Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Need advice on giving up child for adoption

I feel like having a child with her will ruin my whole entire life

Assalam-o-Alikum,

I would start this post by asking Allah to forgive me for all my sins and I do really regret what I did & it was my entire fault. I never imagined in my life that I'll be writing something like this ever, but I guess some things you can’t take it back. I request everyone to please read this as I really need your help and advice. I can’t talk to anyone about this and hope may Allah make this website as a way of right guidance for me.

I am Muslim, 21, studying in Australia. I knew a Jewish girl, 19, for last three years and I committed “zinna” with her and I don’t know why I did that. May Allah forgive me for all my sins; I just don’t feel right at all. I left her because I felt sorry for what I did and break up with her 4 months ago. Yesterday, she told me that she is nearly 5 months pregnant of my baby. I am too scared right now and have no idea what to do. She showed me all the doctors’ report and tests. She told me that she is seeing someone else for last couple of weeks but she now find it out that this is my baby which is it for sure.

Still, I asked her to do paternity tests, so I can be sure and I hope Allah will help me with this though I am such a non-obeying Muslim. I haven’t talked to her about future because I don’t know what to talk about. It’s been 24hours & I am still can’t think of anything else. I have been looking for guidance and not sure what I should do next. If this baby is mine, what am I suppose to do? I am too young to even think about starting a family or raising a kid when I cannot feed myself properly. I am not mature enough to even take these kind of decisions. I have been planning to go to Uni by next year and study for next 4-5 years.

If this thing is for real, I think my life is all finish now. I don’t know what my options are. As I talked to this girl, she is in the same situation as me. For both of us, it is something “Unwanted Pregnancy”. She has no idea what to do either though her family know all about this. Maybe for her family it’s something acceptable in their culture but as mine and my religion, I cannot even imagine this thing happening for real and pray May Allah never put anyone in my situation. Now, if I talk to her, I know I can convince her for taking any decision as she is too young to raise a kid as am I. She is independent and her family don’t support her much. The truth is they don’t care about anything. Now the options, I can think of are:

i) Asking the girl to accept ISLAM and marry me, but the truth is I don’t want to marry her. I know I won’t be happy with her but I don’t know how things will even work out. She is not looking forward to marry me either. We both want to study further.

ii) Fostering/Adoption: I read Islamic law about adoption in Islam and with my limited knowledge, all I know if I convince her to let the child to be adopted; she might accept that because she feels the same way as I do. I don’t want this baby to be adopted by any Non-Muslims family. If this is possible than what sort of relation and responsibilities I will be having with the baby. My heart just squeezed of knowing the fact that If Allah Almighty ever going to bless me with a child, what I’ll be thinking about this baby?  At this age, I don’t have any feeling at all for the baby, but I don’t know if I ever will be able to live with this. But for now, all I know I won’t be able to have a baby now and I wanted to give it to someone who knows the importance of this angel. For me I feel like that I am throwing it away but I can’t do anything else either. I HATE myself and just want to take things back. But now All I can do is ask forgiveness from Allah.

Discussing it with my family is something I am so scared of that I don’t feel a right time to do it. I know my parents, they will be shattered and I am scared that this shock can give them more health problems as they both are heart patients. I don’t have any brother and feel ashamed to talk it with my sisters. I hope that brothers & sisters here will give me a good advice and guide me as a young brother who is really ashamed of what he did. I didn’t know what I wrote above because I don’t know what to say. May Allah show us all right path, Ameen.

i) Asking the girl to accept ISLAM and marry me, but the truth is I don’t want to marry her. I know I won’t be happy with her but I don’t know how thing even works out. She is not looking forward to marry me either. We both want to study further.

ii) Fostering/Adoption: I read Islamic law about adoption in Islam and with my limited knowledge, all I know if I convince her to let the child to be adopted; she might accept that because she feels the same way as I do. I don’t want this baby to be adopted by any Non-Muslims family. If this is possible than what sort of relation and responsibilities I will be having with the baby. My heart just squeezed of knowing the fact that If Allah Almighty ever gonna bless me a child, what I’ll be thinking about this baby. At this age, I don’t have any feeling at all for the baby, but I don’t know if I ever will be able to live with this. But for now, all I know I won’t be able to have a baby now and I wanted to give it to someone who knows importance of this angel. For me I feel like that I am throwing it away but I can’t do anything else either. I HATE myself and just want to take things back. But now All I can do is ask forgiveness from Allah.

About discussing it my family is something I am so scared that I don’t feel it a right time. I know my parents, they will be shattered and I am scared that this shock can give them more health problems as they both are heart patients. I don’t have any brother and feel ashamed to talk it with my sisters. I hope that brothers & sisters here will give me a good advice and guide me as a young brother who is really ashamed of what he did. I didn’t know what I wrote above because I don’t know what to say. May Allah show us all right path, Ameen.

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22 Responses »

  1. Salaam My Brother,

    I am sorry for the anxiety that you are facing. I shall not here go into the many warnings and sins that you have ignored to get to this point, as you seem to be very aware of those things.

    You have to face your fears and accept responsiblity for what has happened. At the moment, you fears are spiralling out of control and you are making all sorts of apocalyptic conclusions regarding this pregnancy - you are concluding that you will not be able to study, that your parents will have heart problems, that you must get married...all of these things is you freaking out - so step one is to take some deep deep breaths and calm down, this is a managable situation and the management of it is not as bad as it appears to you right now. Responsiblity is a scary thing - but these things happen and we have to deal with them. You are completely useless in a state of overwhelming fear and stress. You must get back into the driving seat of your life, calm down and think like a grown up person who is going to handle these problems. Life sends us many problems and the key to managing problems is to not freak out, jump to conclusions and try and make it go away.

    You cannot make this go away through adoption or anything like that, I am afraid what the mother wishes to do with the child is very much in her hands. You must accept that this child is here to stay and that you have a duty towards him / her.

    I know you are fearful of your parent's reaction and disappointment - however your parents have lived a lifetime and no matter how much you think otherwise...they ARE aware that these things happen and they have seen this happen to other people and had a thought process regarding it, and they know that this is a risk that could have one day happened to them and you. They will be more helpful to you then you think at the moment, and yes, there will be disappointment, tears and anger - but at the end of all of that they will seek to guide you and protect you - so I would advise that you pick a time and a day and tell your parents that there is a girl expecting your child and manage the consequences.

    Regarding marriage: there is no sense in marrying someone that you do not want to be with and who doesnt want to be with you, I would advise that you speak with this girl and make a plan of action regarding how you will each deal with this new responsiblity and what your respective roles will be. The only way you will alleviate the fear in you, is to face it and take an active role in managing what is happening.

    You can still live your life, study, get a job and all of the other plans that you have - and keep your responsiblities as well. Its time to face up to the consequences of your actions and act in good faith and justice and do the right thing.

    This child can be a source of great joy or great heartache - the decision lies with you and how you manage what has happened. Everything that is happening to you right now and the fear that you are feeling, comes from inside of you: your mentality, your thought process and your avoidance.

    As soon as you begin to get actively involved in planning for the future, facing your parents, and making a strategy, you will feel the fear alleviate and you are left with nothing but a decision making process about how you will manage your life with your responsiblities in a way that benefits you and your child.

    Peace,

    L

  2. brother

    This is your baby how u guys can adopt it. Its a gift of god remove every thing from heart for that girl convert her and marry her with the same feeling when u did this sin.

    grow up and accept that girl and child its your baby men. And for your future nothing will be a problem if u think this is a problem then only you will feel that this is a problem. Dont adopt baby let him/her live with their parents

    My p

  3. Bismillah hier rahman hir raheem
    Asalam alakum brother.

    I accepted islam 2 years ago alhumduallah.Alhumduallah you are muslim. As human beings we sin. What you have done is very bad and should of known better rbut allah subhannahta allah is bismillah her rahman hir raheem and you should ask for forgivness and repent dearly for our sins you have commited. In this time you should strive to be closer to allah and seek his forgivness. As for the baby It is your resposibility now. If it is not in the womens will to accept islam that it is your duty to educate the child in islam and to fear allah. This dunya(this life) is very short and then we will all be gathered before allah and judged and every deed no matter how bad good big or small will not be hid from allah. Shaytan has already wispered to you and you have listened and shaytan will wipe his hands from you on the day of judgment and you will be held acountable for your actions. That being said shaytan will wisper to you more trying to do more things so diplease allah. So strive to allah read quran. Also for men the biggist temptation on this dunya is women. So this being said islamically you are not allowed to be with this women or any other women alone or talking as she is NOT your wife. I would contact a imam or known knolegable muslim and consult with him. I am not telling you this will be easy as this life is a test and allah is merciful but also just and his punishment is severe. That being said the only sin that allah would not forgive is associating partners with him so keeping acting for forgivness seek ritous friends. This country is full of evils and sins commited openly as well as hidden so it affects our hearts. You need to pray to allah to forgive you and to give you strength for whatever will come up ahead. Before you decide on anything where to move on from here further do istakarah and consult with allah as allah is the only one who knows what is best for us. Do not fear any human being at this time your parents this women society just fear allah.
    May allah forgive us in our shortcoming. Giude us ummah aND GRANT US JANNAH
    Walakum asalam rumatulhi wa barakathu

  4. Bismillah

    Assalamu'alaikum,

    My husband and I are devout Muslims in the U.S. We are interested in open adoption. We do have a toddler of our own and plan to have more, insha'Allah, but I would rather we look into this than have the child raised in another religion.

    Hayyah

    • HI Hayyah

      I am looking for a Muslim family willing to adopt my unborn baby. I have done a big mistake and as much as it pains me to give my baby up, I know its for the best. Please contact me at ********* if you are interested. I need a loving religious family for my baby to grow up in hoping he/she wont repeat the same mistakes that I did.

      Sincerely
      F

      • Sister Hayyah,

        This is not an adoption agency. If you wish to put your unborn child up for adoption please use the legal/secure methods.

        Apart from that I will say, if you made a mistake and are having a baby out of wedlock, the next big mistake could be to give up that child. A child is a beautiful blessing. I am sure things are very difficult for you, but if you can find someone to help you to keep your child, I think it would be better for you and your child.

        If you want further help, please log in and submit your question as a separate post, giving us more details of your circumstances. Due to the nature of your situation, we will publish it straightaway.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • The post has been published now.

      • Assalamu'alaikum F,

        Masha'Allah, thank you for reaching out to your community for help. I pray that those near you will respond with compassion. Unfortunately I cannot contact you directly since your email information didn't post. The Editor is right that if there is any way for the baby to remain with or near you or your family members, that would in most cases be best, insha'Allah. However, I have personally known young girls who became pregnant who did not have this option, or came from very dysfunctional families, so they chose adoption. This might be your case. If so, I commend you for searching for a practicing Muslim family who will insha'Allah help raise the child as you would like him/her to be raised. You have a right as a mother to determine for yourself who will adopt your child, if that will indeed be best for you. And you do not have to go through an agency if you don't want to. If/when you find someone, whether that be us or another family, you can have a private adoption via a lawyer, just between you and the family you choose, determining your own guidelines on how the adoption (or guardianship) will progress.

        No matter what happens, do not let anyone make you feel bad or ashamed for doing what you think is best for your child and your family. It's already clear that some people here want to push you one way or another. This is a time to clarify your thinking, consult those who love you most, and pray for Allah to guide you and give you ease. Have you prayed Istikhara, and the prayer of repentence? In case you haven't before, the latter is: Allahumma In-nee a-toobu ilayka minha la ar-ji-u ilayhaa abada.
        Translation: O Allah, I repent before You for all my sins and I promise never to return to the same (again).
        You can learn more about istikhara here: http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?ID=1056

        Have you spoken with your family yet? Do you have someone who's close and understanding to help you through your pregnancy, insha'Allah?

        I wrote that we would be interested in open adoption because that would definitely be better than a Muslim child being raised under closed adoption, with a family who doesn't connect him/her with his/her heritage and religion. Beyond that, what's most important is finding a situation that will be best for everyone, particularly your baby. Insha'Allah you are looking into many different families and possibilities to find the best fit.

        We have moved to Jordan to study Arabic, but we have kept our house in the States in case we want to return once we finish our program, insha'Allah. Our son is now two, and we hope to have more of our own children, in addition to remaining open to becoming a loving family for any children in need of adoption, if this is Allah's Will. If you let me know exactly what you're looking for, and what your situation is, we can discuss what might be best for you and the baby. If fate chooses us to help raise your child, then alhumdulillah. If not, I can help you find some others who might be more suitable, as I know of many couples who have been unable to conceive and would love to have a child.

        May Allah swt be with you and guide you toward the best path!

        Stay strong,

        hayyah

      • hi my brother and his wife wants to adopt a child from pk if r in pk and if u wanted to give this baby reply me!

  5. Assalamu Alaikum,

    I pray that you find a suitable muslim couple and give your baby for adoption Ameen.But, if for any reason you cannot find a muslim couple or the ones you have found you feel are not suitable then you might have another option.Now, I am not sure how you will take this but I thought I share this information with you anyway and the rest is up to you and the mother of your child.

    There is an Edhi Foundation in USA, United Kingdom, Canada, Japan, Australia, Bangladesh and Pakistan.Edhi foundation is the most trusted name in Pakistan when it comes to relief work within distressed areas in Pakistan and the rest of the world.

    Bilquis Edhi..head of Bilquis Edhi Foundation and a wife of Abdul Sattar Edhi, is a humanitarian, a social worker and one of the most active philanthropists in Pakistan.With regard to child adoption, she makes sure the criteria are fulfilled to approve / disapprove of couples who want to adopt a child. Couples who want to adopt a child are interviewed by Bilquis Edhi. Her foundation doesn’t give children to couples who keep changing their house – keep moving from one place to another. Kids who are physically or mentally disabled are cared for by Edhi Foundation. They have a separate section for them where they clean them, feed them, play with them etc. The kids remain with them for the rest of their lives. Aside from the disabled children, the other children who don’t get adopted do not pose any problem, whatsoever. Edhi Foundation has over 4,000 applications in hand. They don’t have enough kids to give to people. So they are careful in selecting prospective parents. They have a ‘shariat-nama’ in place which they make the parents sign where it is explicitly mentioned that in case of separation between the parents, the Centre will reclaim the child or let the child stay with the mother.

    You can obtain further information from this site http://www.edhifoundation.com/edhi-foundation-biography.asp

    Ps.Also, you can get in touch with them and ask any further questions that you may have regarding adoption.

  6. I saw your post and wanted to offer my reply.
    I am not Muslim but a Christian. I'm sorry for the hardships this blessing seems to bringing to you. You are right to think this child an angel and you have accepted your sins. Your Allah is my God. Like the Quran says Allah is most forgiving. I think you've accepted your sins and will work to better behave in ways that honor your beliefs. With that said do not marry someone out of what feels like obligation. It will make you both unhappy and your child will grow up feeling years of the unhappiness. You and the girl need to discuss if either wants and can feasibly care for the baby. If not then what type of adoption plans you both want for hour child. There are many criteria you can put on prospective parents and you can require thier faith to be Muslim. You can even seek an open adoption with set visits per year or pictures every so often. Lastly if in Pakistan your child will not be adopted in the sense of adoption but rather fostered with guardianship given to care. This guardianship does allow for child to immigrate and then that country's courts can proceed with the legal adoption as would be required in USA for school and medical. If you arrange adoption in hauge treaty country then you can request provisions regarding visitation and updates. While this seems overwhelming to you, it can be a blessing to a childless couple with all the needs for your child. Don't feel punished by the child as he/she is a miracle of Allah and is a blessing no matter how he/she came to be. If you aren't ready for that blessing then pass it along and bless someone else. May God give you all you need to get through this and may you finish your studies and prosper soon. I know from your sincere regret that he has forgiven you.
    God bless
    mimi

  7. i have no children for 13 years i wish inshallah someone would fill my heart with such joy
    i am very religious person in uk please contact me .

  8. Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah

    I am a devout Muslim lady in the U.S and I am interested in open adoption. I have two grown sons alhamdueilah, I would raise the child as a muslim and provide for the child very well inshaaAllah.

    Wa Alaikum Assalamu Wa Rahmatullah

    Sarah

  9. Salam alaikum,

    My husband and I are childless and we cannot have a child though we tried every medical way possible. If you are interested in letting us adopt your baby, we would be more than happy to talk to you. We are in the US, and my husband is a convert to Islam.

    Johanna

    • Johanna, I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but this is the second time you've posted a comment offering to take someone's baby, and that is not appropriate. The mother has already been advised to keep the baby, and that is best. If she cannot, the baby should stay in the family to be raised by relatives.

      This is an advice website, not an adoption agency.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. Some people are so selfish that instead of advisng what they know to be the right thing for someone try to give advise to benefit themselves. That child should be with his muslim relatives i the father/mother doesn't want it. That way atleast the child will know its root and heritage. Shame on you all.

  11. we r a childless couple.very much interested in adopting a child .we live in pakistan. can any body help us in this matter?

  12. I know Allah is right in everything ..I know that he wouldn’t put on your shoulders something you unable to care.. I am grieving after losing my one day old child and condemn every single human being for their thoughts towards their own child as a mistake or a problem..

  13. Hi
    I'm sorry for this situation it sounds bad on you but
    In Islam we believe no matter what we ask ALLAH for meaning help withing anything or any part of our lives ALLAH will give us the right help

    This is a test from ALLAH its obvious
    Don't panic no good comes from panicking
    Just pray make Dua
    Talk to ALLAH
    If you feel this guilty as expressed in your text
    Then surly you need to go to the one you are begging for forgiveness

    You sinned you chose to sin
    Now accept the consequence
    Very important you think
    First go to ALLAH
    Then pray follow Islam
    Lastly. Be patient
    ALLAH won't let a child suffer

    In this life Islam is coved in crap
    True Islam is to believe ALLAH is boss of this world every drop of rain created by ALLAH saying be
    Believe ALLAH will help be calm
    Remember who is in charge
    Ask ALLAH
    ALLAH will help ALLAH loves you like 10.000 mothers
    ALLAH is waiting for u to talk to ALLAH
    Inshallha
    May ALLAH listen to you and the lady involved in this sin
    And give you the most kindness ALLAH can
    Inshallha may ALLAH answer all your Dua made for you your child your lady friend to live happily together in wealth and good health
    Ameen

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