Islamic marriage advice and family advice

New Convert, Pregnant and Married to Abusive Man

Pregnant woman depressed

As Salam alakum, my name is April and I am in need of some help, some guidance, Please oh please. I am a Muslim woman revert/convert of Islam for about a year. I was dating a man who was already muslim And he taught me most of my learning of Islam. We watched lectures together and I found My self falling inlove with this way of life, it Gave me happiness and a freedom I have Never felt , especially when I prayed.

I soon Found out I am supposed to be married if I Want to be with the man I was dating forever, And he wanted the same with me. We talked and that was what we both wanted but we procastonated on the matter . We were Amazing together in the beginning always happy We loved each other so much and we were going on the right path but we couldn't seem to get out of the rut we were in with sex before marriage. We just fell into a hole.

That's when the fighting Started and everyday got worse. We both have a bad Past, both have one daughter whom doesn't live with us but visits regularly. I soon fell pregnant which I am so happy about as I love children. But the fighting was then so bad.

We decided we need to get married for the sake Of Allah and our children. My boyfriend promised me That once we got married everything would get better. So we got married.

But things never did get better. I am 6 months pregnant and my Husband is so horrible to me. He gets mad at other Things that happen and take it all out on me. He calls me horrible names I don't want to say because they are Sooo bad the worst things you can think of, and tells me I'm fat and gross and tells me he wishes he never marries me. He lies to hurt me telling me he cheated on me.

He has Even put his hands on me, pulled my hair, spit on me. And all while I'm pregnant. He says sorry and begs for Forgiveness and promises to change but he never does. And I am starting to fall apart. I need Allah but I push him Away because I'm becoming selfish and depressed all I want Is to die. This is hurting me so much and I'm losing faith and I'm scared. Terrified I will never be able to have Allah in my life. Please help me I don't know what to do. I am breaking.

- April

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21 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Dear sister, I can sense how much pain and confusion you are experiencing. It seems like you have been trying to do everything in submission hoping that it will bring a good outcome for you and your family, but so far it seems the opposite is happening. I wish I could say that with time and patience everything will work out, that your husband will repent and treat you as you deserve, and you will have the Islamic family you are dreaming of. I wish I could make a wish and have all that come true for you, but I can't.

    Sister, is there a family member or someone else you might be able to stay with until the baby is born? My biggest concern is for the safety of you both. Statistically physical abuse is more common against pregnant women, and needless to say there is a risk of harm against two lives. Depending on where you live, there is an additional risk that your baby could be taken from you if the authorities believe it will be cared for in a home where abuse is evident. I know it's ripping your heart out to think about giving up on your new marriage, but truly the most important thing right now is for you and your baby to be in a safe place while you are evaluating the future of your marriage.

    I know how challenging this time must be for you. I want you to know that despite all the questions and difficulties that are tearing at you, Allah will never desert you in your time of need. He will provide every need for you and the life He put in you, so hang on to the faith He's given you. I wouldn't be able to tell you this if I hadn't been in a situation almost identical to yours, so let me reassure you that you have nothing to fear as long as you cling to Allah, even if it's by your teeth! There's a song by irfan makki if you can look it up on YouTube called "Allah knows"- I dedicate that song to you now. Please take the time to listen to the lyrics and try to feel the love and care Allah has for you no matter what happens. I believe I can say on behalf of all of us editors that you will be in our Duas and thoughts. We are all hoping with you that you will find peace both within your heart and in your circumstances, and that you will experience the mercy and sustenance of Allah's love during this test.

    -Amy Editor

  2. Salaams Sister,
    I am so thankful for your comment , it touched
    My heart and the song you dedicated to me also
    Touched my heart and soul. I do not have anyone
    I can stay with until the baby is born but, I can spend
    Some nights at my mothers and visit my mother inlaw
    During the day sometimes. My mother inlaw knows
    About my situation and has helped me through this alot
    And would have me stay there if she had the room but
    She doesn't. My mother doesn't know anything of this
    She has been having alot of health problems and needs
    My help for alot of things and i don't want to burden her
    With knowing my marriage is this bad , I like her to stay
    Happy and think it's very good for me so she doesn't have
    More stress to deal with as my past relationships have been
    Worse than this before and that hurt her so much. She would
    Love to have me at her house all the time but her situation
    Won't allow her to have anyone stay in her home. I also
    Wish my marriage could just become better and my husband
    Would repent and ask Allah for help to become a better man
    And stop hurting me inside and out. I wish I could have that
    Dream Muslim family, loving home and life. My husband is
    Amazing to me and our unborn child when he is not angry.
    When he is happy and has no problems to trigger his anger
    He is my dream come true in everyway. But when he's angry
    He scares me, hurts me physically and emotionally. Then
    Once he has calmed down he breaks down and tells me he is
    Sorry and he will change and how mad he is at himself for what
    He has said and done then he goes on to tell me how much he
    Loves me and how blessed he is to have me and how beautiful
    I am and alot more things that I fall for everytime , then I cling to
    That and forgive him and give him chance after chance. I don't know
    Why it is so hard for me to walk out go tell someone that can help me
    Or something. I cry to Allah begging for some sign to come so I can
    Know what to do and what is best for me and our family. But I just
    Don't know what to look for. I know now Allah will always be by my
    Side thanks to you. I will always remember that he is here and knows
    And I will keep looking to my dear greatest creator for help and guidance.
    You have helped me to not give up sister. Thank you so much. I have never
    Had someone support me and care for me as you have in your comment.
    Thank you for the song too, it is such an amazing feeling listening to it

    • Dear April, Asalaamualaykum

      What you are going through is terrible, your husband is abusing you.

      Which country do you live in?

      SisterZ Editor

  3. I live in Canada sister. Thank you for your concern.

  4. I am sorry for the late replies as we probably
    Live in different time zones. Thank you both
    For the help. I am so blessed to have the
    Opportunity to communicate with you both.
    Thanks to Allah.

    • Dear April,

      Amy has given you some good advice. What do you think? Are you considering seeking help from an authority?

      The behaviour that your husband is showing is extremely abusive. If he becomes abusive and then starts telling you he loves you again, this is a cycle that all abusers use. I have seen this many times with many sisters. He has clearly broken you so much that you have lost all self importance and dignity, which is why you remain with him despite his abuse. It is not ok to repeatedly abuse someone and then keep saying sorry - that apology means nothing.

      Your husband will not change by you allowing yourself to be his physical and verbal punch bag. You must stand up and protect the precious life that Allah has given you and the new life to come - the life of the baby that is inside you and is after Allah, is looking to you for warmth, love and protection. How will you look after your baby when you are breaking? Any man who is as you have described is not worthy of being called a man, father or husband.

      April - you have the ability to make that vital change in your life. It will involve some difficult decisions, but will be for your betterment. You can live without this man and you can fend for yourself. You are a woman, if you are able to carry a life inside you which is such an amazing thing, you can also take the steps needed to protect yourself.

      I hope you will take the right steps. If you wish to speak to Amy, or myself to any other of our female Editors, please let us know here and we will email you privately inshaAllah.

      SisterZ Editor

  5. I was wondering , how can you post so many questions with different scenarios each time . Sometime you post a question as a male or a female . With no offence intended , are you a troll ?

    • The author of this post - 'April' is real.

      If anyone has difficulty submitting a post, or we see a query of an urgent nature submitted as a comment, one of our Editors uses the generic name 'Flyingfish' to submit the post.

      SisterZ Editor

  6. Dear April

    I feel your pain and have survived it. Do some research and you will find that Islamic men cherish cattle, sheep and goats higher than they do women. Cattle, sheep and goats have monetary value. According to the way islam, women are less valuable. They are taught this from young childhood. Islam is a political policy NOT a religion.

    I would suggest you seek Christian help through an outreach program or a church. Explain your situation and the evil that islam has inflicted on you. . Christianity teaches love, to cherish the wife and chidren, to hold her in high regard. Christ teaches about love. A Christian community will protect you and help you get to where you need to be for the sake and safety of you and your unborn child.

    According to islam law, since I refuse to obey their so called 'laws', I should immediately be put to death. After the death of all non-islam people, that is when islam says there will be peace.

    Barbaric islam is about perversion. My God is full of love and forgiveness. I pray to God and Jesus that you and your child will be safe.

    Deb Simpson

    P.S. --- I am rather looking forward to those who chose to reply to my post for I am a Christian and I do NOT live in fear.

    • Deborah, your post is silly. You are the one who needs to do your research. The Quran says:

      "Whoever does righteous acts, whether male or female, while he is a believer, verily, to him We will give a good life, and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do." - Quran 16:97

      This shows that Islam values men and women equally as spiritual beings.

      The Prophet Muhammad (Peace be Upon Him) said:

      “This world is just temporary conveniences, and the best comfort in this word is a righteous woman.” (reported in Saheeh Muslim)

      (not a sheep or cow as you claimed, lol).

      And he said:

      "Verily, women are the twin halves of men." (Abu Dawood, Tirmidhi & others)

      He also said:

      "The most complete believer is the best in character, and the best of you is the best to his womenfolk."

      Also, what you wrote about being put to death for not being Muslim is nonsense. Whoever has been feeding you this stuff is either ignorant or is deliberately slandering Islam. The Quran says:

      “Let there be no compulsion in religion. Truth has been made clear from error. Whoever rejects false worship and believes in God has grasped the most trustworthy handhold that never breaks. And God hears and knows all things.” (Quran 2:256)

      Of course there are Muslims who do bad things. Being Muslim does not turn people into angels. There are also Christians who do terrible things, and Hindus, and atheists... human beings are human beings. But the religion of Islam itself is beautiful and pure, and those who follow it truly are the most humble, faithful, spiritual, kind people you will ever meet.

      Lastly, if you are truly sincere in your desire to follow Jesus (peace be upon him) then you should be Muslim, because Jesus (like all Prophets) was a Muslim, and taught nothing but the Oneness of God, which is the fundamental principle of Islam. One of the reasons that God revealed the Quran was to correct the mistakes of the Christians and call them back to a pure way.

      Wael Editor

      • You are misinformed. Jesus was brought up Jewish.

        • I was not speaking of his race, but of the essence of his faith. He believed in one God, and he submitted his will to that of God. That is Islam. In the same way, Adam was Muslim, Noah was Muslim, Abraham, Moses - all the Prophets and Messengers of God, including Muhammad - were all Muslim. The details of what was prohibited or allowed varied according to time and place, but the essence of their faith was always the same, and the principles of kindness, righteousness and justice were universal among them. The Prophet Muhammad declared that all the Prophets were his brothers.


    • Deborah,

      the difference betwix islam and christianity, is that islam is based upon certain knowledge and righteous action.whereas christianity is based on emotions and desires.
      islam is not just about state policy, it is a complete way of life.

      the shariah is not just about capital punishments, it involves every single aspect of the mulim's life.
      what he says when he goes to bed, how he prays, how he goes to the toilet, what he says when having sex.

      men and women in this religion are equal spiritually, though they are not equal in this worldly life, they are both treated fairly.

      i dont know what hocus pocus you have been taught, but christ [peace be upon him].was not just all about love, he made his intentions very claer, when he said,

      "dont think i have come to bring peace to this world, for i have come to bring nothing but a sword"

  7. Deborah,

    I read your response to this post and was rather disappointed to read it. First of all someones religion, no matter what they choose to believe whether it be Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, etc., is not an illness that is to be "cured" by Christianity. Second of all this is a website where people are asking others for help and support for problems in their life and relationships, not a place to come and be hostile to other people, as you are being in your message. Third your behavior is not very Christianlike whatsoever, as a follower of Jesus you should know that Jesus preached a message of love and of treating others with kindness, love and respect, no matter who they were and it is disrespectful for you to come on to this message board and preach hate and spread negativity, to quote the Bible, "Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own?" Matthew 7. I suggest you learn more about Christianity and about Islam before you begin to preach one against the other.


  8. Assalaam walekum Warahmatullahi wa barakatuhu sister April,

    After reading your post struck to my mind, ( with regards to your suffering after marriage only),lifetimes of one of our beloved prophet sallallahu Alaihi Wa sallam's wife ( ummul mominin).Frankly I dont remeber her name.She had accepted Islam in early days of Islam along with her first husband.They migrated to a place outside mecca after acceptance.After sometime her husband turned into a disbeliever and she was left in a state of loneliness, away from her family.But she continued to practice Islam even when her husband was involved in non islamic activities.And eventually she happens to come in Nikaah of our beloved Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi wa Sallam.

    So all I will say is Sister April, hold onto what you have been blessed with.You are not alone.There have been examples set forward in Islam by people who have been in situation like you, so take inspiration from that.

    Regarding pregnancy, as per hadiths a mother in times of pregnancy, untill two years of breast feeding has sawaab of matyr, a aalim who prays whole night, a fast keeper.It is a matter of believing in these sawaab only.

    And my teacher once told me, regarding pain I suffer in life, that it is only for expiation of sins I have committed.And that I should be happy that there would be no questions asked about those sins in the after life if I happen to die with Imaan.

    Inshaallah you are in nothing to lose situation as far as after life is considered.

    May Allah make words put in this forum by all of us, to act as an healing/ soothing ointment to your worldly wounds.Aamin

    May allah have mercy upon me and others if I have intentionally or unintentionally written something wrong in HIS or His Beloved Prophet' Name.

    Allah Hafiz wa Nasir

    • Dear Mohammed, I know this is a late reply, just wanted to say thankyou because after reading your following statement I have found sudden hope
      "And my teacher once told me, regarding pain I suffer in life, that it is only for expiation of sins I have committed.And that I should be happy that there would be no questions asked about those sins in the after life if I happen to die with Imaan."
      I have read about this at many places but right now your comment came at the exact moment.Alhamdulilah!!

      Because I am suffering from some problems like many here and I have been searching and searching and feel like I am stuck in a viscous circle of suffering and asking Allah so many questions about it and just now after reading your comment I feel like I have the answer. jazakAllah Khair. May Allah guide and bless us all.

  9. Salaam April,
    I am so sorry for what you are going through. Are you financially dependent on him? Is there an Imam or someone who can call him and talk to him? Continuing the cycle is offers no incentive for him to change.

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