Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Need urgent help for my engaged life!

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Aslam o Elikum brothers and sisters in Islam. I saw this board and found it very helpful so decided to be a part of it and share my issues with you all. Please be patient about the length of my post i have some terrible moments going on. Appreciate those who are gonna help.

I am in my 20s born and raised in United States, and got engaged to my cousin who lives in Pakistan a couple of years ago. He is a good man and i used to like him in my teen years and in fact confessed it to him during my visits to hometown. We used to occasionally talk through internet. About 6 or 7 years after our long distance we got engaged with our own wishes even when my family didn't want that they still considered my choice. That guy isn't financially very stable which was an issue for my family but has some good values which i liked about him and is quite good looking.

The issue started when we were living in our countries we kinda broke up and moved on which actually i did due to my high school crushes and he is very sensitive and committed kind of person he asked me not to leave but i did.

After i got broke up to all the guys i was dating with (never went physical) just casually but one of my serious boyfriend he was physical with me and we had an intimate relationship but we never had sex.

Anyways i went back to my hometown and somehow could manage to make my parents about letting me get engaged to my cousin who i again had feelings for. I kept breaking up with him and coming back to him and he always accepted me - i was his first love. I told him some of the stuff about my affairs back in my country and he was ok with and accepted my past.

The fights started when i came back and started communicating with my Ex. I told my fiance about it he was heart broken but after a while he forgave me and said its ok. I kept talking to my Ex which i shouldn't have. After a few months he asked me that do i still talk to my Ex i told him i do and he was very hurt because he was giving me chance after chance.

Long story short his trust was damaged and he started having trust issues with me which i hated and he sometimes used to call me names due my to online activities which i really didn't like and i thought of moving on with someone else.

I got a number of a guy at my work place and started talking, that guy was very good looking also. After talking to him for some months i realized he just wanted to use me psychically and have no serious intention. During this period my fiance was very hurt and knew that i am talking to this new guy and he still remained behind me due to his commitment.

I started losing my feelings for my fiance but after getting ditched by this new guy at work who just wanted sex, i went back to my fiance and he again accepted me with open arms he started having more trust issues but because his love was true he was agree to keep me no matter what.

After sometime i realized that he is not able to treat me the way he used to treat me i mean he had no love and affection towards me due to the things he experienced from my side.

I again decided to move on and could get to have another number of a guy and started talking to him. For a few more months ignored my fiance and talked to this new guy. Again realized that this new guy was just passing time and i couldn't find the right match.

So i again went back to my fiance and he accepted me again after crying so much due to all my things he was mentally ill and was so weak physically.

Now i have some male friends that i talk to online and some guys that i hangout with. Rhe issue is my fiance is not at all able to trust me now, when I am thinking of not damaging his trust again. He have issues with me having guys added on my social and having numbers in my phone. He tries to spy on me online which i hate and i warned him again that i will leave him and he said sorry and told me that he wont spy on me and requested me to just stay loyal. I am unable at this moment to understand where my life is going, will he be able to treat me right after our marriage? He says he loves me no matter what but i get scared of him due to his doubts on me and his selfishness. His anger goes to extreme sometimes.

What should i do in this kind of situation? I am with him and I tell him I love him but I myself do not know that I mean it or not. He stayed there for me after everything I did and never tried moving on and waited for me when he could move on. Maybe he is doing that all just for coming to my country. I am not sure about him sometimes I feel I love him and the other I completely hate him. What should I do? Please help me with your replies. Ill be very thankful.

sisterneedshelp


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16 Responses »

  1. Everyone who posted above have a valid point, as an unmarried, yet already spoken for Muslim woman what you are/were doing is indeed haraam. I was in a similar situation to you, except I did not make relationships with any one, for I had my parents to think about and it was just wrong to do so. I made male friends online due to our same interests like videogames and japanese culture. I treated all of them like brothers, and made clear of my intentions of having no relationship or romantic interest. (I had only been divorced by my own cousin from Pakistan, hence the finding friendships but they happened to be male. Also I'm from UK), Most of these male friends were from Pakistan anyway, and yes a few did show interest and even proposed and I refused every single one. Why? I had self respect and also I knew that some of them were treating me like a pass time. I also couldn't bear to be the one to burden my parents with haraam relationships.

    Sister, did you once think about what your parents were going through? Do they know your activity with these men? I admire your honesty with your fiance, that is one good quality I see in you according to what you have posted, however, speaking from experience you have every right to be cautious about your fiance.

    He is too accepting of you which is highly suspiscious, any man from Pakistan would flip his lid if his wife were doing such things, due to the fact you're in US and he's in Pakistan. If he truly cared for you, he would have made something of himself and prove to your parents he can be a good provider. Why isn't this man working and saving up for his wedding? Does he expect you and your family to fork out for the wedding? Forgive me to the others who have posted but it seems everyone has overlooked the fact that he is not fiancially stable. My exhusband (cousin) was not working and neither was my current husband during the time of our engagement. As you say maybe he is just using you to get over to US and expecting everything to fall in his lap.
    My current husband knew that I had male friends but politely requested I stop contact even though they were like brothers to me. Out of love and respect I stopped all contact with them and even left the social media world. After 4 years of marriage I am seeing that he is indeed miserable to be in UK. He has opened my eyes to the real truth of perhaps all people that come from abroad for a better life in countries with a strong economy. He says that men stay for their wife and kids nothing more, they can't get used to the lifestyle, the rush, the boring routines that we face. It's not boring for us at all we were born and raised in UK/US/Wherever, we're used to the busy lifestyles. My husband misses his laid back lifestyle, his friends, the open spaces that you get in Pakistan. We live in a terraced house and it's killing him. Nothing would make me happier than to live in a bigger house with our growing family. Alhumdulillah we have a 2 year old son and another baby on the way.
    My recommendation is that you have a serious talk with your fiance and if you decide to stay together you must outline your conditions for him and listen to his conditions what he expects of you. I think you already know what you need to do, you're going through an addiction which is being wooed by these other guys who are treating you like a fling. You don't need that in your life. If your fiance is indeed genuine and has a good character as you said, then he needs to show that he can be a responsible husband. I could be wrong but I do appreciate your reservations as I have been through a divorce in which my ex was only interested in coming to UK but it took him 5 years to give me a divorce. He only divorced me when he got engaged to a different girl from UK (so what's that saying?). Ask your fiance to get a job, save up, does he have good English and I.T skills? Ask him to take a few courses if you are staying together it might help his Green card application to have a few qualifications.

    Your hate for him is stemming from the fact he is being restricting and suspicious of you, with good reason. I think you need to ask yourself, have you become addicted to the attention from these men in which your fiance is no longer giving you? Was he romantic to start with? Of course it would fade given how you have been treating him by contacting these other men. Love and compromise need to come from both of you. I have every hope that things get better for you two.

  2. OP: Maybe he is doing that all just for coming to my country. I am not sure about him sometimes I feel I love him and the other I completely hate him. What should I do? Please help me with your replies. Ill be very thankful.

    Coming to US may be the reason he is overlooking your flirtatious behavior. is he educated enough? Will he be able to get a good job or do some business to take care of the family?

    You may have hard time finding a Pakistani guy in USA if you share your history of friendships with men. I have a feeling you did more then just talking with your guy friends.

    One thing more in, some cultures like Pakistan if one sees a girl talk to a unrelated man alone, it is assumed some thing sexual is going on between them

    • You have an issue with him not being able to trust u? Is that your problem? I'm sorry sister but it sounds like a joke and it sounds like your fooling around with him n he makes me angry knowing he's always accepting you. U are the problem, not him! I can't believe u don't know that! May Allah (swt) guide u.

  3. Salam sister...the answer is simple. ...take a look at yourself.....what do you want in life. ..You are very weak in faith and very unstable Aswell as unreliable....As sunni muslim married to a scholor. ...This talking to guys flirting dating crush touch is nothing but all sin sin sin into major sin....This is the reality and the outcome will prevail at the end of it all...JUDGEMENT DAY. ...THE ACTIONS WILL SPEAK FOR ITSELF....DID YOU KNOW THE DISASTERS AND PROBLEMS IN THIS WORLD IS DUE TO THE SINS THE MUSLIMS COMMIT...ALSO NOT JUST YOUR ENVIRONMENT AROUND YOU BUT THE ANIMALS TOO...TODAY THE MUSLIMS ARE SO WEAK IN KNOWLEDGE AND PRACTISE THAT WE THINK WE ARE GOING TO LIVE ALONG TIME? REALLY ......There 3 things that come with a humanbeing his bad habits,desires, and SHAITAN. ..An enemy who is job is to keep you away from remembering Allah so you can end up in Hell...this is the real truth..Your body is a trust from Allah and we will be asked how we used it....A vehicle to transport the soul!!!...Finally I can end with this note.....Success in this world and in the hereafter is only Obeying Allah's commandments and teachings of prophet Muhammad PBUH. Regardless of the intelligence or wealth a person has if he doesn't obey and fullfill his obligations then this humanbeing will live a very hard and stressfull life..there will be no peace and tranquility and he will keep on chasing this world until his end.

    So be wise.

  4. Sisterneedshelp,

    Break your engagement with your fiance because I see no trust from his side to you and no care or respect from you to him! However, if you do continue with this engagement then expect more of spying and anger (war and discomfort to yourself) after marriage from your this potential husband of yours.

    Also you need to stop talking or making connections to non mahrams. First of all you are sinning, second of all you are messing up with your lifeee.

    Tell your fiance that you want to call off this engagement because you need time to figure out to yourself what kind of life you want to have. Tell him you are messing up with your life as well as his, and you need make things better with ownself first. Proof to yourself that you care about your life. Focus on other matters of life and stop trying to find guys who are interested in you and then later you realise they are interested in something else and not just you.

    Make yourself important to yourself. Repair the broken trust with yourself first. And when once you are truly serious and wellbeing of your life, then only then, think about marriage, in shaa Allah.

    And please repent to Allah swt for all your sins. Turn to your lord. Learn about Islam/purpose of life. Become better muslim day by day, in shaa Allah.

    Takecare of yourself...

    - Sr Me

  5. I appreciate you for writing all this honestly, and thank the admins for posting this issue

    You are making him cry, he has mental problems now as you say, and is physically weak too.
    You nearly hook up with all the random goodlooking guys you come across, leave your fiance for some months, then come back.
    And yet you blame him for not trusting you enough ..?!
    is that because he is poor and is from pakistan which makes him inferior in your eyes. He is the one who's wrong right?
    Your parents are from the same country too , remember.
    leave him alone !!he deserves someone better

  6. Hello
    I think Your attitude is really bad. Do you want to settle down with one man?

    Secondly about the pakistani thing. Im from pakistan and i can kind of relate to this guy. I'm welloff and i wanted to marry a girl who lived in Canada, but she treated me like garbage. she thought i was after her canadian passport, even though i never had the intention to go to canada . It was extremely disrespectful, and i was hurt as i am a really honest person .

    You're treating your fiance even worse. please stop insulting him, his sincerity , and his love
    What will he get once he goes to USA hmm? Is it like heaven?
    pls sort your life out

  7. Not only are you using him you're hurting him and damaging him. You might not even get married to him in the end and whoever he does marry now he will have trust issues with because you can't control yourself.

    You are entirely wrong and he is totally right to spy on you. You have no idea how lucky you are.

    Stop talking to other boys or break your engagement off. Stop using him.

  8. Firstly look into yourself. You need to CHANGE for your good. If you do only then good things will happen with you.

    You or probably your actions have been made that man mentally tortured back in Pakistan. Dont do you or dint you ever have 0.01% sympathy for him ? How can a girl so young be so Stone Hearted ? Really surprising.

    Change yourself and have FEAR of ALLAH. Right now it might be fun for you but may ALLAH forbid tomorow you have a daughter and she repeats your history how would you feel ? Even if you dont fear ALLAH Nauzubillah atleast try to be good in Character.

    One guy other guy then third, i mean is that some joke ? Stop using the so called FIANCEE of yours. Remember, WHAT GOES AROUND COMES BACK AROUND. So beware !

    Good Luck

  9. You dont deserve him.
    he should leave you and never look at you again.

    its best for the both of you since you like being passed around and the guy who is decent enough not to do the same, certainly dosent need to deal with your western mentality.

    i honestly hope you find some one who treats you the way you have treated this poor innocent guy.

    hope that helps.

    may Allah guide us all.

  10. Why are you asking if his going to treat you right? I don't get IT when you are the one who is treating him wrong!!! How can anyone trust you ? All you do is go from guy to guy and I don't get what u are looking for? When you said u found this guy and he clealry loves you!! Honestly you are stupid and need to grow up

  11. walikum salam sister 1st of all i would suggest you to be closer to Allah and be a practicing muslim , learn from books lectures and religious friends the principles and rules that our God has told us how to live , the way you are living life is not as a muslim , its dark the way ur having relationships before marriage are all haram and sin , you should learn how to be a good muslim girl and not act like westerm women who have multiple partners before marriage , in islam talking , looking , beeing alone with opposite gender is strictly prohibited and a muslim girl should know how to talk and behave as a muslim , so u should be 1stly worried about your akhira and ways and make ur self respectable and good muslim girl that shud b ur main worry before thinking about marriage , when ur going in rite track , all things will come in and fit in rite place dont worry , at this moment what i see is that guy is beeing oppressed cheated by u , he doesnot deserve such a girl , you better leave him or change ur self top to bottom and repent b religious respected girl , your ex fiance is good person with big heart i dont know why he accepts u again and again , i dont think any normal man will accept such a girl after she cheats or leaves like this . either he is not aiming for marriage and have other reasons to go to US bcz its not normal whats going on , u and him both , allah knows best , if hes g enuine then leave him for his beterment he deserves loving and loyal girl . sorry to be harsh but some times we need to wakeup , if it was my real sis i would say same for her own good

  12. The life you are leading is haraam from A to Z . this shows you character and commitment in bad light . Definetly nobody will trust you after seeing your lifestyle .i suggest you should not coninue relationship as it will bring disaster in your life as there is no trust here

  13. Well from my understanding of you both, which is:

    You are someone who likes to fly free and do what you feel like. While your fiance, he likes to hold his ground and doesnt like to change his course too much. Probably is also proud and if not male chauvinist has sound self respect.

    Well if this is the case, i would strongly suggest you to not go ahead with this relationship. It would have been an exciting relationship as long as you guys were on the same page. But it doesnt look like that. And from my own personal experience, this kind of a relationship will make you both miserable.

    It will be difficult for him to go through this and for you too but this would be the best in long run.

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