I will never trust another Muslima again
I am married second time to another Pakistani girl. After a grueling 4 years of dealing with immigration she finally arrived here in US . She ran away to her sisters (somewhere in Philadelphia) only a few days later only living with me a total of 14 days out of the month. She came back and in December she got her permanent resident card (10 yr greencard) and her social security and told me she wanted to visit her sisters at the end of the month of December. She left saying she was coming back on on ten days. On the 9th I called her after several attemps of being ignored days earlier and that was when she told me she was never coming back. She had taken only a few of her things, some of my money and my mothers gold jewerly (who passed away).
Wife came back in mid february with the police at my home on a saturday morning but I wasn't home and I changed the locks instructing the landlady not to let her in the building anymore and she doesn't live with me. I am an orphan. I have no family and I am basically alone. I converted to Islam in 2002. When I found this out was even more upset, angry and very depressed and still am to this day.
To make a long story short we started to talk with each other a while back and I asked for the things she took back and she agreed she would give them to me but also told me she wanted to come back and so she called my friend and told him. He wanted to help and arranged for her to come back. The day she was to come back she told me to bring her clothes and immigration papers. I brought just clothes because I had a feeling she was lying to him and me. She only wanted her clothes and I didn't pack them all.
Later that week she called me telling me she want's a divorce. I told her she can have it if she pays for it. I was devastated. Later that night she called me on my phone telling me she didn't want a divorce and wanted to really come back so she arranges the details with me and my friend who knew a Pakistani Imam that counsels couples. My wife agrees to come back on a Thursday after work and we would go home together see the marriage counselor on friday after Juma.
When I pick her up we go home and my wife tells me we must go to the counselor tonight (thursday) but I told her the appointment is friday. She tells me she called to change it but first she wants to go home. Right away when she gets home she goes to her clothes and begins packing them in her empty suit case and goes into the kitchen and begins removing the crockery that I bought her. I asked what she was doing and she said packing the rest of her things "in case it doesn't work out with the marriage counselor". I knew she didn't have any intentions and asked me for her immigration papers and her personal photos. I told them they were in a safe place and did not furnish them.
Anyway I went to this session with caution but with an intention to resolve this but the Imam and my wife spoke in Urdu the whole time until the end of the session where he said in English "you can stay with me and my family" . I was furious when I heard that and walked out of the mosque. My wife followed me out and said I am going home with you. So we left. On the drive home she calls her sister in Philly speaking URdu and then my wife asks me can you drive me to the train station. My sister needs me and I want to go back. In other words my suspicion was correct my wife lied to me, my friend and probably the Imam. So I dropped her off and that was the last I saw of her. She called me in April asking for me to send her money and I refused and that was when she called me all kinds of names and swears.
There's a lot more details to this story but this is the gist of it all. Ever since then I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotions of anger with depression to self-pity and hatred to myself and the reason I did this is this is the second time something like this has happened to me ever since I converted to Islam.
These experiences especially this last one has pushed me over the edge. Allah has tested my too many times and I have lost my faith that this can happen. I don't pray anymore and I don't care about anything anymore. I will never trust another Muslima again. Even some muslims I know tell me I would be better off dating someone from my own culture (American). As shocking as this sounds I agree this is the best option. I have lost friends and cousins that do not talk to me ever since I coverted to Islam. I lost a job because of it. I sacrificed all of these things and got taken advantage twice by muslims.
People say it is not the people I should judge Islam upon but in actuality it is a members only club and that the majority of Muslims that come here to the US is to exploit its freedoms and sometime those like me with an open nature and willingness to learn something new from people who want to spread Islam cannot practice what they preach. I am all alone now and even when I tried to go back to a mosque I am reminded of this pain of being used for a greencard and my good nature taken advantage of. NO MORE!
I will not fast this Ramadan either. Everyday I wake up and ask why? Why bother to face the world if this is what I can expect. For anyone wishing to marry an American to get greencards you only think about your own culture. There is no such thing as marriage to converts because we have only one thing you want really. A short cut to getting US citizenship. That is why I will never marry another muslimah again or ever trust another Muslim again either. I'm sure there are exceptions out there but after two times and two failures I'm convinced that is why I am a valued commodity in the eyes of an aspiring foreign family with dreams of their daughter marrying a rich American some day!
- Sicilian72
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Dear 'Sicilian72', Asalaamualaykum,
Wow. You have had your fair share of disappointments. Betrayal is always excruciatingly painful. From what you have written, it appears to me that you are a nice guy, regardless of your religion and you have been taken advantage of by a manipulative woman, regardless of her religion. I am pretty sure that the Imam she spoke to in Urdu did not do his job properly either, because no Imam would encourage or facilitate a divorce without liaising with both spouses to get a full picture.
The way your wife treated you is very shallow and it seems that she was only ever after her greencard. And what I am going to say to you is probably what you are sick of hearing, but it is the truth. Her behaviour was not at all representative of a Muslim and so you cannot judge the religion fairly based on her or your other bad experiences.
So many of us are facing difficulties, but we hide the pain and carry on knowing that one day soon Allah will shower His Mercies upon us. And in the most unexpected ways He(swt) always does, maybe not the way we want, but in the way He(swt) knows is best for us. The Prophet(sws) was already an orphan when he started proclaiming the message of Islam openly. After his open proclamation, he lost many things: his beloved wife, his uncle who had protected him from the blood thirsty Quraysh, he was physically beaten and abused by his own tribe and other tribe many times, many a time he and his wives had nothing to eat and he was forced to migrate - but he(sws) remained patient in every trial. These are reminders for you and me and all of us; that life will always throw difficult times at us, but that does not mean we give up. If you accepted Islam, you did so because you believed in the message of Laa Illaaha Illallaah, There is no god but Allah. You cannot possibly turn back on that?
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With regards to your assumption that only converts fall victim to marriage abuse to gain a greencard, I disagree completely. There are plently of examples on this website, where people who have been born and raised as Muslims have fallen victim to someone looking to gain permanent residency in the USA, UK or the EU etc. I also personally know born and raised Muslim people who are very close to me who have fallen victim and I also know non Muslim people who have married someone in order to gain residency in the so called 'economically sound and safe countries'. This is a worldwide issue and has nothing at all to do with religion. Those most likely to manipulate the system to get residency are those who are raised in poorer regions of the world - such as the Indian Subcontinent, parts of Eastern Europe, South America, parts of Africa.
***
My advice to you is this: realise that this woman could have been any religion and she still may have taken advantage of your nice personality. And maybe there were some warning signs about her personailty that you chose to ignore; so perhaps you will be more wary in future. Before you decide to leave your religion, give it another chance. It is the month of Ramadan, the month of Mercy - find a decent Masjid, one where there a people practicing Islam and not culture and see how refreshing it is so mingle with like minded people. I myself avoid cultural based ones and go to Masjids where we all come from a beautiful mixture of backgrounds, reverts and raised Muslims under one roof.
I cannot force you to give Islam another go. But as your sister and well-wisher in Islam, I can only advise you and remind you not to let your emotions over power your common sense and reasoning. It is up to you decide whether you want to try to see sense in your chosen faith or throw it away because of a few bad experiences.
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I pray Allah guides you to the right way, that He(swt) softens your heart and replaces your pain with the sweetness of Eemaan. You will be on my list of people to pray for this evening as I break my fast inshaAllah!!
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Very well written and sound advice SisterZ.
Assalamulaikum wa rahmathullah.Allahu Akbar And Allah knows the best.
I am sorry to hear your story.This world consists of both good and bad people.My humble suggestion to you please be patient.And Allah knows the best.ease ask him for guidance.Do not stop praying.Keep praying.For time being take the life as it comes and have trust in Allah.Thank Allah for all this blessings.See you are blessed since because you are alive, you have a job, you have food to eat etc.Lot many people in world do not have food, do not shelter.Allah is extremely,intensely merciful.
Who knows.In future Allah will give better half.Meanwhile focus your energy in helping others and do your salah regularly.Keep yourself busy.Don't get frustrated, it will spoil you mentally as well physically.Do not waste time and your energy in rewinding old bitter story.Move forward.Move on.You will invent new own yourself.Tough times makes one person more efficient.Thank Allah for everything.Allah is seeing you constantly.Allah knows what is best for you.
I have seen people who used to be in seriously relationship and that breakup and they all used to be in bad shape for sometime.After sometime they gain energy and they have transformed themselves into new person.It happens for sure brother.Even when they were going through their tough times, i have heard them saying "I lost all my hope I will never ever find anyone anymore in my life etc".But Allah changes everything and Allah gave them even better people than their ex.
Have faith in Allah.Allah never fails anyone.If you take one step towards Allah, Allah takes ten steps towards you.Please remember this.Read quran and keep praying.Allah will guide you to light and will take you forward from there.
AllhamdulillaH
I wish you all the best.
But your best option is and will continue to be to try and find a revert like yourself.
Brother, I am in great pain reading your pain, it's not often a man pours his heart out, but in this instance you have I feel for you.
There are many sad and pathetic people like this woman, unfortunately nothing you can do can prepare you against these people.
If you find a revert who is an American citizen, or try to find someone at least who has the decency not to speak a foreign tongue in front of you, you'll be happy.
Can you believe this woman had the nerve and the audacity to call up many months later asking for money, you should slammed the phone down and carried on with your life.
It's a shame we dont know each other in the real world, because there are several women in my family who unfortunately due to sad circumstances widows and divorcees, these women are good and not after visa, so I know there are many others out there.
You need not worry about this woman, I understand you may want revenge and deep down desire it, but know this, that woman will get her due. Who's to say she's not pushed around like a filthy tramp in the future?
My advice is for you to be realistic and use some common sense, is it really likely for 2 people of completely different backgrounds to fall in loive and spend their life together? Unlikely, even in the time of the Prophet, people often married within their community because they knew such and such.
You are a good man just lost and suffering in life, go to a honest Imam and he'll help you, I will pray for you brother, pray for you to find peace and most importantly to return to Islam when you need it the most.
Brother where did you meet this women and how did you end up marrying her and waiting 4 years to get her to the U.S, could you not find an American born muslim, islam is the fastest growing religion in the U.S and their are many reverts, Ask yourself why you would marry someone from so far that you no nothing about them or their culture, this is not about islam its about your choices, i think what this women did is wrong and cold hearted but you have to take some responsibilty too and to lose your deen is the hardest thing to come back from, iam sorry you have become so negative towards islam iam sure their was more to it than a women that brought you to islam maybe you should think about thoses things and not women that maybe it was a blessing you did not stay with,.and as for wanting a green card i think that has nothing to do with converts or anybody else their are people of all nationality who have used American passport holders to get in the U.S,..
Salam Brother and Ramadan Mubarak, inshallah things have improved for you.
I have not read through all these responses, but mashallah I do know Sister Z gave sound advice. I think I can add something since I am also an American born-and-raised revert to Islam. The whole thought of marrying some guy from Pakistan is scary, we do not speak the same language nor do we share the same foods. I, like you, am Italian and would be sad if I could not share my Italiana heritage with my spouse. There is no requirement in Islam that you must marry someone from overseas, the idea that their deen or something may be stronger as they were raised in a Muslim-majority country is absurd. The man I am currently engaged with was born in America and raised in the same American culture as me. His family is Iranian, but his family has a lot of the same cultural tics as mine. He also is learning how to cook the foods of my background, and enjoys it when I rant to him about why de cecco pasta is horrible. You need to find an American Muslim girl who you can share these things with. It's ok if their parents are from overseas, as all parents are if we go far back enough, but it seems for you it's very important that the girl was born and raised here. Be the stronger person here and give her the bride-gift and immigration papers as well as help the divorce go through. You are wasting your time fighting and saying rude things like she has to pay for a divorce that would benefit both of you. Both of you are trapped in this toxic relationship, and the sooner you are out-the better.
Its not the religion that let you down, its the person.
Understandably you are very angry, hurt and disappointed, but you lost nothing.
Im sure when you will calm down and retrace the past you will begin to notice there were tell tale signs about her moral character. Because somehow in your explanation it sounds as though there is a huge chunk of info missing.
The plot sounds as though she was a mail order bride because the rude awakening you were subjected to directly upon her arrival isnt consistent with your knowledge of her traits but rather your expectations of them.
Going by the fact that you appear to be open and confident in your own treatment of your wife which is backed up by the fact that not only were you confident in going to the imam for counseling as well as a councilor goes to prove that you have nothing to hide. This leaves me with the assumption that her almost pathological lying and shifty nature is almost criminal like or she comes from a very deprived desperate background and is ignorant and uneducated.
Of course EVERYONE gets duped once or twice in their lives, maybe even more, but Instead of blaming you and my religion, which she by no means represents, maybe you reassess ask why you made wrong choices in judgement and try to avoid that in the future.
Whomever told you Islam is a members only clud obviously doesnt know Islam, this is not judaism. In islam nothing is more greater than to welcome a convert/revert to Islam.
Khalid ibn alwaleed, waged wars against the Prophet pbuh when the Prophet was being religiously persecuted for worshiping one God, then when Khalid ibn Alwaleed converted he became the sword of Islam.
The prophet Married Maria Alqibtiya, she was Christian and converted to islam and bore the Prophet his son Ibraheem, he loved her dearly and she is one of Umahat almu'mineen (one of the mothers of the believers) and is revered and greatly respected by us all. And so are you, respected by us and im sure on behalf of all sound sane Muslims none of us accept your mistreatment and especially abhor the fact it effects your faith because of your unfortunate experience.
As far as doubt in our faith goes, i tried to find reference to this true story, but I couldnt online in english, however I heard it many times, that the sahaba (the prophets companions) approached the prophet in great shame to admit their problem, they said ïts far too great to mention" and alluded that they sometimes doubted and questioned their faith. The Prophet Mohammed pbuh explained that this is a sign that they had very deep faith for it is when someone is so close to Allah that satan tries his best to whisper thoughts of doubt.
Inshallah I hope that your faith is strong too and you realise that satan is trying to lead you astray , maybe even satan whispered to you wife to behave the way she did to try and lead you afar from Allah and your religion. So please take heart.
I know you have weathered reprise from your people for embrasing Islam, instead of agreeing with them tell them why you did because the beauty of islam is it is perfect and so simple that even people who do not know it instinctively recognise it is the word of Allah and our way of life towards the hereafter.
As i told you you lost nothing. Im guessing that one day after life has slapped her around a bit she will come asking you to take her back but inshallah i pray that by then you will have already found a better muslim wife and started a family and remember that this was just a test for you and know that Allah tests those with IBTELA AAT (tribulations) to hear their call because he loves them.
You will be rewarded and she will be judged, but please again do not judge Islam and retrace the steps that lead you here, im guessing life has preoccupied you from that path, i suggest you retrace your steps back to it and inshallah you will refind yourself better than before.
Dear brothter
Reading your story really brought tears in my eyes .. I wil get straight to the point it was a bad idea to marry a girl from Pakistan you can never trust girls from there or any other muslim countries I am from a muslim country my self but this is the truth because end of the day they just want to marry some one from same background it is just a mind set of things
So the best idea is to marry some one like you who has converted to Islam who is American just like you or find a nice girl for your self make them learn about Islam and if she converts it is even better
@ Mina: Please do not bash a culture with a single stroke, Mina. This could have happened to any cultural background as others have said above - as a Pakistani, I found your comment hurtful and inflammtory.
@ Sicilian72: Brother, there are many wonderful praticing, professional muslim sisters from Pakistan who are living in the US and who cannot find suitable husbands in the US. Even they fear marrying a guy from"back home" may marry them for the same reasons as this brother was duped for - the coveted green card. Even here in the US, these women are duped by men of all nationalities who want to marry them for their income because these men are losers in their lives. So cheating men and women are from all backgrounds and all socio-economic strata.
So, brother- find a GOOD woman - whether she is a born muslim or you help her come to the fold of Islam. Keep your choices open and make your decision based on her CHARACTER and dealings with you - don't jump into marriage. Sounds like you did an internet marriage from afar without getting to know here character. If you like someone, which you will inshallah someday, then make istikhara dua and proceed with caution but full faith in Allah that he never tests you beyond your limits.
Don't seek revenge - don't say bad words about her - Let Allah be your judge and let Him take care of how she treated you. You continue to "keep the faith"! May Allah bless you in the wonderful month of ramadhan. Ameen.
Mina i wish i had your powers of deduction to make judgement on half a billion people with such accuracy, your so right every muslim women from a muslim country wants to get a greencard by any mean's necessary....watch out men of the west these women are dangerous...!!!
My dear brother in Islam, please don't be hard on yourself. Please read the stories of some of the Sahaba's, the struggles they went to. Some had to turn against their own brother or father and fight against them in battle. All for the sake of Truth.
Please brother, Allah(swt) will ALWAYS be just. He will make things easier for you, He will reward you for your patience.
"Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said: 'When (will come) the help of Allah?' Yes! Certainly, the help of Allah is near!" [Soorah al-Baqarah (2): 214]
Can you imagine that? Even the Prophets(pbut) of Allah(swt) were shaken, asking, When will Allah(swt) help? Yet we know by history and through the Quran that indeed, Allah(swt) will always help, he will always be there, he will always guide you and make things easier for you. Just have patience brother!
You are a nice guy... I wish there were more men like you and less like her. Subhanna'la its really odd that I keep noticing the good ones go for the bad ones and vise verse.
I feel sorry for you . This has happened to many people .
As a advice , Don't ever think muslims are any different from non-muslims . If muslims believe in Allah , it doesn't mean they are all pure and noble . Most of them are as corrupt as non-muslims , even worse sometimes . Also , don't be fooled that all muslim women are pious . No , they are not . Search the archive of this site , you will have many examples to see . Muslim countries are also ,actually filled with hypocrites . On one side they will offer salat and perform fasting and on the other side they will be taking interest , murdering people , taking excessive profits , speaking lies , committing fornication , consuming alcohol and what not !! . Most of them live a double life .
If you wanna see a real muslim , see the life of prophet mohammad .
Don't leave islam just because of these muslims .
Welcome to reality .
Wow, what a terrible opinion you have of Muslims. Most of the Muslims I know are good, decent, kind, lovely people. Frankly, I've been treated quite well by some Muslims. They have bailed me out of tough situations, helped me get a job, supported me in difficult times, and set a good example working fee sabeel-illah.
Last but not least are my fellow Editors on this website, who work without pay, only to help other Muslims.
If you find that you are surrounded by hypocrites who commit murder, drink alcohol, cheat, etc, maybe you should take a good look at the circles you move in. But don't extend your experience to encompass all Muslims. You are making the same mistake as the original poster.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I said most . not all .
Besides , what I said is true Wael . If, suppose most muslims were true in their faith , we(muslims) wouldn't be in this state of humiliation .
Oh thanks for clarifying, that's a lot better and reflective or reality
Sicilian this might seem blunt and straightforward but did you convert primarily for Allah SWT and al-Islam or primarily for finding a good spouse? That is the fundamental question you should ask yourself. Muslim men and Muslim women are no different from other men and women. They will lie and cheat you. I think its important to be realistic about marriage, there are millions of Muslims in the US, there is absolutely no need to import a spouse and risk such rejection. You also have to be realistic about everything. Whether the imam spoke English or Urdu is irrelevant. Why wasn't there an interpreter there? And I have never meet an imam in my 28 years in the US that doesn't completely understand English and have a working knowledge on how to speak? Surely you are not the first American Muslim he has had contact with and I find it ridiculous that you just sat there are your wife could have told a different story to the imam about your relationship without you knowing. This has nothing to do with religion in as much as it has to do with being practical.
If I were you I would have pulled that visa out before she got a green card. That's past the point
Lastly why give up fasting? Isn't the point of fasting to endure hardship? I lost my job too in part for discrimination aginst being Muslim and I worked as a federal contractor and it made me stronger. There are plenty more opportunities for a driven young invidual like you. Think about it this way, look at all the politicans in Washington and how they screwd us out of healthcare, a good economy etc, do I lose faith in our democracy because of them? No, because my belief in our constitution is independent of the actions of politicans. Similarly your faith is independent of the actions of a idiots few idiots.
Hope you are doing better. Everyone hurts brother. Fast, seriously, it will help
I disagree. Most Muslims are sincere in their faith. However, we have a minority who are corrupt, and that minority tends to seek power, and rules over the Ummah with corruption and self-interest.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
WS Wael I agree, sadly I did not use my login so I could go back and edit the post. What I meant to say was Muslims are humans too and within us are a minority who hold less reputable human feelings such as greed and wouldn't mind hurting another person to fullfil their own selfish goals. Don't equate Muslims to perfection Sicilian you are bound to fail because what is flawless is Islam. Humans are flawed.
we gotta be very much cautious about the demarcation between religion and the people. Insha'allah you will be rewarded by Allah for this, for sure
PS The first line of my post was sarcastic. Muslim guy...God just be thankful it's Ramadan.
You seem to be highly optimistic . Good for you, but the world doesn't function that way . I don't need to explain further . Look around yourself , you will find plenty of examples.
You are the company you keep. thats for sure no matter were you come from.
I am so sorry to read of your troubles Sicilian72! I am actually a Christian American, but I have some knowledge of Pakistani culture because I dated a Pakistani Muslim for two years. I can assure you that not all people from Pakistan are like your ex-wives. He was always honest and up front with me and truly cared about me and my life. I even studied Islam to learn more and see if it was a good fit for me spiritually. Alas, I never converted and we parted ways because he ended up marrying a girl from back home due to his culture (and because I did not convert), but he was a good soul that always looked out for my well being. I am sorry you are going through a spiritual block as well, but I would think that if you started practicing again, there would be major comfort and you will find peace. Also, I truly think you would be happy marrying someone in the Western culture. There are many women out there who are good, pious, and well-adjusted. There are also many reverts, you just have to find them. Again, I am so sorry for you and your loss, but perhaps Allah has better plans for you?
Sister Jenna
You sound like a really decent person, i'm not sure but i think ive read that you have had alot of interaction with people of the Muslim faith and if im not mistaken you are studying the religion and possibly considering embracing Islam.
Observing you and reading what youve written to a person who is suffering lulls in their Islam and then having the innate wisdom to advise them the most sound piece of advise offered in this situation which was to restart practicing Islam again, spells out that your heart already resided in Islam too.
I remember when I first wore the hijab my cousins whom started wearing the hijab before me in their early teens, observed that when male staff entered our living area I would cover my hair and the scarf on my head was more than a result of being getting used to the traditional attire of my home country.
So when they gleefully asked me" Ohh you wear the hejab now?!" I said no! But it hit me that I was wearing the 'hejab' for 5 years without admitting to myself that i had become a mohajiba when in fact my heart had accepted the hejab for FIVE years but my denial didnt want me to admit that because i didnt really think about it, but looking back i realise I didnt want to 'lock myself' into that.
No one forced me into it now when i look back i cant believe how petty it was to live in denial of what IS the most beautiful part of my identity. No one forced me into it, but if you ask me what i would want different, i wish someone had convinced me to wear it before because considering anything else and reflecting seems so alien.
I hope you know where im going and what im pointing out. Maybe your heart has already crossed over into Islam already. Thats all it really is, just for your heart to embrace Allah.
Its obvious your instincts recognise Islam as the ultimate truth and the unadulterated word of Allah swt, and you sound knowledgeable enough to realise that this is something you can't afford to procrastinate on, we simply don't know how long we will live and we must say alshahada "there is one God and Mohammed is his prophet" and embrace Allah in our hearts before we die.
I think its time you do, don't you? 🙂
As well as pray and fast, zakat and hajj, but the most important is to pray and fast as soon as you start.
Jenna: I dated a Pakistani Muslim for two years. Dating is haram.
Islam does not allow dating. This guy could have married a girl from back home even if you had converted for him.
Just for the info .
Pakistanis and some other nationals are banned to apply for permanent residency after 9/11 . The ban is still intact . The only way they can get a green card is by marrying a U.S national .
I am sorry but you were the gateway . Marrying you was just her requirement to get a green card .
Next time , be careful when choosing a spouse . Also , draw up a strong pre-nup agreement in your favor . Always secure your rights first .
I m not sure who told you that but it's incorrect. I know plenty of Pakistanis who have applied for greencard after 9/11 without marrying an American citizen and have got their greencards.
I apologize for the wrong info I posted . I confirmed it now and it appears that pakistanis are allowed to apply . Thanks for the correction , Mr.Mansoor Ansari
I m not sure who told you that but it's incorrect. I know plenty of Pakistanis who have applied for greencard after 9/11 without marrying an American citizen and have got their greencards
They must have relatives in U.S .
Salaams All and Ramadhan Kareem,
@Sicilian Brother- Insha'Allah this dark phase you are going through will pass. Our experiences good or bad are a benefit to us in the long run. Although in the midst of all that anger and pain, it's difficult to see that. It is unfair to blame Islam for what you have experienced.
Learn of the advice that our beloved Prophet SAW dispensed when on the quest for a spouse and what to look for. Namely they should be strong in faith and thus of a good nature. Also it is essential that you share some common ground in terms of culture, otherwise how will you bond?
I'm sorry for your pain and I hope you learn from this, please look to your own actions on how you tackled this matter rather than laying the blame with Islam as you seemed rather naive in your approach.
Be grateful for every day that you wake up and see every day as a gift from Allah, in granting us all another chance at bettering ourselves. Keep on learning and understanding. Education is your best defence.
Regarding the discussion about users for green cards etc. In my opinion, it is so that the majority of those who carry the label of Muslim do not do Islam justice at all. I suggest that a majority are indeed hypocrites as mentioned above and that does not mean I am in that circle, but we all see things going on around us etc.. It's a sad state of affairs, nevertheless our Prophet SAW gave warnings of such times of fitnah and of sects and factions. Of course there are good Muslims, so be patient and positive.
I am of Pakistani origin too and share that opinion that most are opportunists out for gain. Sorry fellow Paks, it's true and you know it. Most countries known as Muslim countries actually fail in educating it's peoples of the true beauty of Islam and have polluted and diluted things with their own deviant beliefs and cultures. However that's a whole other debate.
I definitely agree with Sis Z's point about going to a good Masjid in order to avoid the cultural cliques and learn about Islam more. Learn the Sirah(biography) of Prophet Muhammad SAW and of the extreme hardships he faced. Our hardships make us better people if we learn from them and lose not heart.
Regards
Brother Rash you judge other muslims , "but not you our your circle" and all pakistani people but not your circle i suppose, i truly dont undertsand people who make such generalizations about the whole ummah brother what special powers do you have that validate such RIDICULOUS STATEMENTS, or do you watch tv or walk around the streets picking and choosing who is a hypocrites and so on in your opinion, please get over yourself and stop doing the shaytan and khafirs work by putting your fellow muslims down Allahamdulilaah iam a MUSLIM and proud and love all my brothers and sisters in islam with or without their Faults.
Brother i bow to your superior intelligence, you keep on judging people, lets see where that gets you and i will find an excuse for my fellow muslim brothers and sisters when i can.
And brother iam not pakistani and i have never waved any national flag,..
Some people choose to live in ignorance .
Rash
"Defensive attitudes such as yours only serve to resist improvements in the Ummah. Perhaps its lax attitudes like your 'live and let live and turn a blind eye philosophy' is the shaytaan's work."
Excellent point- i couldn't agree more regarding the Ummah which includes every country and nationality. We ought to take all criticism with a pinch of salt and finally overcome the belated task of shifting our over inflated ego's asides and see the constructiveness behind all criticism.
Who in their right mind would disagree with constructive criticism, but to go around saying that most or the majority of muslims or pakistani any other muslim land are hypocrites, then that is something no sane person would agree with, iam sorry if you and your like mined think iam dumb or egoist or what ever other label you want to stick on me but that just the way i see things.
No one says your dumb dear Zeena
Even if you read something as being an exaggeration, don't dismiss it all together if there is an ounce of truth in it.
Many times nationals of my country are judged and instead of being sensetive i take that as a platform to see what is true. Often when i have learned to move my ego asides i find it is true and when you step back and really look the issues at hand are way bigger than toiling over small differences and what is being critisied is actually something thats begging to be addressed and fixed.
The question is who would you rather fix it, yourself of let other 'less sensitive' people (often with an agenda) do it for you then you end up with a even bigger mess.
Just dwell on what i said and read the links i provided before you choose to rush into an answer
Also a valid point
" Pakistan is not even an Islamic country. Most of the population are deviant sects such as shia, sufi and barelvi. They have a warped view of our Holy Prophet SAW and gloryfy and worship him over Allah SWT. That would explain their nature."
There are so many bidaa and people are associating nationalism with their own custom blend version of Islam. Im not just talking about what has been pointed out about Pakistan here, but other countries like Russia; I recently met with a Russian family that said they moved to Turkey to be in a more "islamic environment" and in my opinion mainstream Turkey is far too secular in regards to Islamic practice. But for them they said that Islam was so malformed back in their country due to bidaa that they found Turkey to be a better alternative.
Secularism is become the antidote for wars lead against islam because of ignorance and bidaa's.
Slowly but surely Islam is being shaped by non muslims, because we Muslims arent making an effort to fix our own people and our countries.
This should be everyones priority, pride and arrogance argumentativeness & most of all ignorance is doing more bad than good and the real joke is on us.
Do you want to know what it is?
Check these two site out and see for yourself.
http://www.irfi.org/articles2/articles_3151_3200/rand%20corp%20-%20new%20designs%20for%20muslim%20worldhtml.htm
http://www.pakalertpress.com/2011/02/21/the-middle-east-and-then-the-world/
guys, guys guys. allah is sufficient for us and he is the best disposer of affairs. PERIOD.
i no what you mean but we muslim have sat back and just took what other people have said about us for to long with all their generalisations and comments on how backward we are, so when i hear the same generalisation coming for muslims i just cant take it because its not what i have seen and grown up with, i have grown up with pakistani bengalis indian somali yemani muslims and we all had to look out for each other because their were only about 50 familys in all white areas in the 70s and 80s uk, so i looked on all these people as my family and still do and the were people who where so close to their culture and good muslims to,
sorry i dont mean 50 familys in whole uk just the city i was born in.
It would be interesting to know feedback regarding the links ive provided
I submit i read the links (sister? brother?) their was a time when all i would read is about conspiracy theories and new world order stuff not saying that the link is not true or possible, and that the powers that be have a plan for us and all that, one day i came to the conclusion like a bolt of lighting hit me " why iam i worring about things that i will never control my own life is out of control why dont i perfect my salat my wudu read my quran my children my own inner jihad is enough for me what iam i doing wasting my time on this other stuff, in the end islam will be the victor so i need to work on myself, and thats what iam trying to do , start from the bottom up with are selves and the next generation.
Im a sister, and no sister Zeena, this isnt a conspiracy theory or the world is run by lizards, this is very much part of our Islam, I'm sure many would recognise the signs of the last day and see the obvious link. Before Islam will become the victor in the end, it will suffer and many will loose their deen, personally i prefer to be knowledgable and try to take the opportunity, which is also a duty to maintain our deen as much as possible, and id like to make sure my kids do that too...But good for you, hope your comfy doing what you do.
thank you sister you sound like a lovely person.
AA:
Well brother; you really had it bad, but what can I say, welcome to life 🙂
May I ask what happened in your first marriage? Was it the same thing or it just did not work out? In other words, is it one after another doing same for you or was the first marriage legit?
But all in all, I think it is just a punch of bad circumstances! Trust me brother, it happens. Not to mention you seem to be an easy going guy and easy to take advantage of. And as for the second wife, you can easily divorce her, and I think you can even call immigration on her if you want to go that route.
All you have to do now is stop, think, and continue with your life. It is not the religion, it is the people that are missing things up with you. Many other Muslim men would marry women from over seas and when they get here, same thing happens. I am sure there are other mosques or centers you can contact. If you want, you can even contact me cause I hate to see people join Islam just to be treated badly. I am on ...... (email deleted by Editor, IslamicAnswers.com) I pray to ALLAH to forgive your anger and not fasting Ramadan and I pray he gives you guidance and grant you patience and direction to the best path. 🙂
AA
hi. i am from Pkistan male 35 a single father of 2 kids. i read ur story here. feeling very bad. she used u. no doubt she was a bad girl. u know it is said here in Pakistan that i am a Pakistani & proud to b a Pakistani. but now i am feeling very shame . plz forgive but we all r not bad. it is universal truth that good & bad ppl r every where. ue well wisher A true Pakistani.
Wow I am so sorry to hear that. I too am a Lebanese revert (girl) and I am currently feeling similarly. Especially because I've been betrayed and used by several Muslim men recently. 🙁 what I would suggest honestly (and I'm sortve doing this myself) is instead of running further from Islam, draw yourself closer thru salah and dhiker and fasting.
I myself always have been wary of Muslims looking to get married that aren't US citizens (I was born here in USA as well) but that doesn't mean that all Muslims don't practice what they preach
BintElSham: Especially because I've been betrayed and used by several Muslim men recently.
You are not allowed to meet non-mahram men alone. You believed in their lies and let them use you. You did consensual things with them in the hope they will marry you.
Okay you don't know the story or what we did or didn't do or if we were alone or what I mean by use so please stop assuming. I am giving him advice and you're pointing out something irrelevant that you know nothing of.
there are alot of american pakistanis who will not use you for anything coz they already have green cards you can marry one of them
secondly it is a test of faith whether you leave Allah and religion ,or religious duties temporarily or permanently here it shows your failure. this world is full of 7 billion people and out of those 7 billion two have betrayed you the rest of are still there.
Allah knows our weaknesses, weak points and Allah tests you by taking away that thing so please be patient ask for help. i hope you are now normal its been 5 years.
secondly brother! offering prayer, observing fast is our duty and responsibility as a Muslim. it is a must. whether you have a wife or not. if you dont do your duty you will be responsible and accountable for it not your wife or any other person.
Lorelei Lee: there are a lot of american pakistanis who will not use you for anything coz they already have green cards you can marry one of them
Men will use any girl willing to do it. Green card/citizenship holders will also use but when they had enough sex they will declare their parents forcibly married them when they went to visit Pakistan. Some of these guys will want to be continue as "FRIENDS". May even say they don't love their wife.
A citizen Pakistani has more chances of doing it, because girls who need citizenship will go after him.
he is a male not female. i m speaking from a male point of view. female muslim pakistanis, non pakistanis american national holders are living there.
his intention is pure not evil. he will not use any girl for sex. he is a revert and wanted to have a good wife which unfortunately he could nt have.
all muslim girls know sex before marriage is haraam if you do haram the result will be in a destrcution
You should date the girl first and see what she is like that is what is written in islaam this kind of dating is just talking and chatting and getting to know each other its not that every muslimah does this if it were then why wouldnt the whole world be in chaos right now
?
You should not use the word "dating" as it's confusing and conjures up images of non-Muslim and haram practices. Be specific in what you are suggesting. Are you saying that men and women should spend time together? Spend time together alone?
I've seen your comments on other posts and I think you have some wrong ideas about appropriate male-female relations in Islam. What you are advising will almost certainly lead to haram activities. It's human nature.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor