Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Need words of advice and hope…

Allah Knows who you are

Assalamu alaikum,

I write to you with a very heavy heart. From a young age my life has been difficult, Allah blessed me in so many ways that others never have the privilege but I always let the negatives in my life affect me. I have sinned a lot and thinking about it breaks me down till I feel like I am nothing. I got sexually abused by an older cousin as a child and growing up I always loathed myself and never understood why I was the way I was.

Of course this led me to committing zina with a man who I thought truly loved me. I thought shaitaan influenced us to do these acts but my intention was always to marry him. I did this for almost 4 years.. how could I? I feel so ashamed. I always knew Allah's truth and why he has given rules and why it's so vital to follow them but for some reason I couldn't shake this guy off.

Despite my troubles during childhood and being in a haram relationship I often repented but couldn't escape. I always wanted one man in my life but the shaitaan won and he ruined me. I thought about Allah every single day but I couldn't get myself to practice and strengthen my deen or imaan because I was so shameful of what I had become.

This man told me he loves me so much he wants to marry me and that he struggles with faith himself but he would try his utmost to become a better muslim for the sake of himself and us. Our parents never agreed to this marriage since I am highly educated and he is not and nor is he financially stable.

I never intended on hurting my parents I love them so much I never planned to run away or ruin their reputation or hurt them deeply. I always said I would convince them with love. I kept saying we need to marry but he said hes not financially stable enough and that he needs to prove to my father that he can look after me. Its not about him being poor but unfortunaly my parents have high standards with regards to weddings and societies which used to upset me.

We tried and tried to cut the haram deeds and cut contact but one of us would always fall weak and there were times he emotionally blackmailed me to come back. I even done an abortion and I can't handle any criticism please because my mind was elsewhere I was not myself anymore and I lost all hope of ever reaching jannah. This took a toll out on both of us and all I did was put him down because I couldn't handle the loss of my child. I am naturally maternal but this mistake has eaten me up since the day I did it and a year on I can't forgive myself or get over it.

Last Ramadan I finally sincerely repented to Allah for the loss of my child and all my sins and it made a small change in me. I did pray a lot more often and all I did was think about the sins. It wouldn't escape my mind and I was afraid knowing Allah is always watching but I still continued doing them. I begged Allah to help me and help me marry him because I am too weak of a human being and shamefully too weak of a muslim to stop.

This man recently experienced a loss in the family.  He went away and when he was there he never contacted me. Whilst he was there all I had was horrific nightmares of him leaving me. I kept saying to Allah I deserve better than to be someones girlfriend. I always wanted to be a wife and 4 years on I am nowhere. I had an off feeling.

Once he came back on the first day he said after burying his relative and praying 5 times a day over there for almost 2 weeks he found a change in himself. His eyes opened to how I was never the one - it was another woman, a former classmate of his. He said all he wants is to focus on his religion and obeying his parents and marry his true love.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing or I couldn't stomach it. I know deep down I had to let go for the sake of Allah. Letting go for the sake of Allah I could handle but him saying he doesn't love me but someone else hurt so much. It took me a few days to just accept what he said to me even though I cried and begged him not to leave me initially. He claims he loved me but not anymore. I know it was all inevitable and that shaitaan plans this from the start.. to ruin lives but it just hurts knowing he's so easily moved on. He told his father about this new woman he wants and his father knew about him wanting to marry me and yet he so easily accepted it.

I have found Allah and his truth like I have never before. My eyes swell up every single time I just think and remember all the past that I lost so much of my time to a guy when I could have devoted it to Allah. He says he did it for the sake of Allah but why couldn't he repent and marry me? How can he fall in love with a woman in the matter of 10 days? I feel so sad by this. I know I should trust Allah's final decision and that what that man chooses is nothing to do with me. I'm sorry for going on. In no way am I proud of anything or justify anything I have ever done. I am on the road of redemption and have had Allah in my life even more so since it all happened because Allah opened my eyes too.

I just feel very lonely and empty because I was used to this person being in my life for almost 4 years. How can I fill that void on top of me already doing things like praying Salah, reading Qur'an, doing dhikr etc. I find myself to have lost my appetite completely and I haven't eaten properly for days now. I am fasting also to help me spiritually. I don't enjoy the things I used to enjoy doing all I feel is the huge void he has left in my life.

Any words of advice will help me. I never had the courage to ever ask for advise in fear of being judged and mocked for being such a bad muslim.

I pray that Allah protects all other muslim brothers and sisters from ever entering such a toxic, sinful and horrific situation because it can really ruin lives. I don't want the shaitaan to win any longer, I want to be a loyal servant to Allah and make it to Jannah.

Thank you.

Sister Sahar

P.S. Sorry from this post and the way I wrote it, it seems as if I abandoned my family and parents but I never did alhamdulillah. I always kept everything a secret, my worries, fears and all my pain because I could not bear for my family to deal with the consequences of my own sins. I know I spoke of a lot of my sins and we shouldn't expose them but I have kept my identity anonymous. I just need hope knowing I am not the only one who has committed such shameful sins... I just want some hope.

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24 Responses »

  1. Assalamualaikom sister

    You have been through some very difficult time sister. and inshaaAllah this will be the end for that unpleasant phase of your life.

    The guy is not serious about marrying you, and he was using you unfortunately.
    This had to stop by all means. it cannot go on until you one day face the angle of death in that sinful situation and loose dunya and akhirah.
    You apparently were not able to pull out of this relationship yourself, but even though it was momentarily painful, its a blessing that it came from the other side. At least now you have no regrets that could hinder you from moving on, its clear to you he doesn't deserve any more sacrifices from you. Be thankful that things has come to a stop, and that from now on, you are on the right track alhamdulillah

    Yes you do not need to disclose your secrets to anybody.... Allah forgives , people don't.
    Also Allah doesn't like for his servants to disclose their own bad deeds and secrets.

    There are so many who have committed worse than that both in the previous times and in the currentt times as well. But comparison doen't make sense as everybody is accountable for they have done and committed.
    and they will face Allah all alone in the day of judgment

    The good news is in the Hadith of the prophet SAW

    " The one who repent from a sin, is as if he has never sinned"

    "Allah loves those who repent and those who keep clean"

    cherish that divine love and commit to your repentance. and look forward to find a good muslim husband and make a family

    a good duaa i would like to share with you and all the brotherss and sisters
    the Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa salaam said, :

    “The supreme way of asking for forgiveness from Allah is to say:
    ‘O Allah, You are my Lord, There is none worthy of worship but You,
    You have created me, and I am Your servant.
    I am commited to my covenant and my promise to You as much as I can.
    I seek refuge with You from the evil I have done.
    I acknowledge before You all the bleesings You have bestowed upon me,
    and I confess to you all my sins.
    So grant me forgiveness for no o­ne can forgive sins except You.”

    The Prophet sallallahu alaihi wa salaam added, “If somebody says it during the day with firm faith in it, and dies o­n the same day before the evening he will be among the people of Paradise. And if someone says it at night with firm faith in it and dies before the morning, he will be among the people of Paradise.”(Bukhari )

    Good luck sister

  2. past is past.We all are tested .Allah has said in the quran that i will test my true servants.Everybody is living a test right up to there last breath.Do you think this short life is a picnic.....Noooo. Look your educated thats a bonus but you need to be attached to the sisters of the community to be involved helping in anyway. Learning is for life.Quran and dressing modestly helping people and being the best you can be!!what is past dont look back but know this shaitan will use it against you so your mind is occupied .Dont forget if your heart is clean with the rememberance of Allah it will reflect.Do you think all those years of having haram relations your is going to become clean tomorrow.It takes time and patience so recite quran morning and evening and be punctual in your daily routine. Get a good job and help Allahs deen and go for hajj!

  3. Wa alaikum assalam, sorry I cannot tell if you are a brother or sister but thank you so much for your generous message. I have been feeling severely depressed and part of my life has been consumed for the past month just trying to accept all that has happened. The depression just comes from the fact that I lost my child because of a stupid selfish mistake and I don't know when I will be able to forgive myself and the fact that I let this guy enter my heart when it should have been guarded. I have cried every single day during salah because I feel overwhelmed at the fact that Allah loves me so much and chose to make me realise the hard way even if it hurt. I don't know if crying so much is wrong but it helps me get through my day.. However, I pray Allah continues to guide me until the day I die.

    The guy wanted to remain friends after leaving me but I rejected because I know my worth and Alhamdulillah I have not contacted the guy for over a month now and I have no intention to. Somehow despite the struggles, depression and heartache I feel so much more content than I would have in the past because Allah is now in my heart and I don't feel completely lost any more. I tried to plan my life for so long but realised that only Allah is the best of planners and I should put all my trust and faith in him. I hide my sorrow a lot and have my whole life which is why it gets so hard at times to just leave things to Allah and I worry myself until I feel ill.

    Sometimes I have bad anxiety and panic attacks thinking no one will love me as I am damaged goods. I feel like I don't deserve a good guy because of the sins I committed and I won't be able to have children because I took the gift of motherhood for granted which is something I long so badly. I know all of this is probably me thinking irrationally. I just don't know how to make the voice in my head stop 🙁 I feel like I am driving myself insane with the voices in my head. It doesn't help that I have no job and can't seem to get one so I have a lot of free time which I am trying SO hard to occupy. I am so sorry for going on...

    • Once he came back on the first day he said after burying his relative and praying 5 times a day over there for almost 2 weeks he found a change in himself. His eyes opened to how I was never the one it was another woman, a cousin of his. He said all he wants is to focus on his religion and obeying his parents and marry his true love in 6 months time.......The guy wanted to remain friends after leaving me.

      Guy has not changed a bit, he still wants to use you as long as you will allow him too. You need to open his eyes. I am sure he told you he loved you numerous times. You may feel you are "damaged good" no one else knows as long as you don't tell them your story. Go volunteer in a hospital for kids.

      • I do believe he has changed because he said he would rather end things now for my life to be better as oppose to continue to live a lie with me and ruin me for longer. I think he wanted to remain friends because he feels extremely guilty of all that he has put me through but ideally he would not remain friends. He even cried about it.. but I know that being friends isn't the right thing to do at all. It would have prevented me from moving on. It's easy for me to make him seem like the bad guy but everyone has their own journey. When I made this post I was deeply hurt at the time and the wound was fresh but as each day comes I slowly start to realise things and I have already forgiven him. If he was a bad and evil person, he could have done so much worse but we both got lost along the way and alhamdulillah now things are going the right way.

        I am also volunteering already and I enjoy it. I still have my lonely days but I know I will be okay.

    • I don't think your worry about not getting a good pious guy is true as we have seen in the same forum lot of good and pious men got wives who have committed Zina before marriage .Those guys were upset after finding about it after marriage as as per them since they were virgin so they were expecting virgin wives but end up in marrying women who have committed Zina before ...So life is full of gambling and any thing is possible in life . But a person needs to focus more about life after death despite all world related surprises .

      Yes ..You just need to focus on true repentance .You need to increase your prayers and ask for repentance from Allah everyday multiple times because you have done terrible sins ..

      By just saying Allah is in my heart not enough now ..You need to seriously work on it .Repentance and lot of prayers ,prayers in the night like Tahajjud prayers etc etc you need to foccus on ...May Allah help you in coming to right path and continue the right path in future too ..

      • When I said I am afraid of not getting a good guy I don't necessarily mean a virgin man because that would be very hypocritical of me to want something like that. I think my main fear is of never being accepted for who I am. I know my future husband doesn't need to know but if a day comes when he is asking me these questions and I tell him and he cannot accept it then that is where I feel like I have failed the most.

        However you are right, life is not to be spent worrying so much over these worldly matters but more focus should be spent on the after life.

        Also when I said Allah is in my heart I do believe it is enough to change myself as a person because that is what has pushed me to be punctual in my prayers, reading Qur'an more often etc because when I sinned I let go of all this worship and it was occassional not regular/consistent but thank you for suggesting tahajjud and I will also increase my worship towards Allah as much as I can.

        Sorry if it seems like I am answering to your response bit by bit. I just want to explain properly so there are no misunderstandings.

        Jazakallahu Khair for your advice and may Allah continue to bless you for helping a sister in need. Ameen.

  4. Salam sis,
    I just wanted to let you know you are in a VERY similar situation as myself.
    Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about what your uncle did. May he pay the price on Judgement day Inshallah!
    Secondly, if you repent with a clear heart & good intention Allah (swt) will surely forgive you. I'm sure brothers/sisters will give you lots of quotes etc on here to explain how merciful our creator is.
    I know how unbearable heartache can be. The best advice is to stick to your deen. Keep up the good work despite how dark it gets or how depressed & alone u feel. Time really is the best healer. I'm not saying you will ever completely move on or forget etc...because if I'm being truthful I haven't about my past. However, time won't stop for us. 🙁 it's a daily struggle to fight depression & forget his betrayal but if you don't u will go insane. I keep myself as busy as possible & im trying my best to become a better Muslim. You need to somehow retrain your brain to forget the past. It's the hardest thing you will ever have to do. It's definitely not impossible. Stay strong & never give up hope! Keep reminding yourself that this world is only temporary. That's the reassurance I keep giving myself.

    • Wa alaikum assalam. Thank you sister for your generous message and advice. It is undoubtedly difficult. Another thing which has helped me is knowing there are thousands upon thousands who do not have the luxuries we do. It truly makes me feel selfish for complaining about things like this. May Allah forgive us and continue to help us through all the obstacles in life.

  5. Sister tell yourself that u r not a sinner anymore. U r pure girl now. Dnt blame urself anymore. Try to.move on.if u will think about past all the time. How would u try to focus on present and future? U r highly educated. Do something to make urself busy. Specially ur mind..
    Empty mind is devil 's workshop.
    Satan will keep telling u about ur past.
    So just dnt listen to evil whispers about ur past character.it wasn't u. It was a girl who was being used by man. She trusted him blindly.
    Now become different girl. Spend time with family as much as u can. It will make u to feel that u r not alone. Replace his love with family 's love. Be strong. My pious sister. Allah just want sincere repentance only. Allah doesnt want u to think about ur past all the time. Be happy. Change your way of thinking.and move on.

    • Salam sister, I have definitely been spending more time with my family and learnt just exactly how important they are. I love them so much and want to do right by them so bad. I feel a burden lifted off knowing that I no longer am hiding anything/anyone from them and am being myself towards them. Your kind words have given me some peace at heart so I thank you for that. May Allah keep us steadfast on the righteous path and may he make us amongst the believers in the akhirah. Ameen.

      • So easy to say you are PURE girl now and feel nothing about sins .It is one more trick by shayateen to misguide you by false consolation .

        • Sorry I don't entirely understand your comment? I never once said I am pure infact I will have to live with my sins and remember and fear Allah every time I think back on it. Only Allah knows if my repentance is sincere and he will be the judge of whether my sins are forgiven or not. I have given up my sins, have made tawbah and I am trying to move on with my life.

  6. Assalam sister....
    I can understand your problem very closely coz I hv gone through the same situation. Now all you need to do is repent to Allah n pray 5times. Keep yourself busy in your daily activity. What ever happend it happened for a good reason coz allah knew that u deserve way better partner than your ex. So stay positive and don't feel lonely coz allah is always with u no matter what...
    May allah shower his mercy on u...Ameen..remember me in your dua...

    • Wa alaikum assalam. I am sorry you also went through something similar. Thank you for your words of reassurance. I pray that Allah will also heal your heart and forgive our sins before we die. Ameen.

  7. Salaam Hannah,
    You have gone through a lot but I hope this is going to be your last test before enjoying the sweetness of Emaan and good deeds.
    Forgot about that guy.He was looking for a lust. Focus on improving your spirituality and be easy on yourself.

    A lesson from here is what happens when parents put conditions on their children's marriage in search of wealthy or very educated spouses.

    For a final note, I highly advise to expect the best from ALlah. Don't expose or tell anyone about your past. If you get married to a nice man, please don't tell this to him.Just try to become a good wife and be respectful,caring and always go an extra mile to please your future husband.

  8. i just wish we could realize our mistakes/consequences before we commit such sins.
    Sis Hannah Allah is indeed most merciful and forgives those who repent truly.
    i hope things get better.

  9. As-salamu alaykum sister. In response to the question you sent, we do not delete posts after they have been published. If you like I can change the username and a few of the identifying details so that no one will recognize you.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. Salaam Sister,

    I feel sorry for you that you have gone through so much difficulties. But thank Allah that he made you realize your mistakes and gave you an opportunity to repent for your sins and become a better muslimah. Let go of your past burdens and mistakes and start a new life with a new beginning. Don't get pulled back by your past. Have faith that Allah has forgiven your sins and try to do as much good as possible in the future.

    If you are wealthy try to do Hajj with your Mahram and after your hajj you will be pure from all of your sins. If not then still you will have your sins forgiven. Allah does not burden his slaves more than they can bear.

    Ask for forgiveness from Allah for all your sins and Inshallah Allah will forgive all your sins since he is Ar-Rahman, Ar-Raheem.

    Make sure you don't go back to the sin or anywhere near it. You have done the right thing by breaking off all contact with your ex. If you keep any contact there will be a chance to commit zina again so it's better not to contact at all.

    I would advise you to find some charity work to do in your local masjid or a muslim charity organisation. Keeping yourself busy and spending time with the less fortunate will make you feel better by realizing the blessing of Allah upon you. Again be careful not to commit the sin again. Shaitan will be very upset that you repented from your sins and he will try hard to make you commit the sin again. If you do decide to do some charity work, know that there will be men there and chances for you to get deviated. So pray to Allah to keep your Iman strong and protect you from shaitaan and zina.

    May Allah bless you with lots of Happiness.

    • Wa alaikum assalam brother, thank you for your kind advice. I will take it all on board in sha Allah. May Allah continue to bless you with kindness in your heart and grant you a place in Jannah. Ameen.

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