Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Need help to stop husband’s repeated infidelity

cheating affair husband

salam everyone

i am sharing my problem below and request you to please share your valuable advice. Sorry for a long post but I am really worried and need to discuss my problem

I am a practicing muslim woman married to a practicing muslim man for last 10 years. It was an arranged marriage and we did not know each other before marriage. In the first month after marriage I got to know that my husband had many affairs before marriage and he was still getting calls and messages. I confronted him politely and he assured me that this will not repeat.After that for 3 years I did not notice much neither I asked on my own. By grace of Allah I then conceived.3 months into my pregnancy my husband's behavior changed a lot. He was always outside home used to come late and then again be on phone. I kept asking him what is the matter but he never told me. 2 days before my delivery I caught him talking on phone still he did not accept. I kept weeping whole night even in that state of complete 9 month pregnant.Next day he made a story that it was her ex girlfriend whom he is only helping to come out of an abusive relation and there is no other thing. After that our baby was born. He had already been diagnosed with club foot problem and soon after his birth I was busy with his treatment. In between every other day I started getting calls from that girl's mother and brother saying that my husband used to go everyday and tel them that he will leave me and child and marry her. This continued for 6 months. My husband kept denying it and he even swore on quran sharif saying he has got nothing to do. I again stopped asking but I knew he was lying because his behaviour did not change

In 2015 I got a call from that girl saying that she had left my husband in dec 2013 because he was neither marrying her nor leaving me and that she has got message from another girl on facebook which clearly showed that he is now involved with that new girl. Since 2015 I have been asking him again and again but he keeps denying. He has become very abusive beats me whenever I ask him and has even tried to strangle me. He never comes home before 10pm. And even after that he is on phone till 1 in night. 2 days in the week he is not home saying he has office wort and has to travel. I have a 5.5 year old child who needs a father but he is never there for him. I am a full time working mother and he never lets me leave my job also. My parents take care of my son when I am in office. I have even got proofs that he has actually bought a separate home and kept that girl there and everyday after office he goes there. I have communicated this to his family also but they are not supporting me as my mother in law never liked me from the beginning.

I am in a very bad situation. My parents are very old and my child is very small. My parents opinion is to stay silently atleast the child will get father's name. But I am not able to live with this person. He has not given me any rights of wife and has even started saying bad things about me to his friends. Both the girls mentioned are Hindus and I am very sure that he has  been in sexual relation with them on regular basis.

I really need advice on what should I do. He never accepted before also and neither now he is accepting. I am just dying day by day because of the frustration building in me. My son has got problem in both his legs and in last 5 years 3 years have gone in treatment and operations and allhamdulliah as of now he is on his feet but the doctors are not sure when the problem can repeat.

What should I do should I separate from him because it is really very difficult for me to live a life like this or should I stay with him just to give my son his name. Even then I am not sure he might just leave me and go any day because I do not see any commitment from him even as a father.

Please help me.

 

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19 Responses »

  1. Salaam alaikum
    Leave him. He doesnt want you or his son. Why stay? For a name? Thats backwards thinking. Please stop and leave.

  2. Hello

    I read your life's situation and looks like that you are really suffering because of your marriage to a man who is not involved in anything. This is so tough for you that you are looking after your son's health alone and working full-time. I salute you for your patience with your husband. I do not know your life's situation completely so I would suggest that you should talk with him and shared your feelings with him (I am sure you have done this in past). If he does not understand or he is not willing to change, then how long will you stay with a man who is not being a man in your life? Allah has given you the rights to decide, you deserve way better than this, you are a caring woman who looks after her son. You deserve all the happiness in this world and please use the rights Allah has given you. Society or culture is often confused with religion, use your rights to see what you could do in a situation like this. Society or the culture does not come to your rescue when you are in trouble but Allah (and his religion) does. Please listen to your heart, learn your rights regarding leaving him, and be happy. You could always find someone who is a good husband and a good father to your son. I know this is easy for me to write but I guess you have the courage to go beyond what your parents are advising since you are looking for external help. Please do something about your situation, try giving him chances and if he does not change tell him that you cannot live your life like this anymore. Goodluck. Allah is there to help you. Look up to HIM.

  3. Assalaamualaykum sister,

    I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds very difficult and you don't deserve to be treated this way.

    You should separate from your husband and move back home with your parents. They are elderly, yes, but they can still help you keep an eye on your son while you are recovering from this situation. Also, when living with your parents, you can quit your full-time job and find part-time work that allows you to spend more time with your son. Your husband is currently preventing that.

    Do not worry about your son not getting the husband's name...it is a blessing that he won't!

    Inshallah you will eventually be able to separate emotionally from your husband and seek the best option for yourself when you are ready, on your own time.

    Hugs,

    Nor

  4. What on Earth were you thinking, getting pregnant so quickly by a man you know can't be trusted? I'm sorry, but I don't feel sorry for you for your situation...for being this irresponsible - I just feel sorry for your child because he or she has such irresponsible parents. One is a serial cheater, and the other gets pregnant by a serial cheater. Congratulations.

    You need to get yourself tested for a variety of STDs, and then you need to leave this man.

    • This is not a nice comment at all. Getting pregnant this quickly? She said she got pregnant three years after marriage. That’s not quick at all.
      Why did you choose such a harsh way to tell the sister to leave her husband? She should leave this man because he is dangerous for her and her child but your words are really insensitive.

      • I don't care.

        • Lindita is my alter ego. Period.

        • You need to behave yourself. Like if you didn't care enough to show compassion then why did you even comment on this? Just why ? She came here for solution and not judgement and hatred.

          How dare you to say hey child has an irresponsible mother. you disgust me so much. Why I on earth are you to make this call ? This sister carried this baby for 9months , she took him to all his treatments and also is working full time to support her child. She also sacrificed her life for her child to have a father, so you tell me how you can call this an irresponsible parent?

          How's 3 years quickly? Blimey ... And I thought 3 months was quickly, not 3YEARS!!

          However , I agree that she should leave this disgusting man. She and her child deserve better.I'm also going to blame the man's family for not helping her out . They probably knew about his dirty ways hence why they got him married off quickly.

          • I'm giving you two virtual F's right now. As I said, I don't care, and I certainly don't care about you or your opinions, so you're wasting your breath. Bye, Felicia.

        • This is for you Lindita. Read the verses carefully and contemplate on it deeply, especially the text in bold.

          Surah Baqrah Verses 8-16: "Then there are some who say, "We believe in Allah and the Last Day", whereas they do not believe at all. They thus try to deceive Allah and the Believers, but they succeed in deceiving none except themselves and they realize it not. In their hearts is a disease which Allah has increased all the more and a painful doom is in store for them for the lie they utter. Whenever it is said to them, "Spread not disorder on the earth", their reply is, "We only seek to put things aright".Beware! they do spread disorder but they realize it not. And when it is said to them, "Believe sincerely as the other people have believed", they reply, "Should we believe as fools have believed?”Beware! they themselves are the fools, but they know it not. When they meet those who believe, they say, "We, too, are believers", but when they privily meet their evil geniuses, they say, "Indeed we are with you: we are only mocking at these people". (Little do they realize that) Allah is mocking at them. He gives them rope enough, and they wander on and on blindly in their mischief and rebellion. These are the people who have bartered away Guidance for error, but this is a profitless bargain that they have made, and they are not at all on the right way."

          • How is Lindita spreading disorder? She's a blunt person, and sometimes people need that in order to wake up. Her advice is also spot on.

    • Wow, what a horrific comment. Be careful how you attack other people, Allah may take her situation and bring it down on you.

      As for the sister, may Allah give her sabr and make her matters easy. Ameen

      • I'm not attacking anyone. Sometimes, it's important to let a person know where they went wrong along with the advice you give to them, so they won't repeat the same mistake again. If someone can stay with a cheater, they can get pregnant again by a cheater.

        And I am being careful, thank you. That's why I didn't let my parents arrange my marriage to a serial cheater, and that's why I didn't get pregnant by a serial cheater. Sometimes, things aren't being done TO you, but we let them HAPPEN TO us. Like in this instance. She should have left this man when he first started cheating. Not get pregnant by him.

        Even now, she's still not sure whether or not she should leave him. Like, how many more times does her husband have to cheat before she has had enough? When she's 60?

        • "And I am being careful, thank you. That's why I didn't let my parents arrange my marriage to a serial cheater, and that's why I didn't get pregnant by a serial cheater. Sometimes, things aren't being done TO you, but we let them HAPPEN TO us. Like in this instance. She should have left this man when he first started cheating. Not get pregnant by him."

          Even though I don't agree with your blunt and acerbic style of commenting, I have to say that I DO agree with what you wrote above. Although there are many Muslim women who are compelled with force to marry someone they don't want to or to stay in a marriage that they don't want, there are also many Muslim women who don't put their foot down and say "no" to their families or don't leave a marriage simply because their parents tell them to. When men do the same they get no sympathy from anyone but instead get ridiculed and harshly remarked with "well why did you marry here in first place, it's your fault you should've said no" etc...

          Same should apply to women.

          • It's alright, you don't have to like my style of commenting. I don't like most people on here's too soft style of commenting either - but I would like to thank you for looking past how I write and focus on what I have actually written. I agree with you fully, Muslims should be much better at saying no to marriages they are not comfortable with, instead of allowing themselves to be their parents' lapdog. Everyone has the right to choose their own spouse, so they should insist on their right to say NO to a proposal.

  5. I think u should pray istikhara namaaz if u need any other advice please contact me on

  6. السلام عليكم ورحمه الله وبركاته

    Sister, I want to hug you for your bravery. Clearly Allah has chosen this test for you, because he knew you would be able to handle it. By staying patient in this regard, I hope that Allah rewards you with a palace in Jannah in shaa Allah.

    As for your situation, speak to a local imam. Clearly people online aren't suitable to discuss your marriage matters with you, especially ones that involve divorce.

    If you ultimately decide that getting a divorce is the best option, do not forget that divorce is your right.

    It's commendable that you'stay with this man for the sake of your elderly parents, however, you should think about your safety and the health of your son. I truly believe that you're doing a disservice for your son by keeping him around this sort of abuse. It can create serious mental problems for him in the future if he sees his parents fighting everyday.

    Don't grieve over keeping this man's "name." I'm not quite sure what you mean by this, but whatever it is, I'm shocked you'd want to keep his name after the type of behavior he's exhibited. Islamically, the wife must keep her maiden name regardless. You parents worry over such an issue is totally cultural, not Islamic. Don't risk your life for what's jahiliyyah (pre-islamic ignorance).

    I wish you the best, I will keep you and your son in my dua's. May Allah grant your parents and you Jannah. Guide your son, and distance you from what's bad for you.

    Ameen

  7. Wa alaykumsalam.

    Ya Allah, please make this situation easy for you and give you sabr, ameen. Thumma Ameen.

    Think of your whole life sister. Will you be ale to live with this evil man your entire life? let alone a month, or even a week? You can't. Every single day you are crushed into complete misery even though you haven't done anything wrong.

    This guy isn't a practicing muslim. I don't know if he even is a muslim (Allah knows best if he decides to repent to Allah and turn back to islam later). But right now he is doing complete evil and will be punished in the akhira in the deepest part of hell for this disgusting hypocrisy.

    "Im dying day by day because of the frustration building in me"
    "He lies to me"
    "He beats me"
    "strangles me"
    "affairs"
    "Being in a sexual relationship with those women (on a regular basis)"
    "neglecting his son with health problems"

    What even is this man?

    Im actually tearing up for you sister, May Allah help you through this trial. Ameen.

    please remember that it's not your parents choice to live with someone, it's yours. It is permissible for you to ask your husband for divorce because he is beyond incapable in treating you right.

    It was narrated that Thawbaan (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who asks her husband for a divorce when it is not absolutely necessary, the fragrance of Paradise will be forbidden to her.” Abu Dawood (2226), al-Tirmidhi (1187) and Ibn Maajah (2055)

    This man currently is a evil hypocrite and he is severely abusive and it is more than necessary for you to divorce him.

    Find a better spouse that will be caring and serious about you and your child. May Allah help you through this ameen. And do visit the Imaam for guidance as they are most knowledgeable in islam and it is ordered by Allah's messenger (Salalahu alayhi wasalam) to go to the most knowledgeable among us for guidance that you may be guided by the straight path.

    May Allah Protect you, make things easy for you, give you sabr, and give you a place near Allah Subhanahuwata'aalah in Jannah, Ameeeen. Thumma ameen.

    • May Allah (swt) grant you happiness in this world and the hereafter Sister, your intentions were pure sister and my thoughts are with you May Allah (swt) give you Sabr and strength, I am sure that Allah will give you a great reward of a better husband in this life and the next , you do not deserve this poor treatment sister. Allah (swt) does not burden a soul more than it can bear, maybe this is a test In Sha Allah and if you give something up for the sake of Allah(swt) , Allah(swt) will give you something much better. In Sha Allah . Warn you husband ask him to mend his ways for the sake of Allah (swt) , you and your precious children if this fails leave him . And understand it was for the sake of Allah(swt) , use this time as way to get closer to your creator and show and teach your children our beautiful religion that Allah has blessed us with Alhamdulliah.
      May Allah give you strength Sabr and May Allah (swt) reward you with a righteous husband. In Sha Allah if you do things for the sake of Allah (swt) he will reward you.
      Take care Sister

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