Islamic marriage advice and family advice

What should wife do if husband has no sexual relations with her for a long time?

leaves floating, falling into pieces, falling apart

What if a husband does not having sex with his wife for a long time?

What should the wife do?

~Toufiq12

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55 Responses »

  1. Hi sister such questions are not important to ask these are personal things between u and your husband so u should not discussed such things with anyone u are marring to do ibadah not to have fun marriage is not only in having sex and all such things they are many important things to learn about a marriage life it is not haram to enjoy with your husband but always try to ask important questions that will be more useful to u.

    • There is nothing wrong with the question! Every lady has her needs. I know the woman has rights in her marriage, and this does include sexual rights. If there is some reason he is not having sex with you (arguing, not getting along, he is not living near you) then this is different and something you will need to work out. If he is not sharing intimacy with you for no reason at all, then I dont know what to tell you. Your post was vague, so I can't offer much more advice.

      • Sister Sarah,

        you r forgetting one important thing here. Women also have many sexual dysfunctions, so how would you feel if a man asks you about your sexual dysfunctions (if any) before marriage??

        Thanks

      • salam alaikum,

        I will say the issue is not that woman or a man has sexuality and sensuality to what level and how the other one has to deal with it. Rather issue is media is showing both to men and women such things that are provoking both Muslim men and women. Now, do they care that it is halaal or haraam for women to look at non-mahram men in real life or on tv (unless there is a sharai 'illah)? Or do they care that if it is halaal or haraam for men to look at non-related women in real life and tv (unless there is a sharai 'illah)? They hardly care, once they don't care and they just look at tv, dramas, movies and songs etc which actually bring the sensuality in a person (men or women). So whatever the questioner has asked has to be thought in that prospective as well apart of genuine side of the question itself.

        None of the women and men in these days are in love with seeking beneficial knowledge illa man rahimaAllah. Rather such questions arise in the minds of men and women which has minimum benefit or at least to the benefit where women gets a opportunity where they can be more and more disobedient and rebellious to husbands.

        and Allah knows the best.

        May Allah guide us and bring the Islam back in our life, ameen.

    • @ syster . . . . This is a very serious and reasonable question that deserves quick response. U should thank God that u did not find ur self in such terrible condition.. . . . . . . . . . . . . @ taufiq12. . . Salam alaikum. Really am mind bloked since u ve not given sufficient details on ur question. I hope somebody will respond to ur question asap

      • i am very sorry if my response was little bit hurted to the sister.But i suggest to discussed this matter with your husband.may Allah give u a happy long life.

        • Your the reason women leave islam . Islam is just and not barbaric . May Allah forgave your bad advice and poor response to such a serious matter .

      • shystar, there was nothing wrong in your reply rather in my view that was the best advise in that scenario. Because something is between husband and wife how they live, how their psychological environment is and others factors which we do not have right to know and discuss here in this forum. They should (husband and wife) discuss it with each other. If there is physical deficiency then we don't have right to know about it to blame one or another rather they should contact doctor, naturopathic, allopathic, homeopathic whatever etc to discuss the situation and suitable answers or medicines. These people would only enjoy such and such things happening with others. SubhanAllah. That is why i say do not discuss that with people who do not have good amount of knowledge.

        Junaid,

        how can you say if someone said something and that would make women leave Islam? la howala wala quwwata illa billah. Women or men will leave Islam because they would follow their nafs, and ahwa and whims and desires and Allaah put a seal on their hearing etc. Read surah al-jaathiyah chapter 45 and verse 23. So it is better not to open our mouth if we do not know about something.

        If a sister is wearing strict niqaab from head to toe 100% of the time covered or a man is having more than one fist beard (living in UK/US) and keeping pants above ankle etc praying times a day, giving da'wah of tawheed and negation of shirk to others all the time.. does it mean that is kinda person because ppl are leaving Islam? No, it means they follow their nafs and can't stand the ones that are following. Just looking at someone who are trying to follow Islam and seeing them like that if one leaves Islam that is their own fault and they will pay for it in this dunya and akhirah. (if they did not return back with tawbah to al-islam).

        So please do not open your mouth in half crooked knowledge at all.

        May Allah guide us, ameen.

    • The question is VERY much valid. It is the RIGHT of a wife to seek sex from husband. If you do not know anything about Islam, please do not post wrong answer.
      Circumstances need to be looked as to why the husband is not having sex with wife. Is it due to fighting, is it due to some rifts between the spouses. Is the husband impotent?
      A husband needs to have a genuine reason not to have sex with wife. If there is no reason, the wife is authorized to go for Khula.

      • Sexual rights are given by islam , and if either husband or wife does not agree to fulfill their obligations about it , either of them can take the matter to Mufti after talking to each other first and then or give talaq or take khula in case of husband not fulfilling the obligation , this is the last option by islam but its better to arrive at a better solution before that

        the nature of decision will change a lot if either of them has some madical problems in fulfilling their obligations , they should go for treatment first then resort to other things - jazzakAllah

    • wen man dont get it, its a great sin for women. and when woemn is not getting it men comment like this.

      • it is true what u have said.im having same problem too for last two yrs. but there is no one who can give me the answer. Do u think a man would tolerate this kind of situation if his wife does not want any physical relation with him?

        • What are you facing.tell me exactly about your problem.you don,t want any sexual relation with ur huby??

          • You can clearly see sister Nadira gave a statement about something happening in her marriage life (i hope and pray that now in 2016 it is already resolved, In sha Allah) and the replier to her was "tell me exactly about your problem" la howa la wala quwwata illa billah.

            What is this? Some kind pornographic website? Why should she tell about her and her husband issues to you. She should keep it secret with her and the husband should keep the secret of her with him. Whatever the issues arise they should talk to relative person which may be some doctor, some psychiatrist or maybe some very close relatives who may understand the issue.

            These people only come to either enjoy the others pain or maybe some other issues they may themselves wanna feel it (illa ma sha Allaah)

            may Allah guide us, ameen.

      • yes y r right.i have same prob.my husband is 15 year older than me.and he is teasing me from last 10 years.now condition is that his penis is just like a loose cloth.he always satisfy me with his finger only.fir me his finger is his penis.io have 4 chills.i coluldnt seek for khula.now what islam says.sorry to say only patience is advised to me.if islam gave solution fir all problems then where is my solution.

        • Nosheen,Try oral sex on him to make his tool harder and then have penetrative sex immediately .Try various method before going for divorce .

          • I can help your husband in this regard 100 %, being a homeopathic practitioner, my cell number is *******, plz contact me !1

          • Tahir, we do not allow posting private contact info, sorry. If you have some advice to offer you can do it here please.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • @Abdullah this is not porn. As it is said in the bible as well as the Quran a husband cannot deny his wife sex. Period. That is abuse. Second, a psychiatrist does not give advice or counseling. Only medications.

      • and this is the husband who raped me on wedding night.means he forced sex on me.he used me day and night even in my illness. i tolerate all that. now again o have to tolerate why?why islma nt allow me to have sex with orher man of mu choice according to my will.noo first i have to destroy my life my childrens life took khula then have to marry some other man then have sex with him to uss zindge ka kyaa jo berbaad hogye bcho ko kyaa kahon tmhara baap mjhy satisfy nhe krta kahna bohat asan ha khula ly lo

    • mr. you are completely wrong ! she's deserves to ask that question , i mean c.mon , it's the biggest ISSUE in a marriage life ! u know i've been married 6 m0nth ago and in these six month my wife don't even let me touch her once ! and when i try to talk to her about INTERCOURSE she says not not ( I M NOT IN THE MOOD ) i mean seriously since six months till now u r telling me that u r not in a mood ! i warn her and tell her that i will divorced her , she says really ? and ask me that m i serious ! then i left , so these things are necessary to discuss i mean just randomly she's not telling here her real name her identity , so i don't see anything wrong ! and yeah me and my wife had fight a day ago and she's left me and living with her parents since a day n m going to send her a DIVORCE latter ! i mean how the hell can i live with her like this ! she's is constantly IGNORING me ! and honestly thats not fair !

      so sister if ur husband is ignoring you then , the best advice i m giving u right now is to talk to his parents actually mother tell her everything , and be polite too polite and try to show her that u r tense too tense so that she could understand ! and just tell her you want a baby and you will see how thing start turning in to SOMETHING GREAT !

      • I'm sure there is an underlying reason why your wife has refused sexual relations with you. It could be that she was sexually molested or raped in her youth and is afraid of sexual contact. Or she may have a physical problem that she did not tell you about (vaginismus, for example). You do of course have the right to divorce and that is not unreasonable. On the other hand, you may want to be patient with her and give her a chance to be honest and tell you what's really going on. It's possible that with counseling or medical assistance she could overcome whatever barrier is stopping her.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • @ Wael.
          I wonder how illiterate you are because you have knowingly made such irresponsible and offensive remarks about another mans wife,You will only realize if someone suggests the same to your mother, sister or daughter. Islam does not teach this!!!!
          What would be your reaction if someone suggested to you that your wife may have been raped in her childhood???????

          • You can choose to be offended, but the fact is that childhood sexual molestation is much more common than most people admit. In Muslim cultures it is commonly covered up, ignored, or considered a taboo subject. But that doesn't make it go away. It was not my intention to insult the brother's wife. Rather, I was pointing to a possible reason why she is avoiding sexual contact.

            By the way, your outrage implies that you consider molestation or rape to be the fault of the woman. Otherwise why would you be so angry on the woman's behalf? That is a backward and immoral position.

            A girl or woman who is victimized by rape or molestation is blameless. She is the victim. She has done nothing wrong. Nevertheless, such acts can have lasting psychological consequences. We can't just ignore it.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • You cant assume that there may be something wrong with her because she does not want to have sex. Also, just because someone has been molested or raped does not mean they dont want sex all their life. Marriage should spark sexual desires. Human sexual needs/desires dont go away until old age. Sexual desire is a basic need for every individual and marriage is a way to fulfill it. People have different sex drives (high vs low)-this can be the case here. Also marriage is a way to fulfill sexual needs without doing sin and if the partner is not allowing the other to fulfill those needs it will be stressful, because you have no where else to go to fulfill those needs.
          I believe that if your spouse is not fulfilling those needs try to beautify yourself when you go to them or flirt. It may help create the feeling. If things are not getting better you should really talk to your spouse-communication in a relationship is important. It may also be that they dont see you that way - this may be because they dont love you and this can cause problems in marriage. Love is obviously important in making a relationship work and when two people love each other they try to fulfill each other's desires and wants.

          • glassheart, I don't know if you caught the fact that I was replying not to the original poster but to the comment by "dude u r LOL". He has been married for six months and they have NEVER had sex. That is not a matter of differing sex drives. There is unquestionably some sort of psychological issue going on with her.

            Wael
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Oh plz your answers are so annoying. Looks like you have some problems, this issue is sensitive for you and you don't know what to do

    • Sorry for being harsh but u r actually taking non sense , Islam is a compete code of life n it captures all parts of life n as far as physicall relation of husband n wife is concerned this is indeed as important as all others aspects are so plz dnt frustrate others who want to ask things about their problems which are being painful for them so plz avoiddd !

  2. I think the above response is inappropriate and insensitive to the sister asking this question. Obviously this issue is important to her and an answer would be "useful" for her. As Muslims, we cant just ignore and avoid and demean topics such as sexual relationships. Allah has created us and He has given us sexual desires and we are allowed to meet them in a halal way. And healthy sexual relationships should be talked about in Islam because even the Prophet SAW answered questions about it and there are many hadith relating to the topic of sexual relationships.

    As for the sister asking the question, I would recommend first talking to your husband and seeing what the problem is... If that doesnt work, then I suggest seeing a marriage counselor to discuss this issue in further detail. There are many psychological and physiological reasons as to why your husband is avoiding a sexual relationship. But I definitely think communication with him is the first step.

  3. What an answer! Intimacy is very important in a marriage and it affects the whole atmosphere of married life. To ask questions about intimacy is not haram or "a waste of time". This is an important question that should be answered by someone who knows how to respond properly to these kinds of questions.

  4. Sister Toufiq, Salaam,

    You need to give us more details - the reasons behind why he is not being intimate which are crucial in solving this problem. It is very difficult to otherwise give any suggestions or advice.

    If you generally dont have a good relationship due to which your sexual life is disturbed as well, then of course you and your husband need to sort that out in order to then have a healthy sex life as well.

    If you are happy otherwise, yet he refuses to sleep with you and you are unaware of any reasons for this behaviour of his, then firstly you need to discuss it with him and see what he says.

    If you have tried dicussing yet the problem is not getting solved and he is simply not interested in sexual relations then realistically he is either a man with an extremely bad libido, or he is getting it from somewhere else. This you judge upon the character of your husband which you have mentioned nothing of in this post so we cant say. You judge if you can live a life with no intimacy (with u have a right to get)...know that Allah (swt) has given you full rights to Khula over a reason like that. So if all efforts towards a solution fail, you have this final resort.

    Also a general tip = seduce him.

    Was salaam

  5. AA;

    1) This site is to help people. People need help on different levels and in different ways. Please let try to help and not be judgmental. Any post you think is not good, or not worthy of your time, then please just ignore or skip it.
    2) Sex is a big part in the marriage. True that you are getting married for Ibadah. But as the Prophet PBUH said to the companions (And this is the meaning not the actual quote): Even when a man sleeps wiht his wife it is a Sadaka. THey said even that? which we do for our pleasure? he said: if you have done it in outside of marrige you will get sayye'at (bad deed) so if you do it with your wife in Halal, they you get Hasanat. Also the other hadeeth if a man calls his wife to bed and she refuses she will be punished too. All that shows hos sex is also part of the Ibadah and it is part of the marriage.
    3) If she has needs that are not satisfied by her husband, it will cause disturbance in the relationship, doubts, hardship, etc.

    With all that, I would suggest as others to start by talking ot him! Maybe he has things on his mind, maybe work stress, maybe new physical issue, etc. But make sure you talk WITH him not At him. We all know how this issues affect men specially. If that does not work, then maybe other can get involve. Nto sure who or how to be honest with you again because of the sensitivity of the issue. But if it is causing harm for you then the issue to be discussed.

    May ALLAH grant you patience, and guide you the correct path.

    AA.

  6. @All posters/commentators/writers/readers,
    Brothers and sisters! no question is silly/ridiculous or childish; so we should help these brothers and sister rather than mocking them and telling them that they shouldn't ask these question which means to suffer in sillence. Besides, this forum is anonymous so everyone's identity is safe Insha Allah.

    Assalam O Alaikum Taufiq,
    Sorry for the late reply. I would like to say that I agree with what Faith has said as we do need more details regarding your marriage like;
    1- How long you both have been married?
    2- How do you both get along normally? Is everything else OK?
    3- Does any of you especially your husband has a medical condition?
    4- What kind of job your husband has?
    5- How many hours a day or week he works and also is it a physical job?
    6- What is his routine like; how much time he spends outside house.
    7- What are your living arrangements; do you live independent or with you in-laws?
    8- Is he normally happy or acts like someone who is stressed out or worrying over something?
    9- Did you give birth to a child recently?
    10- Was your intimate relationship with your husband OK in the start of the marriage and if so then since when this problem started?
    11- Was it a forced marriage or was your husband in love with someone else before getting married?
    You need to speak to your husband and find out the real problem. Approach him when he is in good mood; relaxed and fresh as a friend; not in a way that you are complaining to him regarding lack of sexual activity in a marriage. Here it will be better if you win his trust/confidence first and do not approach this issue in any way which will make him feel like you are suffering due to his lack of desire to get intimate for whatsoever reason. This is further stress him as may be he is suffering from some other issues and knowing this will add another one.
    At the end I would like you to please take a look at these articles which might help you both Insha Allah to re-ignate your love life.

    SEXUAL RIGHTS IN ISLAM
    http://www.zawaj.com/sexual-rights-in-islam/comment-page-1/#comment-2144
    SEX IN ISLAM
    http://www.zawaj.com/straight_talk.html

    May Allah (swt) help you both and other Muslim couples overcome these or similar problems and live a happy and prosperous life full of matrimonial blessings. (Amin)

    Waslaam,
    Muhammad1982.

    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  7. He may have a medical problem, take him to a doctor. Low libido is not physically/medically normal!

  8. email this info to your husband this is what i have done atlaest he will think once how you feel
    eight Imam was asked about a man who had a young wife whom he had not slept with for nearly a year due to a disaster that had come upon him. He had no intentions to bother his wife but the disaster caused him to do so. Was he sinning? The Imam answered: Of course. After four months passed, he was sinning. Abuzar asked the Prophet: Is a man's love-making to his wife divinely rewarded even though it brings pleasure? The Prophet (S.A.W.) answered: Yes, of course. Is it not forbidden to satisfy your sexual desires unlawfully? Abuzar answered yes. Then the Prophet (S.A.W.) said: Certainly its lawful form is divinely rewarded. It is considered desirable in divine teachings for a man to sleep with his wife for love-making once every four nights.

    The Prophet(PBUH) said ~ "Among my followers the best of men are those who are best to their wives, and the best of women are those who are best to their husbands."

    Is it sinful for a husband to refuse his wife? If refusing a husband can lead him to other sin, doesn”t refusing a wife lead HER to sin, as well?

    Answer:

    Yes, it is sinful for a man to consistently refuse his wife. Note the word “consistently.” It is a given that sometimes one spouse or the other won’t be in the mood. However, as Ustadha Hedaya says, sex should never be used as a weapon. There is great blessing in satisfying your spouse, even if you don’t feel like it. A woman who is not sexually satisfied in her marriage may be led to sin. This is a possibility for both spouses if they are not receiving their rights. Scholars emphasize that a man must keep his wife chaste

    • i have same situation. I got married 2 yrs back, i have a child. Since my married, my husband was not responding much. I thought may b it will adjust with time and i gave him time. He refused every time. He never thoughts of me, even never tried, though i told him so many times that "its not happening!! U r ignoring me, i need ur response as well!" But day by day he is avoiding me, even dont let me touch him, if i touch him in bed, he shouted on me all time!! So now i stopped touching him and asking him for sex. Now i am just thinking about my child and trying to save my marriage anyway. But i m getting in depression day by day !! I live in another country away from my family, relatives and friends. All alone in this country! Even cant go to my country right now, or when i want before my papers are done with my husband. I think he is an impotent. Can any one give a solution to my problem??

      • I think you should speak to him in a very kind tone, and ask him to tell you honestly why he is not interested. If he is indeed impotent then it may be a blow to his manhood to admit that. There are other possible reasons as well. But instead of guessing, you have to find a way to convince him to talk. Otherwise I don't see a future for this marriage.

        If you need further advice please register and submit your question as a separate post.

        Wael
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • @Mina: Now i am just thinking about my child and trying to save my marriage anyway. But i m getting in depression day by day !! I live in another country away from my family, relatives and friends. All alone in this country! Even cant go to my country right now, or when i want before my papers are done with my husband. I think he is an impotent. Can any one give a solution to my problem??

        Your husband should be examined by a physician. If there is no medical cause, doctor will refer him for psychotherapy/sex therapy. Extreme stress can also interfere with erections.

        Non-sexual touchings/ giving non sexual massages to each other to make him relax may help.

  9. My problem is that I am married since 3 years and my husband is impotent. Due to this problem I am still virgin. I want to ask this question my marriage is incomplete or not?

    • Ms.Nija, your marriage is incomplete in the sense that it has not been consummated. Your husband should consult a physician to determine the problem. There might be drugs he can take to resolve it. Also, he should focus on eating healthy and exercising daily. Lastly - and I'm sorry to bring this up - have you considered the possibility that he might be homosexual? In any case, if you need further advice please register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  10. there is no point in replying you coz its 2015 in these years many things would have happened

  11. Divorce is best, legal and islamic option

  12. I am married since 1 year i lived with my husbnd just 1 wk aftr merig dn he go out of country he did sex 2 or 3 times aftr merig bt he take abt 1 hour to copulte bt jst for 2 mints max aftr 1 year he came back he tried 2 times bt he fail nw he go back is he impotent??

  13. Is it right to do sex with some other if husband dn do till 6 months

  14. Allah says the husband cannot deny his wife.

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