Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Converted to Islam but scared to tell parents

muslimah

"O ye who believe! seek help with patient perseverance and prayer; for Allah is with those who patiently persevere." Quran 2:253

Assalam aleikum brothers and sisters,

i would like to have your view points on a problem. I've now been a muslim for a year and i'm married as well. i haven't told my parents since i haven't finished school and for them, getting married without finishing my university studies is a bad choice.

As for my conversion, I am very afraid to tell them because they are very christian and i depend on them for financial support at least until i finish university. I know that my mother could be more tolerant then my father since her brother( one of my uncles) converted to islam and i didn't see her critisize him openly. If i tell them that i'm a convert and that i'm married at the same time, i'm afraid thay will think that i was brainwashed by my husband which is of course not true and my father could very well reject me since he is completly against muslims. I'll be in third year next year and i'm thinking i should tell them when i finish school.

what do yo think?

barakallahu fik

-hELEN


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19 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum,

    I don´t really know why you wrote to us, but it seems to me that you want to reassure something you don´t want to see, here it goes then, please sit down and breath deeply, you may get some surprises,

    Just talk about facts, you have married behind your family, your family don´t know about the most important decisions you have taken in your life and it has been a year keeping this secret, how do you manage? do you know this is lying and at the same time you are living a lie? how did your muslim husband consent to celebrate this marriage? doesn´t he know this is haram? is he just using you for his needs?

    He was the one that should encourage you to tell your parents you convert and then marry you in front of everyone, he has acted very selfish and you in your way too, your parents should know about your marriage, I assume this is your first marriage, you had the right to have a wali (your father or someone responsible for you that will defend your rights) your "husband" knows this, you have given up some of your rights as muslimah.

    Through your post I assume your husband cannot support you financially and you are using your parents to support you, is this fare? They are good enough to support you but not good enough to share with them your real life. You should stop yourself, seriously and assume all that you did and still doing wrong, this sounds to me that avoiding a mess you have put yourself under a very tricky situation.

    You have to go, step by step, and begin to move.

    Which are the real intentions of your husband towards you? He is safe, living with a woman that he doesn´t have to support or even care about her family, what is he giving to you? He didn´t give you the essential, Honesty.

    Don´t you think that one lie takes to other lie, while your parents are ignorant, and you are scared to tell them, you are living a lie thinking you are being a good muslimah, sister, this man is taking advantage of your situation, while your family doesn´t know he is free from guilt, what about his family? do they know he is married? do you go to his family´s house?

    The following post talks about a muslim man wanting to marry a convert,

    http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/marry-without-permission-parents

    For a marriage to be valid has to accomplish the following issues:

    As far as I know, one of the conditions of a valid marriage is that it must be done openly. The husband and wife must be known as a husband and wife. Secret marriages are not valid in Islam.
    Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said: “There is no (young) woman who got married without the consent of her guardian except that the marriage will be invalid.”

    For a marriage to be valid certain conditions must be met:

    1) Consent of both parties.
    2) "Mahr" - a gift from the groom to the bride.
    3) Witnesses.
    4) The marriage should be publicized. (It should never be kept secret as this can lead to suspicion and troubles within the community.)

    taken from http://www.jannah.org/sisters/marr.html

    I am sorry for telling you all of this but you seem to be living in a world of lies, come back to the real life with all the consequences, you are scared of your parents reactions, I would be scared of this man dark intentions, your fears are his security.

    Your parents are your parents, your father may be annoyed for a while, but you are the girl of his eyes, he wouldn´t be able to live being annoyed to you for too long, I am sure of this, and your mother will be there smoothing the situation, insha´Allah.

    Please, forgive me for being so harsh and may Allah help and guide you to the straight Path, insha´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Just one little thing more, when I listen this person is very christian, scares me, the real values of a real christian enfathises, love your brother as I love you, and your brother is not just the other christians, if your parents are true christians, they may look at you deeply and if you bring to them the image of conversion as I see you right now, they are not going to see the muslimah you are, they are going to see how the same day you convert you began your journey of lying, hiding, using,.....to them, then sister, for a minute, understand all that your situation brings with it.

    Islam, converting, marrying, ettiquete, values, truth, honesty, family, ....please sister if you are old enough to do what you have done, you should begin to be conscious of the consequences of your acts and begin to mature to solve all this situation, to enter in the adults world takes more than words.

    Talk to the man you live with, talk to your mum and find all the support you can to deal with all of this.

    Begin to put everything in order and bring to Light all that you have been hiding in the dark for a full year. I hope my feelings towards the man you are with are wrong and that he will react as the muslim man he should be and support you through all this process, insha ´Allah.

    All my Unconditional Respect,

    María
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Assalam aleikum Maria,
    i find your answers to be quite jugemental and harsh. I came to post this here because i thought you'd be supportive. For your information, i went to the mosque and took the imam as my guardian and he agreed to celebrate our mariage because he knew what was going on in our lives. We also had 4 witnesses for the mariage. Al hamdoullillah, my husband's parents and all the people from his side know that we are married and living as husband and wife and it was a lawful mariage done in the mosque by an imam who is fully educated and knows islam very well. From my side only few friends that i trust know but i don't live in the same country as my parents so i don't have to hide this and invent lies.
    I am not ready to tell them yet and although, i'm not in the perfect situation, i do hope inchallah to tell them when i finish school.
    I guess i understand why you reacted this way but it is not for you to say if my mariage is valide or not and you just made you jugement without having a global view of the situation. My husband is a good man and supports me as he can emotionally and he's even ready to leave his studies to work if i decide to tell them so noo, he's not using me for his needs.
    Needless to say that posting this in your forum was a huge mistake. If i needed this kind of bad jugement, i could've gone anywhere else, i came to the forum because i thought that nice muslim brothers and sisters could say what they had to say having a global view of the situation first of all and second, at least saying what they have to say with a minimum of respect and compassion which is also what the prophet sws thought. Anyhow, i wish you well. i don't want to say anything bad.
    salam

  4. As for my father, only the people in the family know their family and i know who he is and how he is. Maybe Allah has blessed you with a good situation with understanding parents or even muslim parents, that is not my case and our society is a jugemental one and i know for a fact since we're talking facts that my conversion can end my relationship with my father. Again, posting this here was a huge mistake.
    I thank you anyway because you gave me an insight of how i'll feel when telling all of this to my parents. Only Allah knows a person's real life and what is in their hearts, he should be the only one i should turn to.
    salam

    • Dear Helen,

      I understand you are going through a difficult time. Sometimes its difficult for us to get the full picture due to the limited information that is given by writers and I am very sure that my colleague Maria did not intend to upset you. Many people write to us here saying they have had secret marriages and the husbands usually end up taking advantage of them, so perhaps some of these things were going through Maria's mind as she wrote to you. One thing I am sure of that she had your concerns at heart, although it may not have come across that way to you.

      The points she raised are quite valid ones, at the same time I can understand why it was difficult for you to speak to your parents openly about wanting to marry and convert etc. I was watching a program on an Islamic TV channel a few days ago and a sister rang in with a question very similar to yours. The young sister wanted to take her shahaadah very soon but she feared her parent's reaction. The young girl was dependant on her family for financial support as she was still studying. Unfortunately I did not here the reply of the Imam as it was nearing Iftaar.

      ***

      Having read your more recent information, I can see that your husband's family are aware that you are married and Alhumdulillah are supporting you. They seem to be a loving and caring family. At some point you will have to tell your family that you have reverted and have got married and they will probably be very upset - perhaps moreso because you have also got married without them knowing - but you know what your situation was at the time - perhaps you need the emotional support and this was the only way forward for you.

      Seeing as your mother seems to be more understanding, perhaps you could tell her first. Or perhaps you could start showing your parents that you have an interest in Islam. I say this because they are your parents and their feelings are also important so if you can gradually make them aware, it may cushion their reaction. Show them that even though you are interested in Islam, you are still the same person, infact you are a better person, you are more patient, more calm and spend more quality time with them etc.

      Sis, only you will know when it is the right time to tell your parents, but my feeling is that you should do it sooner rather than later - more so because of the marriage.

      I dont know which country you live in, but in the UK there is are some organisations set up to help sisters facing such issues. Two of the ones I know of are:

      http://www.mercymissionworld.org/uk/

      and

      http://www.solaceuk.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=104&Itemid=68

      Even if you do not live in the UK, please contact these organisations as you may find speaking to other sisters in your situation helpful. I pray Allah make this easy for you and softens your parents hearts inshaAllah.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Sister iam sorry if you think sister maria was harsh but if you look at your first post it does seem that you are using your parents financially "till at least you leave uni " that does seem disrespectful and why cant your husband support you if he took on the responsibility of marriage and hiding your marriage from them was a bad choice, it looks like you waiting to finish uni and then you will tell them, iam sorry but if you want people to say well done you and your husband behaved well that would be a lie sister you did not Allahamdulilaah that you have found islam and a husband but the ones who cared for you and still are deserve better from you and i think deep down you known this insha'Allah may Allah (swt) make it easy for you and your family when you do decide to tell them the truth about your life.

  6. Hi sister,

    Haven't you thought about your parents when you are getting married?Looks like you have disowned your parents.Weren't you need your parents consent and blessing at the time of marriage.I believe you have got married in hurry.

    Now the best thing you can do is , finish your university, go back to your home and tell about your new love which you had found.Initially do not go and tell them directly you already got married.Tell them you are into relationship with Muslim guy.See their reaction and give your parents enough time to digest this news.even after fighting for quite some time and if you feel they are never ever going to give their consent, at that point of time in future, come out of your house and go to your in-laws house and stay with your husband.They will think that our daughter asked for permission and when we didn't allow her,she went ahead with her decision.At least your parents will be less hurt through this way.

  7. assalam aleikum sisters,
    i did think about my parents but if i told them, i feared that it would cause disruptions for them as well as for me. Knowing my parents, i think my mum, even if she would be angry, she would never let anything bad happen to me and could be on my side but that isn't the case for my father and sister and not only would this upset my mum, i would create problems between my parents also and since they don't have a good relationship, i would do even more damage between them. As for my mariage, i didn't know what else to do. It was my husband who introduced me to islam, i loved him for this, i guess i was blinded by love, islam was new to me and he was the only one i trusted so i got married.
    I realise that i could've waited now but what is done is done. I will deal with the consequences at the right time which in my opinion is when i finish university. My parents have huge misconseptions about islam, i know since i myself was like that, i'm prepared to face all of that but i should at least show them that i'm a responsible adult who's made a decision and that it's not just a phase.
    Thank you for your advice

    salam

  8. Asalamu Alaikom. First off, I think people could be a little more sensative to a sister who is asking for help in a tough situation. How can anyone feel comfortable coming here for help and advice when this is the way they are responded to..just sayin!

    Helen, it is to my knowledge, Allahu allem, that if information is withheld for the sake of saving someone's feelings or to not cause harm upon someone, that it is acceptabble. I have also been in the ssituation of having to tell my parents and family about my reverting to Islam, and it was no easy feat. Elhamdulilah with time, and with exposure they have learned to if not accept, tollerate my Islam. When the time comes for you to tell them, may Allah make it easy on you, and may he open their hearts and open their minds and may he not only help them to accept you as a muslim, may he also guide them to the truth as well.

    Salam

  9. Assalam aleikum,
    thank you daniel, it's very difficult and my hiding the truth wasn't really all about me, they live in a society where people are not open minded and if people find out i am a muslim, they will talk behind my parents back saying their daughter became a muslim, which, trust me, doesn't have a good conotation for them. There will be a lot to deal with and now is not the time. Like i said, i'm in the middle of my studies and i want them to see me a responsible person who's made a decision and who's changed gradually. That is what imam told me anyways and even if it hurts not to say anything to my parents, this is the best solution i've found. It may seem to you as if i'm using them but the truth is, i would like nothing more than to tell but weighing the situation, i can't.
    Anyway, thank you again sister

  10. Dear sisters,
    Am in the same situation as sister Helen,though am not married.I got a sponsor who is a muslim and am in college.he guided me to islam and i embraced islam though my parents dont know.Of late i have loved my sponsor and am willing to marry him.But he told me to tell my parents first of my conversion then the other will follow.The main question is how do i tell my staunch christian parents who love me most among their children.
    thanks

    • My dear Sister Christine,

      Welcome to Islam, maashaAllah! May Allah(swt) make your journey easy for you inshaAllah, aameen! Many sisters are in this same situation as you and my heart goes out to you so much. I can understand, this must be so very difficult for you. On the one had you have accepted Islam, and on the other hand you are having to live this in secret out of both love for and fear of your parents.

      Could you possibly start to break the news of your conversion slowly, by introducing Islam to them? Start letting them know you are interested in the religion by bringing Islamic books home - see how they react. They may eventually warm up, they may not, so is it possible for you to move out - to a student campus if you are studying? I can imagine how difficult this situation is, especially for sisters in certains countries, as moving out before marriage may not be the norm.

      There is no way to cushion your parent's reaction. But you can try to cushion the affect on yourself, perhaps by building a strong network of Muslims female friends around you. Do you know any other Muslim sisters or communities who can provide you with moral support and a place to stay if need be? Do you know any Imam who can act as your Wali to represent you and to look out for you? If you have this support already, it will be much better for you, as most likely, your parents will not take nicely to your coversion. Adding to this, is this man you wish to marry, willing to marry you regardless of your parent's reaction?

      Please carefully consider all the things I have said and the questions I have posed. May Allah help you, guide you and soften your parents hearts towards you and Islam.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I wanted to also add that Allah will reward you for your struggle. You may have read stories of Rasool(sws) and his Companions - they too underwent extreme difficulties when they accepted Islam. They were rejected by their whole families and tribes. But they patiently persevered and Allah showed them a way forward.

        So my sister, make hearty dua to Allah and remember that even if you do face some hostility from your parents when they come to know of your reversion to Islam, you are doing so for the sake of Allah - and He(swt) will not let you down.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswer.com Editor

  11. Maria, salam alekuim sister. I want to thank you because this is the truth. I am actually in the same situation but I am 17. At 18 I am going to tell my parents I am Muslim and now I am showing them the respect. In Shaa Allah they will accept. Helen you should listen to Maria because this is the harsh truth. If you are at legal age then of course you should tell them. I would have waited if I were you. Sadly, now you can't. What all Maria is trying to say is that you should develop mature and if he was a real man that is Muslim he would have already known this. I will keep you in my duas and In Shaa Allah you can do it as soon as possible.

  12. Assalamu Alaikum Sister!

    I know your predicament (since it was very similar to mine). Unfortunately, we too regretted to tell my family when we got married, although his family knew about it and gave us their blessing. Alhamdulillah!

    I did get round to telling them eventually, though this was difficult after a year of keeping it a secret (we live a couple of hours from my parents and my husband is supporting me). They were angry at first because I hadn't told them and because I'd married a Muslim dude. Alhamdullilah they have came to terms with our marriage now and get on OK with my husband.

    However, I can foresee that telling them I have reverted to Islam will be even more of a challenge. I know that they hate Muslims and will certainly think I've been brainwashed. Whenever I try to bring up anything to do with Islam they won't even listen about it because they have already made up their mind about disliking it.

    I don't want to dis-respect them as they are my parents and have treated me with nothing but love, generosity, kindness and forgiving for my whole life. Thus, I have decided to not tell them that I am a Muslim. I feel that this is due to respect for them, to stop arguments within the family and because my religious belief is personal to me without really being any of their business.

    Do you think that this is the best idea, because I don't know either way?

    • Assalamualaikum sister,

      Alhamdulilah im so happy for you that you have reverted. Now its time for you to ask Allah for all the strength that you will need to talk to your parents. Well, from my point of view i think it is important for you to tell them even if you're married and you're not living with them any longer. But its a part of your life that you'll need to be truthful about to them. Im facing the same situation. I plan to approach my parents about it soon. I do not know how will they react as i have told them a year back but the outcome wasnt good. they had become a bit rough physically with me and they even warned me to not repeat it again. Alhamdulilah you have your husband to support you.. We shall seek for strength from Allah and may Allah ease all our difficulties sister.

  13. Assalamualaikum,

    I'm 22 years old and currently in the midst of my degree in a university. I plan to talk to my parents this weekend about my interest in converting to islam and getting married to a muslim man. I have tried talking to them a year back but it didn't turn out good. my parents had become harsh and they have slapped and beat me. They have also warned the man i wan to marry. It is him who have brought islam to my life and I love him for that. My family are of the sikh religion and i m the youngest of all siblings. My parents are very religious and it is really hard to talk about islam to them as they always believed the media and "history" between muslim and punjabis. Im worried as i do not know how will my family react. the lst time it got really bad. they were planning to send me off to india to stay there. but i do not know why they changed their mind. Please help. i really wan to tell them the truth and face the situation. The man that i love is very supportive and he has also tried talkin to my parents but they have black mailed him and told him that if it happens again the outcome wont be good but he is still supporting me in every way. But apart from all this, i have been practicing islam for more than a year already. insha Allah it will all be fine but i'd appreciate if some1 could advice on this matter..

    Jazak Allah..

  14. Hey Sis

    I know this post was done years ago but I was just going throw the same issue I'm from a East African background and I also converted to Islam but I haven't yet told my family as I feel they will disown me as we been brought up as Greek Orthodox all our life's I feel as my family will think I been brainwashed by friends and society. I was just wondering if you share some light with me as I feel like you also from an East African background we meant have something in common.
    Thankyou

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