Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Need Advice regarding Marriage


Assalamulaikum Brothers/Sisters

This post is going to be long so kindly bear with me.

Right after I graduated with engineering degree my parents started looking for suitable spouse for me. A lot of rishtas came, Alhamdullilah, however no one seemed right and my parents continued looking for better rishtas. I started job with a high salary but due to this job my interaction with people of opposite gender increased tremendously and I came into contact with a guy with whom I developed love with the passage of time. The guy is an engineer and hafiz e Quran and I liked so many things about him including his character. He prays salah, observes fast, leads taraweeh, offer jummah prayers and listen to Friday khutba. He is sensible, mature, modest, humble and a responsible young man and we have physical attraction as well as emotional and spiritual connection and great understanding which is needed in a marriage. Our morals, principles and values matched from the start which was the first thing that attracted me towards him and we both started talking about marriage shortly after we met. However, like me, he had recently graduated from university and was looking for a job before he could approach my family. He got a job in a good company Alhamdullilah and I broached the subject with my mother and siblings first then I requested my father to meet him. By this time more than a year has passed since we met and we became really attached with eachother. My father met him and found him to be a good and sensible guy then both our families met and discussed our union. The guys’ parents are really happy with us and he has even disclosed about his choice to his entire extended family and have rejected rishtas as well stating he will marry no other.  However my parents are unhappy with my choice and this situation has really emotionally drained me. They say that his socioeconomic status is lower than us and he wont be able to support me and my children after marriage. He has a job but his pay is really less as he is building a career and has just started. Moreover I have also resigned from my Job for the sake of Allah as it was giving me no peace of mind and my interaction with opposite gender on such a massive scale was destroying me spiritually and emotionally. Therefore we have no means to finance our marriage right now. Furthermore his father, like my father, has done a second marriage and is shirking from taking responsibility of his family. Hence the financial responsibility of his mother and marrying off his siblings has fallen on the guy and this whole financial situation has really scared my parents from agreeing to the marriage. The guys family is not as educated as our family so this is another point my parents can’t accept as they say that in our culture a girl marries the family, not only the guy, so his less educated family will create problem for me in future.

I know that all objections they present are reasonable and I have considered them rationally. However after considering many rishtas for more than a year I have found that no one is perfect and I would have to compromise if the guy is meeting majority of my criterion for spouse. I have done istikhara asking Allah to make me forget him if he is not right for my deen, dunya and akhira and to unite us if he is better and have found myself to still be drawn towards him and a resolve in my heart to marry him. We love eachother and in this zamana sincere people are really difficult to find. I don’t want to give up my love for such superficial reasons as family less educated and low socioeconomic status. Furthermore I have tried to forget him as well for the sake of my parents but its such a torture and so far I am unable to do it. I thought the right solution for us was to wait, do sabr and try to be financially independent. I am applying for a job and have also applied for a degree that can make me eligible for a teaching position. Both of us are willing to wait and have broken off contact with eachother on the insistence of my parents and for Allah’s sake.

The problem is that a rishta has come from within our extended family that my parents are finding really suitable for me and all of a sudden have started putting pressure on me to forget my guy. They even asked me to meet this new guy and I refused and reacted emotionally so my mother became so hurt and there was so much emotional strain in our household for the entire month. It’s really hard and I am crying and missing him all the time and am desperate for a halal relation of marriage with him. My parents have found a good rishta according to them and desire me to choose this guy whereas I am emotionally invested in the other one. I haven’t even told my guy of my parent’s intentions and this is something that’s eating me up from inside as well. I have told him the other reasons and he is doing all he can to find a better job than the current one and to persuade my parents after meeting all their demands. Already one company is willing to give him a job after his successful interview as soon as a position opens up. Please advise me on what should be my course of action. Should I forget my guy? I want marriage with this guy but how to convince my parents now when they say that a better rishta has come! I have been blessed with amazing parents but I am afraid that by thinking they are doing what’s best for me they might destroy my life. I know the decision to marry rests with me but I don’t want to break away from my family I love them dearly and cant imagine hurting them so this situation is really keeping me tense and awake all nights. Please advise me what is the right thing to do in this situation?

Engr. Fatima

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10 Responses »

  1. Aoa
    First of All do istkhara for marring ur guy an also for ur parents choice
    Then decide
    Secondly ur parents r v right
    The same mistake i did out of affaction with a guy
    I didnt marry with my moms choice
    They look for all ups n downs which we cannt imagine
    I m suffering from 12 years
    I rejected a lot of rishtas just cause of this guy
    I suffered A LOT
    n my children TOOOOO
    :' (
    i was the girl every cousin wanted to marry with Still now people ask me about the blunder i did even the relatives of my guy were astonished due to my foolish decision
    But who suffers at the end of the day ?
    Me n my children
    Yes its truey guy is v loving
    I cannot get anything

    He admits all these things
    N he also feel guilty of ruining my life
    He know about all that proposals came for me n i rejected :'(
    But that wasnt his fault

    • Sss: The same mistake i did out of affaction with a guy
      I didnt marry with my moms choice

      You never know if you had married some other guy, it could have turned out to be worse. Lot of girls are forced to marry their cousins and are very unhappy in their marriages.

    • Kindly let me know what made you suffer in the marriage? Is it the financial conditions( for which I am worried about) or lack of love and abuse after marriage?

  2. OP: He has a job but his pay is really less as he is building a career and has just started. Moreover I have also resigned from my Job for the sake of Allah as it was giving me no peace of mind and my interaction with opposite gender on such a massive scale was destroying me spiritually and emotionally. Therefore we have no means to finance our marriage right now.

    How long did you work in this job you resigned from? How interaction with opposite sex was destroying you spiritually or emotionally? You are not going to find a "perfect" man. Perfect men do not exist. Money seems to be a big issue. Both of you are educated and should work. What country do you live in?

    • I am from subcontinent and have worked for almost two years in that company. The job often required me to hold one-one meetings with some manager of other companies and in this country almost all of the managers are guys. It was okay the first year but by the passage of time a few people started treating me inappropriately (calling me for a useless meeting on pretense of discussing business and sending messages with inappropriate content. Sometimes my boss assigned me some tasks where I had to go and attend meetings in remote areas which my parents vehemently objected to. I was the only female in the company as well and this situation made my mother very uncomfortable. Additionally I had a misunderstanding with one of my senior colleague and the office politics following that destroyed the peace of my mind). I am now working on contract basis while simultaneously looking for a permanent Job so that we can run a household after marriage.

  3. WS. Sister, not being married but through having considered rishtas, all I can say is no decision is right or wrong. We do our best in terms of analysing a situation and then place our trust in Allah and decide.
    In your case, there is the matter of the heart and the matter of logic. Your parents definitely want the best for you.
    Are you from the sub continent? You say this guy has the best of manners and morals but is financially not strong. Has he ever given you the idea that he would like you to work to make ends meet? Does he expect you to support him and his family financially? Do you think you will be able to adjust to the lifestyle he can provide you? Will you be willing to forego the kind of ease you are used to at your parents' home to be with him? What about when you have a family? Their clothing, schooling... will you be able to compromise on their standards?
    Since you are emotionally attached to him, it is difficult to think logically. It is good that you are keeping a distance from him for now. And it is obvious from your post that your heart is set on him.
    As long as he does not consider you a ladder to financial betterment, you should go for him. If somewhere you feel that it might be so, then reconsider your decision. Also, do remember that if he is willing to do his part and somewhere down the line you have to compromise with lower financial status as well as uneducated family, you will try your best and not get impatient.
    Pray and pray as you are doing, things will definitely become clear. Do astaghfar and istikhara. Things will come around Inshallah!

    • My parents already clarified to him that the financial responsibility lies with him. I once discussed these issues with him. He wants me to share the financial responsibility with him as he is not making enough to support entire household. In return he is very willing to share my household responsibilities as well so that I will not be burdened more than I can bear. He said that he himself will support his mother and siblings and I will not have to contribute in their maintenance. Whatever money I will make will go to us and our future family only.
      I think that we are both educated but are struggling as we have just started career and cant seem to find anything stable in this harsh economy. If I can just bear the first few harsh years of financial struggle I have hope that later years will not be so harsh and we will earn enough to lead a good life insha'Allah.
      I dont believe money determines our moral values, principles and standards. My guy is from modest family but he is a good human, educated and religious and will try raise his children to uphold the same standards in life insha'Allah.

  4. Assalaamualykum. From experience, do I wish to inform you that I have been through 2 marriages. The first has my father not approved of, as my ex husband was uneducated and his family were more scaly to ours. The marriage never lasted. The second marriage, my family tried to meet me half way and the guy was a foreigner. Thereafter meeting him on more occassions, they felt something not to kosher about him. Nevertherless, we married silently, without my parents knowing and his family. The marriage hardly ever lasted. I'm convinced that when praying to Allah swt for a husband, ask for someone that will be pleased with you and your family and that he will be pleased with you and your family and vice versa, to his family as well. Most times are our parents more wiser than us, and at times, we may receive more blessings in our marriages with parents approvals. However, a slight disagreement, my grandmother and grandfather eloped and got married without the parents approval. And the marriage lasted 50 years. So cant actually say what is best.

  5. Assalamulalaikum

    I was in so much emotional turmoil when I posted this question and continued doing istikhara throughout this period. Now the situation has been reasonably resolved. The rishta my parents liked withdrew due to a very heartbreaking misshapen in their family which has shaken them and now they are marrying only in their own family. As for me, few and fewer rishtas are coming now. Maybe I have now reached the age when few mothers consider me eligible for their sons. Anyway I think Allah has guided me in this case and now I just have my guy to worry about.

  6. Sis fatema i have solution for both of you, u n ur true love. I liked your true story coz u ppl didn't cross boundaries set by ALLAH swt like engaging in a haram physical relationship.

    Do one thing sis visit there you will find a wazifa to make your parents agree to get marry with a guy u have desire n also your guy can pick a wazifa to get a good job with handsome pay.

    Sis but first do istekhara online..using like k kya apka aur us guy ka marriage krna apke haq me hoga ya nhi n den go for wafiza to agree your parents by visiting blessed sis.Ameen i m really happy that u found a haifz e quran for you n i wish for you to have a great family with him inshaALLAH N ALL your kids also become hafiz e Quran. Ameen.

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