Need help in clearing confusion about my husband behaviour
Dear Reader
I am muslim lady from pakistan. I got married to Uk born Pakistani man. It took a year for me to get the visa. During that time my husband use to call me so many times in a day and my inlaws are so kind and nice. it was a love marriage. I went to UK to join my husband.
There were so many strange things which confused me. First was that the behaviour of family was strange. The dont let me do house hold work and same time complain that i dont work. My husband has three grown up kids who doesnt like to talk to me. I also felt that my husband is not interested in making love to me. I was confused all the time about certain things. First that we dnt use condomns but he always kept condom in his pocket. Second he didnt let me stay in the house where he takes me for sleeping purpose only because he has a big family in other house. So he use to wake me up in morning at 9 and take me to his family home and then at night he comes home and take me to other house to sleep. His sisters and mother was nagging me on small things like sitting , standing, eating etc etc. I tried talking to him about it. But he ignores it.
Then whenever if i ask for any thing of need. His answer was be patient. I mean small daily use things. He do give me some money for a week but then he spend the same taking it back. I caught him lying about small little things. He told me that he dont want any kids because this wil upset his other kids.
He also told me that my duties as a wife are to go to his family home, cook clean etc etc, there is no room for talking and conversing for him because he is busy man and gets tired when he comes home. Despite of my efforts his mother wont let me do anything at home and then complain to him about me being lazy.
He wanted to make love only on saturdays. He use to tell me that he dont have moneym but then get me expensive naughty clothes for saturdays. He wanted me to wear them naughty clothes and then take pictures or make movie of the whole act. I tried to stop him but he told me that good wives should obey their husbands.
He didnt believe on telling wife about anything like his finaincial condition or anyother matter regarding kids or family. So our communication was nil except he sometimes asked me how i m doing. He was polite and smiling all the times even when i gets frustrated. I felt like i was going crazy unable to understand who he is or what does he want from me. Or why did he lied so much when he was getting married to me. I am an educated woman use to a university professor in Pakistan. This situation was so confusing for me. As i couldnt figure out who i am living with. His family and him use to tell me that i am not being a good wife because i dnt know sewing. Once i was very sick and i asked my husband to take me to hospital he denied me having any rest or sleep because it was important that i reach his parents home on time. It was mental torture there. No one talks to me etc etc.
Well once i went to visit my sister i came back unexpectidly and i found him with a woman in our house where we sleep. It was 11 at nite. He denied everything saying its his friend wife who came to see new kitchen. I was shocked my mind was saying that he was lying. I left him in heat. I am back to Pakistan now and he is continuely chatting to me online but all he want is me to wear naughty clothes and show him on webcam . I tried that we come to some conclusion and askd him that i want to come back but he makes excuses. He says he will not divorce me. But on the other hand he dont want me to be with him. To tell you that i tried deleting my videos from his pone but he told me later that he already have send them on his email account. I am just so confused whats going on.
Please please give me your opinions...Shall i keep showing myslef on cam.. is it my duty as wife..an what about my life. When i ask him to call me back he disppears fro days and days and then come back again to ask me for cam to cam. My family in Pakistan is not accepting me as they think that i couldnt run the marriage so i wil have to leave my parents house soon and live on my own. I told this to him but he is not bothered.
Please help me by giving your opinion on this situation.
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Assalamualaikum sis,
I understand how you feel, is not a healthy marriage and make a move try to communicate again how you feel but if not working bfore makes decision please pray istikhara Allah SWT will show way out.
Hug to you
assalamu aleykum sis im sad to hear this he is not a good man or good family may Allah guide them tto me it seems they have no respect for you i would divorse him and get away from the situation as its not good foor you 🙁 he shoulld show u love and respect sister x
Salam sister
omg I feel for you so much I know exactly how you feel towards all this specially us muslim some times our families are not that supportive cause they just care about there honour etc
Well sister you need to go back as you did say you have a visa to go back try it with him for the very last time see if he changes if not .. you are smart you can work you can stand on your own feet so go get a job in UK work hard make a living for your self at least you will be in a better place in Pakistan it will ber very hard for a female to live alone but in UK i am sure you will be fine ... You speak good english you can work Allah knows there might me some thing out there for you
As it comes to naughty clothes etc IT IS A A BIG NO if he is not fullfilling his duties why should you put your self down & do all that infront of the cam what has happenned in the past you can't change that but at least you can avoid it from happening
you said he has kids he doesn't want to have kids from you WHAT where is your feeling in here doesn't he should think about you don't you want to have kids of course yes so he needs to consider that
just go back give it a try if it doesn't work it is Uk free country go work making a living for you self & allah will help you
Asalamoalaikum sister,
I am sorry to hear about the struggles you are undergoing. From what you have written your husband seems like a cunning person and it seems as if he may be cheating on you. Him taking you from one home to another, now allowing you sleep at one home but at another, then having condoms in his pocket when he doesn’t even use them on you, and finally the woman at his home at 11pm at night. I find this all very dodgy; I doubt any friend would allow his wife to be at his friend’s place at 11 pm at night (alone) to see a kitchen. These pieces don’t connect with each other and he’s probably behaving this way because he is hiding something from you—he may be living a double life.
In regards to him only calling you on web cam in “naughty clothes”, this suggests to me that he is only using you for his convenience.
You need to have a serious talk with him and ask him for an explanation. What is going on, who was the other woman, why does he keep condoms when he isn’t using them on you, and then only coming to you when he needs to be sexually satisfied. Either he fesses up or I see this marriage going downhill.
Follow your gutt feeling—your instincts. If he is not ready to fess and make any changes, do you see yourself living the rest of your life with him?
I also suggest that you discuss your husband’s fishy behaviour with your family and explain to them that you cannot be left hanging like this in Pakistan as he isn’t even willing to call you back nor divorce you. He needs to either: fess up and change big time or he needs to let you free and allow you to ask for divorce.
There is really no use living with a person who is a cheater and is dishonest. Cheating after marriage for me is un-acceptable—I probably can’t forgive someone for such betrayal (but we are not entirely sure if he has cheated on you or not; my hunch though is that something very fishy is going on) so you need to decide what you want.
Try to get to the bottom of this and have a serious talk with him; you aren’t here just to fulfill his sexual desires, you play a much larger role than that—you’re his wife.
-Helping Sister
Thank you all of you. I really appreciate your love and concern for me and you comments made me clear about so many things. I be intouch. during 3 months in pakistan. i tried every way to talk staright to him about matters. All he says was the i shud wait and listen to my husband commands and im not a good wife..blaming and blaming. I bin under much stress because of his continueous blaming me. Well he said i shud have no contact with my family. i shud just listen and obey what he say. I agrreed to this but then he said i shud wait in pak. and then he suddenly disappeared leaving no cue. I wonder why was even he keeping intouch with me all that time. Was it only to give me more stress etc ..cos now he made me so guilty of leaving him and i feel as if im not a good wife or person. etc etc. Havent heard from him from last month. tried contacting his switch the pone off. Plus he alse threaten me that if i apply for divorce he will show my cam videos to all my family and relatives...or harm my family. So he neither want me and threatning me. To be honest i feel im crazy cos im a failure to understand his motives. Anyway please keep giving me your valuable comments as they make my mind more clear about things. I feel that i cannot rely on my own sanity.
Salaam waleikum waragmatoelah hibrakatoe,
My dear sister I am a pakistani brother from The Netherlands
and now I am going to give you downright the right information and I am going to be very harsh and straight to the point. not because I hate you or feel anger. but because I love you and want to protect you from all these harsh thing as a loving muslim brother in Islam.
1: This guy is a pig, sorry I had to say that. I have never said anything like this but He is and I will further explain myself.
2: The way you are telling the story, it seems that he is psychologically controlling you through fear of dishonoring family and false words from the quran, Astagfiroelah the reason why I am saying false is the way in which he uses them, its wrong and not allowed.
3: Yes he is cheating on you, no need to sugarcout this bullcrap, from everything that I've read this is person that is driven by its NAFS he is not in control of himself. He lets his sexual desires lead him and shaitaan ofcourse. 11 pm to see a kitchen, you bullcrapping me ? (alone)...he wasnt'expecting you..condom in pocket and not using it ? right...
4: Its haram to make videos of sexual desires the reason for this is simpel, because the dear prophet hazrat mohammed salu alayhi wassalam has said that what we do in the chambers should also remain with the couple in the chambers. the worst of man is the one that talks about the things he did yesterday night. (please feel free to look up the correct hadith and words, and Allah forgive me if I am wrong). You are not allowed to watch porn, why would you be allowed to shoot it ?
5: Now that he has told you he will show the videos to family, it is clear why he was making the videos. He wanted to have a leverage over you, so he could continously keep making miss use of you. (If you deleted the videos on his phone and camara. I dont think he saved anything and is bluffing).
6: Either way you don't have a choice basically, because your family is not supporting you neither is anyone else trying to help you. if you have friends ask them for help. Leave this man because its better for you, he has no intention of being a good husband to you.
7: you shoulndt have married a man in the first place with three grown up kids, the reason why your parents married you to him, would have probably been for the money. Your family doesnt seem to be caring about you ? what is really akward and strange, you have been so long with them how can the parents not feel their daughters sadness ? please talk to your mother.
8: yes please!!! get the hell out of Pakistan, you will be in danger there, go to UK making a living. get a house and work. Do NOT WORRY, there is MORE THEN ENOUGH help for woman like you out there. even the editors on this site live in the UK and they have plenty of options, though I wonder I dont see any response from them ? they are always very busy helping people soo wait for it !!!
9: pray to Allah and BELIEVE IN YOUR SELF. the second you lose is the second that you admit that you are not in control of yourself. YOU ARE A CREATION OF ALLAH SOEBHAAN WATAA'AALAH you are beautiful you are unique and you have EVERY RIGHT to live freely as Allah and the prophet Hazrat mohammed salu alayhi wassalam have described.
10: please do not fall under these 'honour'' code bullshit, nothing like this has been described in the Quran and please for your information you need to get your stuf straight, read up on the Quran because the prophet hazrat mohammed salu alayhi wassalam has said that he leaves for us behind two things and those two things will be our guidance, The Quran & The Soennah. ITS YOUR OBLIGATION to know these and know what to do.
Google things up if you don't, ask people, ask on sites, go to true imaans who follow the correct path.
people put culture above religion mostly I dont understand why, but it is what it is.
you will not be able to make any change like this.
11: like I said previously don't say anything yet. go to UK, make a living then divorce him. If your family can help you try to talk to them if they are against you, DO NOT TELL THEM ANYTHING AND BE QUIET....they will probably try to stop you with guilt, honour and stuf like that.
12: when your in the UK do not go back, because that is what they want and once you go back they will not let you go again.
I cannot see into the future and neither will I ever be able to, Allah soebhaan Wataa'Aalah knows best, I am just telling you what can happen and the reason why it came to my mind and the reason why I am warning you, must also be the grace of Allah soebhaan wataa'Aalah.
13: Do not fear this man, only fear Allah. if he wants to release those videos. know that the shame is only on him for dishonoring you. it is your mistake that you let him film you but repent for it and Allah will forgive InshAllah. Believe in your creator and Believe in yourself.
14: You are not the bad wife, he is the worst and lowest husband ever possibly found. Please go to UK you will get help I promise you...also get secure, stand strong. ( don't go to other pakistani's -.-
) might be very racist, but yeah to be sure, i know how they are I am one. Don't trust anyone like this or that. for now focus on yourself and get yourself in a safe and secure environment.
15: if you dont do any of these, you will either be always controlled by him psychologically and/or in danger. Pakistan will not be safe for you. Please do not tell anyone of your plan or anything....please just don't you will get betrayed...
Sister I CARE FOR YOU AND HONESTLY WISH YOU THE BEST... I do not know how much furher I can be of help, but if there is anything PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!!!
ps: since I am also Pakistani, I can come to Pakistan with no problem. but I do not live in the UK or else I could have done more, I am from Amsterdam. still I wish to help anyhow. get away from his clutches and secure yourself InshAllah.
Sister Maria Where are you ???? we need you.
dear brother raja
Thanks so much for taking time out and write a detailed answer here. I got so much strength after reading what you wrote here. I do not how can i ever thank u. In this time when my own flesh and blood are reluctant to talk to me...you all here are my strength. I understand you point and i am planning to do same wil be leaving in two weeks for Uk without telling anyone from my family or etc. my visa valid till 2013. Pray for my sucess... I will be intouch here telling you guys whats happening...thanks once again...i have some money i can survive for month there...pray that i get some work...i am emotionally quite weak at the moment...pray that Allah give me sabar. my mom is no more. its my father and other two sisters that makes our family.
Great, i am sorry for this short response, i am responding from my phone to tell you that if any help is needed or what so ever, please do not hesitate to contact any of us.even if you need money ill try to do what ever till you can stand on your own, every little bits should help. Just never feel alone. Be safe and keep us updated, InshAllah may Allah guide you and please know that you are strong you only need to realize it. You are strong even emotionally believe in yourself!
MashAllah! What beautiful and thorough advice given by brother Raja ! 🙂
One very important point I’d like to add is: your husband is not a fool to expose those videos because he's in them too. If he is throwing mud on you, he is doing exactly the same to himself and most importantly you are his WIFE. Therefore, anything that happened in your bedroom is halal (as long as it does not go against Islamic ruling of what is considered haram) so this piece of filth is only going to show is true colours to everyone if he decides to expose those videos. Rest assured he won't because he's not that dumb—he knows how to play it smart and he would never ruin his reputation, that’s for sure.
Oh and if he by ANY chance threatens to expose your videos to others, keep those texts, e-mails etc as proof so that Allah forbid he does anything like that (which he won't because he's all talks and too cowardly to follow through with his blackmails) you can contact officials with evidence that it was he who did this. But I'm sure things will never get so far, inshAllah.
-Helping Sister
Masha´Allah, dear brother Raja, Alhamdulillah, our sister listened to you.
Here I am, literally I heard your call.
We need Allah(swt) my beloved brother.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
dear maria, if you get time. I need to talk to you about an important matter.please if possible send me your email address
🙂
All Imaams say they are true and not one says he is false.
Only Allah knows who is on His guidance and He is best aware of those who are astray.
Also Shia and Sunni Imaams have been for long debating on the three versions of the same event witnessed by thousands of witnesses and different versions of one event.
01. I leave with you Quran and Sunnah
Ref.Muwatta, 46/3
02. I leave with you Quran and Ahl al-bayt
Ref. Muslim 44/4, Nu2408; ibn hanbal 4/366; darimi 23/1, nu 3319.
03. I leave for you the Quran alone you shall uphold it.
Ref.Muslim 15/19, nu 1218; ibn Majah 25/84, Abu dawud 11/56, Sahih Muslim, Book of Hajj, Book 7 , Number 2803 .
Imagine, the sermon of the last and final messenger of Allah (peace be upon him), on his final Hajj, being witnessed by thousands of people.
Can true Imaams say which of the words "attributed" to the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) are true?
Salaam,
Your brother.
As salamu alaykum, sister tia,
You know already, we believe in you and we are here for you, try that all this process helps you to connect yourself closer to Allah(swt), have Him in your thoughts, words and acts, praise Him(swt) in every opportunity you have.
Be careful with new people, as Brother Raja has told you protect yourself, pray and ask Allah(swt) for protection. Sister, get in contact with the Imaam when you arrive to UK, he may help you at the begining, insha´Allah. If you need further help, contact us, we have Senior Editors that will guide you, insha´Allah.
You are educated, I am sure you will be able to find a good job, may not be at the begining, but you will insha´Allah. I read this post today, related to this issue, it is quite inspiring,
http://islamicsunrays.com/allah-will-make-a-way-out/
I don´t like to advice for divorce directly, but I don´t like when someone threatens other without giving the opportunity to talk or to solve the problems, not giving you children, cheating on you and talking to you just for sex, doesn´t sound too good to me, try to stand by yourself and move slowly, but remember the day you ask for divorce, he will know where to find you or he may try to contact you through your family, be ready for this.
Be strong in Allah(swt), get closer to Him and ask Him to help you to be the best you came to this life to be, insha´Allah.
All my Uncondtional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
thanks bro raja and maria for your support....it seems that going back to him door is shut for me. because i tried whatever i cud to talk to him....all he do is to make excuses and say that good wife should wait and be patient..i do feel that i am mentally abused .....as i see symptoms of guilt etc.. i am leaving for uk before mid july..i hope i dnt get any issue at the entry in uk as i was away for almost 4 months....please pray for as it is first time i be stepping in the world on my own without knowing whats gona happen next..uncertanity....ur support and kind remarks are my hope and give me strength....I do agree with bro raja that there is no point going back to him. sister maria i read that beautiful story you sent...very much impressed.
As salamu alaykum, sister tia,
The worst that can happen is that they return you to your country, Allah(swt) forbids, at least, it deserves a try, but think on positive, and whatever happens you should think is Allah(swt)´s Will to protect you and to find a better way for you.
You will find beautiful and inspiring posts on IslamicSunrays.com. Wael knows how to touch the Hearts and make us move forward, Masha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salam Alaikum sister, i feel very sad after reading your message till the end the sadest part is that your family won't take you back.
i want to give you a big hug and tell you everything will be ok my sister, i love you for allah's sake and am so sorry that you had to go through this.
it is clear that this man has tried to brain wash you. He is in the wrong, if he doesn't want to be with you anymore than you have the right islamically for a divorce it is a sin upon him to leave you and not take you! so you can go to the Imam or court in pakistan and get a divorce!
Also you have no more duties towards him, he didn't fulfill his duties towards you as a husband, he should have been spending more time with you physically and emotionally.
The whole situation seemed weird, wanting there bewing two houses and him making u go to the other house at certain times, the web cam thing all seems strange! what is he using it for? maybe he is showing other people and making money?
move on girl, lose contact with him, trust in Allah pray to Allah, sincerelly, write a letter to your parents and explain exactly what went on! tell them he cheated on u, and that they are ur family and it is wrong for them to brake contact with you! if they insist on doing so, then remember allah is with you, and remember muslim sisters are there to help you, but pray to Allah to bring you the muslim sisters who are good friends who will help you.
remember everything in life is a test, you are now a more experienced person as a result, and now you know not to trust every man! before marriage discuss everything make sure u know who the person is and what life will be like what they expect from you etc etc... never rush into anything.
Dear brother and sisters, some updates please comment:
My husband is trying to contact me now. sometimes he threats me that if i go for divorce he wil find me and kill me..or he will harm my family...and next day he says come back etc etc. when i say that ok im wiling to come back then he goes quite for days and days. Its confusing again. I have gone emotionaly beter now..i just dnt know what he want. I do understand what brother raja and other have told me here. But his behviour confuse me stil. because as far i know abt people it is either yes or no. There isnt any other way. He make me have hope then breaks it and doing it in a circle. sometimes he mail me saying he is very ill not feeling well..and then sudenly he threats me.. or ask me to come back and then when i agree he goes round and round ......
I have offered a job in university in oman, i am waiting for visa in two weeks time. if i dnt get that then i am moving to uk. But dnt know som how i do feel guilty that i am leaving him. But the fact also is that he isnt leting me do anything not to be with him not to seek divorce. Can someone comment what might be he thinking of or want from me. Please ....i bin under so much pain and stress that i coudnt breath sometimes and now the doctors have given me some anti depressents cos i have nightmares.
It more the confusion or failure to understand other person motives or personality that is stressing me out..
Perhaps i am failure in understanding people or not have enough guts to figure out things...please all of you help me in this mental game...cos its making me feel crazy or guilty that i am not doing enf for this marriage.
@ sister tia19:
Your husband is playing with your mind. He wants to keep you hanging as you’re his “backup option”. You need to break through this vicious cycle of emotional abuse. He is only giving you empty threats and you need to find your inner strength. Pray to Allah swt to protect you from all evil including your husband’s threat. InshAllah he will and can do nothing. All he is talks. He’s a shallow person who has no confidence himself and is clearly very far from his deen.
I highly recommend that if you get the job offer inshAllah that you go to Oman and work there. Cut off ties with this person but ask for khula—divorce first. You need to be free from this person and if he threatens that he will not divorce you and expose you to your family—tell him to go ahead and do it. I highly suggest you tell your family honestly what this man is all about. This way your family will already know his reality and then there is nothing this man can threaten you with. Tell your family straight up of his affairs, his tortures and that he is not at all the ideal husband. You have become so tortured by this man that you are now experiencing nightmares. You need to come out of his trap and trust Allah swt. This man cannot harm you.
Build yourself up financially so you do not have to rely on anyone and heal yourself. It’s time you end this abusive marriage that is giving you nothing but sadness.
-Helping Sister
As salamu alaykum, sister tia,
Masha´Allah, you have received already excellent replies, I agree with all of them. Take that job and have your life back, you are an educated woman and you have the right and the duty to be your best. If you have to take medication, do it while you need it under medical prescription, but don´t get dependant on it. Take care of all the other aspects of your life and get stronger while you are on medication to be able to recover faster, the antidepressants are not for the nightmares, the pain and the stress that don´t let you breath are anxiety episodes, the medication will balance this, but do your best( healthy food, food rich in vitamine B, sun exposures, exercise(yoga, taichi, chikung) , relaxing exercises, accupuncture, ...) The fact is that your body is shouting to you to take care of yourself.
Don´t waste your time trying to understand him, this isn ´t going to solve your situation. I believe you have enough reasons to apply for divorce, when you feel stronger you can research and act about it. Try not to contact him anymore, this will only increase confusion, he is not acting as a healthy man, threatening, dissapearing apart from all the other stuff he made to you.
To strengthen yourself you should pray your salat, even when sometimes may get too difficult to do it, pray surah 112,113 and 114 before going to bed, to protect your sleep, and if you wake up during the night look for refuge on Allah(swt). Stronger is your bond to Allah(swt), stronger you will feel about everything around you, this are not just words, this is a fact, but you have to experience it yourself in your bones to be able to understand what I mean.
I understand the pain of your situation, but as a wife I think you have tried your best, even beyond your best, giving more energy to this situation is taking energy away from your own health, then try to smile from Heart and look for refuge, help and guidance on Allah(swt).
A Big door has opened for you, stand straight and take care of yourself, here you have brothers and sisters that care for you, you are not alone, Alhamdulillah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam waleikum waragmatoelah hibrakatoe dear sister!
Like I said I will reply a.s.a.p. when I get your message.
Look sister first of all you have to understand this very important message that I am going to tell you... and when you read it, dont read further stop and read it 10 x times over and then stop and think about it, then read further.
Important message: YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY/PERSON HERE. You are someone who loves, You are someone with a beautiful heart, You are someone who understands other people, You are someone who is called a Muslima, You are someone who is created by the All-Mighty Allah soebhaan wataa'Aalah, You are fully capable of understanding yourself and others, You love yourself, You love the good things, You are hurt and most importantly you are not crazy.
continueing response: Sister am I writing all this to make you feel better or because its the truth ?
I am a muslim so I know lying is not allowed, so the clear answer is because its the truth!!!
Sister please please please I beg of you, this man is a liar a cheat a fraud, the way he does his work is by psychology work, this is how all the big players do their work the loverboys. I dont know where he followed a extensive class of psychology but he is really good at this as I can see from all that you are saying.
Sister he is lying he won't hurt your family, he is not scared because with each day you are getting stronger and soon his true colour will become true, because you are a true follower of Allah soebhaan Wataa'Aalah. Please believe in yourself, believe in what your brothers and sisters are saying. we only wish for your welfare.
IT SO GREAT YOU GOT A JOB OFFERED!! please take it, go work do all that you can do and stay away from him as far as possible. Sister the first and utmost important thing that you have to do right now is Focus on yourself!!! Break contact with him, because you tried long enough
I cannot keep watching like this, how someone is hurting a dear sister of myn in Islam. its hurting and killing me from the inside to see people are getting hurt like this every single day. Im crying and It hurts so bad...But we cannot expect help from Allah if we are not willing to help ourselves.
Sister you have done enough for this Marriage, You have done enough for him, You have done enough for your family. you are also responsible for yourself....
How can you think of others when you are not even able to stand on your own two feet.... First get strong, Don't tell anybody about your plan as I told you before!!! and please keep us updated, I will do all that is in my power to help you, but the best of planners and helpers is Allah soebhaan Wataa'Aalah.
step 1: Focus on yourself.
step 2: break all contact with this man.
step 3: keep all the information saved, all that he is saying to you or already has said. when I say break contact I literally mean every contact. dont even be misguided by his family, which will try to reach out to you or your own family.
step 4: Do not tell anyone about your plan, what ever happens.
step 5: put things in motion, get out a.s.a.p. so we got a bit more ground on to fight. in Pakistan you will be helpess.
step 6: update your brothers/sisters here so that we can give you further advise 🙂
I do not wish to tell you to much to do so your head explodes, I will reply right away to your messages and stand by you as I was your guidance counseler, I wish I could do this for more people. but even helping 1 is equal to infinity.
If anything is not clear, please tell me sister and I will make it clear, ask me more questions and WILL TRY TO ANSWER THEM INSHALLAH!!! sister Maria our dear and charming sister is here also always 24/7 she will also read this and I know she will reply to. keep faith sister.
Please lets fix this fast but with Patience ! sabir is the key to everything.
ps: dont take to much medication, only from proffesional doctors, because the problem lies not with you, you are not crazy...this man is crazy not you sister !!! YOU ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL ALHAMDULILAH!
pss: once this is over, I hope I dont meet this man in real life. anyway, we always have the law in UK that can help us sister, SO NO WORRY YOU ARE SAFE! just please get out of there asap!
@ Brother Raja:
mashAllah I can see the purity of your heart and I’m glad you are so keen in regards to helping others. I just wanted to point out one thing though that you wrote in your post:
“ps: dont take to much medication, only from proffesional doctors, because the problem lies not with you, you are not crazy...this man is crazy not you sister !!! YOU ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL ALHAMDULILAH!”
Anti-depressant medication is not for crazy people. Many times people are recommended these medications to treat the imbalances in the neurotransmitters in the brain (serotonin in particular which is associated with depression). These imbalances most often occur when a person experiences an environmental stressor that awakens their “genetic vulnerability” towards an illness—in this sister’s case, depression. It is very common for people to experience this disorder but it does not mean at all that the person is crazy.
I understand that you were trying to recommend to this sister that she does not become dependent on these medications but please try to refrain from such generalizations as being “crazy” because this can stigmatize people who are suffering from depression. Being depressed does not equate to being crazy.
Rest assured your intentions are to help this sister alhumdulillah so may Allah swt reward you for that.
-Helping Sister
Anti-depressant medication is not for crazy people. Many times people are recommended these medications to treat the imbalances in the neurotransmitters in the brain (serotonin in particular which is associated with depression). These imbalances most often occur when a person experiences an environmental stressor that awakens their “genetic vulnerability” towards an illness—in this sister’s case, depression. It is very common for people to experience this disorder but it does not mean at all that the person is crazy.
Very true .... btw are you a doc ?
Thank you very much sister for the clarification, Im glad you corrected me, may Allah soebhaan wataa'Aalah also bless you my dear sister. Im even more impresed by the fact that you knew what I was trying to say. Alhamdulilah, Im proud to have such great brothers and sisters. Alhamdulilah. Our Oemmah Is Still Florishing. Please always keep correcting me in such situations. People should never get dependend on drugs/medication I have seen to what and where it leads, People should get dependend on Allah, for surely he is the best pillar to put your weight on.
@ brother Raja: it is no problem brother. Keep up with the empowering advices, mashAllah.
@ A Muslim Man: I am not a doctor but rather a Psychology student and I have taken biology courses specializing on the brain and on clinical disorders, alhumdulillah.
-Helping Sister
As salamu alaykum brother Raja,
Your words touch me deeply, as always,...I know you count on me but I won´t be able to be around as I have been, but you know we have an incredible team of editors and writers which help in a deep, loving, caring way, everyone will feel their support and their unconditional Love and Respect.
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Waleikum assalaam waragmatoelah hibrakatoe dear sister María
haha im smiling from my heart, Alhamdulilah.
The one I count on is Allah, and Allah told me to count on my brothers and sisters.
Dont feel any pressure or anything thinking that if your not there I can't make it.
I know we have great editors, I love them all, but as Allah soebhaan wataa'Aalah loves his dear propher hazrat Mohammed Salu Alayhi Wassalam as his favorite.
Thats how your post reached my heart and your my favorite.
The editors are great here, they all give their oppinion and each of them has a different view on things, which makes it so much easier to find the right answer, InshAllah, Alhamdulilah.
Please sister don't think im relying on you, because I rely on Allah. I count only on your heart, knowing your wishing us well and the dua's that you do.
I mean in no way to give you any pressure what so ever to reply or even read. The reason I mention your name is because it gives me strength in my heart, Alhamdulilah.
Im sorry if I mention you to much or ask you to much, never my intention. I am a person who likes to take weights from other people, I never put myn on others.
Thank you for hearing the calls in your heart, just know everytime you feel your being called. Just do a dua, for Allah is sufficient for us.
A Big Thank You to all the Editors from the bottom of my heart, I don't wish for anyone to be left out. if you can understand me, Alhamdulilah. if you Im sorry for any inappropriate behaviour.
wasalaam.
As salamu alaykum warrahamatulla wabarakatu, brother Raja,
Thank you very much for your smile and your appreciation of me, my Heart smiles to yours, too, Alhamdulillah , don´t worry I have listened to your pure intentions always and the kindness of your Heart all the time. If Allah(swt) allows me, I will pray dua for you and anyone in need anytime a Heart calls my Heart. Insha´Allah I will be able to do it always.
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
dear brother,
i just wanted to tell u that u were right....and im so thankful that u advised me in such adverse circumstances....may Allah loves you for the love and care you showed me once.. i am working and quite settled in now. My divorce is still in process...he is still emailing me..but no contact is working very well from my side. thanks
Assalamu alaykum Sister Tia19,
My eye missed your question, Subhaan Allah.
Sister Tia, brother Raja said your family married you for his money etc. Allah knows, but you also mentioned in your post, it was a love marriage.
Sister Tia, let me tell you what Allah reveals for Muslim women, may be you could get some way out from it Insha Allah.
35. And if ye fear a breech between them twain (the man and wife), appoint an arbiter from his folk and an arbiter from her folk. If they desire amendment Allah will make them of one mind. Lo! Allah is ever Knower, Aware. - Surah An Nisaa.
Did you do try to solve your problem in the way as mentioned above by your Lord?
128. If a woman feareth ill treatment from her husband, or desertion, it is no sin for them twain if they make terms of peace between themselves. Peace is better. But greed hath been made present in the minds (of men). If ye do good and keep from evil, Lo! Allah is ever Informed of what ye do.
129. Ye will not be able to deal equally between (your) wives, however much ye wish (to do so): But turn not altogether away (from one), leaving her as in suspense. If ye do good and keep from evil, lo! Allah is ever Forgiving, Merciful.
130. But if they separate, Allah will compensate each out of His abundance. Allah is ever All Embracing, All Knowing. - Surah An Nisaa.
Insha Allah if you read each verse very carefully, you will find a way of approach to the situation and Insha Allah find a solution as well.
There is absolutely no need to go from place to place seeking answers.
All answers to life's questions are in the Qur'an and the way it should be applied to solve your problems depends upon your own thinking mind, Insha Allah, which I believe you put to good use as you are a professor and trained as well as educated woman who can put her brains to good use.
So read the Qur'an and use your brains Insha Allah, this is what Allah tells all of us to do and you shall find that the solution to your problem was never far away from you.
Sister, Allah has given you education and made you capable of getting employment by His will, so thank Allah, read His revelations as above and choose a path for yourself. Whether it is reconciliation by making peace or separation from husband when peace is not achieved. You have two choose from any of the two and the more quickly you choose one, Insha Allah, the emotional burden you carry on will be eased and off loaded, Insha Allah.
So sit down, think and decide and put your decision in to implementation and make it quick, as prolonged decision adds to the confusion.
May Allah guide your thinking to the way which good for your Deen, dunya and aakhirah.
Always sit alone and allow a free flow of thinking to take place, lets your thoughts come one after another without being stopped, just allow a natural flow of thoughts and where they lead to and Insha Allah, if you think positively with Allah in your mind and His guidance in form of His revelations, you shall find a solution to your problem.
Salaam,
Your brother.
dearbro muneeb,
yes i have tried to talk to my father in law in past and asked him and my father to have some kind of comunication to sort this out. even i requested my husband to come and see my father and i said to him that if he have any problem with my behaviour or anything he can openly dicuss with my family or sitting togther so that we can resolve the issue. My father in law said to me that its none of our business. you an your husband deal with it. my elder sister tried talking to my husband but she ends up teling me that if i want to live as a servant in his house then i shud go and dnt ask for any right cos with him there is no other way...
thanks anyway for ur valuable comments.
bro raja i m deeply obliged the way ur guiding me and standing beside me as a strength....helping sister and every one thankkkkkkkkkkkkkkkks a lot.
Assalamu alaykum Sister Tia,
As far as I see, the Islamic process as advised by our Rab Allah has not yet been accomplished.
You need to have a person from his side whom he would listen to and someone willing to help you both and you should get a similar person from your side and get both of them in to action to help you solve this problem.
Insha Allah, if this does not work and your repeated efforts have also failed and you think you can live without this person a better life as a Muslima and can think that good for your dunya and aakhirah can be achieved well without him, then Insha Allah you may seek a separation from this man by means of a divorce.
You need not fear his words. He has been confusing you, now it is time for you to give him the same medicine of confusion. He has been playing with your mind, so now it is time, you play with his mind as well.
I know some people with open heart cannot play games, like myself, and it is not enjoyable too to be of those who play games.
But we can give it a try to give him the same reply in his way. When he says he wants to be with you, you also say you want to be with him, when he changes and says he does not want you, then you can also say you dont want to be with him. Who knows, he may not even be expecting you to behave like him.
We can give this a try if you like and we can leave it altogether if you like. It is my personal opinion and the final decision is up to you.
If you feel from the heart of leaving him, then say bismillaah without any worries, trust Allah and go ahead with it.
May Allah give you strength and courage to face the situations headed up in your life.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Sister tia19,
we are here for you inshAllah. Keep striving, believe in yourself and most importantly place all your faith in Allah swt and walk forward with your life. It's about time you end this charade of mind games.
-Helping Sister
Dear all,
i am still waiting for my visa for oman. I have taken all of ur valuable suggestions into account and geting close to Allah day by day. My husband is no more threating me. In past few weeks what he has done is..he called my sister and told her to ask me to pack my bags and get ready to come to him..as he is sending me the ticket of tomorw morning so i have 6 hours to get ready. My family insisted that i shud try and quickly get ready. Funny thing was the i did become emotional and quickly packed my bags. And then all night i waited for him to call to tell me about ticket and stuff. Well that night passed and he went quite for a week.
Then after a week he send email to me saying whether i am 100 percent sure that i wil do whatever he wants me to do. His exact words are" Can u be the like the good wife....act like a married wife....and dnt show ur tantrums at all on whatever happens and be quite and patient"
As brother muneed said that i shud try his confusion with him. I said to my husband that im willing to do whatever he wants me to so when i can i come. He went quite again for a week. Then yesterday he text me saying that am i ready to come or how long it wil take me to get ready/ ////
And i said that i am ready and dnt need any time. HE WENT QUITE AGAIN////////
I knw u guys must be thinking that i shud just get along with my life and leave the confusion. But somehow i loved him so much ....and whenever he gives me hope i take it thinking that i am a human and may be i am at mistake/ ////....Please u guys dnt get upset with me. I am just sharing how i feel. I am not bothered abt his threats anymore cos i dnt care.
Do you think it will be too early to ask for khula?
Assalamu alaykum Sister Tia19,
Make your heart strong. as you said, you don't care, so yes, do not expect good to come from him, but expect all good to come from Allah.
Sister Tia19,
You love him so much, so why not use his "confusing" behavior on himself for a few more days. Let's just try and see what he does.
Insha Allah, this will make the picture clear for you.
Salaam,
Your brother.
Sister Tia19,
I’m going to begin my post with the last sentence you wrote in your post:
“Do you think it will be too early to ask for khula?”
No it is not; in fact I believe you are delaying it and finding excuses thinking he will change when he is not going to. I understand that you are sincere and loyal with him and to top it off that you love him very much but my dear sister you are not a door mat. You need to realize that what you are expecting is highly unlikely to happen. This man will keep you hanging while Allah swt knows best what he’s doing with other females in UK when you’re not even present.
Honestly, why are you setting yourself for such a low deal? I understand companionship is important but is it that important that we often time sacrifice our honour, dignity and happiness to maintain it?
Brother muniib, I disagree with you in regards to playing the “confusion game” on him. His actions are clear; we don’t need any more evidence. This is his wife and yet he is unsure of calling her back? I personally feel that the more you stay in this disastrous marriage the more you will break yourself down. You need to accept reality for the way it is.
Please my dear sis, find your inner strength. You don’t need a husband like this. Make a firm and final decision.
Either:
You stay stringing like this all your life in the hope he’ll take you back
Or
You take proactive action and end this doomed marriage and find yourself some inner peace, freedom and happiness, inshAllah.
I know it’s hard to do but if the other person takes you as an option, why are you making them your priority?
-Helping Sister
thanks helping sister a\nd bro muneeb,
today my husband send me text messages that saying that he is gona put my pictures and stuff on facebook newspapers etc media..if i ever think of taking div from him....and with that he also wrote that i shud just come to him and do as he said....
but thats what i was trying to do at first place....then he worte that i shud stay as his wife whereever i live....the moment i wil file div he is gona do this and that. I no longer belive that these are empty threats because i can feel now what kind of shit i am in. There seems to be no way.except to just run away and hide from him rest of my life. I do feel that i was geting stronger and thinking good abt my future without him. But it seems so dark now. I cant see hope. how long i can run and where?
Sister Tia19,
I highly suggest that you get your family involved. This man is torturing you to bits. He doesn’t want you but at the same time he doesn’t want you to be with someone else. He’s a psycho. He cannot post your pictures in the “newspaper”, you technically cant do that as newspapers don’t just post any pictures up; that’s ridiculous. In regards to facebook, tell him that you will contact officials and they will look into who posted the pictures and if it turns out to be him, he’s going to be in big, big trouble.
I highly suggest you tell this man straight up to do whatever he wants your filing for divorce and if he tries to mess about you have enough evidence to get UK officials to arrest him (i.e. text and emails). The more you show him you’re scared, the more he’s succeeding in his goal. My dear sometimes the only way out is facing our fears; now is the time you face yours.
Let him do whatever he desires, pray to Allah swt to protect you and ask for khula. End this chapter. This piece of filth is nothing but talks. The only way to set him straight is to show him that you’re stronger than he thinks and you will take legal action if he tries to harm you in any way.
Please Tia, end this marriage, and face your fears. If he does anything that he claims, contact your local police and any officials in UK. Make sure he’s behind bars for harming you! Let him know if he messes around that you have enough proof to ruin his life also so he better think twice before trying to mess things up for you.
We are here for you.
-Helping Sister
dear brother ans sisters,
Yesterday i received a working visa from saudia arabia..in next few days i will be doing the process of getting it stamped. At the same time my husband is calling me and saying that when he can book ticket so that i go back to him. Aprt from whatever happen you all know. two ways and one path to choose. I knw seeking answers from others can never solve problems..the answer has to come within. I do love him so much and a part of me feels that i shud try harder with his family and him, this was my second marriage and i wanted it to save it to badly....anywae just pray for me that Allah give me peace and take me out of this confusion. Thanks all for ur guidence.
As salamu alaykum, sister tia,
Follow your Heart sister, Insha´Allah, you will feel inside of yourself the yes or the no, when you give your first step in any direction. I believe you will do your best following Allah(swt) guidance and being helped by Him(swt).
All my Unconditional Love,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam Alaykum...Oh sister I feel for you but at the same time Im going to be straight with you and wake you up inshallah. Im a Canadian who reverted inshallah and before I reverted I spent almost 7 years with a man just like this. He was mentally abusing me and confussing me to no end. We had a place we bought together and I found out he cheataed on me and at the same time I also found out I was pregnant inshallah. He would call saying he wanted me back then say what a stupid person I was and that I was crazy and all this horrible stuff that I cannot and will not write...he had me on such an emotional rollercoaster ride it wasnt funny and when I was pregnant..it was worse as my hormones were everywhere. The point is HE IS MEANTALLY ABUSING YOU AND IT WILL NOT STOP TILL YOU STOP IT. He wants to post the pictures up on the net you tell him "GO AHEAD" for all you know he already has...you dont know what hes done hes sick in the head. As for going to Saudi Arabia you need to pack up no waiting for him or anyone else and go to the airport and get the next flight to the U.K. and dont look back they will help you. As for the threats and that...well let me tell you something about people who get off on mentally abusing otheres when you start to not answer your phone or talk to them and you avoid them at all costs they eventually go away...BUT you have to have control...think about it you werent happy being there with his family and him do you really want to go back do you really believe Allah(swt) wants you in this situation...your husband is deffinately cheating on you and you could end up with all kinds of diseases inshallah...think about you. He is what some might call a dark entitiy or jinn in other word he is not from Allah(swt) and how dk entities work is when they want something they will do anything to get it and once they have it they basically throw it away by calling you names, threats whatever and then when you walk away they want you back and they will do EVERYTHING to get you back but if it isnt working they will slowly go away...trust me I lived through this and I cant believe I did 7 years letting someone mentally do this, they are the type that can stab you and then convince you that you walked into the knife. This guy is LYING..CHEATING..HIS PARENTS HAVE NO RESPECT FOR YOU..theyt are ALL treating you worse then an animal gets treated...what would you do if this was your daughter and someone was treating her like this?? If your family is treating you like this to maybe they deep down dont know how to handle this cause they got fooled also and they feel stupid for it or maybe they just dont care eoither way you need to walk on your own to feet and walk away from it all but you will be safer in the U.K. I know what Im talking about as the man I was with did everything from cheating on me with numerous women even his ex to almost hitting me(except he didnt as i wasnt afraid as my father was a drunk and use to hit me)to actually phoning me constantly when I was pregnant telling me to get an abortion inshallah and he would stay with me...he use to do so much playing with my mind and I cant believe I let it happen as Ive been on my own since 15 inshallah and have never let anyone put me down like that. IF you go back it is only going to get worse believe me do you really want to live like that, if this is your second marriage and you dont want to get married again who cares about divorcing him just wake up and get on with your life far away from him and his family and your family. If you start to stand up to him and show him you arent scared he willl back off...as I said earlier if he wants to post the pictures just say got ahead you probably already did or say make sure the sound is on so our families car hear every word we said...be STRONG and he will eventually stop calling...your self esteem is down right now cause he put it there but once its back you will see...mine didnt come back till 3 years after I had my son...wow what a difference. I pray to Allah(swt) that you find the strenghth to walk away and just live your life but my heart and gut tell me you are hanging on his every word and will go back to a life of hell...I PRAY YOU PROVE ME WRONG INSHALLAH...JUST REMEBER IT WONT STOP TILL YOU STOP IT 🙂
Sister karimah what a wonderful response it takes someone who has been in that kind of relationship to understand where she is coming from, to people like me reading all her posts iam thinking "is she mad, blind, stupid, does she have amnesia, after reading your post i feel stupid because of my lack of understanding and how a man can have such control of an educated kind women, sister tia please listen to all the good advice you have gotten insha'Allah khayr.
thank you dear sisters karimah for understanding my position and letting me knw wat exactly is happening..its very nice of you.....u exactly kno wats going on in my mind...
"I tried to stop him but he told me that good wives should obey their husbands"
something that all twisted men say to commit transgression
simple principle sister"
the prophet[saww] said "there is no obedience to the creation if it means disobedience to the creator [Allaah jaj]"
and obedience is only in ma'ruuf, ie in goodness.
if he is recording you, why is he doing it.
if a couple want to record on video what they do in the bedroom, and keep it in a place where no other human will ever see it, im not sure if its allowed or not.
but it shows that that couple have been watchging certain things which they shouldnt have been, thats where they got the idea from.
btw, if your husband does not pray, or you are certain he is having an affair, you can divorce him
thanks everyone for wonderful advices....im on wrk visa in ksa an trying to build myself up..im glad that Allah has made me stand on my feet again....i hava request to make to the editors.please if u can remove my question...as it has many information abt my where abouts...i shall be thankful.
I am so sorry to hear of your situation but I am extremely proud of you taking control of your life. Please keep it up. I totally understand you as i a myself am in a similar situation and terribaly confused. My IN-laws and husband hide finanacial stuff from me, don't want to give me the keys to the house, don't want to give me the car keys, I am not even allowed to walk alone near my house. Can you believe the height of madness. My mother in law just like urs complains to my husband about my laziness. She makes me do all the house work and then tells him how horrible I am. On top of it all he has hit me 11 times upon my inlaws instigation and blamed the whole thing on me. Now I am with my parents and he has tried to get in touch with me when the police started investigating the matter after two months. He proffesses his love for me and is begging for me to call him.
dear i am so sorry to hear this....thought i am out of that house its bin a year but i am healed yet...it will great if we can get intouch....somehow and try to understand each other problems..
Dear brothers and sisters,
I am writing this in order to thank you all for your support and help. Its been 3 years since i last wrote on this forum. I am living in ksa from past 3 and half years. And alhumdulliah i am much stronger and in good position by the grace of Allah. I took khula few years back and i am happy and content with life. This message is just to thank you all.