Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Non Muslim man and Muslim woman

US Army soldier

Well, this has been a hard and confusing time in my life. Me and this girl I met at college have been seeing each other for some time now.  She is Muslim, and I am probably the worst kind of guy in the eyes of others for her, because I was a soldier in the US Army.

First of all, she stared me down until I came up to her.  When I spoke to her, it was wonderful sparks flying, eyes locking all the good signs you could get to know this girl.  Then she tells me shes married, but she waits for me after class, writes notes in my books.  She was 18, buddy asked her dad to marry her, she was lonely and depressed and said yes.

Now she regrets it, and from our conversation and body language and random other things that are irrelevant say she feels for me how I feel for her.  She cries to me when she says husband.  He treats her like a pet.  Shes always watching over her back, shes not allowed to leave the house to even go to the gym.  That sounds like a slave, who got bought and is stuck because he pays for everything.

I'm not understanding why we can't be together.  There's no logical explanation why someone has to be miserable.  People make mistakes and learn from them.  I am tired of watching her live her life as an actor in someone elses play when she should be playing the leading role.  She told me that all I want is one thing and I wouldn't stick by her, but it seems that is what she is told to think of me.

Now I don't have to be anything else but a man, and know right from wrong.  Whats the issue.  We obviously make each other happy, and we both seem to know what we want out of life, but she can't have what she wants.  Its not like she wants to go have random sex with everyone and do drugs.  I make her happy and I could do right by her, and if Islam is what she believes than so be it, who am I to try to change someone elses mind about what they believe in.  I just accept people for who they are and embrace the difference. We are all humans and this is keeping us separate . Who are you, to stand in the way of someone elses life.  Destiny is not written on the palm of your hand.

- nofear227

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12 Responses »

  1. May the peace and blessings of Allah be upon you.

    As for this girl, I speak as a fellow human being and not just a Muslim, but she is a very bad person, she is married and yet having a relationship with another man, do you have no honour? Are you willing to take someone who is a cheat? Someone who can't even be honest to the man she's with

    Don't take this from any woman and don't be the one to destroy a marriage. Leave her, read up on true Islam and maybe you'll see how fortunate a loving couple are. Islam teaches all the modesty and shame that a human should feel, this woman has none.

    So good luck on your quest, but do not get involved with a woman like her, not because she's a Muslim, but because she's a bad human being. Her treatment at home is no justification for her reprehensible behaviour.

    • Excuse me but who are you to say she isnt a good muslim?

      How do we not know you hadnt done something that is against islam?

      With men, its nothing, with women its all blame-shame!

      You are so closed minded and not even thinking about a woman's feelings

      • The girl is married and having an relationship to someone outside of the marriage, whatever her reasons, her behaviour is unacceptable.

        If she has a problem with her marriage, she should try to fix it or if she can't end it. By having relationships with other men it just makes things 100 times worse for her.

  2. Salams,

    I absolutely don' t understand how you can feel attracted to someone who has a husband or is married.

    She approved of the marriage and even if she's not happy, it is not fair towards her husband to attract

    another guy. Would she want her husband to gaze at another lady? The worst disease of women, and

    I'm being self-critical here and accept if others attack me on this one, is that we want attention, we want

    to be good-looking, we love to turn heads( our fitra), we want men to desire us even if they aren't our

    own husbands, just in order to boost this god-damn confidence which would be higher if we wouldn't

    let others look at us apart from our husbands. But if someone else does that with our husband, we

    feel threatened and hurt. We kill our husbands if they give someone else attention, but what about us?

    Don't we have to start with ourselves if we want to protect the society from fisad and fitnah?

    If she leaves her husband for you, nobody gives you the guarantee that she won't do the same to you.

    Nobody. It is very likely, if you define love by physical attraction.

    If she isn't happy in her marriage, she can leave her husband without betraying him. She should sort

    things out for herself and take care of her own life, instead of dragging you into her problems and making

    you part of the problem. Stay away from her, for by being unfaithful and devious, no relationship on this

    planet can be developed and no oppressed woman can be rescued.

    Jazakallah

  3. Hi,
    So what is the question?
    regards,

  4. I'm sorry for both of you and the girl who is miserable in her marriage at a young age. This is why I do not want my future children to go through the same way. I want them to be happy and settle when the time is right, like aged 25/26 or at least when they are mature enough to marry. I don't care about what the society says, I'm the one who is raising the children not others.

    Secondly Islam strongly believes in Marriage and arrange marriage are usually the tradition and the main thing is when a family introduces their children to other sons/daughters and basically get to know each other and if they like each other then they will take it further, if not, they move on to another people. Its kind of like shopping, lol. Usually is successful but half of the chances it doesnt work out. Divorces are allowed in Islam with a long process too.

    Forced marriage is where family securing the deal with another family, possibly close families and forces children to marry that particular someone or else. Some of them have no choice and some would not tolerate this and either leave the family or get killed as long as they do not want to be forced this way. i agree with Jannah ^ she has the right to leave her husband but only without this reason. It would make her the bad one as it say: girls always get the blame. She should be happy that she doesnt have kids with this husband. I would only say in this matter that if you really want to do right by her then you know you have to stay true to your words otherwise its a waste of time, enegry and loss of hope. Same for the girl in question. Although she sounds a little immature too but i cannot blame her for that, especially when she wasnt ready to marry.

    I think it is sweet you do care for this girl's happiness whereas not many muslim men even bother to care, but real relationship or marriage not possible due to the family values. Just take few steps back and let her make the decision, even if its means leaving the family which is very hard considering her happiness and freedom. So that you would not be the culprit of this problem. ok?

    Wish you all the luck and success

    • Ms. Amira:

      Brother Abdul here probably should have said that having an extra-marital relationship is bad instead of saying that the girl was a bad person.

      It is my observation that Muslim men are often portrayed as cruel, barbaric, authoritarian, wife-beater....you name other negative connotations. While I do not deny that many Muslim men are indeed bad husbands, the generalization is not acceptable by any means. More saddening is the fact that there appeared a section from the Muslim women, especially those living in the West, who themselves promote such image of Muslim men, and bash Muslim men like there is no tomorrow at any slightest possible opportunity.

      Islam does not tell anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. But there is a proper way that you should follow to get out of that abusive relationship. If you are a wife who is being abused, you first of all communicate with your husband and talk straight about your rights. If that does not work, you may want your parents to talk with your husbands to resolve the issues. If that does fail too, Allah has given women the right of 'khula'-the back door divorce from marriage. Only after you are legally divorced from your husband, you start looking for another husband.

      Before you offer any piece of advice here, you first of all needed to show the HUMILITY to tell the person who posted this question here that what is happening between him and the girl is wrong as per the Islamic Sharia. Instead of doing that you have described his taking care of the girl as something 'SWEET'.

      The Messenger of Allah himself ordered us to show extra mercy to those who have sinned. When a man urinated inside the mosque, the Messenger showed mercy to him. He explained to him why urinating inside the mosque is wrong. When a man came to the Messenger of Allah and asked him to grant permission to commit zina, he showed mercy to him and kindly explained why such act would be wrong and immodest. But, out of mercy, did he declare the unlawful as lawful for them? He did not. It is OK that you have showed compassion for the girl, but at the same time, your have also shown your compassion such a way that clearly gives the message that what is going on between the soldier and the girl is OK.

      I am not here to speculate anything, but I personally believe that compassion should only be showed when you completely know the facts from both sides. Have you heard from the girl? Have you heard from the current husband of the girl? You did not. As I have said, I do not want to speculate, but I will relate you a story. There was a teacher in my high school. She was a hijab wearing woman, who would even wear niqab. She had children. Somehow, she got into a relationship with the ambassador of my country. Can you imagine that? It happened. And then what? After her marriage with the ambassador, she told the community that her husband was abusive. How come we or people acquainted with her never before heard that her husband was abusive? Allah knows what actually happened, but this story neither makes niqabi girls bad nor it proves Muslim husbands to be abusive. Every incident is a discrete incident, and should be judged like that.

      The deen of Allah is complete and perfect. Even if all, I mean 100%, Muslim males are abusive, Islamically your daughter would still not be allowed to marry a disbeliever, not matter how caring, loving, cute, romantic he is. Now matter how sweet it seems in your eyes, extra-marital relationship is HARAM and will remain HARAM till the end of time.

      It is an honor that Allah has given us the greatest Messenger who has given us the law. None of us is perfect. When it comes to putting into practice, we all fail in one way or another, but let us at least have the decency and humility to recognize the lawful as lawful and unlawful as unlawful. Allah said:

      Has there not come to you the news of those who disbelieved before? So they tasted the bad consequence of their affair, and they will have a painful punishment. That is because their messengers used to come to them with clear evidences, but they said, "Shall human beings guide us?" and disbelieved and turned away. And Allah dispensed [with them]; and Allah is Free of need and Praiseworthy. [64:5-6]

  5. Hello and salam alaykoum

    I am Kenza, originally from Algeria, but born in France.
    I am muslim. I think when you're not attracted by arabs, asians or black people, it is very hard to fall in love with somebody when you're muslim and thus to get married.
    Unfortunately, i'm in love with a French guy. He is a non believer, he doesn't believe in God. When I try to have a conversation about Islam or just God for a start, he is reluctant. I've been in love with him for 2 years now, and I've had to learn how to live with that love. And I don't think some day I'll get married because I can't marry a non muslim, but I keep hoping. So, I wanted to say that I really feel sorry for you two. Why not convert yourself?
    Well, I would like Nicholas to get to know Islam, and if he doesn't find the faith, well I will know we weren't meant to be.
    cheers!

    • Kenza, you say you've been in love with this atheist man for two years, and have "had to learn how to live with that love." Instead, you should have learned to live without it. You've been with him two years and you're still waiting for him to convert? You are fooling yourself. The big mistake here was allowing yourself to become attached to this man in the first place. Now it's going to be much more difficult to break it off, which is what you have to do if you expect to retain your own faith.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. Nofear, you said, "I'm not understanding why we can't be together." Really? Because she's MARRIED, dude.

    She's young and obviously immature. Maybe she follows her faith, maybe not so much. Maybe she was pressured into an arranged marriage with someone she doesn't like. Maybe not. I don't know. What I do know is that her relationship with you is completely illegitimate. If her situation in her married life is bad, this unlawful affair with you will make everything much, much worse.

    If she has problems in her marriage she should work on them, and fix the marriage. If that's impossible and she is truly miserable, then she can get divorced. But carrying on with another man (Muslim or not) is totally unacceptable.

    If you want what's best for this girl, you'll tell her to leave you alone, and you will cease all contact with her.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. Salaam No Fear 227,

    I am sorry that you feel this way and you are blaming our religion for the scenario that you have ended up in.

    It is commonly accepted that men who pursue women in impossible situations fear commitment and feel more comfortable loving someone who is out of their grasp, so that they may experience all of the beautiful feelings of love - and never have to do anything real about it.

    Have you asked yourself why you feel this need to go after something which is almost guaranteed to fail? Rather than question everything outside of yourself, you need to ask yourself why you choose to punish yourself emotionally like this by following paths with roadblocks on them.

    You should know that in Islam, women cannot marry a non-Muslim. Muslims cannot have premarital relationships and they cannot have extra-marital relationships. This is all grave sin, and against our religion. So the problem does not occur: "because of her religion" - the problem occurs when she acts out of accordance with her religion, and then blames the religion for the problems instead of her decisions. You too, must find the responsibility in your actions and not in the religion. The religion is clear cut on these issues and simple to understand.

    We all look for someone to blame, but if this woman has made numerous mistakes in her life by obeying her emotions (be they positive ones or negative ones) than that is not the responsibility of Islam, but her responsibility.

    I advice you to stay away from this girl. She is giving you all of the green signals and then telling you "no", and feeding you sad stories so that you can find blame elsewhere. I know there is a massive Romeo and Juliet style tragic love story being created here, with Islam as the "major barrier" - but to me it sounds like game playing and manipulation.

    Wake up. Stop accepting every story this female is feeding you and come to your senses. You are being played by an irresponsible teenager, and the only one who is getting hurt is you. Find someone suitable and available for you so that you can have a fruitful relationship that is going to go someone and not one whose passion relies on problems.

    You have misidentified your problem, I hope I have been able to clarify it for you.

    Peace,

    Leyla
    Editor, Islamic Answers

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