Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Need help to take decision for khula

I am 29 years, married and have 2 kids. Mine is love marriage. My parents and siblings were against it. But I had got permission after struggling a lot and finally married as I wished.

I have to tell one thing here is how he had  behaved even before the marriage. He would not allow me to go outside even with my mom. He had always asked me why are you talking to other boys in my class. Also he had started fighting with me for no reasons even I accept all his rules and regulations he had framed to me. So many problems even at time of exam he had given me but I had ignored everything because that much I was loved him but not now. Because he made me a fool by talking with girls, going out at night, having Facebook girl friends for chatting with words like darling,  baby etc. I had trusted him but he has been cheating me since 2003. He is a smoker which also I didn't know because he had promised me to quit smoking in the time of the proposal of love. I had framed 5 conditions. For everything he had shaken his head " ok". But nothing he had done for me. Then time was passed.

Now I am married, he was cruel both physically, emotionally, verbally. Even on the 7th day of our marriage, he treated me very cruelly by physical torches because had told him to don't go out at night unnecessarily. He always had gone at night 2 to 3. Then I had emotional torches after I had got pregnant. Even I was pregnant, he had treated me very badly by giving me emotional and physical torches. I had hidden all things from my family even from my mom. But he had spoiled my name by made false complaints on me which I had come to know after my first delivery. He was very dishonest. Then he had left us many times alone in an important situation without helping me and my kid. Then I had decided to ask for thalaak. But my parents had extended the time this far. So I had separated for 1 and half year. Then, one day he had returned back to me, and had asked me tonforgive for all those things he done to me. First I had refused, but then I had accepted his sorry and have been living together.

Now also he is not responsible but not giving any types of torches. Instead not looking at our family. Not caring about the kids and me. Not taking care of finance. Not responsible for any home duties. I am going alone to market to buy household things, arranging drinking water, taking care of my kids, entertaining my kids at home, bringing my kids outside to park and beach by walk, cleaning the house, and so on by myself. My mom is helping me to cook. We both together cook. I find very hard to live as how I live now. And I am aware that islam didn't tell life-like this. Because Allah will bless only the women who is obedient to her husband. This is not possible in my case. I want jannah. I cannot live a life where I hate my husband. So decided to go for khula.

Because he is not even better. He is very bad. He always leave us. He is not at all willing to stay at home. He doesn't like to be with us in the time of distress. Even he is not interested to ask how is your health now if we suffer from any health problems? We are helpless. But I know well that Allah is always with us to help us and guide us. Insha Allah.

But I need so advice from muslim brothers and sisters on my matter. Please tell whether my decision of khula is acceptable or not. I am sincerely looking for the answer. Please guide me. Salaam

Sister-in-islam

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2 Responses »

  1. You know i think you must have bad husband and a bad father to his kids buy you choose him.

    Instead of going around looking for an excuse and advices for divorce try and work on your marriage try and save it speak to your husband. In islam there is alot you can read for situations like this.

    Look for reasons to save your marriage not ruin it.
    Its very easy to say you love someone but it takes alot of effort to make it work.

    Have you seen how many divorces are taking place these days.
    Try and follow our our PROPHET (PBUH) live the life he showed us by giving up and looking for excuses to divorce will never help rest is upto you its your life.

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    While divorce should never be taken lightly, if a relationship is irreparably damaged or two people are irreconcilably incompatible then it is an option.

    There is a hadith which reports that the wife of Thabit ibn Qays ibn Shamaas (ra) came to the Prophet (pbuh) and said that although she could find no fault in his character or faith, she found herself unable to stay with him - they were not compatible as a couple. The Prophet (pbuh) asked if she would be willing to return the mahr. When she agreed to this, the Prophet (pbuh) instructed Thabit (ra) to take back the mahr and divorce her.

    If you feel that there is a chance your relationship could be saved, it might be worth trying some marriage counselling before requesting khula, if you feel there might still be some love between you. That way you can maybe be more confident that your decision (whatever you decide) has been made with consideration for all the evidence available to you? It might also help your case for requesting khula (if you decide to proceed), as you can then inshaAllah demonstrate that you have tried all avenues available to you in order to try to resolve the problems between you both.

    Personally, I wouldn't want to be in a marriage with someone who acted in the ways you describe. Physical violence, emotional/psychological harm, not fulfilling his responsibilities, infidelity... No thanks. Nobody should have to endure these things. In my personal opinion, it's entirely reasonable for you to be considering khula in this situation.

    Before making any major decision such as this, it can be a good idea to pray istikhara - we have several articles on this subject which might be of interest to you (these can be accessed from the dropdown menu at the top of the page).

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

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