Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Non muslim confused and lost

Hi, I posted on here once before asking for advice on pregnancy. In the end I decided to terminate without my Muslim friends knowledge so he would feel no shame about it.

confusion

I did not expect things to continue as they have done but we seem to be in a strange sort of relationship which I don't understand. I know that his mother wants him home in pakistan for an arranged marriage so I knew that there would be an expiry date to our friendship (and only found out after posting on here that there should not have been any friendship and it has been a sin for him) but he does not seem to want to acknowledge that the friendship will end at that point.

He is trying to persuade me to convert to Islam (something I am not sure about as I like to research what I don't know or understand before deciding), we spend every day together, when he is with me at my flat, which is almost every night, even if he's not staying over, we pretty much exist as a normal couple within those four walls.

He has talked about how he wants me in his future, asked if I'd consider him as a potential husband, has even started setting up a business for us to run together. But when I point out the fact that his mother wants him home, he goes quiet, admits he'll have to "surrender" at some point but says we can continue as always or I could even be his second wife.  But I could not be comfortable with this, it's against everything I've ever known and I fear I would be jealous.

I have been taken to mosque for Eid, I've met his friends and cousin who lives near, I am never ignored but introduced as a friend. He keeps on wanting to provide for me which is sweet but I am quite independent and don't want to let myself fall further into false security.

I'm just not sure where I stand right now. I'm looking for advice on whether to continue in this friendship, which I now understand to be Harram or bad?

I feel terrible about aborting our baby without him knowing but as I knew this friendship would be likely to end sooner rather than later I thought I was making the right decission.

He has told me he loves me and I feel I love him too but I don't want to give my heart over to something that will end and will leave me hurt and alone.

If I thought for a moment that this would all work out ok then I would happily give myself over to everything for him.

I'm so confused though. He knows it can't go on forever but he wants to have a business together and talks of a future that is very unlikely to happen as his family would not accept me and I know this.

I want to make the right decission which is hard when my own beliefs do not forbid this friendship.

- Ruby83


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10 Responses »

  1. As salamu alaykum,

    This is just a very personal opinion, you know a time ago he is not for you, you have read enough to know he will surrender to his family and you feel unsecure about trusting him completely.

    This is not a friendship, you had sex with him, he lives with you, and what scares me most is that you have had an abortion without his knowledge, ...are you conscious of where this relationship has taken you as human being, as woman, as mother. Why are you doubting, ... please rescue yourself, repent and come to life again. You are in darkness, please ask God to take you to the Light, maybe is not a relationship forbidden for you, but for sure an abortion, lies, lack of trust and compromise are not the foundations of a healthy relationship. Please think about it, be honest to yourself and to him.

    You said he loves you, but you doubt on him, because you have hidden the truth about you to him. You don´t believe you have a future together because you know your present is a lie. Please forgive me for being so direct, but someway you need to wake up. I can see must be extremely painful to be pregnant and not being able to share it with the joy it deserves to welcome a new life, please give yourself the opportunity of having a life and a family with someone you trust completely.

    This is going to be very painful and damaging if you continue with this, please don´t wait till you get pregnant again, ask God for guidance, be who you are meant to be, ask for Forgiveness, please return to the Light.

    All my unconditional Love and Respect,

    María

  2. Hi sister Ruby83:)-
    Sorry to see you going through all this. Sister, it is haram (particularly in Islam also all major religions are against it as well) to terminate a life that was developing in your body, unless there are health issues threatening the life of the mother. Some scholars (don't remember exactly but I read somewhere) of Islam say that pregnancy can be terminated within sometime after a women gets pregnant (given the right reasons) but there are some scholars who argue against this. "ALLAH KNOWS BEST".
    As far as your boyfriend goes, then I will suggest that stare clear of him now; why?
    1- He is engaged or at least his mother has chosen someone for him back home in Pakistan to get married. He doesn't have the strength to go against her decision (I was in a similar situation once but I don't have any girlfriend or never been in a relationship before, though I wanted to get married to one girl but, we were not in any sort of relationship Alhamdullilah). There could be any reasons for him not going against her mother.

    2- Secondly, Ruby! when you know that boyfriend/girlfriend or any other form of relationship (friendship between the members of opposite sex) other than marriage is not permissible in Islam, then you shouldn't be together at all. He is committing a grave sin and if he is engaged or if his parents have proposed/chosen a girl for him in Pakistan then, he is cheating on her even if she is not his wife yet.

    3- Thirdly, no one can force anyone to come to Islam for any reason whatsoever sister. Let me take this opportunity to tell you something that; 4 out of 5 people who embrace Islam are women {something for you to think sister and find out for yourself:)-}. Whatever the reason they come to Islam, most of them do their own study and clear their doubts and question they have about our beautiful religion of Islam. Some brothers and sisters take years and years to study before making this beautiful life changing decision of converting to Islam. Also sister, there is a core belief that all practising Muslims share (born or revert/converts); WHATEVER, WE AS A MUSLIM DO IN THIS WORLDLY LIFE IS ONLY AND ONLY FOR THE SAKE OF PLEASING OUR CREATOR "ALLAH ALMIGHTY" AND EARNING HIS BLESSINGS AND FAVOUR.

    4- Sister! if he is forcing you to embrace Islam when he is not practising by himself (being in a haram relationship, other things I don't know so, I don't want to comment). If he was a good Momin Muslim then, he wouldn't be in a relationship with you in the first place and even if he had changed for good later on for whatever reason (some of us wake up right in the middle of something and try to change our self by abstaining from anything haram) then, he would have changed himself first and presented himself as a model of how a good practising Muslim should be. From your post sister, it doesn't reflect that he is a good Muslim himself who can be a good example for other people around him, in fact you as a non-Muslim have found out that, this relationship is Haram but he still is insistent on being with you when he is a born Muslim and should know about this as this is very basic. Though, you mentioned that he has taken you to the Mosque and you have met his friends and cousins( why did he introduced you only as a FRIEND?) but still he is in this relationship (haram) also I sense that if his cousins know about you then his family back home also knows (not always as a lot of guys from my country just go wild and completely forget that there is an authority sitting in the skies watching over them even if they don't care about sabotaging the trust, honour and values taught to them by their parents and their teachers, society where they come from etc)

    5- As far as your relationship with him goes after marriage as a second wife or out of marriage sister, don't get into this. Believe me it's not easy being a second wife for a women and not easy for a man to have more then 1 one wife (Yes! it is permitted but it's almost impossible to keep the balance). Because we men are made this way, we will almost always fall for one partner more, depending on different things like attraction, mutual understanding, care or some other parameters. Also sister, have you considered the feeling of that poor girl, waiting in Pakistan for him, when he is enjoying his life here with you. Put yourself in her place sister and then see how does it feel:)-. Any relationship outside marriage is forbidden for Muslim men and women. Even if he wants to take you as a wife (which you mentioned, you won't be comfortable with due to jealousy, which is normal), he will have to take permission from his first wife and there should be a genuine reason for him to marry again. He will be torn apart between two women and won't be able to do justice to any or both of them and will be committing sin.

    6- As far as setting up business together is concerned then I can't say much(whether men and women can do business together in any possible way) due to my limited knowledge. But, if they could then they have to maintain their distance strictly and you know it will be almost impossible to do that for two human beings of opposite gender who were once in a pre-marital Haram relationship.

    7- If he is serious about marrying you then ask him to speak to his parents and give them his opinion on marriage. That's the only way forward sister I am afraid. Secondly! sister, he isn't a strong man when he can't stand for you now. Can you imagine how will he protect and look after you and his family with you tomorrow once, you both get married.

    So, I would say that cut all the contacts with him altogether. I know it won't be easy but it is the only way to go. Deep down you know that this has to end one day so, why not start pulling out now and save yourself the pain and trouble later on. ALSO SISTER THINK OF THE LIFE THAT YOU HAD TO ABORT BECAUSE YOUR UNCERTAIN FUTURE AND ATTITUDE OF YOUR BOYFRIEND. Doesn't that make you think that all this is not right and is Haram.
    One thing I would like to request you now is that DO STUDY ABOUT ISLAM. It isn't what you see around in the Media or how people around you are practising it. It is a solution for all the problems that we are facing in this world right know regardless of which country we come from, religion, society, culture etc. Start reading and do your research sister and then see why Islam is the fastest growing religion. I get a feeling that you have somehow done some self study of Islam yourself, so don't let it go sister, believe me if you embrace Islam after your own research and study and for the right reasons then you will realise later on that it was the best of the best decision you made in your whole life.
    May Allah SWT show you the right path and help you to make the right decision in all the matters you are facing now and will face in future. (Amin)
    ALSO SISTER, I APOLOGISE IF I HURT YOUR FEELINGS OR OFFENDED YOU IN ANY POSSIBLE WAY, AS IT WASN'T MY INTENTION AND I ONLY WANTED TO HELP YOU IN THIS SITUATION BY PROVIDING MY OWN VIEWS.

    MKS1982:)-

  3. hi sister
    i read ur story its really sad to hear it first of all i want to suggest that no religion will allow a person to hav live in relation ur problems started from the time u started to live with ur boyfriend and u became pregnant which u aborted without ur bf knowing when u knw that ur boyfriend whoz a muslim vill not marry u when u knw that ur not goin 2 convert to islam nor hez goin to convert to hinduism wht s the use of such a relation that doesnt hav future without any bond that is marraige no religion will accept ur relation and if he goes back 2 pakistan and marries other girl u vill suffer if u dnt marry and u hav a live in relation ultimately u vill suffer
    i think this is one way love coz hes not ready 2 marry u ask him whether hez serious and if u r also serious try n convince his parents aswell u get convertd both do one or the other sacrifice. i really feel u shuldnt hav aborted the child coz children are given by God to only lucky people i feel sorry coz iam a mom of two and its a very pleasant thing to b a mom anywayz i pray that u both select a right path

  4. Oh my poor girl. I was in the same situation as you at one point. My boyfriend also set up a buisness for us to run, and i worked in it for 14 months. we would look at apartments where we would plan to live together when we got married, we even had a powerpoint of all of our wedding plans, with choices such as his outfit, flowers, the rings we would give each other, etc. He left me only a month and a half before his wedding to the girl from pakistan, and told me he no longer loved me, and he has to move on. It was brutal.
    After months of theraphy, i now understand these men feel like they have no choice in marrying the other girl. Everyone wants to feel like they have a say in their life, and free to choose what they want. So they want to live their pretend life with the girl they choose to be with as long as they possible can and as normally as they possible can. this is very selfish, and insensetive, and you deserve a lot better. You deserve to be let free from him so you can carry on with your life to find a man who will love you enough to be your husband in the end. Tell him to introduce you to his parents with the intent of marriage. If he can not do that, i advise you to begin searching for someone who is man enough to love you and stick by you till the end. Life is really difficult. There are so may unforseen challenges that we face, and you need to be with someone who's family will accept you and be there for you in all of life's situations. Its what you deserve. Trust me, i regret all the time i wasted by being with my boyfriend, hoping and hoping that we would get married, and nothing came out of it.

  5. hey how are you? after readin this i can understand how you are goint through. im not gonna point out ur mistakes, what is done is done. but i will say this do not convert to islam jus cos he says. if hes family not gonna accept you then this is probably the furthest this relationship will go. im a muslim married to a christian woman and got 3 kids and livin a blessed life 🙂

    also in islam its not right to inter mingle with opposite sex, if hes religious he should know this.
    if he wants you tell him to accept you the way you are.

    there are soo many good guys out there, you cant choose the person you fall in love with. hope things workout.

    peace............

  6. Dear Ruby,

    Hello. I want to tell you something that my mother always tells me -- "Your future is never promised". Especially by a man.

    Let's say he did marry you, and he presumably forgot about this other woman in the process. How would relations be between you and your in-laws? Especially the mother-in-law? Not only is this relationship not a prosperous one, but it is one headed to rock bottom.. mainly, for you, not for him because he has a back-up plan.

    Converting to Islam is not going to make you his wife. And you have every right to research Islam until you have memorized pages and pages and pages before you even think of converting. If the religious doesn't suit you, then another one will. The point is, that even if you do convert, he is still going to listen to his mother.

    By agreeing to marrying this man you only hurt yourself. He is not going to stay, the pressure from his family will make him pop. He will have to temporarily choose between you and his family, and you might be the champion for a while.. but then when children come along, he'll remember that he wants his family around when they are being raised. And, do you really want that kind of family to raise your children? Or even be affiliated with them? No offense to anyone, but there is nothing Islamic or Muslim about forcing your son to marry a girl.. this is against Islam, to force your child to marry someone.

    Marriage is not just between two people. It's between two sets of people. Because the affiliations your spouse has, will determine the course of your marriage.

    Best,

    Anonymous Blogger

  7. Salam

    thanks for the replies.

    It has been some time since I originally posted this and on re-reading I think some of the things i said led to confusion.

    1) there is not actually another woman in pakistan, his mother calls and asks "when are you going to get married" but there is nothing arranged as yet, I am simply working on the assumption that she probably has a list as long as her arm of lovely young ladies she feels would make good wives for her much loved son.
    2) we do not live together. he stays over maybe once a week as we both work hard so this time together is reserved for the weekend.
    3) it is easier to introduce eachother as "friends" to the people in our seperate lives as neither of us are comfortable with the term boyfriend/girlfriend/partner.
    4) he has set up my dream business for me which i am very grateful for but as it is exclusivley for women we are not working together.
    5) he saved me from a horrific marriage to an abusive drug addict and intorduced me to islam so I'm afraid in my eyes i can not see him as a bad person.

    After reading up on islam, speaking with the mosque leader and many muslim women I decided to revert back in december and feel I have made the right choice, it has not been forced 🙂
    He has asked several times this year if I will marry him and has suggested I speak with his father and eldest sister (they both speak english) and I am learning pashto so I can speak with his mother also. I don't know how this will all go but we are planning a trip to pakistan to see them.
    I am preparing myself to confess about the baby first. I am scared to do so but after reading the above answers I feel it important to do so. I just hope he does not abandon me in disgust over this. He has expressed his desire to have children with me and I fear it will hurt him to know I have already terminated what would have been our first baby.
    He has invested a lot into the relationship already and over the past few weeks I have met a lot more people and I'm being integrated into his life a lot more.
    He has been honest and has said if his parents still decide to choose a wife for him he will have to oblige them. In turn I have been honest and said that if this happens I can not accomidate being a second wife. We have an agreement that if his parents make this decission he is to tell me straight away so we can begin to seperate from eachother, this is to ease my own pain.
    We did try to stop the relationship however it did not go well. We missed eachother terribly and despite moving away from eachother (he moved to manchester) it did not last more than a month.

    I can only hope that I am not being fooled?

  8. How has it worked out for you Ruby?

  9. Ruby please share how the past few months have gone for you. You are in our prayers.

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