Islamic marriage advice and family advice

No sex for two years, is our marriage valid?

Where is the love?Asalam-0-alaikum. i got married 2 and a half years ago, i got pregnant with my daughter shortly after. From 6 month of pregnancy till now (my daughter is 20 months old ) my husband has no sexual relation with me.

We live together he is caring but he says since she is born he feels ashamed to do anything.  I'm very confused and tired. Every time i confront him he gives me the same answer n somehow ends the conversation.

I heard from someone that if your husband makes  his  mind he wont do something with his wife for 12 months their marriage is off they have to do nikah again. I really dont know what to do please help me and give me a solution. Is our marriage still valid? waiting for ur reply patiently

thanks

-needurhelp


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13 Responses »

  1. I think you marriage is still valid, but you have rights to get your sexual needs fulfilled. All marriages have issues, just because you don't have sex doesn't mean you are not married.

    But You have to keep talking sister, confront him..why would he be ashamed about something that Allah has allowed and made halal between a husband and wife? It's not a logical reason.

    MYbe he has no experience with women, there is nothing to be shy or ashamed about. It's either he is very naive and doesn't know how to approach a woman....or he has no desire for sex which he should get checked.

    You can ask him if he is still attracted to you? Maybe go slow. Start with holding hands, and cuddling for a day and see where that goes.

    What happens if you approach him for sex, And just start touching him....does he just reject you? What about starting with a massage and then moving on to more intimate act?

    Either way, don't let him get away with shutting you down...keep talking about it. It's your right in a marriage to have your needs met.

  2. It is normal for parents to have sex when their children is sleeping on the same bed. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Try to keep your daughter in seperate room for sometime and see how it works. If needed, go to a mental doctor. He is not sick, but he needs to get the fear or shyness out. A mental doctor can help him. Why did you wait for two years? You should try to cure him long ago.

    About your marriage -
    You didn't have sex for 2 years. Your marriage is still valid. But if you can not cure your husband and can not have normal sex life, then you may ask for a divorce.

    • "It is normal for parents to have sex when their children is sleeping on the same bed."

      No, that is not normal.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • That's probably the most abnormal statement I've read. I think it might be ok if there is a baby/very young toddler fast asleep in the same room but I'd feel very uncomfortable if the child was older or on the same bed.

  3. I don't think your nikkah has become invalid, but it's difficult to be rejected intimacy by your husband. What was he like before your daughter came along? Did he have issues then too? How is he with you in other aspects of your marriage ?
    I think if all else is ok and this is the only problem you should go for psychosexual counselling and get to the bottom of why he feels so ashamed? Perhaps he is overly religious, or doesn't feel attracted towards you post pregnancy? Perhaps take care of yourself if your not doing so already - it can be difficult with a baby.
    I pray you find a solution and Allah swt blesses your marriage Ameen

  4. Salaam,
    Your husband is probably overwhelmed by his love for the kid.He needs to be 're-educated' that this is natural process.He shouldn't be ashamed of it. Best thing is to that you get him counselled or he ask him to see a local Imam.He just needs to get over that feeling.

  5. Salaam

    Was your husband with you when you had the baby? Did you have a difficult delivery? My sister once had a friend whose husband would not be intimate with her after they had their first child. He always had an excuse and he said it was because of the baby. My sister's friend was very sad and very eager to reconnect with her husband and finally after many many months she convinced him to talk to a counsellor at the masjid. And afterwords the man at the masjid told her that her husband had been so shocked by the pain and agony of childbirth that he could not stand the thought of ever having her go through it again and so he did not dare be intimate with her.

    The husband finally received help from a post traumatic stress therapist. This kind of trauma can be serious and is not something that should be shrugged off or thought to pass by itself.

    Could this be part of your husband's problem, sister?

  6. Just to answer the actual fiqh question of whether the nikah is invalid: the answer is that a marriage cannot be invalidated by lack of physical contact or even physical separation. Ending a marriage requires either talaq or khul'ah.

    So your marriage is still valid.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. sister whats wrong with you. sex is not the thing that keeps you happy. this is only a desire . the purpose is to bring children into the world and sow the seed of Iman..but if your husband is not praying 5 times ang going to mosque for juma fridsy prayers then i would be worried too.Unless hes a learned man who fears Allah

    • raul, I deleted one of your other comments for telling someone that he is not too bright. Do not insult people. It's not helpful.

      Regarding your comment here, a healthy sexual relationship in a marriage is important. It's not reasonable to simply dismiss it and tell the sister to forget about it.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  8. I'm sorry to say this but he might be attracted to the same sex.. It looks like he has forced himself to be in that relationship somehow.. May god help you!

    • That's the most insanest of things I have ever heard. Just because your husband won't come near you after you've had a baby doesn't imply that he's a gay. May be he's having a tough time accepting his wife's new role as a mother which means he is feeling neglected.

  9. I have been separated from my husband for more then 6 years and we don’t have any physical relationship or other am I particularly divorced

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