Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Newly married but still not consummated…

wedding night bed


I am a newly married male. It has been several months since our nikkah and walima and we have still not consumated. My wife and I are NOT in an arranged marriage and we DID NOT have previous relations. We have kept our relationship clean and tidy. My spouse is a good practicing woman from a good family with very good values. They are very respected in the community.

I have done my best to satisfy her families requirements for the marriage gifts etc which has financially set me back a few years.

I am confused as to my next steps. My wife at first thought the act is too painful and then she complained I was sex obsessed. Our relationship went downhill when during the honeymoon my wife would not allow me to sleep with her.

She complains I am perverted and that woman can take as long as six months to consumate. She and her family have begun asking me to add her on my various banking accounts but I no longer trust them due to the circumstance.

I have brought sheikhs over to explain to her and the family the importance of consumation and maritial relations. Her family thinks my wife doesn't need to comply.

My wife thinks it will happen on its own. I unfortunately am often stuck with loosing my patience feeling rejected and less of a man.

My sheikh has told me to seek an annulment but I really wish to make this work. It took me five years to get married and I cannot afford another south Asian wedding. I fear Zina porn masturbation, my spouses friends and family do not give her wise advice.

We are now going to a local psych who says she should participat:e BC this isn't fair and won't last.

My question is there anything else I can do? Dua? Therapy? Islamic remedy?

Kind regards


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22 Responses »

  1. You were going to ask your wife if she feels great pain during the process of sexual intercourse

    if she does he will have to take her to a gynecologist and perhaps they can explain to you if she has an issue

    but there is a possibility that there may be psychological damage

    maybe she was raped as a child and did not tell you and she was too ashamed to express her feelings

    and the act of sex brings back the feelings of pain

    there must be a real reason behind it because sexuality is a normal part of humans

    but by chance if she is not wanting to commit to you

    it is perhaps do you to the fact she may have feelings for another person

    she might be lesbian

    or she might be asexual (meaning that she has no interest in sex such people do exist)

    take her to the doctor

    please don't get angry at her that will only make things worse

    and if she still refuses any sort of help you are perfectly allowed to divorce her

    and get another one because sex or denying sex is one of the greatest sins a person can make good luck to you

  2. One other thing
    Don't get offended by this but you mentioned
    a lot about finances

    and how your wife's family is determined to have her connected to your bank account and so forth

    I am very scared that they might be using you like a "cash cow"

    and that is probably why she does not want to do intercourse with you

    is because she might have the intention of running away

    if that is the case I would not recommend keeping her as a wife

    if she is just using you

    I speak from the same experience because

    I divorce my first husband due to green card fraud

    and I can only understand how it feels like plus many others who've been in the same situation

    you might have to take your heart out of this situation

    and use your head and look at it logically

    I know it's a painful thing but it is reality

    and you don't want to get cheated and lose numerous amounts of money

    go to a lawyer discreetly and ask him what he he would do
    Don't hide anything from him and be honest

    good luck to you buddy

  3. Asalam alaikum brother. Two scenarios. Either she's playing you or she's genuinely scared. If talking doesn't work, then try these. 1. Try playing music one night and dancing with her. Slowly build the sexual tension by touching and having fun. Alternate between fast and slow songs. Then look her straight in the eyes like her entire being is yours (because Islamically she is) and pull her towards you (be a man). Start small kissing, then escalate from non sexual touching to sexual touching. (Viola). OR. 2. Start watching porn in front of her and really enjoy yourself. Make sure the mood in the room is romantic and turn the volume up a bit. Your wife will complain at first but don't give in. Enjoy your self until she finds it intriguing. Her brain will sub consciously think it's safe and enjoyable and will proceed to have relations with you. (Don't forget to be a man). 3. (Last resort) Pull her towards one night and make her yours (physically, emotionally and spiritually).

    Don't forget the Hadith about foreplay and intimate relations. I don't remember if it was Sahih Bukhari or Muslim but do read them.

    My wife was the same at first but then she offered most times.

    • Astaghfirullah! Did you seriously suggest watching porn?! Porn is haram and is a means through which women and men are objectified and exploited. We need to lower our gaze, not stare at random naked people!

      Midnightmoon editor

    • I think the advice you have given is not islamic.
      Firstly, it is not permissible to watch porn, at all under any circumstances. If you think you can turn your wife "on" by making her watch porn, thats very lowly.
      Secondly, music and musical instruments are not permissible.
      Thirdly, you keep saying "be a man", being a man doesn't mean forcing yourself on your wife, or feeling that you have to get yourself inside her to power your ego.

      • Being a man doesn't mean being forceful (insecurity/ boy), it means gently leading her at a pace at which both parties are comfortable. Be a man.

    • I mean no disrespect when I say this but that has to be one of the worst pieces of advice I've ever read on this site and I've been visiting this site since 2011.

      • I'm a woman and if I saw my husband watching porn, it wouldn't turn me on, it will worry me and make me insecure- first of all not having an idea on how to have sex and these actors are hardcore, so it's more pressure. Also the women are fake looking so again another insecurity. I understand why u gave this advise but it's bad advice.

        • I understand
          You have to remember
          The hardcore issues show the women or men are just doing their job

          We can't compare cause we belong to a different upbringing and circumstances

          It doesn't disheartening me
          It's more or less watching a x-rated circus act.

          Just avoid it. No point in watching

          True romance and intimacy is in subtly and simplicity

        • Well your husband and you saw some thing that is not real, there is no need to feel insecure? Do you compare your husband to the male porn star? Don't compare yourself to fake women with body parts that have been altered with

          Reshme: The hardcore issues show the women or men are just doing their job......It doesn't disheartening me It's more or less watching a x-rated circus act..

          If you see these porn stars in real life they probably look like an average human being.

    • I think there's more to it then just being "romantic "
      There has to be something deeper amigo.

    • Don't watch porn dude, just sentual and arowsing in a flowing way, just let nature take it's course go with the flow and follow your desire, it will come to you. Get her horney enough and she will bet you for it, it's important for one to know this .

  4. Assalamu'alaikum brother

    She could genuinely have a medical problem and is too scared to even have herself checked as that would require examination and would probably be painful.
    Instead of questioning why she doesn't want to be physical, tell her you love her, tell her you will support her in every way, and that you want her to be happy, appreciate the things she does for you, help her around the house, compliment her, tell her how beautiful she is, just give her random hugs, slowly build up.
    Most women feel that the first thing a man wants on his wedding night and is the only thing they want is physical relations. It is part of marriage, and a very important part of the relationship, but it can be painful for a virgin.

    • Why do ladies get so scared though?
      It always was silly to me.
      When I got married and submitted my virginity
      It wasn't terrifying.
      There were no guns or knives or machetes involved.
      Uncomfortable. Yup.Ouch.
      But all in all not terrifying.
      Math is terrifying.
      My driving test was terrifying
      Trump being president is terrifying
      Do women sometimes just over exaggerated things???????0_0

      • Reshme: But all in all not terrifying.
        Math is terrifying.
        My driving test was terrifying
        Trump being president is terrifying

        Different people have different fears. You should start learning math on the Internet.
        For some girls/women sex can be terrifying

        When a woman has vaginismus, her vagina's muscles squeeze or spasm when something is entering it, like a tampon or a penis. It can be mildly uncomfortable, or it can be painful. Doctors don't know exactly why vaginismus happens. It's usually linked to anxiety and fear of having sex. But it's unclear which came first, the vaginismus or the anxiety.

  5. Brother,

    BE CAREFUL: how on earth can her family to talk to you about adding her in your bank accounts? How on earth can they talk about delaying the consummation of your marriage? I think there are issues that you don't know and they don't want you to know.
    Possible scenarios: 1) She is scared and in such case I think you need to use other ways go inside her.2) She has had previous relationships and does not want you to know the truth. So her family wants to you be financially compromised so that you don't have an exit out of the mess.3) She married you for money and may later try to find a way to quit the relationship.

    MY ADVICE: Get everyone else out of the picture. It's between you and her. If you have tried the first scenario above and it did not work, I suggest that you give her an ultimatum. Brother, don't worry about finances. Your future and mental health is worth more than everything else. I have had my marriage ended just few months after spending everything I had saved. Alhamdulilaah, I don't regret taking that decision. Money comes and goes, but don't let anyone blackmail and treat you less than you deserve.

  6. From my own experience.
    I wanted to have sex with my husband after marriage, but I was unable to. It was very painful. However it didn't stop us trying. Because we couldn't have intercourse we did alternatives to please ourselves. After a year, I learnt I had a condition called Vaginismus. Where it's the muscles in a women's pelvic area that are too tense and don't allow penetration, no matter how turned on, one may be. My husband was super supportive but on my side I no this was unfair. I began the treatment- I saw docs, and pyhsio etc and did 8 months of treatment, after 3 years of marriage we was able to consummate the marriage finally. So now we have a normal good sex life.

    So the question is, although u haven't had sex, is she intimate with u? Do u both try alternatives? If she doesn't allow you to be any kind of intimate with her, then she either has a serious psychological issue of intimacy or she actually doesn't like u and has an ulterior motive.

    You need to see if this woman is genuine because if she is kind to u, and affectionate (kissing, touching etc) and loving she defo has vaginusmuss, it is a common condition but very undiscussed. But if there is no intimacy then there is a huge problem. And it's not fair you think you have to be married to her, cos if your having to resort to Zina of porn & masterbation then you will ruin yourself. Not only ur mind but you will be very sinful. And how long can you do this for? This marriage won't work- so eventually you will need to get divorced and the last thing u want is to marry someone else and be a porn & masterbation addicted and then u cannot perform well with ur new wife bcos u are immune to normal sex.

    To conclude- Find out the real reason, and the 6 month thing is a lie. After being able to have sex, I know it's actually so easy, unless u have a condition.

    • Thank you for giving a well though out answer.
      You answered very eloquently 🙂

    • SisK: So the question is, although u haven't had sex, is she intimate with u? Do u both try alternatives? If she doesn't allow you to be any kind of intimate with her, then she either has a serious psychological issue of intimacy or she actually doesn't like u and has an ulterior motive.

      She needs to share exactly what her fear or problem is. Why she is telling her husband he was obsessed with sex and is perverted. There may be some thing she is trying to hide.

  7. Salam,

    Please file for an annulment immediately. There are marriages where two people have sex twice a year and those two people are happy with that but you and your wife aren't sexually compatible. Right now you have a very expensive roommate that is preventing from getting married, just get the marriage annulled, take back half your mehar because you haven't gone in and accept your loses.

    What would be worse than the situation you are in is if you do have sex with her, and that one time you have sex with her results in a child. So even before trying to solve this situation if the person you're with is not even remotely compatible with you then divorce now, don't waste your time. Let her remain pure for the next husband that matches her libido.

  8. never ever have joint account with her come what may. you can offer her a separate account. but never a joint account. May Allah give a healthy life to your parents but what if your mother or father get admitted in a hospital and you have to withdraw the money from that account? or a moment to help someone from your family would nt she mind she would make a mess out of it so please. whatever successful marriage or failed no joint account.

  9. Sounds fishy to me bro, looks like she wants her verginity intact for next marriage after she takes half of your money lol

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