Never dated in fear of sinning but I failed once
Assalam Aleykum Brothers/Sisters in counseling team.
I am at a stage where I have realized that the man I thought I was in love with only wanted a physical relationship and not the halal (permitted by Allah) path which is marriage. I was in a vicious circle where I would break up with him and then go back to him. Finally, even though it hurt me to pieces, I was able to let go with Allah’s help. And finally I did it. I did it for me but for the most I did it to please Allah and to stop this dirty and harmful relationship.
However, I can’t overcome the thought of what he thinks of me. I gave myself to him time and time again (we did not perform sex, but there were a lot of foreplays) and every time I think about them I cringe in mortification. I am forever thankful to Allah SWT for protecting me from what could have been the biggest mistake of my life.
I make tawbah (ask for forgiveness) all the time. But I can’t erase my memories and sometimes I lead myself to think that may be just may be he did not want to marry me because I have gone this far with him. I know I shouldn’t worry about what he thinks of me and that I should move forward, BUT I don’t know how. Please give me some advice. Jazaka Allah Khairan.
I have never been with any man or done anything with anyone. I used to like to think of myself as being untainted for the past twenty eight years of my life. Just the idea makes me feel dirty and the only person I have been close to is this one man who can’t seem to commit to me. I have also asked him on his past relationships. His answer was yes. He admits to having experience with women and also understands that what he does is wrong and wants to settle down one day. The only issue is that he has someone in his life other than me and after pushing him to a point where I wanted to know where I stood with him, he more than once told me that we don’t have a future together. And yes, it was a huge blow and it hurt so much. That is why I had to end things with him.
I have been working on focusing on here and now and I have tried not to contemplate about what he thinks of me. It had been working fine but every time I make one step forward in healing and focusing on my here and now (which involves my studies and career); he keeps pulling me two steps back. I have blocked numerous of his phone numbers but he would still call me from a different number and say he misses me blah…blah…blah. On one of his phone calls I insulted him out of anger. After that I have been crying non-stop for regreting every moment with him and keep thinking of all that he has done to hurt me. Yet I also feel remorseful for insulting him. I feel that he brings the worst in me. I am aware of my deen and I know I shouldnt have insulted him, it was wrong for me to do that.
I want to apologise but I am also scared that once I start talking to him, he will make me forget everything and start over again with him. I am confused as to whether I should apologise for insulting him or refrain from the temptation and just let it go. I do want to ignore him and continue life without him. I want to live Islam the right way.
Yet my other worry is; what if he is the one for me? How would I know? I wonder why it took me 28 years of my life to come across someone I find compatible with but who doesnt want to marry me, without there being a good reason. Why is finding that one spouse and getting married so hard when it is one of the blessed things in Islam and protects us from haram relationships? How do I find out what Allah SWT has in store for me?
~ Houda
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Dear Houda, Asalaamualaykum,
You made a mistake, a big one BUT you have realised and you have turned back to Allah. We are 'human' dear sister, so unlike 'angels', we are prone to fall and rise. I can see through your words that you are fighting against your nafs, please keep doing so and insha'Allah soon enough you will taste the sweetness of emaan. Allah(swt) says in Surah Zumar, Ayah 53:
"Say: "O 'Ibadi (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful."
As for the man whom you were dating, he encouraged you to have physical relations with him, he doesnt want to marry you, he is dating another girl and he shows no remorse and by your own admittance, he brings out the worst in you: these all point towards someone that who is very distant from his deen. Is that the kind of husband you want?
My dear sister - run away from this man as fast as you can. Men like him are nothing but 'players' and 'sweet-talkers'. Right now, you are feeling very vulnerable and alone and perhaps you are missing having 'male company' too. These feelings are natural, so protect yourself and be cautious. There is no need for you to contact this man and apologise. 'You' come first, so protect yourself. Busy yourself with friends and family and deen. Dive into seeking knowledge by joining islamic classes, it will refresh your mind and heart and give you something worthy to think about.
You sound like a strong intelligent young girl who went through a weak difficult phase. So I hope that since you submitted your post a while ago, you have been stronger and managed to break off all contact with this man. Focus on becoming a stronger person now, forgive yourself and have hope and trust in Allah. When you feel better about yourself, then think about marriage. Take a break for now and let yourself heal through becoming closer to your Deen.
See this, it may give you a little peace of heart insha'Allah:
http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tawbah-in-islam/
All the best,
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
indeed in the remebrance of Allah, do hearts find peace
Houda,
My best advice sister...move on and let go. He has made it crystal clear to you that it isn't going to happen. Respect yourself and move on to better things. Inshallah good things will come your way.
Salam and the best of luck to you
Advice for all sisters, not specific to this situation alone - but does relate.
I'm a man...
if you allowed me to keep coming back to you... I would love you.... why?... So that I can use you! You'd be my prey, I'd use you when I needed you... in the mean time I'd look for other prey... When I'd find someone I'd leave you... knowing, that I could always come back for more later... because you'd be an easy target for me... a few sweet words and a few lies and promises and I'd be getting what I want... woo hooo! doesnt get easier...
you'd be my prey as long as you remained weak and foolish I'd play with your heart to get what I want...
I'm a MAN! Sister thats how we think! Don't let any man tell you otherwise.
We are polygamous in our nature! we love apple today and strawberry tomorrow and maybe some banana with milk and then a little strawberry again... thats how we are...
we are polygamous in nature...
but there is a halal way to do that with respect for the women involved, love and security for all...
look at the examples of our heroes of the past.
you have the following choices:
a. Either tell him to marry you and you will allow him to marry someone else.
b. Tell him to get lost! and don't cry over being rude to him ... he is dsirespecting you!
c. or stay with him and allow him to carry on having polygamous relations out of wedlock - youre not the only one in his life, my love, wake up!
d. marry him and know that he is polygamous by nature and turn a blind eye when he does do something with someone outside of wedlock = adultery
"man kind will not be satisfied until the soil of his grave fills his stomach"
Men are good, but they are men, women need to understand how they think - no woman can ever teach you how a man thinks, no man will never tell you the truth of what he is thinking...
And the opposite, I'm sure, is true for woman!
sorry for going of the topic...
all men are not sexual perverts as depicted by you(bro). what you wrote may be true for you and for some men but not all . however the fact remains that women and men must not be together at any cost . women who develop any relationship with a man outside marriage are probably digging their graves by themselves.
Well i have to agree with Bro comments
Anywhere in the world these sort of men are the worse sorry to offend any decent guys. I have met every sister who have suffered the hands of these vile coward men who have made them do things they didnt want to do then later dump them like meat. I am ashamed to call myself a pakistani/muslim at times for these people labelling everyone the same.
Back to the reply I am sorry for your experiance please do not allow this guy to come back in your life shut him out NOW he is a dog and not worth the time. Look after you and fear allah you must thank lucky allah saved you for a reason i wish you the best for the future
thanks bro!
dear sister huda,
asalamalaikum,
i think you know the answer yourself. he is not the one to run after. if he was, you wouldnt need to. he is not coming after you because he is realizing what he has done. he is just coming after you because he cant stand that you have for once decided something for yourself which is not as per his wishes. a person who loves you and really wants to be with you, marrys you , even if you have slept with him . ofcourse Allah has guided you towards himself by making you realise what you are doing is wrong. stopping this abuse is in your hands. letting go of emotions is very tough but not impossible. keep imagining that you are walking towards Allah and all the evils are calling you from your back , if you turned around they will grab you and turn you away from the light of Allah. iam much older than you and iam telling you from experience that a person who has not committed to you in the first go , HE WILL NEVER. keep running towards God . dont turn back or you will be like stone and unable to move again. Allah loves you thats why he made you feel guilty of what happened , be thankful to allah for giving you chance to repent. He knows whats in our hearts. inshaal allah will bring a man in your life that will hold your hand not to let go of you but to be with you and wanting you to be with him. where your love will be needed and valued.
take care my sis.
friend.
Salaam sister.
Change your number first of all. He cannot phone you if he does not have your number. I know that's hassle but if he won't stop contacting you it's the only way. Otherwise he will continue to phone you. Don't apologise - you should definietly not contact him as it will open the way up to haraam and to your becoming more heartbroken.
Be strong and give it time. You are not dirty - you gave up a sin for the sake of Allah. So don't allow yourself to be concerned with what this guy thinks. It really doesnt matter what he thinks. Why let a mere human, and someone like that define who you are?
Sister Z has put it nicely.
"As for the man whom you were dating, he encouraged you to have physical relations with him, he doesnt want to marry you, he is dating another girl and he shows no remorse and by your own admittance, he brings out the worst in you: these all point towards someone that who is very distant from his deen. Is that the kind of husband you want?"
Turn to Allah swt, practice your deen and don't be fooled by Shaytaans tricks into trying to get you to reconsider him/ feeling guilty for insulting him. Under no circumstances must you contact him - and know he has no rights over you. Dear sister you have Alhumdulilah made a wise choice and when the pain has gone you will realise this. Just be aware that it will take some time to move on, and you;ll get conflicting emotions. Ride out the storm, hold onto the firmest of ropes, the rope of Allah and know that He will replace your loss with something so much better InshaAllah.
May Allah swt fill your life with light, happiness, peace and love which is pleasing to Allah swt.
Ameen
You are most welcome to write on here should you need further support as this post is yours.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
AA;
I think you know the answer, but you have MANY feelings for him!
It is simple sister, if he wants you then he should propose! Does not get any simpler than that.
Do not apologize for being mad at him or screaming at him, do not apologize for rejecting him!
If I am correct, it id from Allah. If I err, it is from me and I pray Allah forgives me.
May Allah grant you patience and shower you with his mercy.
AA
Just a Man
Sub7anAllah, My dear Brothers and Sisters,
You don't know how ecstatic I am today to have finally found my post. And to have read all the responses, I was in tears Wallah. It has been two years since I posted my woes and I wish I had seen your responses at that very time. Maybe I wouldn't have gone through what I have for the last two years. But still, it has lifted my spirits reading each and every response today. JazakaAllah, JazakaAllah, JazakaAllah.
Oh! how I wish I had seen your responses in time, maybe I wouldn't have gone through so much. I had waited for my post to be posted but for a very long time it didn't come through and I thought I lost it completely. I remember coming back to this website and searched for it over and over last year and any other time that I was seeking counsel; but could not find it. Then today Sub7anaAllah, I found it. I was looking for other posts that was relating to my turmoil of betrayal and was going through other people's post reading their stories and seeking comfort from the responses given and finally I found mine. Al7amdulillah.
Below is what I went through. Just an update from where I left off, but any feedback would be greatly appreciated.It is a lesson learned.The pain YaAllah! the pain! If there is any sister out there going through a non-halal relationship, please please stop now before its too late. The pain I went through? I wouldn't wish it for even my own enemy.
As for an update of what has happened. What can I say? I fell so deep in my own deep dark hole that I dug with my own two hands and at my own efforts. But as Allah is my witness, I still held positive intentions for marriage with this brother. But I was caught in a foul trap. To back track with a time line from where I left off with my post......, He was able to get a hold of me even after I had changed my number due to a mutual friend. This was last year. I remember giving him more than just one chance over the last three years since I have known him. My intentions were still very clear and I wanted marriage. He finally got me hooked last year when he started talking about marriage to me and I began to have hopes. However we had many differences of which it lead to us being in an on and off relationship with me mostly trying to break up with him since I knew deep down this man did not really want to marry me.
Three years! I am now 31 years and I had met him when I was 28. I feel like he has robbed me of my youth and innocence for I had never been with any man before...... And he still kept creating false hopes in me making me think and hope that we will someday marry. Eventually we kept having big fights, with insults thrown around. We had one of our ups in May of this year, where we were both good to each other but something in my heart didn't feel right. A weekend later a friend of my sister's invited me to his wedding. I couldn't believe it and I tried to ignore it but I had to hear with my own ears. For a week I ignored his many phone calls but one day when I finally couldn't take it, I picked up one of his many phone calls and he admitted to getting married. He lied to me and never told me the truth when I was with him just days ago. God! but the pain was unbearable. I had told my family awhile back about this brother and some of my family members expected the betrayal but my mom had hopes for us. I couldn't bare the embarrassment and pain. I felt used, betrayed and dirty. I couldn't seem to bring myself to forgive him and I never hated anyone as much as I hated this creature of a man.
He finally got married in June of this year to his longterm girlfriend. My family Alhamdulillah was very supportive of me and understanding of the pain I was going through. Two weeks before his wedding he showed up at my place, I guess he wanted to ask for my forgiveness. I didn't let him talk to me so I still don't know what his intentions were for showing up at my place. I involved all my family members telling them about the current situation, even him showing up at my door. My sister took my phone and warned him to never ever show up on my face . She then discarded my simcard and got me a new line. Even helped me to get a ticket to go to another state on the weekend of his wedding day. After I came back I vowed to start my new life. It was painful but with the grace of Allah, I made it through. Nothing like a reality shock to get me to realize what this man truly was. I was filled with remorse and anger. How can a human being do that? To trust someone so much and they just callously treat you with betrayal.
I took advantage of the holly month. I was nothing but bare with my feelings and weaknesses to Allah SWT. Honestly? I was beginning to feel better Alhamdulillah each day. One of my utmost prayers was to be able to continue feeling the iman, calmness and strength that I had achieved during Ramadhan, and be able to continue even after Ramadhan.
I think my feelings for him died (slightly...day by day). Or so I thought. And I am not talking about feelings of affinity but feelings of hate and anger because there is no positive feelings left in me for him. I thought ok now its time for me to face reality and move on InshaAllah. A month exactly after his wedding day (to the date!), he showed up at my work place. I was startled! I refused to see him and he was turned away by my colleagues at work. I was very much scared about his audacity. He is married then why come back into my life? I blocked my number (the new one that my sister got for me after things were over between us) and called him to warn him not to jeopardize my career. He swore under this month of Ramadhan that all he wanted was nothing but to talk and begged me to call him back as he wanted to tell me something important. Before I could call him back I spoke to my older sister (a different sister from the one above) and asked her for her opinion. My sister said that it might be that he was dying with guilt and should call him just that once to forgive him so he could move on. So I did. But he said that he regrets getting married, he is scared of the future and the wrong decisions he had made etc... and wants to meet with me one last time. Of course i refused and even though he didnt ask for forgivenes, i told him that i forgave him (even though part of me still wants him to realize that he should not be playing with people's emotions). I hung up the call with a warning that he should never appear at my work place or at my home.
That was 22nd of July during Ramadhan. He never showed up again. I continued working on my relationship with Allah SWT and all seemed ok so far. I had been praying for closeness to Allah SWT. I fear loneliness and it hurts me that even though I have family I feel very lonely. All my sisters and brothers are married and with family. I have been living alone for a year, mostly due to my school and work. Al7amdulillah, I live in an Islamic community with the Masjid a walking distance and surrounded by Muslim neighbors. My brothers live in different states , while others in different countries. I have two sisters living 25 minutes away and most time I still feel very lonely. And this episode of betrayal from this brother has intensified my negative emotions of distrust and loneliness. It was why I had been praying to Allah mostly to give me the ability to overcome hate, anger, suspicions and loneliness. Which are as a result of what this brother did to me. I am still healing but its hard whenever this brother keeps pulling back with his lies and manipulation. May Allah SWT make it easy for me and all those in similar/different situation, and those who are trying to find the right path. Ameen
Anyway, I am so happy to have found my post and being able to continue where I left off. It has been over two year with so much happening and much changes in life. Also, I am not sure if I had posted something of the same with a different user name, it's not a cliche'. If I did, forgive me for my oversight as I couldn't remember which email i had used for log in two year ago. I would truly appreciate any feedback, inputs and advices. JazakaAllah Kheyr.