Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Newly married, but my husband wants to separate

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Assalam Walaykum,

I really need some advice.

My parents introduced me to a guy they met through one of their friends. He is not so religious, occasionally prays but everyone said he was patient and has a good heart. We met each other with my mom present and he saw me with abaya and headscarf and I told him this is me, he said he likes that I'm going towards the path of Allah and he wanted to go towards that way too and our personalities seemed to be compatible as well.

We both prayed istikhara and by the will of Allah had our nikkah two weeks later with both us and his parents consenting. I'm in school and we had decided because he lived 2 hrs away, after my classes finished three months later we would move in together inshAllah.

Two weeks of marriage was good when he came to visit me as I dont know how to drive but after that it all went downhill and now he wants to separate. We had our nikkah in front of 30 people orally and we had never gotten to signing a marriage contract. He keeps saying I don't think its going to work out because now our families don't get along and because he doesn't feel comfortable with me wearing the hijab. He states he thinks we're two completely different people, though he hasn't taken the time to get to know me at all. I've been praying the night prayers, istikhara, and I always pray all my prayers as well as am constantly reciting duas.

I do really like him and we did consummate our marriage. I've been trying to be patient but I'm starting to lose hope (He is 25 and I am 21 and I had never had a relationship prior to this). When other people intervenes he tells them I don't want to be with him and he states that he is trying with me but when he speaks to me on the phone he states he doesn't want to see me and he wants to separate because he doesn't think it's going to work out.

I really don't know what to do. His parents are not trying at all to reach out to my parents and I'm starting to feel hopeless. I know Allah is testing my Deen and I am staying firm in regards to my hijab. Should I initiate divorce because he keeps initiating separation and stating things will not work out?

I just want to be able to face Allah on the day of judgement and let him know that I had tried my best to keep the marriage intact but the guy does not even want to try. On top of that this is really affecting my studies and I feel so conflicted, I don't know what to do.

MEO

 


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20 Responses »

  1. In the name of Allah, most Beneficent Most Merciful.

    Walaikum Asalaam Sister,

    Your situation is sad and unfortunate. But it seems that at least your niyaah to please Allah, the Exalted, continues to be strong. May He protect your Imaan, ameen.

    Sister, I'm also newly married and have too encountered significant difficulties to this point. At many times did I want to just end it. But we are alhumdulilah still together. My wife and I are very different people it turns out. However, we are the same in one important aspect, Religion /spirituality. And whenever we have a big issue that's gets serious, alhumdulilah it is our faith that helps us resolve our issues. I can say that if we were atheists, we might not be together at this point.

    What I guess I'm saying is, appeal to his spiritual side, his religious side. Ask him to do some self reflection and research. I happened to listen to some YouTube videos on the husbands responsibilities to his wife and vice versa and I found I wasn't doing enough and my wife was doing too much! It was an eye opener. I recommend videos by Mufti Men in particular. What can happen early in a marriage, particularly for young Muslims who have never been in a relationship before is that there needs to be some calibration of who is responsible for what, what does he/she like and dislike etc. This may be the toughest period in a person's marriage.

    The problem which I suspect is that his spiritual /religious side may be lacking or dead altogether. And on that case there isn't much you can do except for (and this is very powerful) pray to the All-Powerful for help. Ask for whatever is best for you, don't ask for a particular outcome, For as you know, He is All-Wise , All-Knowing.

    May Allah bless you with ease through this very difficult time, and make you amongst patient and grateful, ameen.

    Asalaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    • Ahmed: My wife and I are very different people it turns out..

      I am curious what differences you have with your wife that want you to end your marriage.

      • First of all, I don't want to end my marriage. Just issues have come up where things have gotten out of hand and I think we've both considered ending it.

        The primary difference is really in terms of how we were raised.

        I grew up in a family of 3 boys. We did whatever we wanted, it was emphasized to us to be outgoing, kind, generous. We didn't have very strict rules in terms of being clean in the sense that we would drop food and not pick it up, or we wouldnt wash our own plates (which is not good, I know).

        On the other hand, my wife was raised in a family of three girls, extremely proper, anal about keeping things pristine at all time, organized... you get the picture.

        So my wife and my mom didnt get along at all. Things are better but they still have their moments, and some moments were pretty bad. But you get through them with the help of Allah, the Exalted.

        • Ahmed Khan: I grew up in a family of 3 boys. We did whatever we wanted, it was emphasized to us to be outgoing, kind, generous. We didn't have very strict rules in terms of being clean in the sense that we would drop food and not pick it up, or we wouldn't wash our own plates (which is not good, I know).

          On the other hand, my wife was raised in a family of three girls, extremely proper, anal about keeping things pristine at all time, organized... you get the picture.

          To keep peace one needs to accept the other as they are. In this case I think you should try to change (not drop food and clean your own plate) and your wife should not nag when you forget to do things. Tell your mom to treat your wife as her daughter and tell your wife to treat your mom like her own mom.

  2. OP: He keeps saying I don't think its going to work out because now our families don't get along and because he doesn't feel comfortable with me wearing the hijab.

    Is there any problem between your family and your husband's family? Is he willing to accept you without abaya? Let him initiate separation or divorce. Ask him to do it in front of 30 people who attended your marriage.

  3. I'm not married and I'm praying to Allah that I get married soon. However, your husband seems like all he wanted from you is sex or just to have some type of experience with u. I'm really sorry about this. Most guys now a days are all about sex and it's disgusting. We really have to take time and get to know one another before marriage. I hope everything works out inshaAllah. However, if he keeps pushing u away, I 100% believe that u should leave cause you literally seems like a good Muslim women. There's so many good Muslims men out there and you'll get one inshaAlla.

    Salaam from sister Aminah

  4. Sister. If he doesn't wan to be with you...don't force it.

    You cannot love him if he doesn't love you back.

    Have a frank discussion....ask him why he wants to seperate and if he just doenst want to be with you, sister save your energy.

    I know it's disappointing after all you went through with him,but know that if he wasn't meant for you, he will never be happy.

    Maybe he was forced into marriage, or he just isn't ready...either way.....let him go so you can both move on.

  5. Sister,

    It appears to me that your husband is looking for a way out. He met you and knew full and well that you wore the hijab so, for him to use that as an excuse to end your marriage is pathetic. You are right...your husband doesn't know you but that didn't stop him from consummating your marriage now did it?! Obviously your husband hasn't a clue what the term "marriage" means. He is telling people that you don't want this marriage so when the cards fall, the blame will lie with you. What a coward.

    My heart goes out to you as you don't deserve any of this. For any man to marry a woman, consummate the marriage and then simply want out, it's simply appalling. Whatever you decide to do, may Allah make it easy for you.

    Salam

  6. I agree with every one. But I truly believe you should've taken a few months to get to know him via messaging and meeting (supervised). You married a complete stranger in 3 months time.

    You haven't told us if you at least made efforts to get to know each other during that time? Even if you did, 3 months is too less, I'm afraid. What was the hurry, you're only 21.

    In my honest opinion, you need to meet halfway with this person, for the time being. Ask him what he wants in a wife and try your best to meet, if not fully, then partially, his expectations and then you dictate your own the same way.

    You cant afford to be so hasty with divorce. Him on the other hand would not think twice before divorcing because for men it is not an irreversible situation like it is for you.

    So I suggest you be smarter than you were when you married this man and try to meet him halfway please.

    Allah knows best.

    AAZA

  7. Dear Sister

    1. I strongly suggest not to initiate divorce at all no matter how much irritating he and his family is. Let them roll the dice first. Stay committed to your "marriage wish" and Hijab as it is your basic human right to follow Islam as devotedly you wish.

    2. Follow the advises of the people in this forum for reconciliation.

    3. Since your husband feels that you are a strict religious person for him. Arrange a meeting with him and

    convince him with the help of your parents that you will not force him to be

    religious like you are and also clear the fact that the up-bringing of children and the overall

    atmosphere of the house will be a moderately religious one.

    Keep us updated.

  8. He sounds like a waste of time sister!! If within a few weeks of marriage he is backing out and playing with your emotions you cant expect much from him later on. He's confused and lost and clearly doesn't understand the sanctity of marriage. You haven't done anything wrong, as much as I hate to say this your husband is immature and irresponsible. He's giving silly reasons for breaking a marriage, he hasn't even gotten to know you yet, the marriage hasn't even started. Bring both families together and have an open discussion. Ultimately if he wants the marriage to end there is no point dragging it on, end it and move on InshaAllah, see it as a blessing in disguise, he could've done this to you a few years into the marriage possibly with kids which would have been much more painful.

  9. May Allah make it easy for you sister, irrespective of anything that pans out from this ordeal stay firm to the path of Allah. This is surely a tough test. Verily the eventual victory is for muttaqeen. With all due respect I see a red flag when a person doesn't pray on time regularly. It is easy for shaytaan to mislead such people. I pray that Allah guides your husband to islam as well, and grants that which holds khayr for you both.

    As salaam alaikum,
    Abdullah

  10. It's really miracle how some men are dying for getting a pious woman while others who were lucky to get one are humiliating and degrading them.
    Sister, don't stress out yourself. You are still young.Try to pray for him and if he keeps acting like this try to leave him for a bit.He may probably be seeing someone else and that, as is common, will not last long for him.He will return.If that doesn't work then it's better to split now than waiting on kids and all the struggle of becoming a single parent.

    • Yes brother you are absolutely right.

      It pains in my heart to hear such stories where a pious woman is not respected and taken care of as she ought to be respected.

      While there are so many good pious men searching for a pious woman to spend the rest of their lives together helping each other to worship Allah even better. Lots of good men are dying to get such a pious woman.

      And when someone not so pious gets a pious woman he doesn't value her as much.

      Allah only knows what is the wisdom in this situation.

    • Totally agree BarakAllahu feek

      Any updates with the situation of the original post? InshaaAllah the sister is In a comfortable situation now

  11. I'm quite surprised that no one has noticed the fact that this lady hasn't signed any nikah papers to legalise the marriage under islamic law and there is no mention of mahr. It seems to me sister that this was some sort of scam and its even more perplexing how the man is acting after consumating the marriage.
    You need to cut this man loose and as you are young and ambitious you should focus on your studies and pray that you find someone much better and Inshallah you will.
    You don't want to run after this treacherous man and it would be bad for you and because you are inexperienced with relationships and naive its important for you to do lots of research and prayer before going into a marriage next time. Take all the time you need and don't worry about what people will say regardless how this man is telling lies about you and this fake relationship. You are better than him so leave him. And think properly, would you really want to live with this sort of man and family who have no morals or faith? Even if they did take you in how long before life gets difficult because you have already seen their true colours?

    • Couldn't agree more, why has no-one else noticed?

      This is a truly sad situation, my heart goes out to you sister, and i too think you should look to the rest of your life, and leave this man be, it does sound like he was out to just use you, i'm so so sorry.

      Sister please let me assure you, that anybody who deliberately does not pray, is NOT a Muslim, the Prophet of Allah SWT said the one who has left the prayer has left Islam, the scholars state that the one ( except women during their menses etc) who does not pray for a period of 3 days is no longer a Muslim, therefore not lawful to marry in the first instance,

      It does seem like you did not have an appropriate Wali, to advise and guide you sister, and your parents did wrong introducing a man to you, who was unlawful for you to marry, and that is not concerned in regards to the deen, sister i think you should go and speak to an iman as a priority, regarding the status of this arrangement, as it does not seem to me as though you are actually even legally married according to Islam thus rendering any contact with this man Zina, sister you are forgiven for what you do in ignorance, so please do not beat yourself up over this, you seem like such a beautiful god fearing women,

      sister do you live in the UK?, if so, i would happily support you in visiting an iman, if you feel that would be something you would like......

      May Allah make this easy for you.

      xxx

    • excuse me, but nikkah needs signed nikah papers under islamic laws? don't you think you need to verify this before posting?

  12. Assalama aleikum sis,

    I'm so conflicted about your story. I have been in a similar situation to you. You can read the post : Newly married but struggling.

    You married quickly, just like I did. Everything was good for the first 2 weeks. I think what has happened is that it has only dawned on your husband that he is now a husband and he's backing away. This is not your fault. It is very difficult for you to try to understand him as you don't know him. However you do like your husband and there must have been times where you enjoyed each other's company.

    I think everyone has given you good advice, on one hand people feel you should back off and leave on the other hand others feel you should be patient and wait. I agree with the latter. Be patient and wait. I know it is incredibly hurtful when you're newly married and your husband speaks to you as if you're a stranger to him. He hurts your feelings and seems to have no regard for you. It just does not make sense!

    Go back to who you know him to be- the good in him that you have seen so far. What you like about him? You said he was patient and kind. Try to remember his good sides for now.

    In terms of what he is saying- tell him how you feel. Each time he calls you tell him exactly how you feel without being emotional. This is going to be really hard but try. Tell him he married you, entered nikkah with you and that you are his wife. Tell him you understand that he feels you don't know one another well and that is because you have not spent much time together. Tell him he is your husband and you will not seek a separation or divorce at all. Tell him to remember Allah swt and what marriage is in Islam and how important it is that you both try for the sake of Allah. If you love him tell him you do and that you want to work at your relationship. Tell him that if he wants that too then he can come and see you and you can spend time together without any pressure. Tell him you would like to resolve whatever issues you have rather than running away from them and that you will be supportive of him as long as he offers the same.

    Telling him this is not begging him. Be upfront with him- you have nothing to lose. But don't chase him. Wait for him to contact you for now. Take the time that you have away from him to try to focus on your classes. He is unlikely to seek a divorce- firstly he is telling people you want a divorce and you need to call him up on this. Tell him to fear Allah swt and not to distort the situation or make up lies about you. Secondly he is talking about a seperatiin, not divorce yet. Each time he contact you remind him of Allah swt, remind him that you are his wife and that you are here for him if he chooses to come and see you and don't listen to his drivel about we're not compatible. When he goes off about your hijab or compatibility tell him to come speak to you about it and that you must return to your classes. Bring him back to reality. Ask about his day, tell hm about yours. Try to talk about other things and keep the conversation short. He has no right to question you about your hijab. Compatibility does not make a marriage- emaan, commitment, resilience and sabr do.

    There is a period when this is happening, when the phone calls are all hurtful, when all he is saying is that he wants to seperate or that you're incompatible. This is the hardest time sis. You'll feel so hurt, confused and lost. Turn to Allab set and make Peace with the situation whichever way it goes. Tell your heart that you rely on Allah swt Alone and that a human being has no ability or power to harm you. Allah swt brought this man to you and He is not going to Let you down. Whatever happens will be in His Power and Knowledge. You have nothing to fear or worry about so keep a happy soul and sleep well. I promise you sister f you keep close to Allah swt you will be absolutely fine.

    If he comes to see you let him come but don't fall pregnant. It will make things much harder. If he decides that he wants to work on the marriage then don't rush but take your time.

    Don't seek divorce. You have rights upon him that he should fulfil. But if you can be patient for a little while and continue your studies and pray about it do. Let him come to you with whatever he wants - you keep your dignity intact and don't chase or beg. Let him see that you're a strog Muslimah and if he loses you he has lost a lot of good in his life.

    I will make dua for you.

  13. Dear Sister,

    I would suggest you to not be the first one to initiate divorce.

    Speak to him openly and clearly and ask him to work on this marriage for the sake of Allah. If he still decides to leave you then ask him to initiate the divorce. So on the day of judgement he has to answer to Allah why he divorced you.

    Don't waste your energy on this person. Focus on your studies and career and prepare yourself for a better future. Inshallah Allah has better in store for you.

    If he decides to leave you then don't get stressed. It's better for you to be without him. Since he can't handle a marriage for a few weeks how would you expect him to handle the marriage for the whole life.

    Inshallah you will get a much better spouse in the future. Have trust in Allah.

    May Allah put peace in your life.

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