I need some help for past abuse
Salam. I'll just say a bit about myself.
I was sexually abused for years as a child and teenager. It was someone close to me, a part of the family. He did things to me that I didn't like and made sure he could. He would call me to my room or anywhere empty and ask if he could first. Even if I said no, he got angry and always did it. He used to do things like touch me when I was really little. Then when I was in high school age, he would do more worse things. I don't like him, and I never liked what he did to me. He used to ask me if I liked it while he was doing it. I always said no, but when I did he tried to change what he'd do so that I would eventually say yes...and he'd always ask again. So I thought I would just say yes so he'd maybe stop, but if I did that he would continue because he thought I liked it.
He once told me not to go to the bathroom until I told him I was going. I remember that day I held it in because I didn't want him near me. I went secretly, and he got mad at me because I didn't tell him I was going. So he took me to the downstairs washroom and (graphic details removed by editor). I always said no to him, but he would get angry if I did.
I was always scared of him. I hate him for what he did. I hate him. He did that to me, and it all happened for so many years in my own house. (graphic details removed by editor). He did all these things for so long to me. And he would yell and be mean to me if I said no. I was just a kid. I was a stupid child. I should have said no to him and left him. I should have told my parents. I hate him. He used to make me wear certain clothes. To this day (I'm in my early twenties) I hate if my body is ever showing- especially my legs. I hate if anyone stares at me or ever finds me attractive. I hate that. I always cover myself because I hate that anyone sees me.
(graphic details removed by editor). He would always call me ugly and mean names, and make me feel like I hate myself. I really hate myself. Even today. I hate everything about my life. I have no happiness because this is basically what I had most of my life. I was never close to my mom either. My mom always treated me differently. I had no one during this time. My mom never spoke to me. I felt like I was a mistake kid. And he used to hurt me at that time.
I always have thoughts in my head. I still get thoughts of what he did to me. No one even knows what he did to me. It's just me.
I don't want to kill myself but I always thought of it. I planned it a few times. I hate everything- I have no friends and I'm just a loser. I was oppressed. I had my rights taken from me. Now I have to live like this, sick and disgusting. I don't have any help and that's why I want to die. I follow Islam and do feel like I do good in that, but I'm really depressed. Child abuse is something that really damages a person. And it took place for too long.
I don't even know what I'm asking. I want any words from people. How can I help myself? Do you think I can ever get married? I want to get married. I really wish I could be married right now. I want someone to love me because no one does. I was born a mistake and have always felt hated. When mom doesn't even speak to me it makes me feel useless. I don't disrespect and I did nothing to mom, but I always felt hated and treated worst. He only hurt me and my mom only hated and hates me. So I am a mistake.
I always used to think that Allah hated me and wanted me to be abused. Every time he wanted to do something, I used to use religion against him and say Allah will be mad, but I thought Allah would be mad at me. It never worked though. I thought Allah hated me and wanted him to hurt me. Even though I know that's probably not right, I still feel that way sometimes. I feel like Allah hates me. Thats when I go back to my suicidal thoughts. I planned, but I'm too scared. Sometimes though I hurt myself without knowing because I'm just so sad.
I wish I understood what qadr really was. I always have a hard time understanding it. I need some sort of reassurance that Allah loves me. I only ever have Allah. I cry sometimes in salah- not because of concentration but because I'm so sad and in so much pain and asking Allah for help. I don't even know if my salah is valid, but I just cry. I'm sad everyday. I think I'm depressed, but I don't ever go to a doctor because I don't have anyone who knows about my abuse and I can't pay for it.
Please tell me about this, and if I deserved it. I feel I hate myself. I also read about mental haelth and Islam, but a lot of people just don't understand. I don't want to be told I'm sinning because I'm depressed, or that I'm affected by jinn or sihr or something.
I do wish I could have been married by now, but I never want to have sex. I never want to be nude or have a man touch me or see my body or find pleasure from it or any of that. I see sex as a disgusting act, and I know that's not true, but it's how I see it. I want a husband so that he can love me and protect me.
I really wish I had someone to just hug me and show that I'm appreciated. I want to have meaning to someone. I would do anything for them, But i just can't ever have that sexual part of marriage. So I feel I'll never get married. I wanted to marry at a younger age. I won't ever get married if I can't do that, but I want someone to love me. I don't even know how I could tell him that someone did this to me before marriage. It's everything that's a problem. I don't feel I even deserve a man. I feel useless and lost. I need help.
-lostalone
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Salaam sister, you are so brave Allahmdulliah, Allah loves you A LOT, this is your test, your situation makes me feel sad, but don't worry you've got Allah with you, I know it is very hard, but one day in-sha-Allah you will have a lovely husband that will not only love and respect you, but will protect and guide, you deserve happiness and in-sha-Allah you will get it, but before that sister you need help from a professional, I know no one knows about the abuse but you really do need 2 get help from a professional some how or you may never get over the trauma you have been through, May Allah give you loads of happiness and bless you with Jannah, and by the way none of whatever happened was your fault and you were not a 'stupid kid', you were scared and believe me I know it does not seem like it but Allah loves you, he does not hate you, when you got Allah you don't need anyone else, that mentally ill person will get punished harshly, he's the idiot, not u sister, do not worry i know this just sounds like words but trust me you will in-sha-allah recieve happiness, Allah says 'after difficulty comes ease' (not exact words), therefore Allah will give you happiness, your not alone, and I bet so much people do like you, you seem like a real nice person 2 me, I need and want a friend like you!, hope this helps xxx
Very nice advice sister...
Jazza-khalla
Salam Sister,
That was a very very sad read, I am so sorry you had to go through such a thing at such a young age. Please heed sis haseeba advise. May Allah ease your pain and accept your dua for a good husband who will love and protect you, Ameen.
Sister you are not alone there have been many people in the same situation like you that man was and is evil .please get some help there are the samaratians there free ring them up ..They will call you back free of charge you don't have to give your real name please just talk to them .They will talk to you and they will understand what you are going through .go on the internet and look for free counselling on line .i think go and speak to your doctor because you have been abused they will be very sympathetic .you don't have to tell them who abused you .but explain to the dr you need someone to talk he will refer you to talking therapies .they will give you a number to ring and they do a over the phone consultation to see which organise action to refer you to .tell them you will want everything kept confidential .i hope this is of some help to you .first get help and then thing of marriage now is not the time .get help confidance and a healthy mind .And try to speak to your mother about how you feel she needs to no .May one day you be able to tell her or one of your siblings .i wish I could do more for you but you need practical help .allaha does love you be very strong and don't let this person ruin yr life because that's what he's doing .i will pray for you .insha allaha
Asalamu alikum,
Thank you sharing this, I am sorry you had to experience such a trauma growing up.
But I agree with previous comment, you really have to seek professional help. It's very complex to deal with sexual abuse. Write a letter to your mom, tell her what happened to you, and ask her to take you to speak to someone.
I think you have to tell your mom or a trusted adult so that this rapist/pedophile in your family goes to prison or atleast to be kept under a very very very careful eye wherever he goes...because can you imagine if he does this to your younger cousins who are growing up right now? You cannot keep this a secret, that's what he wants. Expose him, and he will look bad, not you my dear. Do it for others, so that they don't experience what you did.
As for getting married. You can get married, but first work at getting peace with your self. Relationships are not as nice and fluffy as they look from the outside. It's not a happily ever after.
So seek councelling, find peace with Allah, expose this rapist, and make dua for Allah to send someone your way. You deserve to be loved and respected and inshallah you will find that person.
Allah does not hate you my dear, he hates what the abuser did to you.
We all are tested with different things in this life, this is your. Allah trusts that you can handle this, and he knows you will handle it or he wouldn't have sent it your way. Have faith that Allah is all powerful and can help you, no problem is too big for Allah.
You are a good soul, you are beautiful, and you deserve to be happy. Start by making yourself happy and loving yourself...don't wait for a man, your mom, or anybody else. Start by waking up in the morning and telling yourself positive things, love the skin you are in, don't look down at yourself, and do whatever it takes to be at peace.
I am saying this, because I don't want you to be disappointed or to idealize marriage as an escape. It's not, marriage is another test.
All the best my sister and may Allah make things easy for you.
Thank you for responding. I didn't realize it would even get answered to. I didn't think anyone would even care.
I didn't mention a lot of things because I thought it would be too long. Sorry for writing graphic things. I see it's edited out. I guess I was in a bad state at the time.
I don't know how to ever get counselling because nobody knows about it. And even if I did, I just see it as problems and problems. I would be looked down on and I'm scared for my own self. If I say what happened, I'm scared that he hurts me. Or that someone else will. He is still alive and he's around us all the time. Just yesterday he was telling me mean things. As I sit down, he would tell me to kill myself. He asked why I always look sad and has no idea he's the reason because of what he did. He doesn't do it anymore but he's still here and in my life. That's kind of another reason why I wish I could be married. Because I would be away from him and see it as a form of escape and protection. Then again it comes with a lot so I don't think I could ever actually get married.
I never had counselling but I don't think I'm mentally healthy. I think I have a lot of mental health problems but everything is just self guessing and other things. I couldn't know for sure. It's just guesses, but I don't think suicidal thoughts and other things I've done and what happens to me and just how I am is actually healthy.
I don't see any sort of exit from this, and when I start getting thoughts that Allah hated me and things like that, that's when I get really sad. I only have my religion. I don't have anyone who loves me or cares about me. I don't have a single friend and I never have. I only have Allah but sometimes I get really sad and can't do anything. I can't even make dua sometimes just because I have no motivation to do anything in life. I don't want to get out of my bed because that means another day. The thoughts that run through my head really hurt. I still feel what he did to me and I lose it completely. I have Ramadan now so I make dua and I guess I'll continue to try my best in that.
Assalam alaikum Sister,
Unfortunately, I do not have much time right now to give you a proper response, but I believe, with the help of Allah swt, that I could offer you some advice and comfort in a detailed response later, inn shaa Allah.
Meanwhile, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong, learn to love yourself and begin with only positive thoughts as often and as much as you can. May Allah make you strong and ease your difficulties, Ameen.
Sister you need to get out of this situation!!! You can't have this pervert lurching around you and axpect to live your life happily, his presence around you is a constant reminder of what happened. Although you probably won't forget what happened but him being around is like trying to swim to shore with chains around your ankles.
People can correct me if I'm wrong , but I don't see the point in telling your mother or any family member. The reason I think this is because it could go either way, either they can show you support, or judge you and use this against you. I think that that this is too much of a gamble , and would be devastating if the latter happened.... Maybe in the future you can say something if you want. But not now, I think your too fragile to hear anything but supportive worlds, which is what you deserve.
THE PLAN:
You need to stand on your on two feet, don't wait for a man. If you get married now, great, but don't wait for another human being to give you happiness. You need Allah and your self at this point.
1) join a sister's halaqa in a masjid. This will enable you to get closer to Allah, make life long friends, and most importantly can be therapeutic. You mentioned that you don't have money for therapy, which I think is important, if you get in to a sister's group you might learn of free ways to get help from the masjid. Especially if you live in the west.
2) EDUCATION:not sure how old you are, but I'm guessing out of highschool. If you aren't enrolled in college, please do so, and immerse you self in your studies.Education is power sister, it elevates you, not only financially,but mentally also.Once you get a degree, your unstoppable inshallah.
3) JOB: I'm kind of assuming you live in the west, so this step might not be so easy as a woman if you live somewhere else. I encourage you to get a job, not only so that you can support you self, but so that you can get out of the environment you're in , to see and to interact with others, and for once to see what else is out there. For long now you've been thinking about you predicament, you have to live life now. I'm not undermining what happened, but you're doing your self a disservice if you just give in to four walls still surrounded by this monster.
4) Again people can correct me if I'm wrong,but ultimately , I think that you need to get out of where you're living.I understand that being a woman , it's dangerous and hard to live alone, but isn't it ironic how sometimes it's the people closest to you that are the most dangerous!!! There are plenty of government help organizations out there that you can apply for( again if you live in the west) to help you get an affordable place....
Last but not least, I want you to integrate Quran in you life on a regular bases start by reading two pages every morning , then increase it as time goes on. Try to understand the meaning as much as you can. When you make Duaa, ask Allah to help you get closer to him, never ask WHY me , that's pretty much questioning Allah , and istagferaallah we have no right to question what he decrees upon us.
There's no better time than this month to get closer to Allah, and to ask him for help. I want you to realize that the reason you think Allah doesn't love you , is because you don't love your self. I don't know you, but I can tell you that your one of the strongest people I've come across, can you give your self credit for withstanding what happened?
You're an amazing person, I wish you the best, and I wish I could be there for you more, by giving you my info.Please don't feel compelled to take my advice if it doesn't work for you, as I'm human and might be wrong in my judgement .
I will make Duaa for you
Y wouldn't we care 4 u my sister, we love u because u are our sister in islam, like they say a muslims body part may hurt and the ummah should be in pain (something along these lines), we feel for you but we can only do dua and show our support, you said something like 'your not mentally healthy' well your not really 2 be blamed for!, and I don't know how but please try and get help from a professional, you say a lot of problems may arise, well they may arise but then again counselling may help you get over this trauma, I understand you don't want anyone 2 know and I totally don't blame you, may Allah show you the way!, may be try seeing a counceller through college or whatever you attend, xxx
And my dear,
I forgot to add. The best thing to do when you are sad is to say the dua for distress...there are some nice ones..
http://www.makedua.com/display_dua.php?sectionid=35
Also, read the Quran. Have a relationship with the Quran. Study it and learn it's tafseer, not just the basic translation. When you are sad and distressed, you will be amazed at the solutions you can find in the Quran. Keep your heart and mind in worship and Allah will give you peace. You won't get it from anything else in this world. Go to the masjid and meet good people who are righteous, it's the best way to get out of the house. Maybe find out when the local mosque has a class, if whatever and do try to see other sisters, especially if you are not getting any love and warmth from your mom.
There is happiness and love out there, and you will find it one day inshallah.
I am christian and i read this website a lot to gain more knowledge from your website around islam
This story really touched me,
Here is my advice
You are not alone seriously there are soo many people out there who have horrible pasts trust me i know however god does love you and will listen to your tears and cries. You are still standing and trust me i know that right now everything seems very scary and lonely but it does get better i promise.
I know its been said already but god gives us as much as the thinks we can handle and you are a very strong young women and you can get through this
One day when everything is better and you are happy you will be the one with the capacity to advice other sisters on how to overcome problems similar to yours and even save them from it.
I just wanted to say stay strong and seek counselling i always had the mantra that counselling is like a life raft right now you have dived into water and struggling to keep your head above the water counselling is like being thrown a life raft you will swim to shore and overcome it but it just keeps your head above the water.
I had dialectical behavioural therapy and it does help you understand and get to know and love yourself in the end because you are a lovely brave young women who does not deserve bad things to happen to you.
I hope this helps just be strong go to counselling and pray. god will never abandon you.
This website is a lovely place where people do care.
OP: But i just can't ever have that sexual part of marriage. So I feel I'll never get married. I wanted to marry at a younger age. I won't ever get married if I can't do that, but I want someone to love me. I don't even know how I could tell him that someone did this to me before marriage.
You don't have to tell any thing to any one. Even if you had the worst (sexual intercourse) most likely your future husband will never know.
I don't think you have any mental problems.
Sexual abuse happens to lot of boys and girls. Most of the families from third world countries just don't talk about it because they don't want a father, a brother, an uncle, a cousin to go to jail. Also in Incest cases girls get blamed for asking for it. In many cultures girls get punished for getting raped.
There are some weird people in this world. I recently read a news where a 10 year old girl was raped by her religious teacher. Now supporters of that teacher claim it was a consensual sex and some claim girl is 16 year old or some thing. Family of 10 year old girl wants to kill her in the name of honor. Do you think that religious teacher is thinking "Allah hates me". This is just to show there are people who are very religious and doing worst kind of things.
Why do you assume "ALLAH hates you". If you think bad thoughts you will feel sad and you may think you are mentally ill. You can change all that.
If you have some fears that your husband will find out about your secrets, you need to talk to a counselor.
Talking about your secrets may create more problems in your family. If person involved with you was much older a counselor may have to report it and it may become a police case.
For some reason you seem to hate your body. Many girls do that. What do your friends or relatives tell you about your looks?
Do you have a job? Are going to school?
Awww habibti none of this is your fault wallah and the person who did those disgusting things to you will be severely punished without a doubt. Please do not hate yourself or punish yourself you are perfect and your body is sacred. You need to seek professional help and therapy it will be hard but you will get through this Insha'Allah. The most important thing for you to do right now is to have a close relationship with Allah. He tests us in all different ways do not ever think that Allah will hate his creation! Regarding marriage, there are many good men out there who will love you as their wife and accept you no matter what your past because none of this was your fault. Do not worry or be disheartened about finding a husband who will accept you, only a really small minded ignorant shallow fool would reject you because of what happened because none of this was your fault and anyone can see that as you were just young and taken advantage of. May Allah swt give you the strength to get through this and bless you immensely with happiness and barakah in your life. Aameen.
Dear sister,
Firstly I am so sorry for the pain that you have suffered and the pain that you still go through.
Know that this is not your fault, you are not ugly, unworthy or unloved.
You are an incredibly strong woman and your recompense lies with Allah.
Allah doesn’t hate you, he hasn’t forgotten you, you are unique, you are special and you are the only one that He has made like you in this dunya.
I cant tell you why this has happened to you or why so much evil exists in this world, but one thing I am sure of is that evil is derived from the hands of man, the goodness we feel is but a blessing from Him.
I can feel the burden of pain, anguish and sadness in your post but know that I love you for you are my sister and that Allah loves you for you are his creation.
In the mist of your sadness you must find the courage to improve your situation as much as you can, I know you are scared of exposing all that has happened but sister you are trapped in the mar of all that has happened and this will only exasperate the way in which you feel. You must have an outlet for all that you have kept secret inside of you, the first step you can take is to see your local GP. I’m not sure which country you live in but if it is in the western world then you should speak to your GP about what has happened and they will be able to refer you for counselling. The choice as to whether you disclose this to your family/mother is a decision you must make. You must not feel ashamed of what has happened, you have nothing to be ashamed of, often when we bottle things up it eats away at our soul. Let this not consume you, you have every right to happiness love and joy. Inshallah in due course once you have healed your heart and mind I pray that Allah will enjoin you with a wonderful spouse who will be your comfort and strength.
He is al- Wadud, his love has no beginning and no end, he is all encompassing, may his love envelope you for eternity.
I prayer for your strength and your success.
Awhhhh, never have I been in tears after reading this...
Don't worry sister, what has happened isn't your fault, you just need to maintain patience.
"Indeed Allah will help those who help Him. Indeed Allah is Exalted in Might, All-Powerful."
Al-Qur'an 22:40
Just trust in Allâh will do everything good by you, and you'll come out good. Subhan'Allaah, you should try getting married, that will make you feel loved and protected and there are guys out there who will. This has made me so emotional... :'(
First and foremost. I am very sorry that you are going through such trials. It truly breaks my heart. As a survivor of abuse , Id like to share with you pratical advice.
1) Safety: you need to stay away from him at all cost. Never be alone with him. I am not sure of your home situation, and have strong boundaries (lock doors) etc. if you can move out.
2) Focus on forgiveness. It doesnt mean forgetting but making a statement in your heart and mind. That you are going to never allow this person to heart you physically or emotionally. Put it in the hands of God and trust that God will give you the justice that you need. Also, forgive yourself. you are not dirty and you have done nothing wrong. The defilement that you feel is from the fact that someone took advantage of you and this sort of behaivor goes against your morals and values.
3)Surrender to God/ Reclaim your purity: pray, ask God to heal your heart, and mind. Lastly,stay away from sexual materials, improper videos, make friends with same sex individiduals. God is willing to help us but we must do some work. There are so many peoples lives that have been ruined as a result of sexual abuse, and also from watching inappropriate videos or books. Not only does it bring up memories , but it also stirs up desires in our heart that are not good if we are not married.
4)You are not a victim, but a survivor: live your life as such, reach out others who are hurting, maybe work with children, volunteer, etc. I am sure that you have strengths. Whatever you do let the past be the past, and focus on the plans that God has for you in the future. I wish you health and strength...!
Dear Sister,
Assalam alaikum,
May Allah's Mercy be upon you, Ameen.
I am very sorry for what you have gone through and what you are going through now.
The feelings that currently overwhelm you are not a surprise considering what you have been through. It is important, though, for you to understand how to work through the particularly negative and dangerous ones. For example, you want to feel love and at the same time feel useless--this makes you very vulnerable. Completely avoid any personal contact with non-Mahrams because you could confuse any of their kindness with love. No matter how nice or sweet a man may be, it is the very thing you should avoid, inn shaa Allah. Of course, I am not suggesting that you would go for such a thing, but you need professional help to understand the source of these feelings--once you do, you will be able to overcome them, inn shaa Allah.
I also believe that since you do not have a strong relationship with your mother, this has hurt you in a way most people would not understand. I am sorry that you went through that. I don't know why your mother was like that, but sometimes past history replays in the future and perhaps your mother suffered from some kind of personality disorder. We can't be sure, but either way, you are completely deserving of love and affection. Know that Allah swt loves you, so begin to make a stronger relationship with your Creator inn shaa Allah.
Focus on your studies, make female friends, get involved with helping those less fortunate than you even if you go and volunteer at a hospital. Sometimes these activities help us with priorities and provoke better focus in us. Whatever horrible experience you have suffered, you can make so many better experiences out of it. You can overcome this, one day, one moment at a time. It is never easy, believe me, I know, but thankfully, recovery isn't impossible, Alhumdulillah. Love yourself, enjoy your company and heal yourself one day at a time.
If getting professional help isn't possible, there are many stories you can find on the internet of those who have suffered like you--they often share their road to recovery and I am sure you can find something that you can relate to. I will suggest that you read up on narcissism (a personality disorder--perhaps your mother suffer from this) and also bpd (borderline-personality disorder) to begin with. Sometimes females who have been abused develop bpd later one and perhaps some of the articles will help you to understand what is going on inside of you. I am not trying to diagnose you--this information maybe helpful as you head towards healing.
If possible, please do update us on how you are doing. May Allah ease your difficulties, remove your pain and grant you a loving pious husband, Ameen.
Thank you for the responses. I'm sorry I never replied to all because I really didn't think anyone would even reply. It feels nice to know someone cares.
I'm feeling really sad today. I wish there was a way I could feel better. I do my Islamic obligations and others but I always feel maybe there's a barrier between me and Allah but I don't know what it is though. Even Ramadan didn't make me feel happy. I feel I can find peace within the religion but whenever I try I don't feel anything. So I start to feel maybe that's another reason Allah does not like me.
I know I'm not supposed to feel this way. Maybe I need to erase those thoughts or something. I have so much I should probably change. I don't do anything properly.
shaitaan is doing his best to make you perceive that there is a barrier between you and Allah to prevent you from pursuing a strong faith in Allah swt. Do not be so hard on yourself--not one single person is perfect and we only try to improve ourselves.
Start by doing small things for yourself, especially taking care of your health. May Allah make it easy for you, inn shaa Allah.
Salam alaikum sister,
have faith. I wish i could help you. I went throught that too bbut never lose hope in Allah. One day you will Insha Allah you will have such a good life. There will be someone who will make you forget everything, no matter if its a friend or else. Be strong.