Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Need advice regarding my Istikhara


I have been going out with a girl for over year now. However, when we planned to take talks to family level, different fights broke out between the both of us which left me totally confused whether I should marry her or not. Because my logics were saying NO while the emotions and feeling were saying YES. I finally decided to go for istikhara. As istikhara says choose the option which you think is best for you I decided to NOT go with marrying her because of our conflicting values and lifestyles which I believe will interfere in the future once the emotions fade and reality comes in. I mentioned all this to her before performing istikhara and told her I'm letting go of her and performing the istikhara only to know whether I'm taking the right decision to NOT marry her. I also prayed for forgiveness from Allah during my isha namaz for all the wrong doings of having a relationship with her which in Islam is wrong. After isha I performed the istikhara and went to sleep. From the moment after performing istikhara I feel relieved of all worries and stress which has kept me over occupied for the past few weeks. I have now a sense of feeling and constant reminder that Allah (swt) has my problems in his hands and will guide me in the right path. My mind has been relaxed.

Now coming to the answer, since performing the istikhara I still feel confident with the choice I have made. I think about her, keep wondering how she is and what she's doing but never since istikhara has the thought about marrying her come across my mind. The day after istikhara (and after telling her I'm letting go), she came to meet me and told me she wants to be with me no matter what and also held my hand while saying it. I easily let go of her hand (which I couldn't have imagined doing before istikhara) and told her I've performed istikhara and can't simply make a decision on my own now. The following 3 days she was quiet and I also was carrying on with life, thinking of her but not coming across the thought of marrying her as I used to before istikhara. Yet I believe I still don't have a solid answer to my istikhara and therefore performed istikhara for another 3 times seeking a more solid answer. Now she is calling me every day crying, saying she wants to be with me, telling me not to leave etc. I told her it's not right to talk anymore until I have a solid answer and if Allah (swt) signals me that my decision to NOT marry is wrong then he indeed will make my mind change but as till now I haven't seen any change of my thoughts. I believe her constant calls are confusing me further. Despite all her calls, crying and attempts to get back into communication with me and even while I write this I still can't think of marrying her despite having emotions for her whereas before istikhara such attempts from her always made me think about marrying her and taking such steps.

It's a long post I know but try to point out all aspects. I'm seeking some advice based on what I'm going through and should be done. As for now, I do plan to perform istikhara again if I'm still uncertain about what I'm going through

May Allah bless you


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2 Responses »

  1. Istikhara is most suitable for things that you are deciding on doing, and not for things you have already decided on not doing. There is no point in praying istikhara if you have already decided by your logics to not marry her. If you are satisfied with the obvious aspect of something you want to do, you then pray istikhara in order to leave the hidden aspect of it to Allah for guidance.

    Also did you know that your relationship with her was haram only after you decided you don't want her anymore?

  2. Salaams,

    I think your istikhara was valid, because you felt peace going forward NOT marrying her. All that's going on is that she simply is not accepting your decision, and is trying to get you to change your mind. By all the details you gave, you made the right choice, and changing your mind to give in to her wishes would be deviating from that right choice.

    If her constant badgering is clouding your judgment and emotions, then change your number and get a new email. Make it impossible for her to contact you. You've been clear about the boundaries, and she's disresepcting that. You have a right to do whatever is necessary to stay true to yourself and your own journey to Allah, and she will have to find a way to manage her own emotions with Allah's help.

    -Amy Editor

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