Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Need strength to leave haram relationship

guilt, guilty womanI have been involved in a relationship with a muslim boy for nearly a year now, I am muslim as well and we are both 22 years old. When I first met him I thought that he was going to be my future husband and so we started dating. I told him that I would never do anything physical with any guy unless he was my husband and he was fine with it.

However now we have done stuff together and I hate myself because of it. I feel realy disgusted and angry with myself. I have talked to him about marriage and he's told me that we might get married but his mom wants to choose his wife for him and if she doesnt accept me then he has to accept her choice or fight against her wishes but she would always be strongly against it. I understand that this is a difficult topic for him but it's left me feeling worse about the situation and I keep hoping that his mom may accept me or that we may have a future together.

I have been getting more involved in Islam and I feel so guilty about being physical with him without being married, thankfully we are both still virgins. I know that the best thing would be to leave this relationship but I just don't have the strength to do it. I keep praying to Allah to give me the strength to leave and allow me to be a better muslim because I know what I am doing right now is wrong.

I have alot of friends who are my age or older and are engaged or married and I feel jealous when I look at them because they are in stable, committed relationships with a guy that wants a future with them, they aren't a secret girlfriend. I guess I desperately need advice on what to do right now. I really need the strength to leave this relationship but somehow I just can't seem to leave him.

- flower_child

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36 Responses »

  1. Bismillahirahmaaniraheem.
    Assalamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullah my dear Sister in Islam.
    I’m a brother who has just read your post.
    I am touched by your regret and your desire to become a better person. There is a shining light in your heart. Please don’t hate yourself, but hate what you did, and what you are doing. Allah is calling you to Himself, now ask yourself, do you desire Allah more than anything, and anyone? I am sure you do. Find your hearts strength here my sister. You can make up for your mistakes, it is up to you now…right now.

    The meaning of the Glorious Qur’an 11:90 Ask pardon of your Lord and then turn unto Him (repentant). Lo! My Lord is Merciful, Loving.

    85:14 And He is the Forgiving, the Loving.

    InshaAllah, Allah Ar Rahmaan Ar Rahim, will forgive you, and purify you, He is Al-Ghafoor, He is Al-Wudood. Your experience has shown you the wisdom behind the teachings of Rasulallah (saw). Now rush my sister, rush in the opposite direction, and step back outside that boundary that you transgressed (you slipped into male friendship with the idea that this was o.k. because he would be your future (!) husband.)
    114:1 Say: I seek refuge in the Lord of mankind,
    114:4 From the evil of the sneaking whisperer,
    114:5 Who wispereth in the hearts of mankind,

    Be patient my sister, take time out for yourself, clear your mind, reflect on creation, do plenty of dhikr daily, recite/listen to the Qur’an, and avoid any activity/company that closes your mind to Allah. Just hand over your burdens to Allah – ask Him to take them, and watch Him fix your life InshaAllah. Trust in Him completely. Keep on speaking with Allah, always ask Him for guidance and strength in life. Perhaps your life is about to take a new turn, and this person wants to stay where he is. He is obviously not that serious about you, and you already have your doubts about him. It is all emotions, and you know it is. Ask Allah the knower of the unseen, to grant you whatever is best for you. But whatever you do, please step right outside that boundary that Allah and His Messenger would not like you to cross. Be mindful of Allah - things could have taken a worse turn, but Alhamdulillah they haven’t thus far. And believe me, you do have the strength. Then things will become clearer, and you will see people and things for what they truly are, inshaAllah.

    To Allah is the final destination, and He possesses the best things for you in this life, and the next.

    • Thank you brother Jamal for this very kind and encouraging answer.

      Wael Editor

      • aslam alaikum sister i was in a haram relationship for 1 month but i talked to the guy about everyday for abou 4 or 5 months also i ended it becuase of the guilt and knowing what i did was wrong, i have been feeling guilty everyday for about 2 months how do i get rid of the guilt i hat myself and feel horible for what i did it was only on the phone that we would conversate but once i got out of the house to see him without my hijab and kissed him on the cheek i want forgivness and i woant guilt to go away my parents or family do not noe also his male friend was their what should i do,i have been more religious and im proud of myself for that but i still feel guilty towards m,yself. and one more question when i get married should i tell my husband about what i have done
        what should i do jamal?

        • Maryam feeling guilty is ok and relise that allah subhanah wa taalah will forgive you if you ask for his forgiveness, learn from this experience and allow it to make you a better person!! Allah tests us and this was one of his tests!! Im very happy for you sister because now you are more religious and it has allowed you to be a better person!! I think you shouldn't tell your future husband because it is your past and your not that person anymore and it might also cause problems with your husband. Keep this to yourself because allah has concealed it and allowed you to move on!! Inshallah everything goes well for you maryam!!

    • Thank you so much for your kind words jamal!!!! I took your advise and i stepped away from the situation and turned to allah and just prayed daily for his guidance and he has gotten me through this hamdilah. He gave me an answer, and we are not together anymore, even though i miss him badly, im happy with things like this because allah knows what is best for me and im just going to keep asking for his help. I feel so much better now im out of a haram relationship!!!! And i also feel like this experience has bought me closer to my deen and to allah. I still feel guilty about what i have done and i deeply regret everything that has happened but now i just use this as a way to avoid doing any wrong because one mistake is enough, and i know im lucky to have been given a second chance to be a better person. Thank you so much again for your wise advice!!! It has ment so much to have your support!!! may allah be happy with you!!!

    • May Allah bless u 4 this reply. It has helped me too. May Allah Grant u a gud place at Jannah .ameen

    • Salamualaikum brother, I just read your post just now and am really touched with your response, I am a girl of 18 years old and currently memorizing the Quran, i met this old friend of mine one faithful morning, he's my friends elder brother. Since the day we met we started talking to each other and some how along the way it turned into a relationship, I've been trying to hide the truth saying what am doing isn't wrong because I told my mum about him and he also told his mum about me, we kept on seeing each other without any physical relationship, we tried out best to keep it right. But my ustadh (teacher) started noticing some changes in my progress in school and started observing me, I myself noticed that am no longer serious with my studies but I didn't know what to do because am in love with him. He tried coming to my house to introduce himself but I stopped him knowing that my parents wouldn't agree because am still studying (memorizing the Quran) they know once I start attaching myself to this relationship I wouldn't focus on my studies. I know he loves me sincerely and I also do,but I need to take him out and focus on my memorizing but I can't bring myself to do that. What can I do? Or better yet what should I do?

      • You are studying religious study you memorizing QURAN and if you connect with boy it is effect your life and faith ,first of all yiu should not talk with him without necessary but you did and now you should focus on study and never talk with him useless if he love you and also you love him say him send proposal for you and after that your family agree after that do nikah in this way you are halaal for each other and could be talk with each other if your family do not agree to this proposal you should forget him and before send proposal at your home you say to him do not come at your home it is best for you and also for his in this way you are both not involve in haraam relationship ,you should read ISTEGHFAAR AND DROOD SHARIF and make dua for help of ALLAH for forget him and spend time with family and spend time in positive activities when thoughts come in your mind about him read ISTEGHFAAR and DROOD SHARIF shytaan astray human and also he is trying astray you but you should stead fast and should be fail the plan of shytaan .Best of luck and pray for me

  2. I was in the exact position as u at the same age. Boyfriend was bengali me pakistani. Only difference between my situation n urs was he used to say we will definately marry and evrythin wd be ok with his parents yet he wd not tell them therefore i deduced there may be problems. Ill tell u wat happened-- i ddnt have the strength to let go but i knew it was wrong,this led to insecurities on my part, guilt and arguments. It ruined my self confidence bein a secret. The amount of arguments we had bcz he was scared to tell them but wdnt even admit to himself he was scared!!!! So i argued some more accepted his apologies and reasoning and kept goin round in circles. Then i would give ultimatums like ill leav u if u dont tell them. N then wud bak down and give him more time thats how weak i became. I am now 25. He told them half a year ago. They flat out refused and he said he couldnt go against them. Imagine how it feels to have waited n waited fir that.
    Basically i felt betrayed used and lied to but i knew it wasnt entirely his fault. His parents askd him to choose between us. And he loves me a lot n did the most he could i couldnt let him leave them either. Funny thing is after all this he wishes he had told them sooner. Now recently his parents have had a change of heart and came to see me. They r now contemplatin there next step. It cud go two ways they may still say no or say yes. The point in tellin u all this is if i could have stop sumone from feelin like me n makin my mistakes i need to advise them. U need to talk bout marriage seriously. Ask him if this is leadin to marriage if not leave him no further discussion. If he says he wants to marry u say u dont wanna commit haraam. Tell him to tell his parents. Give him a few weeks or so as an umtimatum to tell his parents. If he has not told them u leave him. Cut all ties. If he loves u he will do it specially if u let him live wothout u for those few weeks. Give him space without u. Finally this strength u talk about. U feel like ur not strong enuff but allah only tests u with wat u can deal with. Pray salaat read quran soend tym with family. They love u more than any boy. True love will develop after marriage even if u wer boyfriend n girlfriend b4 or not. Do not carry on a relationship that is not right in gods eyes. Even if u do wanna marry u need to stop all haraam activities.make the union halal. Please take my advice. Dont spoil ur innocence. Ur still very young. Allah swt always does wat is best n if u pray on tym and regular ur mind becomes peaceful.

    • Im so sorry to hear about your situation!!! I really hope his parents have accepted you!!! You sound like a really good person!!! Inshallah everything works out for you guys and if you do not end up with him, then inshallah allah brings you a man you are very happy with, one whos parents love you!!!

      Thank you for your advice!!! This topic has lead to so many fights between us and just like you guys, he said he would tell his parents but he never would and it really bought my self-esteem down and i was in a situation that i knew was wrong but couldnt get out off!! So most recently after breaking away from him for a while and praying regularly and asking allah for guidance i sat down and had a serious talk with him about this topc and he told me it was best to end this relationship as his parents would never accept me (he came to this conclusion without ever asking them). It hurt really badly to hear him say that and it made me relise he didnt love me, how much of a mistake all of this was and a huge regret but i have accepted it because this is a blessing in disguse from allah. Hamdillah i knew this earlier rather then later. All of this has definately bought me to the conclusion that im not ever goin to come close to a union like this ever again.

      • U can read the update on my situation titled pakistani bengali marriage. Trust me uv really done the right thing. Some thing i should hav done myself. I hope u prosper in ur life without him ameen x x

  3. Dear if he really loved you, he would have convinced his parents. He was a bad influence on you coz u started to do haraam things with him.

    PLEASE dont fall weak infront of him. He is not worth it. You should be strong and let Allah be ur everythn in this life, only then u can be really happy. I hate it when guys enter a relationship and then become puppets of their parents. They should think bot all that before getting involved.

    Its better to do istakhara as well and pray tahajut( mid nite prayer), its the most powerful prayer and you will see a good change in ur life. U r talkin about ur friends who r happily married or engaged, well all i can say is some ppl hide their sorrows in their smiles while others hide in their eyes. U dont know if they r really happy or not and if they are, then u shud feel happy for them.

    Life is not easy but once you have faith in God, u dun need anyone else. Not even him...
    Make ALLAH ur strength and find peace in ur life thru prayers and helping others.


  4. Alhumdulilah that Allah saved you from this situation. I am really pleased for you sister, it will be difficult as your missing him. But be strong and know that InshaAllah theres light at the end of the tunnel!

    Pain and suffering only become negative if it becomes a barrier between you and Allah. But it becomes positive and a motivation for you when it brings you back to Allah. Im sure you know all of this - but I having been through a similar situation myself few years ago and needed more words ot encouragement at the time it ended, and didnt get them by family. I admire the strength that Allah has given you at this time that you could leave him alhumdulilah. I did not have th strength to leave him - we used to just argue all the time as he was always trying to bring me towards haraam and as the time went on i just felt more and more guilty. But I didnt leave i just issued ultimation upon ultimation and he never listened. We just went back on forth from sorting things out to blazing rows, and yes the guilt was killing me. Basically we dragged it out for a month. I tried leaving he came back said he was sorry and cried, and hed go back to his old ways. In the end the arguments got so much (i thought he would hit me) he left me and came back, i stayed away from him from a while and thats how we split. Alhumdulilah i was so thankful I stil virgin after it, but i regret it so much. What I did is i tried to turn it into a 'positive' thing. Went back to Allah, repented, learned all the stuff that my ex would not let me learn when I was with him. This lets you see how things could have been

    So you have done the right thing. Even though I didnt end it - I consider staying away frm him as the best decision I took in my life. As long as you keep away from him and be strong youl be fine InshaAllah. That man was not serious.

    I also realised people come and go, and let us down, but Allah is always here. We are the stubborn ones who walk away and refuse His help. SubhanAllah. May Allah bring you and all of us closer to Him and forgive us all.

  5. dear flower_child,

    what can i say, reading your post and many other replies, i realise there are many sisters who are in my situation..... Myself i am going through the exact same situation - 3 years relationship, we loved each other deeply obviously physicality will come with it - we both would regret and promise never to do it again but fell victims to the Shaitaan's whisperings (Allah taala protected us both to an extend that we are still virgins).... I knew his family, kept going to his house, meeting his elder brother and sister (who knew about us) and his mom - who is such a honourable lady and so Mashallah good and steadfast in her Deen... unfortunately his father has passed away when he was young so I admire his mom for being alone in a country outside her home country and taking this decision to support her 3 children alone and taking care of them so their studies will not be affected....His mom i believe would have some idea about us, as she knew i was his friend and kept going to their house every weekend....i use to feel some positive vibe about that that if he talks abt us - his mom knows me and knows my nature and that i love them so dearly Inshallalh she will accept me...

    I am 23 now... 2010 i saw all my friends getting married to their boyfriends or atleast trying to make their relationship Halal, i started pushing him to tell him mom as brother and sister knew everything....i will not go into details but all i can say is - He said if he would even mention it to his mom - she would feel hurt and maybe break down, he has only his mom as his elder and support as his dad is no longer hayaat.... Finally i accepted that he will never tell his mom and take the plunge (all those positive vibes about his mom might accept me did not matter as he is just not ready to talk) and i have developed so much respect and love for his mom that even i did not force him and took the decision that we should end it fro many reasons - 1) save us fromt he haraam things we were doing and the haraam relationship for the sake of Allah taala, 2) to save his mom from feeling any kind of hurt....- this my sister is my truest feelings i felt when i took the decision....

    Sister there is a blessing in everything - especially when you have to let go of something when you do not want too...I got closer to Allah taala, my deen as Salaah and Quraan are my only ways of feeling friends have got married so i hav no contact with them.... I got closer to my mom and dad....

    There are times when i feel really low and i miss him as I know for sure he loves me.. and recently found out he has been saving up our memories together as the love of his life.....I pray if Allah taala did make him for me and developed so much love for me in his heart...den Allah taala will give him strength to tell his mom and his mom inshallah knowing me might accept....and if nothing of this happens Its fine..... coz I am hoping and praying desparately that Allah taala is with me, accepting my regret and helping me cope with life....

    I think about my future whether i will get married or not.... whether i should go back to him and persuade him some more and eventually he willl agree...alll these thoughts come in my mind, but i try to keep myself strong...if Allah taala Wills for us to be together He makes ways which we cannot even imagine.. and if Allah taala does NOT Willl....den even if i hold my lover's hand the entire time and be together with him - we will never be together at all....

    I cannot advice you anything my sister - i am just sharing my experience As today i have no friends, and only a loving mother and father Alhamdulilahhhhhh they are my greatest gift from Allah taala who in course of 3 years I hurt alot ..May Allah taala forgive me........

    • I can really feel your pain sister!!! and reading your post made me cry because i understand completely how your feeling!!! Its so hard to love someone but they don't truely love you!!! It so easy to say " i love you" but it doesn't always mean its true or with pure intentions!! If this guy loved you he would have no problem telling his mom because he would want a halal relationship with you and not one that is haram!!! I know his mom is a single mom and mashallah she seems to be doing a good job but wouldn't a muslim mother be happier that her son wants a halal relationship with a muslim girl shes knows then a haram one with a girlfriend?? I've learnt alot from this experience and if a guy loves allah then he'll put him first and his desires second. He's going to respect you and himself enough to want to be with you in a halal relationship where everyone knows about you two as husband and wife (or atleast engaged)!! NOT boyfriend and girlfriend where he can enjoy your body but keep you as a secret!!! Sister i think you have done the right thing by not being in a relationship with this guy anymore!!! I know you love him but if he isn't going to fight for you and respect you enough to want you to be his wife then he don't deserve you!! Since the relationship between me and my ex ended it's been a really hard time for me but the one thing thats keep me going is that knowlegde that allah has better plans because i couldn't stand being a secret girlfriend!! i would look around and see all my friends with there husbands and fiances in halal relationships and know that what i had was wrong!!! Pray to allah because he will be the only one that will be here for us no matter what!!! I just think your a really amazing person to be able to put your love for allah first and leave this relationship!!! it was the most difficult decision i had to make in my life because i loved my guy sooo much but if you love allah subhana wa taalah first then he will always have your best interest in hand and remember that even though we may think something is good for us it might actually be bad and we may think something is bad for us it is actually good!! God bless you sister!!!

  6. I guess I am not the only one. I want to be a good muslim, but I feel weak. I need strength to stop talking to a boy. I had cut off all ties for 6 months, but he came back, and now its become harder. I know this is wrong, i need to turn away from this and Please Allah (swt) just need the strength.

    • As salamu alaykum, Sana,

      Ask Allah(swt) for the strength you need to follow the straight Path, you have a lot to loose, you can do it, you deserve the best.

      If this boy doesn´t know what it is good for you, you know he is not being good for you, a man that approachs to you in a sinful way doesn´t respect you as a muslim and as a woman, stay away from him as much as you can, If he mentions" love" you can remind him of the right steps to get to you. With this kind of action this man is avoiding that any other man with straight intentions come close to you.

      Please, don´t let anybody play with you, keep yourself for a straight man with a straight Heart.

      Look for the Strength where the Strength lies on, go to your Heart and pray Allah(swt) to hold you, your thoughts are already with him, now it is time for your actions.

      I know you can do it.

      All my unconditional Love and Respect,


      • Sister Maria, i think your comment is so wise and i agree with it!! thanks for the good advice!!

        Sana your a good muslim because you know what your doing is wrong, allah is giving you a sign that your going down the wrong path and it can be really hard to let this guy go but do you really think he respects you or wants a future together? only you know the answer to this question and maybe you need to talk to him about this!! Allah has given us rules for a reason and they are for our benefit, alot of times we push his rules and don't folllow them until it is too late and we relise we have made a mistake and that the rules allah his given us benefit us!! I think you should try to strength your relationship with allah and ask him to help you in this situation!!! He will guide you but sometimes we just have to be patient!! Wishing you all the best!! God bless!!

        • Salaams Flower Child,

          It is so nice to know you are doing better, thank you very much for sharing your story and your sweet Heart.

          All my Unconditional Love and Respect,


  7. I am also in a relationship that is haram right now, as i am typing this, my heart is sooo heavy, i am just not myself because i want to leave him, i am really crazy about him but am scared of Allah, i have been in too many Haram relationships i feel like am the worse person on earth, i feel like i am going to die now, what will i tell Allah when i die? i dont want to be in trouble with Allah. ALhamdulillah Allah has called me to the light, i have really changed my ways totally to the extent that i dont even listen to music! i am still a virgin, i just want to get out of haram relationships! i want to marry in the halal way. please someone encourage me, tell me what to do. SubhanAllah.

    • Jamila, please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you.

      Wael Editor

    • It doesn't have to be this way, there are many sisters who were in your situation and reformed, Alhumdulilah. Leave your lifestyle turn to Allah, repent and change. Do not despair. No person's sins can exceed His Mercy. Please do log in and post a question so we can offer you more advice InshaAllah.

      Sara Editor

  8. Salamz! am currently in the situation as u (flower_girl) i regret evrytn wt i did bt in ma case ma bf tld abt our relationship 2 his parents and they lke me as well plus he is a good guy he wnt evr leave me for any reasn i knw tht 4 sure! bt i still fl guilty becuase haram z haram n ma parents dsn knw abt t yet! i cnt tink of marryn anuthr guy also coz i vl fl guitly 4evr! i tink i shld tlk to maparents as well bt thr vry strict n luks 4 status (money) 🙁 bt dz situation n regret of hvn a bf made me get vry closer 2 Allah nw i had evn quit music n movies! i pray 5 times as well! da prsn hu mstly made me pray was ma bf bt we did wrng things 2getha dtz wt makes me fl bad! i dnt knw wt am suppose 2 do! cn any1 plz hlp me? i tink of dz n cry almost evrydai! 🙁

    • Fathima, if you want people to understand you then you need to write in normal English, with proper spelling. And please register and write your question as a separate post.

      Wael Editor

  9. Asalamu alikum i wAnt to share my story with you guys but please please please brothers and sister pray for me i am suffering very badly i am in need of help i have been in a haram relationship with someone in england and i live in canada for 6 years when i met this guy he was very nice but he was not a birtish citizen and he couldnt come to see me and i couldnt too because my family wouldnt allow me too so i am very hurt because i borrowed money from my visa card to buy phone cards to call him and send him clothe and stuff cuz he didnt have a job now i owe $4000 to my visa card that my parent doesnt know about and i cant pay it back because i am a student and work just 2 days in a week i am a having a hard time i tried took so many pills and got really sick but alhamdulila i made tawba and i stoped doing that now the guy is changed and he said i dont want you anymore but he promised me that he will never leave me and he will get married with me its been a long time that i have been deeply in love with him and i cant stop loving him i want to marry him because i love him so much i still call him and he gets mad and hangs up on me and ignors me i have gotten in so much trouble from my family cuz they didnt want me to talk to him and i never stoped until i convenced my mom please brothers and sister pray that he becomes a better person and he accepts me and we get married together please please please cuz i love him i really am sick and i cant stop talking to him only Allah can help me with this i have tried to see so many different doctors nothing is helping me i really want to be with him i pray and fast and make so much dua i know this is haram and i wish i never did it cuz i am so lonely and sick cuz he left me and broked all his promises may Allah make all of you happy and shower u with love and happiness in this world and the next jazakallah to all those who read this and make dua for me please dont forget that i am really in need of help from Allah

    • Narjes, please log in and write your question as a separate post so we can answer it properly Insha'Allah. My short answer to you is, you have been manipulated and used by this man who does not care about you, and you know it. He is not going to suddenly change and become a loving and decent person. End your relationship with him and cut off your contact with him completely, as difficult as that may be. Go to your parents and tell them the truth and ask for their help in paying off the Visa card.

      Wael Editor

  10. Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters...

    (I deleted the rest of your comment. I'm sorry for what you are going through, but you need to log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - Editor)

  11. My name is mohamed am 22yrs old i have in a realation-ship for 3yrs and which is not halaal i want break this relationship cz evn my girlfrnd was not faithful to me i want back to ALLAH For forgivnes bt how can i leave my girlfrnd? Plz help

  12. iv been in a relationship for nearly 5yrs.. Its a long distance relationship so we hardly see much of each other.. We were both serious about getting married etc. He still is.. But I just dont feel the same anymore. I told a family member about it she said my parents wouldn't ever come round to it.. So that was another reason why i could never do it as id never go against my parents.. But I dont know how to break things with him as i feel he still feels the same towards me.. I feel if i listen to my parents and do what they will (they wont do anything I don't agree to) i feel my marriage will never be successful because he will feel as if i lead him on which i did not do.. Its just something i feel nothing towards anymore. Iv told him about the situation he said just wait with time your parents will come round to it... But its not something I desperately want anymore I'm happy to go ahead with what my parents want. But i feel as if i will never be happy as I am leaving him uphappy? What do i do? 🙁

  13. am in a haram relationship. .I did istikahra and my heart started to divert from him..I am started to came towards deen..we did unlawful things..I regret ..I feel so guilty that I think I should kill myself...I wana leave everything for Allah. .but its hard since thoughts are coming that iam no pure I wont get a Islamic husband. .my sins will get revealed in front of him..I dnt know what to do. Plz help..shitan is giving me thoughts dnt leave him he ll suffer..u ll make his life miserable. ..and I told him tht iam quitting this relationship and he is going through depression and one thing v important I have strong issues with his family..plz help

    • In the world people are facing so many problems like this..i thught only i face it..ya allah protect all of us from what is haram and give us what is halal

  14. I hav one question..

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