Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Need advice about my engagement


Salam o alaykum, im 21 I'm having second thoughts on my engagement not that I don't want to get married, I really want to get married and have kids. But I've been engaged for 4 months now and at first it was arranged and I never thought I'd be seeing myself picking an arranged, thought maybe I'd meet her myself from my choice.

I've had a heart break from the past so I thought you know maybe I should give arranged a shot. After my mom told me about this girl I said I'll give it a shot but I was most likely going to say no when I went to her family's house, I thought she was beautiful and maybe I should give it a try but I'll just let it be see if Allah wants it to happen. She was very shy but the engagement happened it was a nice engagement but I was afraid what if she's not the one. After a while she got comfortable and started talking to me more but I feel like she keeps things away from me by not telling me. When she calls or texts she's dry and I don't like that especially since it's 4 months now she talks sometimes.

She's a nice girl and pretty, she knows how to cook but some things I didn't like, I can sense that she lies to me about some things and I even caught her lying to me before, another thing is if I tell her to do something like don't wear something I didn't like because it's tight she would look at me like no I want to wear it, and something like that I was thinking what if in the future it can get worse and she thinks she can do what she wants and not respect what I want as my wife to be because I like when a girl dresses long.

I say things to test what and how she responds back to me. And recently she told me about her last engagement how it didn't work out but not the full story. Another thing she told me was someone put black magic on her from her last engagement and that's something important. So she was telling me she has bad dreams and she doesn't feel good, and we fight over little problems, always gets tired and things like that I didn't believe it at first but she wanted to go overseas because her family knows a guy who deals with things like that. So she's overseas now and she said she went to the guy and how he read Quran and she drank something and after that she threw something up which was black and ugly from the black magic that was put on her from before. Now she said she feels better and that the guy took whatever it was out of her and she said she felt it.

But Should I still keep this engagement going? I don't want to upset my mom but at the same time I don't want to waste my time. I feel like I love her more when she's with me but over the phone I don't like how it's different. She doesn't tell me much about her life and it doesn't catch my interest talking to her. I feel like I can't even talk to her about how I feel or how I had a bad day because she keeps her response short which I don't like because I want someone to lift me up to support me more.

One more thing is that she doesn't pray and honestly I'm On and off with praying, and I always wanted a girl that knows her religion and to help me grow my deen. But both of us like this were gonna have to work together I know but I feel like she's weak I want someone who can be with me to learn.


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3 Responses »

  1. How come you decided to get engaged in the first place before getting to know her better. If you feel she is not sharing things about herself too much and you sensed some lying. I would be worried. Why don't you both lists important questions that you would like ask and get a a idea on before proceeding marriage. One last thing, I would pray istikhara a lot. Think with your head, you said you love her and then you are having second thoughts. Don't worry so much about upsetting parents. You have to deal with this for the rest of your life. Good Luck.

  2. From having read your post, I think you aren't in a position to get married right now, for many reasons:

    1) It sounds like the girl just isn't right for you. You are not compatible. You don't marry someone just because they look pretty and can cook you dinner. A husband and wife are supposed to create a life and a family together, and for that, you need to be with someone that's more than just "pretty" and "a good cook". You need a spouse that's loyal, has the same aspirations as you, are honest with you, open, caring...someone you have fun with and have things in common with. This girl doesn't sound like she possesses any of those qualities in your eyes. my opinion, you should break of the engagement.

    2) You have a lot of maturing to do. If you think marriage is about you telling your wife what you want, and her answering to your every demand, then you are sadly very deluded and not at all ready to be anyone's husband. Women are not your property or dog that you can just bark demands at, you know. Women are human beings with a will of their own. If you want a woman that dresses a certain way, then choose a woman that already dresses in a way you like. Don't go finding yourself a girl that's everything you don't want, and then expect to be able to mould her into whatever you want her to be. That's not how marriage works, buddy.

    3) You need to get a grip on your controlling behaviour, because controlling habits have no place in a healthy marriage. My husband has never ever told me what to do, but I know what he likes and what he doesn't like...out of love for him, and out out my free will, I do everything I can to make him happy. That's the thing, your wife should want to make you happy on her own initiative, not because you demand of her to make you happy. You don't win someone's love and affection by controlling them, and you certainly don't establish a happy marriage with control and oppression. Until you realize that, you have no business ruining someone's life with marriage.

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