we go outside together enjoying company,
i know she has past relationship with a married man which is forced to marry with the other girl maybe they were caught dating or something else, just like she was betrayed by his past, the problem is i didn't know they have intimate relationship with her past, after two years she only tells me when we were engaged. she confess that they slept in hotels but she assured me that she's still a virgin, she's reason is that to avoid gossip of someone else, I cried a lot when she tells me about her past but she didn't know, i choose not continue but arrangement is done im afraid to my parents, she told me that i'm judge mental, performed salatul istikara prayers twice a day, after our marriage and been together for 10 months my application was approved, still we do contacts now but i was not at ease i felt i was betrayed too, sometimes i want to confront her but i guess it will end up to separation because were to far from each other now, but the anger still lives in me, i want to let her know how i feel to let my my anger out, but i love her much...
i hope and prayed that i was wronged with my doubt,
please i need advices as soon as possible,
jazakallahu kairan....
Mok.
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Salaams,
I have to be honest, I agree with your wife that you might tending toward judgmentalism with her. Think about this: the past cannot be changed. Whatever she did, or that you suspect she might have done (since you say she denies doing anything inappropriate per se) has happened and cannot be undone. Since she can't go back in time and change things, the question you have to ask yourself is, how long are you going to be mad at her for something she can't change? A year? 10 years? The rest of her life?
From what I can tell, all of this took place before you came on the scene. If you thought you would marry a girl who never did anything bad in her life (and I'm not saying this to infer that she did, for all we know she did conduct herself with propriety, although her choices were questionable), you have deceived yourself. Every woman and man has a 'past'. We have all made mistakes or sins in the past. We are all imperfect people. Here's the kicker: we are all still making mistakes/sins, and we will continue to do so the rest of our lives.
Your wife is never going to be faultless. She will have her flaws and make her missteps. The real question is, what kind of husband do you want to be to her? Do you want to be a man who unmercifully holds against her every fault and wrong, or a man who is compassionate and forgiving and truly is trying to help his wife be the best Muslimah she can be? If you have trouble answering that question, ask yourself how you would want her to treat you? You aren't perfect, either!
Brother, now that you're married you are going to find that there will be no end to the things you can hold against her, or that she can hold against you. With that being the case, there's really no point in hanging on to something that happened before she committed herself to you. If you continue to let yourself feel so upset about what's past, you are only going to find marriage as stressful and overwhelming as ongoing problems mount. One of the keys to a successful marriage is being able to love your spouse with mercy and tenderness, and look for the good in them while downplaying their faults. I tell you the truth, if every couple kept a record of wrongs, there would be NO ONE married right now.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam. Sister amy not all men and women have a past..if you mean relationships, dating then you are wrong. If you mean general sins and not following islam 100% then you are right. Everybody has faults and not perfect.
Brother mok its too late for you to think about wheather your wife is a virgin or not. You chose to marry her knowing she had past relationships with men. You chose such a girl with such character. Now you should both live happily and forget the past. Both of you have to trust eachother otherwise your marraige will be doomed.
Salaams,
To clarify, I was not meaning only relationships/dating about having a past. I meant any kind of sin or mistake.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I have to agree with muslimgirl you knew of her past and you still married her, you had a choice to not marry her. Make amends and trust her because i honestly think you are being unfair to her she is your wife not your doormat .
ASSALAMU ALAYKOM WARAHMATULLAH WABARAKATUHU
First i'd like to say alhamdulillah for the responses sisters, my point for being judgemental is what would people say sleeping in some hotels with guy? i know she has past relationship i accepted it but i didnt know it was too much, they say that what you dont know wont hurt you, so i guess better not to know or from the start of the relationship i was already informed, and how would people accept you if you yourself dont accept your mistakes, inshaa allah il try my best to understand her i know i have my faulties too but it doesnt mean it should be like this astagfirullah, i was too good for her when we where in our relationship, its just that now it was lessen not like before, the love still there i know....
jazakallahu kairan,
Asalama Aleykum my brother in Islam.
I can tell you one thing knowing about the past of your spouse only hurts you and hunts you and it doesn't
solve anything. You married her and you could have understood whether she was a virgin or not. My brother
in Islam Iam not going to tell you it is easy thinking about what happened, but i can tell you how to ease that
pain. Have a complete trust in Allah, and know if she did zina before she married you that is between Allah
and her, but if she is telling you nothing happened then leave it like that and have a faith in Allah. I pray a
happy and healthy home for both of you, and my Allah ease your pain akhi.
Hi dear!
I don't see any complication in your relationship. You are making it complicated. I think virginity might be a big issue if you are a virgin too. No offense, every culture and religion is different. I am a hindu. I was virgin when i was married to my husband. We had a different situation ..........we are not together since 2005. I spent 3 months together with him between 2005 to 2012. Many thing happened between these years. Things got so worst that my husband married a different woman, which lasted for 3 months. He was in a drug. He created so much problems between two families. I could not move on. I never dated anyone. I was getting really hopeless and depressed. One day, when i was making up my mind to move on, I felt so much love and guilt for my husband.........all of a sudden. I felt that he is the one for my life chosen by God. SEE, we both were not perfect. I got selfish after coming to abroad. I ignored him when he started drug, lying, cheating. I could not have changed him but I could have helped him. My point beside my story is that ..if you love somebody past does not matter. U acknowledge past but you don't live with it. You look for future of both. Today, after 7 years, I am going to my own country if he does not get visa. I am 26 yrs old. He made me go through hell but I love him so much that I don't remember what he did to me. Everyone has some kind of past. Love is a strong bond that no past can shake it. Your wife confessed that she did not have any sexual relationship with a guy. After all, even she had, it is over. In a serious relationship, sex means love. There is no guarantee that every relationship ends up with a happy marriage. No one should waste his/her life for one person. She moved on because things did not work out between her ex and her. Today, she is your wife. She is weaving her future with you. Don't make your self so unhappy for no reason. It is not always so easy to get someone you love in your life lol.
apny naseeb per sabar karo, sub adam k aulad ha ,
Every man is capable of giving something in a relationship
some can give money and assume that every one around them is happy,
some can give a endless and meaningless attention to their women,
some can teach responsibility and give respect to their women,
ITS A GUY THING
what I meant to say is giving in a relationship is purely personal we even dont care others whether they like it or not b,coz we are happy with our selves. simply just doing things for others like our jobs social work or asking dua.
So long story short IF UR A GUY WHO GIVES LONG TERM BENEFITS(pardon my language).
1)COMMON SENSE
that she was cheated just like men in this case her ex-partner gave her only one aspect of her life, his love and him doing things and painted that it is love and she for the time being couldnot or she was helpless even to consider that their are better men out in the world who can give her even more.
2)FORGIVENESS
you heard things about her now and will hear in the future IN THE NAME OF ALLAH she is a child to allah and mohammad(s.a.w.s) they will forgive her ask strength from allah and mohammad and they will give you a wonderful oppurtunity in making her a saint to the almighty if you pass this test allah will give you A WIFE WHO CLEANED HER SOUL AND A CHILD AS FRESH AS A SUNRISE b'coz she had a descedent of allah as her husband.
3)SELF-CONFIDENCE
do you believe in killing all the people who have done wrong something that mohammad(saws) didnt,
do you believe that giving a chance and no matter what accomplishing change in the hearts and minds of the people,gain personal confidence and satisfaction that you are more of man not only physically and mentally b'coz real man first understand the situations and circumstance then he will make best decision.
IF you are above said quality guy then any girl with this past is just like a bad dream or a DOG(her ex-) biting her and you who have sole rights and responsibilities will treat her with medicine and laugh at the dog who thinks that he acheived some thing by cheating her.
HOPE DIDNT BORED YOU BRO
my wife also was in love with a pervert before her marriage but thanks to allah and my family everyone who used to backbite her about her past now came to understanding that she is a victim and the pervert did what satan does think that entire my family is providing for his left over food or used water bottle.
IM THE HAPPIEST MAN ALIVE.
You are immature buddy. Everybody has a past, including my wife. U need to make urself emotionally strong and I'm 6 years younger then u
Dear brother did you forget her past
Ur lucky that she told u because most wives don't and keep it a secret till the end of time, because they're scared of being rejected by immature guys. See it this way, she trusts u! 99% of the guys want a pure girl and 99% girls have a past, most girls are lying. Lucky u she's soooo honest, I'm jealous of the trust between u two(beautiful). Let's show the world the we guys can be strong too!