Islamic marriage advice and family advice

We’re newlyweds but six months later, we are physically fighting

Violent abusive husband choking his wifeI'm 18, and have been married for about 6 months. I knew him before we got married though and he was so charming with a beautiful love that I miss so much. But after we got married, things changed dramatically. We fought alot, so much about him annoyed me, and the way we showed each other affection isn't the same anymore. We don't even kiss like we used to or as often! and we're young!

Well about a month ago, we got into a fight, not the first time. Our fights started out ordinary but then worsened. 1- discussing the problem later, 2- arguing, 3- blaming each other, 4- yelling at each other, 5- profanity was used, 6- threatening to leave me, walks out, I follow him and tell him to come back and forgive him for his outbursts, 7- then things started to get physical.

We had about maybe 5 fights total that he has handled me aggressively. The first time it was just a little push, or squeezing my wrists. But then it went to throwing me on the couch, getting on top of me and yelling in my face, the last one was my last straw (sorta).

I honestly can say that the reason for the fight was not at all a big deal. He was upset with me and when I asked him if he wanted to talk, he ignored me. I hate that, my pet peeve. Then I saw him go to the room to play ps3, ugh such a child. So I went to ask him why he ignored me, WITHOUT ATTITUDE OR PROVOKING HIM, he was mean and mumbled something. I didn't hear so I asked what he said.  He said " you heard me, f*** you". I refused to accept that so I went and unplugged the ps3. He got so angry and pushed me against the wall. I was tired of always trying to calm him down every time we fought. I thought to myself why can't he just control himself in the first place! So I didnt hold back, I cursed at him, insulted his family, and put down his manhood. I didnt feel like I had anything to lose since the one I care about so much doesnt care enough for me to control his anger.

I had had enough of his temper and tan trums. Every time he gets angry I have to forget about myself and what I'm upset about to make sure he doesnt leave me. My husband is in the army so he's army trained. That might make you think I'd be terrified of him, nope.  Although I knew he could hurt me, kill me, knock me out with in seconds, it didn't stop me from hitting him and defending myself. I threw punches when I could, elbowed his sides, but my feelings were so hurt that I couldn't focused on hurting him physically. He put me in the choking position multiple times.

Brothers and sisters, when you're crying out to your spouse to stop because they have you in choke hold, it hurts. what hurts more is when you hear your voice crack in the middle of your words because he is squeezing on your neck, its sad. that was the only reason why I began to cry.  Because the love of my life, the man I fought so hard to be with, my husband...was choking me.

After he would let me go we would continue to fight, I wanted him out and when I said something he didn't like, like he was annoying, he grabbed my throat with one hand and squeezed as he watched me choke.  He was face to face with me and saw me as my airpipes got tight. How can I get that angry face out of my head! My body and neck were sore for 2-3 days. Bottom line, he is still with me. I couldnt find the guts to leave him. He told me it would never happen again, and that he'll change. So far he has stuck to his word, but who knows, he hasn't been angry.

- emik

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6 Responses »

  1. it seems like he's even capable of killing you. it will keep on going this way and it will only get worse. how much are you willing to take? this isnt a normal or a healthy marriage. it has been too much already. i dont think there's any hope left.
    what will happen if you stay with him & have children? do you want them to see these things? And he might do the same thing to them that he's doing to you.

    you need to leave

  2. Salaams Emik,

    Domestic violence is a very serious issue and can lead to very terrrible consequences. You need to think about this carefully. You have to handle the situation objectively, ie. put your safety before your emotions.

    Firstly assess how much you really love him and if its worth saving your marriage, try to find a way to resolve these issues.

    If you choose the option of saving your marriage, I would suggest that you write him a letter and explain your feelings, since verbal communication leads to violence. List all the things wrong AND right about him, or what was once good, explain things in a reasonable manner not in a derogatory way. Also leave him at least temporarily, return to your parents. Refrain from profanity, personal insults and so on. These are just as childish. I'm not judging you, I did that myself and it leads to a total loss of respect between the two parties. It may seem unfair, but it is always worse when a woman insults her husband in a disgracious way. He'll never forget it. Suggest he goes to anger management or counselling and try to establish the root cause of what seems like a personality change. If you do separate with the intention of eventually reuniting then try to maintain some communication.

    On the other hand as 'Anonymous' advised, he could become worse and eventually endanger your life and those of your potential children together. You have to seriously think whether he is worth the effort and whther he will be able to control himself. It is difficult as the only way to test him would be putting yourself in danger. I think when you argue, try not to sink to the same level. Your silence may be more powerful than trading insults.

    It's important you at least share this with a trusted family member or friend, in the event of anything terrible occuring.

    Take care,


  3. Salaam My Sister,

    I am sorry you are having to deal with this at such a young age. I agree with hopeful when she said domestic violence is a very serious issue. You say in your question that you fought to be with him, so perhaps there is some pride issue that is making you stay: but my sister, it doesn't matter what you went through before marriage - there is absolutely no excuse for violence in the home.

    Any time someone uses physical force to get their way - it is a sign of serious danger to you. Most people, even at the height of their anger can control themselves to ensure that they do not cause grievous harm to another. If your husband is physically violent toward you over small matters such as PS3, then you need to start viewing him as the very dangerous person that he is.

    Domestic violence is no minor thing. In the UK, on average 2 women a week are killed by their male partner or ex partner. A man who is violent towards you can one day kill you and this is how serious this matter is, and this is how dangerous a violent man is. It is quite classical behaviour of abusers to apologise and promise change, however change rarely happens and when it does, it is rarely permanent.

    I would advise that you make plans to leave this man in a safe and protected manner. The way to do this is to first of all confide in someone that you are being abused in your home, and keep a record of events if you can so that you can prove abuse has occurred. Begin to create an emotional distance between the two of you so that you become "boring" to him and he will be less interested in what you are doing, where and why. During this distancing time, arrange for yourself a place to stay and some finance so that he cannot track you down. Once you know where you are going to, and you have the support of people near to you, and you have reported or kept a record of these incidences. See a divorce lawyer, and then leave as peacefully as possible.

    It is natural for abusers to become threatening and aggressive when their victim tries to leave them, and this is why it is important for you to make your plans in advance of leaving so you have a safe place to go, and people around you when you leave. You cannot negotiate change with an abuser whilst you live together. When you live together there are no witness and no protection from any action they wish to take against you and they will use bullying and threats to get their way. If you seek a change in him you must negotiate these changes whilst apart from him.

    It is not a sign of strength to put up with abuse, or fight with someone who seeks to hurt you. The greatest sign of strength is in the courage it takes to leave him.

    I pray you the strength and courage to leave and build a great future for yourself with a man who will treat you with the love and respect that all women deserve,


    Editor, Islamic Answers

  4. as-salamualaikum sweetie,
    i agree with sister leyla. i wish i could say seek counseling because i know you have strong feelings for him, but i am afraid for your safety. get out of there. i'm serious. i have a brother like your husband and i can tell you he can do anything. he will even hurt your kids physically and emotionally. better leave before there are any kids. infact your mind will be so used to the verbal and physical abuse that you will start believing that you deserve it and you are no good. a woman's heart can be broken and she will be in tremendous pain and anger when she realizes that her husband doesn't love her, betrayed her, or is not what she imagined. you don't want to live with physical and mental torture your whole life. once you are in a healthy relationship, that pain i guess can be healed. . but a child with an abusive parent never heals. they have to live with the memories their whole life. imagine him doing what he does to you in front of your kids, or to your kids. i know you love him, i know you guys had good times, but i want you to think of your safetly and that of your kids. you are so young and alhamdulillah don't have kids yet. i understand the pain you are going through, it is very hard to realize that someone you love so much and did so much for can betray you like this. i really do understand the viewpoint of the sister advicing to write the letter but as someone with experience i disagree. his response might totally hurt you. he might feel like you have betrayed him and have many negative emotions towards you. he might even abuse you after reading it. and remember that if he knows that you are leaving him, this can make him tremendously jealous and he might even do something that i don't even want to say. so please do it quietly, and let someone that you trust in your family know what's going on. and do go stay with your family for a few days, if you are comfortable with them. i will send you links i cant find for more info

  5. i'm really sorry i can't find that link anymore. it was a few videos that a young girl around your age had made. she was sharing her experience of one of her ex-boyfreinds who was abusive to her. she shared some personality characteristics, and also compared how one of her other boyfreinds was like this. boyfreinds, ofcourse, are haram. all i can say is go to the library and read about abusive partners, or online. knowledge.

  6. I have similar problem, although my husband is not in army, we are both dentists! I’m a tiny person and very emotional, and he is tall and fine built!! Although mostly things are just perfect, in fact beyond perfect, until he gets annoyed! There are certain things he does I DONT LIKE AT ALL! Which i have made clear to not do because it annoys me terribly, and yet he will continue to do it coz he is trying to have fun and doesn’t really take it seriously! And that is exactly what annoys me the most! The fact that he knows that I don’t enjoy such so called funny altercations and I’m getting annoyed and if he doesn’t stop it WILL create a scene, and yet he continues to do it! Things like making faces and annoyin me with bad expressions and commenting on my work! While I’m doing a patient!! Just because!! If he does want to correct me he can say it and I will follow through! He obviously has more experience than me and I’m more than ready to learn, but he does it not to teach me but to annoy me and that he enjoys!! And later of i make a scene he will act as if its all my fault and I’m angry coz he corrected me!! Our fights have gotten physical twice now!! Bad physical!! And we both hit each other, but since he is emotional distant person and I’m very emotional and tiny it affects me more both physically and mentally! I’m pregnant now and we have had a physical fight at this stage too!! BTW having a baby now was his idea!! But when things are not like, it cannot get any better!! He is caring and loving and just perfect !! I do know understand what should i do!!

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