Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife won’t have sex with me

Sexless marriage, lack of intimacy, no sex

Ok I been married for 8 years now, I love my wife very much, my wife only has sex with me ones every 2 weeks, I ask her so many times but she always refuses me, giving me the excuse that she can't be bothered to have a shower ect ect ect, I have tryd to talk to her number of times, but it's all waste as she turn back to her self in 2 days, so trying to talk to her about it is always failing,I have a high sex drive and she seems to have no sex drive, I'm a very good looking lad and she is also, she is  14 years older then me, I don't know what to do as I don't want to leave her, and I don't want to cheat, when we eventually do have sex it's not intermat it's like she doesn't even love me, she doesn't kiss me, the first 2 years of our marriage it was perfect she always kissed me and never would refuse me in bed, and showed respect love,  but after 2 years everything started to change, I'm so frustrated and don't know what to do, all I want my wife to love me and be intermat with me,

What do you sisters think I should do?


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24 Responses »

  1. Slm my advice to take your wife to an Islamic scholar or to her parents to advice her. And to tell them that if she denied you sex then you will go for a second marriage since you can't go and commit zina. Because if she really loves you and don't see a reason why she denies you your marital rights. And u need to tell her that u cannot tolerate this kind of attitude, because if she is sick or have something that is disturbing her. You are the first person to know and as a husband I know you will try and solve her problems. So please talk to her and read some hadith and explain to her about marriage and sex in Islam. And get her some cds of Islamic scholars like sheikh mufti menk. He has many cds that talks about marriage and intimacy in marriage. May Allah guides and help you with your wife Amin.

    • " or to her parents to advice her" - I wouldn't advise that as that is extremely embarrassing and no son/daughter wants their parents to know about their sex lives, regardless.

  2. What reasons does she give u for not being intimate? maybe she needs to see a doctor for her sex drive. Also you need to advise her that islamicaly she is committing sin so she needs to sort out the problem. And if it is laziness then u need to say to her u will need to marry again, then she may get scared and be good to u.
    Also maybe see a sex councillor

    • My wife spends more time and energy fighting me off and pushing me away then it would ever take to put out. She.d rather spend an hour or more hours denying me than just 5min of sex. So that's just wasted time for everyone and where.s the gain or benefit for her? There is none so what is her deal? Is she cheating? Is she feeling unsexual about herself? Has she forgotten how to value me? What is the answer?! Id really like to hear what a woman who denies sex has to say about this! Because it is important! It's not just about sex and getting off - I'm not a single man anymore I'm married - so it's about intimacy, love, respect, honesty, faithfulNess and devotion. And if the wife is constantly denying sex and is not cheating then I believe that she is not being faithful.

      There is a Greek play that many movies are based. It's about the women going on sex strike until the men stop the violence and show more respect to both men and women. But what is a man is being peaceful and respectful but the wife still denying? we men can play that card too but in reverse.

      Try this: get on top of all chores. Do some exercise. Buy yourself some running shoes. Show her 1cor7 in the bible and the quoran equivalent. Show her websites posting similar issues. ask her for just 5min per day of her time. And then:
      no sex? No going out.
      No sex? No gifts or presents.
      No sex? No quiet (children, tv noise etc)
      No sex? No talking.
      Hopefully in time sex will resume but there.s always alcohol or threat of divorce to persuade her..

      • Most men just say that women dont want to have sex or deny sex... but none of you have ever asked if by having sex with you does she feel its a waste of time because shes not being satisfied and tired of just going through the motions. Are you really taking care of her needs or just fulfilling your own selfish ones? Its easy for men to throw the bible and the Qur'an at women, but you have duties as men and husbands that are not always taken care of either. Sometimes you need to ask yourself is it you, and not her....

        • This is not an islamically valid argument. This also does not seem to be the problem as there seems to be no real communication from her about how he could improve. My bet is that it’s a mix of she’s not attracted to him sexually and that she doesn’t respect him really.

  3. I think its due to hormonal imbalance which leads to low libidio. Take her to some good doctor and get her hormones checked. I think there are lot of remedies in homeopathy too with no side effects. Don't just blame her she is older and that's natural she just needs proper treatment. Do not scare her further by saying she is disobeying Allah's commands. Be nice with her give her more respect care for her feelings and above all seek medical assistannce asap.

  4. Hmm you sound like me .Write a letter express how you feel.tell your true feelings and say the truth.I do have to ask you.Do you treat her nicely or just a piece of meat? Do you take her out for breakfast or some restaurant .Do you both pray Salah and read quran because these are the key elements to happy successful peaceful healthy relationship.Also it's possible that she is effected with jinn from my experience.A women should never refuse a husbands urges unless she is unclean.Soo we need to read manzil or play manzil and cure each other of the evil forces that come upon us.One scholar said don't have to much sex because it takes the noon from your face.

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    Dear Brother,

    I do not agree with the advice that you should marry again. What is the point of accumulating multiple dysfunctional marriages...isn't one enough? I am pretty sure that polygamy wasn't meant to be a bandaid.

    Anyways, you know to candidly speak to your wife or write down how you feel as suggested already. She needs to know that that just because you love her, it doesn't mean that she can take advantage of that.

    Certainly you can remind her of her responsibilities and your rights in marriage, but she probably already knows, you may want to get to the bottom of why she is doing what she is and that the current situation is not your expectation of a marriage at all. Start off with this conversation and if you feel you get no where, then perhaps escalate it to seeking marital counselling. You need to solve this problem, not learn to live with this--people stop being intimate for different reasons and it doesn't necessarily have to do with cheating or punishing the spouse, there can be other reasons so before you come to a conclusion, you need to find out from your wife first and foremost.

    I pray that Allah swt ease your problems, Ameen.

  6. in my opinion your wife is suffering from depression/anxiety and may benefit from psychotherapy.


    Hello, if a women actually believes being intimate with her husband isn't worth a Ghusl, it is indicative of her not being interested/being bored of her husband in the first place.....

    you need to find ways of wooing your wife and igniting the passion between you two, since once upon a time you had it, if you want your wife to stop looking at your sex life like it is a chore, compliment her, buy her some gifts, cook her a lovely meal, spend time on her, make her feel like someone she wants to be intimate with, not some sex pest, what do you think you will achieve by telling her you need sex, like you said she may change for 2 days and then shes back to feeling sex is a chore, in every marriage you can't expect passion and excitement in sex when you don't put in an effort, threatening her with a second wife, or demanding 'your rights' isn't going to make her feel like jumping on you is it?

    Don't know why some people don't use they brains sometimes.... and i don't mean you bro, i mean the people on this site advising you to get her mum and dad to tell her off, or threaten her with another or take her to the doctor........ if i don't laugh i;lll cry seriously ...

  8. Dear brother 786,

    I don't know much but I think you should talk to your respected wife again. Also you could change the atmosphere of your home. Like don't use or have any gadgets (mobile phones, ipads, laptops, TV etc) in bedroom. Keep bedroom for conversation and each time you will get to know each other more than last time. I think no matter how long you live with a person you will never get to know them and nor will they get to know you. There is always something or more you will learn about each other after talking or having conversations, and this should keep your relationship going both physically and emotionally in harmonious way.

    Also try to go away for long weekend somewhere. Just you and her. Away from routine and away from regulars.

    Maybe she gets tired of doing housework. Give her additional help to what you are already giving her.

    And of course amongst all this you should express your physical needs. Tell her that your physical needs will be satisfied when she is emotionally connected with you during intimacy. But tell her in way that she doesn't feel you are hard to please or she can't meet your expectations. Basically don't criticise her effort but remind her how amazing she was or is when she connects with you in certain or particular way.

    Ask her where you are going wrong. Tell her how much you mean to her.

    And if having gusl is too much of a bother for her then maybe every fortnight you could get intimate. Plus I think for girls it can be a little tricky because girls tend to have much longer hair than boys so it does take so much time to comb, dry and make it tidy or style it. I dunno. Maybe she could try having upto shoulder length hair or even bob cut. (Just an idea that may make having shower less hassle after every intimacy...)

    If all fails (say after 8 months of trying) then i guess you should tell her that you would like to book appointment with marriage or relationship councilors. Apparently they can be helpful and have the ability to boost your relationship again. But if and when you do this try to find a Muslim marriage councilors because they will best understand your situation in line with Islam and won't lead you both to harmful act, in Shaa Allah.

    I pray that Allah swt bless you marriage type of love and care just the you would like to be loved and cared for, ameen.

    - Me

  9. You have mentioned she is 14 year older than you .Might be one reason for her lower sex drive if she is near 50 ?
    that is one drawback when you marry older women .Better you fast and control sex drive now .

    • Assalam alaikum Br. Illogical,

      There are many women who complain on here that their young husbands are not intimate with, we don't know if the wife has a lower sex drive. Intimacy is different for different people and different even moreso for men and women. let's not just go and conclude that about women. Just sayin.

  10. Have u ever considered the fact that she's 14 years older than u to be part of the problem? Libidi can be an issue..not feeling sexually attractive another. Some men seem to forget that we go through body changes and appearance is everything when it comes to intimacy. What r u doing to let her know that you live her and regard her as a beautiful and wanted woman? Your rights?? That's demeaning to say the least!! You sound as if u think you own her and her body.. You do NOT. Perhaps if u showed that u respected her body as opposed to sounding like u own it she would be more than willing to say that its Yours and all for the taking. Some of u guys kill me...and this threat of a second wife?? I say have at it if your stupid enough to do so. Its a temporary fix to a long term solution that will only put u back at where u were in the first place with more problems that many of u can't or are yet ready to handle. Be careful what you ask for..the grass IS NOT greener on the other side..its mostly filled with weeds...pricklys and manure. Stop sounding like a spoiled lil child and be the man and talk with HER about what's going on with her...and talk about intimacy counseling if its needed

  11. All the posts seem to suggest that the man put in the effort or the man is being a sex pest but not much is being said of the wife who is denying him sex. If the man cheated then he would be an animal but in reality he is almost being forced to cheat as he is not getting the intimacy he desires from his wife.

  12. Asslamualaykum.

    My response to this is:
    What of if I suggest that maybe the wife didn't have much interest in the husband as it was, cant you consider that even this will be the contributing factor?

    Or if it is due to old age as said by someone. Maybe he should look for a younger lady and marry.

  13. Well in my case she tells me that i should fast and control myself. I have tried to teach her that being Man its v different situation. I even asked her if she wants to leave. But i feel its her laziness. When she wants to commit she makes me happy and do whatever i ask. But mostly whenever i ask she says no and asks me to fast or say thngs that embarrace me its like i am asking her to commit sin or sex is haram after marriage. I want to leave but i love my children dearly and for them i m willing to commit zina as she does not allow me second marriage as this sounds easy in our culturs. I belive in Allah amd i have asked for his help.

  14. Women generally dating younger men is a trend now days, older women in the west are proud to call themselves cougars, and boast about their bedroom life openly, we all know of this new trend and it's on the TV and internet, so it kind of bugs me as to why halal relationships are suffering in that department?? I don't engage in that cougar nonsense nor entertain it, the world that we live in is just full of SIN/XXX. Think about it brothers and sisters.

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