Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I need to know if it is a normal marriage

Controlling Father

Controlling Husband

I know it's very long, but please be patient with it.

I got married more than three years ago, and live in a different country from my parents. We don't have any relatives here, just my husband's friends. I need to know if my reasons for considering a divorce are valid enough, because when I got married I was really young- not even 20- and suddenly my husband's facts and opinions are the only ones I remember and think are correct. I have adopted so much from his nature that I don't have my own opinions and perspective anymore. So I need to know if what's happening to me is normal.

Even though I don't get to meet my family because they are overseas, I am still not allowed to talk to them often over the phone or skype. I have to ask him for permission before I call my family, which is more like a log book to me. I call my parents once or twice a month only, and skype varies from once a month to once in 3 months. He thinks the more I talk to them the worse it is for our marriage. The first year I got here (as in abroad) I was not allowed to skype with my parents. Even though we skyped with his family and showed our kid and stuff, Icouldn't talk to mine. I didnt say anything. After almost a year, he himself said that I could talk to my parents. I am not allowed to talk to my other relatives, my cousins or even friends. I could only email. Only since couple of months ago I got the permission to talk to my friends occasionally. Otherwise I am just supposed to stay home alone with three kids aged 2 and under (we had twins), and go crazy without talking to anyone. Even when he comes home, he is busy with sports, current affairs and religious videos and stuff. And if I ask him to talk to me, he gets mad and says "don't try to change me or restrict me. Let me do what I wanna do".

We had a couple of discussions about how he doesn't give me time, even though I only have him to talk to. He does say that he would get better, but that doesn't last long and eventually things fall back to routine. I mean, I SO wanna ask whats the use of listening too all the religious stuff, when you're not even fair to your wife?

During the first few months of our new marriage, he passed lots of sarcastic comments and sometimes direct comments too on how I didnt bring enough dowry. We had already told them that we can't afford to give much because my brother had gotten married the same year I got married, and my parents just didn't have that kind of money to spend on me again so soon. And since I got married within a week of getting the proposal from their insistance, my family couldn't arrange that kind of stufff so quickly. Still, he has taunted me quite a few times about it.

He talks to my parents like he is talking to his collegues- formal and firm. Behind them he also makes fun of them, and criticises them rudely in front of me. Once he said, :did they come from a jungle, that they don't know how to treat a son in law?" And some more stuff too that just angers me even thinking about it.

A few months after my twins were born, my mum was planning to come and stay with us for some time to help me. I asked him to invite her once himself and he did, but when I told him that she needs some help with a couple of questions of application form, he said, "Why can't someone else there help her, I have already explained her the whole applying procedure once. She should do something herself, too. We cant do the whole procedure for her". In his opinion nobody can complain as long as he is keeping me happy, even if he doesn't let her stay with us as long
I couldnt take so much disrespect, and secretly asked my mum not to come without telling her everything. When he got to know about it, he started saying why would you do that, I didn't say this, I didn't say that etc etc etc. I am just suffocating from all the restrictions.

Whenever I want to go to the parlour, we get into a big argument over it. He doesnt wanna take me. He thinks it's too soon, and it's just not good to go so much, and whats the point etc etc. I don't even go too often, only when it gets to the limit of being so bad that I start to get conscious (even around him, because of my facial conditions that need to be treated), then only I ask him for it. And I just get the basic stuff done that is REALLY needed. No mani/pedi. No facial cleansing, no hair dye stuff. Just the basic necessity that is from a very affordable place that I found. Even then, he acts as if I am asking for too much. It's just embarrassing to tell him why I need to go every time.

We have a smart tv at our home because he liked it and wanted to buy a big smart tv, but when I wanted us to buy a tablet (yes, I wanted it, but it was supposed to be for borh of us), he said no. Just one thing I liked, and I never asked him to get me any fancy stuff. I never asked for a fancy phone even though he had one and I didn't. but I didn't care, I don't even get a pocket money kinda thing, but just this one thing I wanted because I like to read so I thought a tablet would be good. I found a great deal online, too. At first he agreed and said yes, but later he said no because according to him it would not have good impact on kids. They will see me using it all the time, and thats not good.

I don't care that he said no, but isn't it double standards what he said? Tv, he doesnt mind. Hes fine with that, but this? It's not good. Isn't is double standards, or am I getting bitter about everything?

We have never entered into a major fight regarding these problems because I don't say anything. I just cant. As soon as I would try to talk to him about this stuff, his tone gets high, he gets angry and very defensive, doesn't accept anything and eventually I regret even talking about it.

He's very skeptical about everything, too. If I keep looking in one direction, he makes sure he knows what I am looking at. During the first few months of our marriage, he complained to me that he caught me looking at other men. I mean come on? Really?
He's always double checking and cross questioning me just to make sure I am telling the truth. Because of that I have lost confidence in myself when I talk, though after getting married I got better religiously but internally I am very disturbed. I feel like nobody believes what I say. He just doesn't trust me.

Even when I buy a novel, I have to show it to him and he has to approve it for me before buying it. I feel like it's more like a mother/daughter relationship than a husband/wife one. I am always asking him permission if I can buy this, read that, call her etc. for petty issues. Sometimes I get so nervous and scared of asking for something, that I just don't. When he is in a good mood and it's convenient, he makes me feel like it's all in my head. He says things like "yes, talk to your friend, you need social activity too, right. You have a right to it. You have a right over me and my time and I'll give you more time".

But it's all talk and talk. It must sound typical coming from a wife that 'my husband doesn't give me time', but people with kids would understand how difficult it is to raise 3 kids under 2 years of age on your own, cook food, wash dishes, do laundry, clean up house, clean up after him, make all the calls (like for bills, internet, real estate etc). I do everything I am supposed to do and even more, without his help. Yes, he doesnt help. He has helped me when he just felt like it which is once in a blue moon maybe, when he was in the mood. But other than that he doesn't even help when we had dinner parties for his friends at our place during my multiple pregnancy, and I used to cook, clean, watch our eldest and he was just not available to help me. And trust me with twins, it used to hurt to even stand, let alone do all the work. Even in my eighth month. According to him, he told me to take it easy and don't cook much. Yup. BIG help!

Trust me I do whatever he says, whenever he says. We dont fight like a normal couple because I don't complain or misbehave with him, and I am being completely honest to you about it. I just can't start an argument, because even our light discussions change his tone and anger him, so how can I fight? I am just too 'scared of him'. Yup, that's the word. I shouldn't be, but I am.

It might seem like a VERY long and boring rant to you that I just had to take out of my system ,but really I really am in need of a solution. I can't seem to take the 'ending-this-relationship' option out of my mind. Even though I am very close to my siblings, I can't discuss it with them either because I'm just too scared of my husband that he wouldn't like it. Please help me.

PS: Honestly we have good days too, when we all go out. But when we come home, he instantly opens his pc because he spent so much time with me, so I shouldn't complain anymore. Even these 'good days' don't take out all the negative stuff from my mind now. So please HELP!


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26 Responses »

  1. Your husband is controlling. You are right that he is treating you more like a parent treats a child. He is not treating you like his life partner whom he should treat with love, respect, nurturing and understanding.

    From what you are describing, this person's controlling nature is on the spectrum of a personality disorder. He is not going to change. I'm sorry to say that. I have some experience with an individual exactly like this in my own family. Unless he receives therapy, he is not going to change. You may wish to speak to a therapist about how to change YOUR behaviour so that he he slowly reacts in a more favourable way. As you have been married for 3 years now, and you have not put up any resistance, he knows he can say and do what he wants with you.

    You have 3 children now, and presumably you don't have an independent source of income for yourself. You have to make some hard decisions, because if you do leave him life will be very very hard for you and your children. Will he even allow you to take your children? You may have to decide to stick with the marriage until your children are older; after all, you are not being abused physically. I am not saying that to belittle you or diminish the seriousness of this situation, because truly I read your post and I could understand immediately what type of individual this is. Is there any way to have a family member, such as an older sibling or your parents, come to live in your city? At least you will have a source of support. And perhaps you can make friends with other young mothers in your community -- surely he can't object to that, especially if they are all muslim? Please try to find small ways to inject some source of support into your life. You dont' deserve to be isolated this way, nor treated this way.

  2. What do you mean by your family couldn't give enough dowry? Are you serous? In Islam it's the man who gives the woman her dowry... Your husband comes from a very backwards family and YES!!! He's very controlling. May allah swt help you out of this situation ameen

  3. salaam,

    how could anyone tell you not to speak with your parents? surely if you told your husband not to speak to his parents, would he like it? some people are so selfish only thinking about their own gain. your husband seems like a total control freak. I would advise you to tell your parents and his parents of what is actually going on. don't suffer in silence and definitely don't just bow down to whatever he says you to do. the husband should help with the cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids and should make all the calls himself (like for bills, internet, real estate etc).

    looking after kids all day without interacting with anyone is very difficult. I know although I may not be a mother lol. its a 24/7 job. tell your husband to take care of them for 1 day, then he would realize.

    also the dowry comes from the husband not the wife. seems like all those religious videos maybe for show.

    ma salama..

    how I didnt bring enough dowry.
    2]He talks to my parents like he is talking to his collegues- formal and firm. Behind them he also makes fun of them, and criticises them rudely in front of me
    3]Even when I buy a novel, I have to show it to him and he has to approve it for me before buying it....



    THEN YOU CAN THINK OF I can't seem to take the 'ending-this-relationship' option out of my mind....
    Dua’s to Remove Depression and Worries
    If we are feeling depressed, we should strengthen our belief in Allah and predestination (Qada wa Qadar) and recite these supplication for depression and worries.
    It was narrated that Suhayb said: the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
    “How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for all his affairs are good, and this applies to no one except the believer. If something good happens to him, he gives thanks, and that is good for him, and it something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience, and that is good for him.”
    (Narrated by Muslim, 2999)
    1. It was reported that the Prophet (PBUH) used to recite this Dua:
    اللّهُـمَّ رَحْمَتَـكَ أَرْجـوفَلا تَكِلـني إِلى نَفْـسي طَـرْفَةَ عَـيْن، وَأَصْلِـحْ لي شَأْنـي كُلَّـه لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أنْـت
    “O Allah, I hope for Your mercy. Do not leave me to myself even for the blinking of an eye (i.e. a moment). Correct all of my affairs for me. There is none worthy of worship but You.” (Abu Dawud 4/324, Ahmad 5/42. Al-Albani graded it as good in Sahih Abu Dawud 3/959.)
    2. In al-Saheehayn it was reported from Ibn ‘Abbaas that the Messenger of Allaah (Peace and Blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to say, when he felt distressed:
    لا إلَهَ إلاَّ اللَّهُ الْعَظـيمُ الْحَلِـيمْ، لا إلَهَ إلاَّ اللَّهُ رَبُّ العَـرْشِ العَظِيـمِ، لا إلَهَ إلاَّ اللَّهُ رَبُّ السَّمَـوّاتِ ورّبُّ الأَرْضِ ورَبُّ العَرْشِ الكَـريم
    “La ilaaha ill-Allaah al-‘Azeem ul-Haleem, Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb il-‘arsh il-‘azeem, Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb is-samawaati wa Rabb il-ard wa Rabb il-‘arsh il-kareem”
    “There is no god except Allaah, the All-Mighty, the Forbearing; there is no god except Allaah, the Lord of the Mighty Throne; there is no god except Allaah, Lord of the heavens, Lord of the earth and Lord of the noble Throne.” (Al-Bukhari 8/154, Muslim 4/2092, )
    4. It was reported that Asmaa’ bint ‘Umays (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to me:
    “Shall I not teach you some words to say when you feel distressed?
    اللهُ اللهُ رَبِّ لا أُشْـرِكُ بِهِ شَيْـئاً
    ‘Allaah, Allaah, Rabbee laa ushriku bihi shay’an’
    You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety”
    Allaah will take away his sorrow and grief, and give him in their stead joy.” (Ahmad 1/391)

    اللّهُـمَّ رَحْمَتَـكَ أَرْجـوفَلا تَكِلـني إِلى نَفْـسي طَـرْفَةَ عَـيْن، وَأَصْلِـحْ لي شَأْنـي كُلَّـه لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا أنْـت
    “O Allah, I hope for Your mercy. Do not leave me to myself even for the blinking of an eye (i.e. a moment). Correct all of my affairs for me. There is none worthy of worship but You.” (Abu Dawud 4/324, Ahmad 5/42. Al-Albani graded it as good in Sahih Abu Dawud 3/959.)

  5. Assalam alaikum Sister,

    I am really very sorry to hear about the problems that you are facing in your marriage, which is supposed to be a sanctuary for both husband and wife. May Allah improve your situation, Ameen.

    I thought I may suggest to you a few options that are available to you:

    1. Stay with your husband and do nothing. This will ultimately create a worse situation as time goes on. You will feel emotionally hurt (and no one will be able to see it), your children will probably face some type of emotional abuse or even neglect as both parents will be in their own tug-of-war. I don't think anyone would recommend you to stay living this way.

    2. Stay with your husband, but share your problems with a counsellor and/or your parents. I am not sure how much your parents can help you because sometimes, depending on the culture, this can backfire because if they see you having a relatively good life, they may not support you at all. Emotional abuse is so painful, not only because of how it feels, but because close ones don't even validate it. You will have to be very strong in this case and not get confused when your husband tries to make you think "it is all in your head." Be confident in your thinking.

    3. Lastly, there is always the option of leaving your husband. But, out of the three, this isn't the easiest by far. I am sure you know what this would mean and the challenges you would face. You could start off by a separation period during which time he would have to seek counselling. Really, for your relationship to improve, it will have to begin with him acknowledging his unacceptable behaviour and if he doesn't, it will never get better.

    I sense from your email that knowing if this is normal or not was very important to you - so, no, this is not normal and life with your husband shouldn't be like this. I pray that your situation improves and that Allah eases your difficulties. Pray to Allah a lot.

    • If, you are married, or when you get married would you bear all this for your kids?

      • Dear Sister,

        What I would do doesn't matter because it is your situation that we are discussing. If you leave, you should understand the challenges that you will have and if you decide this route, then make sure you follow through. It is best to be practical and look at what is best for your children. Staying with an abusive spouse isn't the best for children. I can't make the choice for you. However, since you asked me point-blank, I most likely would weigh the three options I mentioned and after trying my best, and nothing changed, I would make the choice to leave. That is me and what I can handle--I don't know if it reflects exactly what would be best for you.

  6. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister, Muslim Mother,

    In my opinion your reasons for considering divorce are valid. You have the right to receive love and support from your family through regular communication and visits, especially parents and siblings, as long as they are not encouraging or influencing you in an un-Islamic way. You have the right NOT to be treated like a prisoner. Although he has the right to your obedience, he has been warned by Allah swt and His messenger saws that you are in his (your husband's) charge, and he must be kind to you. Kindness to wives is no trivial matter. When they are quiet and obedient like yourself, Masha'Allah, oppression quickly and easily prevails in the absence of kindness. And he has NO right to any dowry from you, but owes you your dowry.

    Do you have a plan for how you will proceed? Are you prepared to move back home and live with your parents? My advice is that you should involve your father and brother/s. Your father should issue him a warning that if he does not change then your family will pursue divorce. Very regular contact with your parents should be insisted upon. During the waiting period (the time in which you determine your husband’s intention or ability to change), you should pray to Allah to change your husband’s heart for the sake of your family. You should also pray Istikhara to seek guidance from Allah regarding the matter. If staying is better for you, Allah will change him and make your life happy, Insha'Allah. But if staying is not good for you, Allah will surely make a way out for you, Insha'Allah.

    Your father’s warning is important. Your husband should be given the opportunity to correct his ways. He may change. He may not. If he does not change you may want to continue on the path to emancipation (obtaining your freedom) in secret, with the help of your father and the local authorities.

    During the time you have given your husband to correct himself, your family should prepare financially for your travel. It is better to be prepared. Depending on what country you live in they may need to prepare legally as well by contacting a lawyer (practicing in the country you live in), the local authorities and embassies. The importance of legal preparation and involving the authorities is not to get your husband in trouble (in fact it is my hope that he would not be made aware of the involvement of the authorities or lawyer at all), but to make it possible for you to leave- and leave with the children. This brings me to the next issue which in my mind and heart is the biggest and most pressing issue. I almost refrained from advising you that divorce is an option because of this. It is the issue of the children. If I thought there was no way for you to leave with your children then I would suggest that you stay. But I think with vigilant preparation on the part of your family you can leave with them, but remember even if you do make it out of the country with the children, when you return to your parents’ home you will need to contact an Imam, as there are issues regarding the custody of the children which he will need to explain to you. Maybe you will want to have your parents’ visit their local Imam before you proceed at all, so you know what is ahead of you. Even if you leave with the children, there is the issue of the father’s custodial rights, and what they are according to your madhab.

    If you have any discussions with your husband about the children leaving with you, you should keep them very short and simple. Do not argue with him. He may say, ‘if you leave you cannot take the children’. Be ready for this and stay calm. It is his practice to use your fear against you. Simply tell him that you do not challenge his right to the children. Tell him you only want to take the children because they are young and they need you at this time, BUT if he must have the children at this young age, then he can keep them. You are still leaving. This is not your intention, but this is the counter to his attack on your heart. In the meantime your family will be working on securing their safe travel with you. My logic tells me that when he sees you are really going, he will consent to you taking the children. You live in a country with no family. What is he going to do with three babies? The children should be with you while they are young. The case may change when they get older, but this is the information your parents must get from their Imam, and as I said before you may want to get this information before you proceed even a single step more.

    Sister, this is just a plan and a strategy I am suggesting, but it is Allah Who is the Best of Planners, and everything is in the hands of Allah. If it is not in Allah's plan that you should emancipate yourself from this marriage in a short time, or at all, what will you do? I see you, my sister, as a prisoner, and I think, 'In the case where she cannot free herself, what is the most complete advice that will bring her peace in any and every possible outcome?' The answer is Allah- your relationship with Allah.

    You wrote, "though after getting married I got better religiously but internally I am very disturbed." You need to start here and improve on this. Your religious practices and remembrance of Allah (dhikr) should bring peace and tranquility to your heart. Instead of getting your husband's approval for novels, get books that will increase your Islamic knowledge. I always suggest books and articles written about the wives (ra) of the Prophet saws, and books about Hazrat Maryam (ra), Khadijah bint Khuwaylid (ra), Fatima our Prophet's daughter (ra), and Asia bint Mazahem (ra) the adopted mother of Musa (as). Learn about the valiant women of Islam, and in them find your strength and identity. Read the Holy Quran (a site for reading), (a site for listening), and Hadiths Pray salaat (five times daily). When you can, wake up in the night to pray (tahajjud). Would your husband allow you to take Islamic classes online? If your husband does not allow you to go online regularly then ask him to buy you dvds and cds with religious discussions and lectures.

    May Allah strengthen your iman in Him. May He guide you and protect you and your children, and change your husband's heart.

    • Thank you for taking out time to write such a helpful reply. You said I should do istikhara but Allah doesnt like divorce, so dont you think He would not encourage me to take that path if i do istikhara. I am just worried about that. Also I read it somewhere that if husband wants, he can stop his wife from meeting and talking to her family and wife needs to obey. Is it true, if yes, then religiously my husband is not doing anything wrong.

      And i absolutely agree that i should buy religious books instead of novels.

  7. Sister,

    At this point in your relationship, you have become passive. Your inaction's allow your husband to treat you the way he does. By not speaking up for yourself, you only give your husband more power to dominate you even more than he already does. You can be an assertive woman and a respectful wife at the same time. May Allah give you the strength to stand tall and take a stand for yourself. Your opinions as well as your thoughts are just as important as those of your husbands.


  8. Lord have mercy on you because u have so much patiance, cos I promise u I would put that man in his place and he would either keep me as I am or leave me. That's not a marriage its jail or somethijg . Smh I can't believe man like that exist I mean I thought my father was crazy cos he would tell my mom not to hang out with a certain friend becos he didnt like her. Or she would work and he would take her money and when she wanted to spend it he would fuss about it. I always felt sorry for her cos ain't not man gonnna treat me like a slave . or like his my master. Especially if u live in America Ur husband cannot control u like that. I say u stop being scared of him his only human, his only a man, break all his rules talk to Ur parents and friends all u want and if he gets smart tell him he needs to respect Ur rights he'll get mad but eventually he will get over it. stop fearing him

    • But what if he says he's religiously allowed to stop me from talking to my family. What would I say then?

      • That he is not allowed to! That's it. Because he really has no right to stop you from talking to your family. You have to speak up for yourself. Be brave and don't let him do this to you.

  9. Thank you Precious star, Ukhty, Ahmad, Ali Yousuf, Rema, Hana, Najah and Saba for taking out time to read my post and commenting on it. I really needed to know how normal it is in marriage. I need to boost up my confidence and take a stand. Or atleast change myself. i hope Allah helps me with that. Thank you for all the duas.

    • AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister Muslimmother,

      The hadith that says Allah hates divorce is weak, and some scholars even say it is fabricated. However, its meaning when interpreted for certain divorces is true. For example, if there are ways to fix things in your marriage, then fixing them would be better than a divorce (and there are other evidences for this). However, the situation will depend on what exactly is going on in your marriage. Looking at your situation from outside, we see that you are being abused emotionally. And emotional abuse is even more dangerous that physical abuse, as it could lead to future physiological damages and other serious effects.

      Some scholars looked at the husband's rights upon his wife and then said, he can prevent his wife from seeing his family entirely. However, other scholars looked at her parent's rights upon her, and then said she must be allowed to visit her parents as long as they are not influencing her in an un-Islamic way - this is the most acceptable opinion.

      Part of the good characters that we look for in a person before marrying them, is kindness and compassion (when a man prevents his wife from meeting and talking to her family for no sound reasons, it signifies the lack of kindness and compassion). Honestly if my daughter is in such a situation (like yourself), I will insist that the husband changes his behavior or else she will get divorced from him. I trusted his deen and characters when giving my daughter to him, and then I found out later that he is not what he claimed to be! I will make sure my daughter is separated from him out of fear of what could happen next in the future. If he has any good intention, then why is he pretending to be good at my presence, and then abusing my daughter behind me?

      But like you said, you need to boost up your confidence and take a stand, or at least change yourself. You are the only one who can feel and understand what is going on in your marriage. If you feel abused, you know, so you will also know what is best to do, inshaAllah.

      May Allah help you and change your husband. Ameen!

      • I meant this:

        "And emotional abuse is even more dangerous than physical abuse, as it could lead to future psychological problems and other serious effects, which could even have an effect on the children's welfare."

      • JazakAllah. Thank you for clarifying the hadiths. They helped alot.

  10. Salaam ou alaikoum,

    I feel your pain, and i feel your suffering. I'm sad to say that i recognize the selfishness, the lack of feeling, the sense of entitlement, the hartlessness (if that's a word, English is not my first language, i'm from a European country). He is such a jerk, and it's a pitty that he has such a nice, compliant woman who keeps her pain bottled up. My husband was just like you describe in certain aspects, and even worse in others. I feel your sadness, your suffering and your despair. I went through the same thing for ten years, ten lonely years. I wish i could say that it gets better. It doesn't. The only one that can change in this is you. It changed me as a person. I have been unhappy for years, dreamt of getting out of this situation, but never could. Even to the point of getting physically ill. The doctors suspected cancer. There I was, being disrespected, bullied and ignored for 10 years, being controlled by a soulless person, and now I was dying. That to me was a turningpoint. I promised him, a few days before i was getting the testresults: If this is cancer, then congratulations, you have had the chance to live my life for me, and now my life will be over, but if it isnt cancer, some things are gonna change around here. Alhamdoulilah it wasn't c, and I became a different person. I did some research and discovered he was a narcissist. Everything I went through I found there online, with the label narcissist attached to it. The only thing that wasn't there was his name, but all the rest fit him like a glove. It was then when i realised he didn't care about anything but himself. I didn't divorce him, but he got another woman. I always was a strong person, but I let him corner me and manipulate me before, because I didn't stop trying to understand him, trying to fix him. But once I understood, I refused to spend my time on him. I am firm and stand my ground, the worst thing that can happen is him leaving me, and that is not such a bad thing, because he destroyed all the love i had for him. What you can do if you don't want something so drastic as divorce, is stand up for yourself, set boundaries, be firm and don't let him push you around anymore. He will protest against that, but if he refuses to live like then he can leave. And if you really mean it he will feel that, and in my case he wasn't man enough to leave, so now he has to stick around under my conditions. And i can tell you he's another man.

    • Assalam O Alaikum sister "Truthful",

      Glad to see your comments, finally someone who knows how to deal with such men. May your comments benefit other sisters in same situation and help them realize their strengths to deal with such issues tactfully rather than allowing their husbands to continue abusing them psychologically, physically and emotionally. Amin.

      Muhammad1982,, Editor.

    • Thank you for taking the time out and writing the comment down. And i agree with you on many things. But i dont think in am brave enough to put up with all this for a very long time and then changing the person only after half of my life has been wasted. Maybe i ahould be because of my kids. But i dont think i can.
      May Allah bless you and reward you for all the patience and tolerance you have shown towards this man.

  11. dear muslimmother,

    i read your post and directly answering it. i dont know what other responses are so if i repeat something please forgive me for wasting your time.

    Men, Muslims and asians have almost same qualities. only degree of these quality varies. what my research or experience says nowadays mostly men have inferior/superior complexes and are insecure too. I dont know your qualifications are better than your husband or not but if in any case you are better than him he will be insecure and to overcome that he becomes skeptical and checks everything you want to use even. It gives him satisfaction that you may feel he knows better. (thats what he thinks otherwise ofcourse he knows you are a good woman who ll not go into wrong way)

    In this my solution is whenever you buy a book or something ask him (even say him with affection that he knows better) he will slowly stop his this habit.

    He does not want you to talk to your parents, just talk when he says (you are very brave and better than average girls, i know your patience along with prayer will change this whole man)

    Read more and more books to pass some good time it will open ways for a right path, if he listens islamic program and if you get few minutes sit with him and see them.

    Don't think of taking time from him one day he will beg you for time,
    i am living in a foreign country and have three kids. to pass good time sometimes i see dramas and islamic videos on smart tv. sometimes i work in kitchen and can hear talk shows of my choice along with it.
    but i don't ask my busy husband for his time.

    Kids must be your priority all the people may say leave this person but don't your kids need father? can anyone else be their father?

    And frankly speaking men are not always so positive about in laws.
    One thing you said you can email your friends and parents its good do that more and more and in a lighter tone share your problems too if you want.

    you don't have fancy phone but nowadays in foreign countries even cheap pones have android so download viber, whatsapp and talk or message your siblings daily and relax your mind.(i hve $99 mobile and i use all these applications)

    Life is not to spoil after a man even i think any man :), Allah gives the woman soo much which she does not know even. So my dear sis just re-organize your thoughts try to forget (which is difficult i know but every woman ignores many thing to live her life)

    And most important try to search what are imbalances in his life or what were before marriage or in childhood? Any rejection or betrayal etc. Then real string will be in your hands in shaa Allah

    Allah help and bless you and your kids. Ameen

    • Thank you for all the things that you said. Surely it is a different perspective but there are alot of things that i already do. I Ask before i call. Ask before buying. Do everything with his permission. But all that hurt my self respect whenever i have to ASK for such basic things. I dont like doing all that which i dont think anyone would. I do it so that he would realise that whatever hes asking my to do is unfair. But so far, no success.
      I dont think i am demanding anything huge or unfair. These are the basic things that everyone has a right to. So why not i?

      • Dear Sister,

        you are right. A person or human feels bad like this but your husband (sick) sorry to say that but he is not an ordinary case. people like this change when a good time has passed.

        In old age they come to their wife. But to some extent majority of Muslim asian girls have same problems i told only intensity is less or more.

        As education is increasing our values are deteriorating its bad but it is india and pakistan divorce rates has increased, demands for dowry are becoming havoc, even in Pakistan people want girl doing job so that regular money comes to them.

        What ever is do you want to leave him? In Australia you can live as a single parent if do not want to live together and govt supports you and here lot of courses to do small jobs are also available.

        So do you want to leave him?
        Do you have options to live alone and give your children a better future?
        Do you think without father kids will be OK and most of all the people around you will they not be affected? my concerns are these only....

        I have a friend her husband not only humiliate her even beat her too at times....but she says its her children future for which she cant leave him. And she does not want to hurt her parents too.

        Your decisions are yours. whatever you decide, decide what satisfies your heart.

        Jazak Allah khair,

  12. Assalam Alaikum Sister.
    I am wondering how you are these days and if things have improved in your life? Wassalam.

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