Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I was naive and fell in love online with a bad guy

Facebook, social network

Dangers of social networks.

Salaam,

I'm quite upset and confused, I'm just going to let my thoughts flow on to this page.

I was so naive and I was not aware of how relationships work in our day and age. My concept of relationships was funnily enough quite similar to a fairy tale where the perfect guy of her dreams meets the perfect girl of his dreams. And I somehow thought a good person always meets a good person.

I have always been kept in safe and protected shell by my family. I was always cheeky from a very young age and I never took much seriously in life as I always had my family members to do that for me. Since school days I had never gotten in to any relationship or I hadn't communicated with guys as such. It was thought to be bad. Automatically somehow I was always careful:  careful whilst walking home from school, careful whilst lunch breaks, careful all the time making sure I'm not just as much as seen with a guy. Even walking next to a stranger as someone might think or say something bad that would hurt my parents feelings. I thought so highly of them and I did not want to upset them in any way. I was always scared.

I stumbled upon many forums and social network places, where I'd browse or log in to in my spare time. I used a different name and age as I didn't want to get personal with anyone. I would take part in Islamic discussions and general "lady talk" with the girls and log out.

Like any other usual day there was an Islamic discussion taking place when I logged in. Although not by someone familiar - I had not seen that person around before. This unfamiliar person soon became familiar and I started getting along with him quite well. Days passed, Months passed and almost a year had passed. And I was getting attached, those discussions had more of a meaning to them. It was as if I wasn't going for the discussions anymore. I had started to like his company, I liked his personality.

He expressed his feelings for me and had told me that he was considering me for marriage purposes. So he wanted to take things further and meet in reality. But i was scared and I was in denial I didn't want to accept that I had grown feelings for him. I kept on trying to push him away, to stop taking part in those discussions. I tried every possible way to erase those feelings but nothing seemed to work.

Taking my time trying to understand everything, I was introduced to a new side of him. This new side included getting to know he's verbally abusive and that he's a player. And that had given me reasons not to take things further with him besides my fear. But things didn't end there, I still cared for him and I couldn't kill the care. Soon, everything started to remind me of him. I started to miss him. I understood he was not the right person but I couldn't stop caring. I couldn't eat properly, sleep, concentrate. I had no interest in anything.

After realising that he had become a big part of my life I tried to defeat anything that was being a barrier. I wanted to tell him of my true identity and take things further. I told him everything, but I felt he had changed. It didn't feel as though I was talking to the same person. He was harsh and blunt, he didn't seem to care. And I had withdrew myself there.

everything was perfect in my life until he came along and a part of me hates him. and I think he's a selfish bastard who doesn't give a s*** about anyone apart from himself.

- Sana1233


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4 Responses »

  1. Sister in Islam Sana,

    I can truly understand and feel the emotional pain of being dejected and left alone, exactly what you are going thru and sincerely, I can advise you is to offer ur prayers on time, submit yourself to Almighty Allah and do istikhara for what your heart says is right, for what your heart demands, even for your feelings towards that guy to bring him back in your life with transformation into Good guy. Just let flow ur inner voice in front of Him.

    Most probably you wont feel anything interesting or excite the curiosity during this course of time, but still u have to force yourself to prostrate in reverence to Allah SWT.

    Indeed, Allah SWT is the best judge and ever forgiving and definitely your heart will receive the decision of Allah, you ask anything you want and He will give you the right thing you need. it would be a feeling not written in words.

    It helped me and gave me an immense peace of mind,heart and soul within few days. I am sure you will find ur way out with the help of Allah SWT and your determination to over come this pain.

    May Allah bless u!!!

  2. ASSALAMALAIKUM

    LOVE BEFORE NIKAH IS NOT LOVE IT IS INFATUATION CLEAR CUT EMOTIONS OF EVIL-THOUGHT-
    Correspondence between the sexes is not permissible, because that provokes temptation and usually results in evil. If a man corresponds with a non-mahram woman in letters that are not seen by anyone else, that leads to many evils.
    As for the love that stems from repeated looking, haraam mixing or correspondence, the one who does that is sinning to the extent that he does haraam things in his relationship and love.
    Islam forbids a woman to be alone with a man who is not her mahram because of the fitnah (temptation) and bad things that result from that, such as attachment and the desire to look and touch, etc.

    All of this results from the man talking to the woman in these private letters or conversations, especially if they are young and at an age when desire is strong.

    Shaykh Ibn Jibreen (may Allaah preserve him) was asked: What is the ruling on correspondence between young men and young women, if this correspondence is free from immorality, love and desire?

    He replied: It is not permissible for any person to correspond with a woman who is not his mahram, because of the temptation involved in that. The person may think that there is no temptation, but the shaytaan will keep trying until he tempts him through her, and tempts her through him.

    Moreover, these illicit relationships that take place before marriage will be a cause to make each party doubtful about the other.

    The husband will think that his wife may possibly have a similar relationship with someone else, and even if he thinks it unlikely, he will still be troubled by the fact that his wife did do something wrong with him.

    And the same thoughts may occur to the wife too, and she will think that her husband could possibly have an affair with another woman, and even if she thinks it unlikely, she will still be troubled by the fact that her husband did something wrong with her.

    So each partner will live in a state of doubt and suspicion, which will ruin their relationship sooner or later.

    The husband may condemn his wife for having agreed to have a relationship with him before marriage, which will be upsetting for her, and this will cause their relationship to deteriorate.

    Hence we think that if a marriage is based upon an illicit premarital relationship, it will most likely be unstable and will not be successful.

  3. Well sister,

    I have gone throught your mail and i can say that exactly the same thing happend with me. Both my parents are from India thought i live in a European country and so when i met that guy whose parents are also from same part of India where my parents are we start communicating because of this common link thought he lives in a different country.

    I know him for practically one year now, at first we were just communicating on the social network site, but i don't knw how he managed to convince me to give him my phone number and gradually we started exchanging massage and as time pass i realised that i became sort of attached and addicted to him.

    At the start he was a very nice guy and acted very nicely but as time pass and we became familiar with each other, i started seeing his true colour, he became someone very abusive and blunt and harsh with me. Moreover he started acting as if i was his acquired possession and he started abusing me because he don't like me working or having friends and things like that. At time i feel suffocated and that my life would be hell if i end up marrying him, because he is someone very very possesive, jealous and of a very suspicious nature, though i have never done anything wrong or i dont have the habit of going out. For example if ever i dont answer his call due to the fact that i am in a meeting at work or busy or didnt see his message, he will go on insulting me and use abusive language, moreover now he start taking me for granted, that is if he call me i should be at his beck and call but if he is busy or can't answer my call i dont have the right to say anything.

    I do get other very good proposal for marriage and my best friend and even myself i know that this guy is may be wrong for me, my life would be a hell with him because right now he is someone abusive thought he is not yet my husband and we live far apart. At time i decide to break with him and to forget him, but am unable to do that, some time i take the resolution not to call him any more, then afterwards i end up calling him or he would call me and i wil just answer his call and then everything just return to square one.

    am so at lost and cried to Allah, is that guy good for me or not, i really don't knw, i do cry and ask Allah to give me the strenght to take the right decision and force to leave him, but i cant seem to have that strenght. i Always end up patching with him no matter what type of fight or how muh he abuses me verbally. i am really at lost and i ask myself why i am not like other people, why Allah didnt send a good and caring guy in my life who would have married and cherish me like a muslim husband would do. Why this happen for practicallly every girl i know, but why my situation is differend, i have been praying sincere to Allah for a good husband for so long, but iit seems Allah hasnot listen to my prayers.

    May be i am a big sinner and so this is my punishment

    • Salaam sister.

      You need to log in and submit your comment as a seperate post so we can offer you more extensive advice. My short answer to you is 'run.' Not literally but just the sooner you get away from him the better - otherwise he will eventually drag you into marriage. Your comment sounds very closed - that it's a punishment and there is nothing you can do about it. It's not a punishment! You have the choice whether to stay or go - you are strong enough but you only keep telling yourself you are not, making yourself weak. Make tawbah and walk away from this man and do not resume contact.

      Sara
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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