Islamic marriage advice and family advice

None of my proposals materialise

Salam,

I am writing in today as I have started feeling incredibly low again, I just feel as though life is full of CONSTANT hurdles and I keep losing motivation.

I know I should be grateful to Allah swt for everything I have, but I have been dying for one particular happiness for a long while now but despite my efforts I am  not seeing any results.

I had a horrible expereince when I first set out to find a suitable spouse and it traumatised me, it took me a long while to recover from it but  I have. I learnt from the experience and feel stronger and happier, and am ready to settle down with the right person to start the next part of my life.

I have met some potential partners over the last few months, and everything seems to progress well and just when I begin to think that it could finally be happening it all ends as quickly as it began. It either just dissolves for no apparent reason, or I find out something terrible about the person and end things myself.

I keep praying to Allah swt and am waiting with patience, but I just feel really helpless now. What if I never meet the right person? I am already in my late 20's, and its hard because all my siblings, friends and cousins are married, even my ex has found someone. I know I am not ugly, I am intelligent, have a good character, educated and good company but still I wonder if there is something wrong with me ? Why is it taking so long for me to settle down with someone - is it punishment for my past sins, was I the one that was wrong - did I hurt my ex's feelings and hence why I am struggling now.

I know its a test from Allah swt, but I just feel so sad and left out when everyone is out having fun with their partners - I feel lonely and as a consequence it hurts my self esteem and confidence. Today I am missing my ex alot not because I want to marry him, but because I want that closeness with someone. Please tell me is there anyting else I can do to achieve my goal...please make dua for me.

~Confusedpuzzle


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70 Responses »

  1. My dear sister,

    I am going to tell you the same thing I tell my own daughter. Go to lunch with good friends, go to gatherings and weddings and get yourself out there. If you are at home sitting about, no one knows about you or that you even exist. You never know if there is a sister looking for a wife for her brother or male relative or...a mother looking for a wife for her son. I do understand how being alone makes you feel sad and lonely, I see my daughter go through the high's and the lows too and it just breaks my heart. Have faith and pray that Allah will bring a good suitor your way. Don't give up sweetie...he's out there.

    May Allah lift your heart and send a good pious Muslim brother your way...amin.

    Salam

  2. dear
    i know how you feel. It hurts a lot, i know! I can tell you a thousand consoling words like.. its gonna be ok, try harder, be patient, dont cry etc. but it will still hurt.
    I am in the same situation and when I am hurting, I cry. I cry a lot, then I look around to see people who are worse than me. It makes me feel great full to Allah for giving me so much.

    When you feel low and it is really bad then cry your heart out. Feel bad as much as it feels bad then look at others who are suffering as well. There is a hadith that says you should look down at people who are worse than you and not look up at those better than you, otherwise you will undermine the thousands of blessings of Allah given to you.
    May Allah help you sister.

  3. salams sister.

    i am also in your shoes. astagfirullah but mine is even worse. dis year i would b 29. i only advice u to keep to prayers and a miracle would happen. as at last two weeks i nearly lost faith in Allah. but am now fine alhamdulillah. remember that Allah swt would never give u a burden that u. cant carry and he would see us through our problems.
    Say duas and things would be fyn insha Allah.

    May he answer our duas and Grant us pious husbands who would pity us and love us. And leave with us in faith. Amin

  4. Nahmaduhu wa nussalli ala rasulihil kareem amma baaad,

    Assalam oalykum wr wb,

    Indeed it will materialise have faith in Allah swt,,its a test for you and surely u iwll be rewarded, maY be there is best one out there,, According to sunnah,if u cant get married keep plenty fasts in a row.that will curb the desires.and pray to Allah to guide u and keep u guided till u situation improves otherwise marriage is sheild from sin.

    Please do not forget to read surah baqarah
    In Musnad Ahmad, Sahih Muslim, At-Tirmidhi and An-Nasa'i, it is recorded that Abu Hurayrah (Radhi Allahu Anhu) said that the Prophet (Sallallahu Alayhi wa Sallam) said,

    “Do not turn your houses into graves. Verily, Shaytan does not enter the house where Surah Al-Baqarah is recited.” (Muslim, At-Tirmidhi An-Nasa’i)

    Also, `Abdullah bin Mas`ud (Radhi Allahu Anhu) said, "Shaytan flees from the house where Surat Al-Baqarah is heard.'' (An-Nasa'i in Al-Yawm wal-Laylah)

  5. Salaam Sisters

    Jazakallah khair for having the courage to put into words what I have been feeling for so many years. Tonight I could not get over my loneliness and depression so I started searching for islamic articles or blogs on the subject and am so grateful to the Almighty for making it possible for me to come across your blog. I am 33, university graduate but can neither find a job in my own field nor a husband.

    My first marriage was a sham and now my ex is happily married with children but I have been alone for the past seven years! I can not seem to find any decent marriagable practising muslim man and the man who do want me only do so for how I look. I look alot younger than I am and Allah subhana wa tallah has blessed me with much beauty and brains alhamdhulillah, but there is no one in my life to appreciate it. It is very hard to keep faith in situations like this. I will be honest, I have stopped making salaat and dua and yet I remember Allah subhana wa tallah and do tasbeeh. It is like the fear is still there but the strength of the faith like light is slowly fading.

    Seven years is a long time. Sometimes I wonder where my life is meant to go. It is like I am at a stand still. I live a decent life and yet people around me who indulge in all forms of hedonism or lesser educated than me progress and here I am waiting. My younger sister alhamdhulillah has been married for nearly a decade and has been blessed with two beautiful children. I crave to have my own family. When I see others children it brings so much happiness to me. Alhamdhulillah children love me too so come to me readily. But I would love to have that with my own children. I logged onto couple of marriage websites as well but was unsuccessful. So quite frankly I do not know what to tell you, but do hope that when you find any answers you will share. I have decided all I can do is just keep going and making dua.

  6. i want to know about my marriage life my husband divorce me what is my marriage future and my children future

    • Muslim's do not believe in predicting the future. The future is known by Allah (swt) Alone.

      If you have any other question, please log in and submit it as a separate post. Thank you.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • my husband name is m ....... .he sent divorce 3times in january.his mother name is ........his mother and my husband call me and says that we give divorce tamporary.you give permision second marriage so we take divorce return.and you and children live in yours mother home .all life on my name.i want to know my marriage is finish or run.please you do istakhra about my marriage life is finish or ok.

        • Bushra,

          You must do istikhara yourself. Please see the link at the top of this page with information about Istikhara.

          Regarding your divorce/nikah, please consult with a Mufti/Imam. We are not qualified to answer such questions.

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  7. Salaams Sisters,

    Wow, there seems to be a lot of sadness and despair going on here! I know how you all feel, as I am in a similar situation. However, we cannot lose hope and sink into states of depression and hopelessness.

    First of all, put your trust in Allah. Allah is THE planner, He does have a plan for each of us and we have to trust His plan - He is after all the All knowing and knows us better than we know ourselves. Do not stop praying, or asking for Allah's help. In fact, you should be dedicating more time to praying and worshipping Allah. Make lots and lots of Dua and be patient.

    Once you have that going, then focus on yourselves - start getting more involved in the community. Start doing things that you like and have always wanted to do, but never did them. This would be Halaal things, of course. For example, I have always wanted to learn marital arts, but never did. However, I have recently joined a martial arts class taught by a muslim sister, who is a Tae Kwon Do Black Belt!! This was very exciting news for me, Alhamdulillah! 🙂
    Anyway, my point is that you start focusing on yourselves - take some classes, learn to cook, start exercising, start painting.....whatever you like to do that will help you utilize your potential and develop skills you never thought you had.
    Focusing on things that you like or enjoy doing, is a great distraction and time passes by quickly. It is a much better way to spend your time than obsessing on the "why", "when", "where", "how" and "who", that is currenly plaguing your minds.

    Also, please keep in mind our reason for being here: To worship Allah. That is why we are here. This life is the short one, don't become attached to it - no good can come of that. And please stop comparing your lives to others, who you percieve to be happier than you. You do not know their situation - they could actually be more unhappy than you are.

    Sisters, please be happy and content with yourselves and your lives. And start loving yourselves. We, each and every one of us, actually has a lot to offer. Don't worry about your age, sometimes we are not ready, even if we think that we are. Insha Allah when the time is right, the right one will come along!

    Oh, and SMILE!! 🙂

    Sid

  8. assalaamualaikum sister @confused puzzle.

    Do not lose hope in the help of Allah - Allah is all knowing and He knows our hearts and our needs.
    Perhaps this is a test for you - so keep praying and asking more dua from Allah, Have Sabr in HIM.

    May He grant you a wonderful spouse. Ameen.

    The Prophet (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said, “Allah the Most High said, ‘I am as My servant thinks (expects) I am. I am with him when he mentions Me. If he mentions Me to himself, I mention him to Myself; and if he mentions Me in an assembly, I mention him in an assembly greater than it.

    If he draws near to Me a hand’s length, I draw near to him an arm’s length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed.’” [Sahih Al-Bukhari]

    And Allah knows best.

    I am also in the similar situation dear sister - sometime i too get upset as it is difficult to cope with questions from relatives and family about why I am not married yet. But the comfort that Allah is with me is what gets me through everyday.
    Alhamdulilah - I remain grateful for the many blessings Allah has given me - and it helps to have Sabr.

    so once again dear sister in faith - Have Sabr in Allah.

  9. Assalamu alaikum.
    Thank u very much sister SID. Thats a nice one there you wrote. Another way to forget about depression is to do good to others. I am a teacher and masha Allah i have started pting up a primary school from my salary so as to get children brought up in a proper islamic environment. It has really made me happy and i pray that ALLAH SWT SEES ME THRU.

    Very soon i would appeal to the muslim umah to help me put up a mosque and a library for the school insha Allah and also islamic learning materials for basic school kids. Although am not married i know that ALlah swt has a day for my wedding insha Allah. And for now i want. To do something worth while. Lets all do same.
    Wassalam.

    For donation of books for the school or anything please contact me.

    • Salaams Sister L.O.S,

      Alhamdulillah, I am happy you found my words useful. It is a reminder for myself as well, as I sometimes fall into a slump. I guess we need to keep moving forward and don't lose hope in Allah (SWT).

      And yes, doing good to others and helping those in need is an excellent way to forget about depression and our own issues.

      May Allah (SWT) protect us, guide us and pour down on us His mercy, blessings and lots of Sabr, courage and strength, Ameen.

      • Ameen thima ameen

      • Yes, indeed we are chosen the best nation because we promote virtue and prevent vice .

        ameen. and allah has said clearly in surah mulk. that he has made this life as a test, and indeed we will find serenity ,peace forever in hereafter. and remember when u do good to others surely u will be benefited with the good.Allah is all seer and hearer

        Assalam oalykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

  10. salam jzk all for your advice and duas. It was good to hear from those who arein the same position as me. I pray with sincerity that we all find someone suitable very soon who keeps us happy in this world and helps to make our position strong for the hereafter too.

    My main problem is having to meet potential partners, and repeating the whole process all over again when things dont materialise. I feel like a complete failure and like I have no control over my life anymore.I became very weak at one point and astaghfirullah but I started to wonder whether Allah even existed and stopped turning to Him. But its the damn shaytaan that is putting all these horrible thoughts in my mind and bringing me down.

    One thing that I am constantly battling with is my past. My brother was very inappropriate with me when I was younger, before puberty and to be honest I didnt really understand what was happening, until one day I realised and stared distancing myself from him but he became forceful. I remember eventually plucking up the courage and telling my mum very few details to protect her really, and also because I was too scared to tell her everyting, but from that day onwards he stopped and I felt safe again. Strangely enough I somehow repressed all of this and got on with mylife, I guess I forgave my brother but deep down I HATE him, and I hate to see him happy. Then many years later I messed up with my 'ex' because I thouht he loved me, and ended up used and degraded. Anyway, despite all of this I have gotten on quite well in life and succeeded socially, intellectually and financially. But as of late, I feel very insecure, I really just want control of my life again so I can reach my baseline psychological state. I really want to now meet the right person who will love me genuinely as his wife, and be proud of me, so that I can leave behind all this horrible memories that pop into my mind because of my lonliness, andI can re-start my life again.

    Please everyone make dua for me, as I will for you all.

  11. Assalamoalaikum,
    Dearest Sister Confusedpuzzled,
    I always look for your responses to other people's questions. You know why? I feel so much for you and I feel your sincerity and your struggle with yourself and I also appreciate you for MashaAllah gathering yourself so much after your past.
    My dear I know it sometimes feels like there's nothing left in life. We have been used, brought down, have faced so many struggles yet now too we have to fight with ourselves every second . Every morning , the whole day and night. I feel it too. But you know something how i live with it? I just try to be present now and here and make the most of it. Trying to be more closer to Allah(s.w.t), helping people , keeping myself busy and the most important handing over all my affairs to Allah(s.w.t) .
    Because you know there were many things in life that i wanted so much and didn't get and now looking back I realize it was a blessing for me to escape those.
    So now too when I feel lonely or not getting something that I need so much i try to convince myself that right now it's the best thing that could ever happen to me. And i try to make my trust stronger on Him(s.w.t).
    So InshaAllah i'm going to pray for you right now. So that you feel better. And we all lead our lives more happily , productively and with strong faith.
    And one more thing try to pamper yourself . I do it often to feel good and happy. Because you are the most important person in your life. So do it and see the result.
    Love and prayers,
    Takecare,
    Masalaam

  12. Salam,

    I am very sad to have read all the sad stories on this topic. Clearly many people are suffering.

    I know sisters want a man all to themselves and aren't generally willing to share.

    Has anyone here considered being a second wife?

    The fact is that the world is fast moving towards being a place were polgamy is the only key to the survival of the species and the safeguard of communities.

    MONOGAMY will cease to exist in a world not far from now. People will choose to live short bursts of monogamy or pracitce adultery or other forms of behaviour lower than that practiced by animals...
    and those that Allah protects will practice polygamy.

    Allah says marry 2, 3 or 4,

    .... IF you fear that you cant do justice... THEN only 1.

    The beloved messenger pbuh said that in future every man will be responsible for around 50 women (not exact wording).

    The current population of men to women in the world is already disproportionate and imbalanced. polygamy is what will return the balance.

    non muslims can practice the filth that they do... but what about my good pious sisters what are they to do?

    so you see the math is simple...

    cape town 7 women for every man
    it is one of the gay capitals of the world

    saudi 5 women to every man
    west 4/5 women to every man

    increasing gay poplations

    increasing muslim reverts and most of whom are female

    few practising muslim men who are on the correct understainding of islam

    few practising muslim men who have the qualities of being a good husband and father....

    divorce rates on the increase...

    women clearly outnumber good men by many fold..

    sisters need to share and not be greedy and keep all the good to themselves,

    sisters who demand to keep a man all to themselves are just as greedy as the man who demands 4 wives...

    good MEN who are marriage material are probably by the age of 28 happily married and living comfortable successful lives...

    The majority of them would take a second wife happily if the wives would support them, but because theyre good men and wont want to risk harm to their first family wouldnt DARE do it.

    The magic that harut and marut taught was regarding how to separate a wife and a husband

    shaytan crowns his little shayateen when they separate a husband and wife, he doesnt even do this for someone who kills a person... why....

    because that is the way to destroy a community...

    the imbalance of single women means that they will begin to steal husbands from wives.

    or they will become lesbians etc and even start having disgusting relations with animals and the other sickness that unmaried societies create and this filth is seeing its way into mulsim communities.

    in the past when a civilisation became more successful it became more polygamous it was a sign of its success

    when men beacme successful they became more polygamous

    eg the kings anr prophets of the past and also lords etc

    but now they promote monogamy but practice adultery which is also polyagamy

    all succesful men have almost always had more than one wife or woman on the side... look at the presidents and priministers...

    monilka lewinsky

    the recent french minister who died and at is funeral there was his family and a strange woman with kids that no one recognised, later revealed that it his mistress.

    polygamy has always been the norm and monogamy abnormal

    although shaytaan and his allies are trying their best to make polygamy abnormal and monogamy normal , they will fail.

    because there will always rise a people that will remain steadfast on hwat Allah has made halal even though shaytaans allies make it haram and they will seek to establish Allahs rule upon the Earth.

    We need to make a choice.

    Salaam

    • Sorry to say but your post is nonsense .

      You should verify your information first before posting such ignorance .

      The current men to women ratio of the world population is almost 1:1 .

      Wikipedia would be a good start .

      • Hmmm...

        thanks for suggesting wikipedia, but i'd rather stay away... is that really a reliable source?
        Do you know who writes all the info in wikipedia?

        try this out...
        This is the sorry state of the UK only! My home... I'll give you a lesson on one of the other countries some other time, if you wish.... ; )

        Population
        From age 22 women outnumber men
        More boys than girls are born each year but there are more women than
        men overall in the UK population: 30.3 million females compared with
        28.9 million males in mid-2002.

        Thats a whopping 1.4 million more men than women - only in the UK - Thats a big number!

        There are around 20,000 more boys than girls at each age from birth
        through to the late teens. By age 22 the number of young women
        overtakes the number of young men. This is partly because of higher net
        in-migration among women than men in recent years. Also, death rates
        from accidents and suicide are much higher for young men than for
        young women.
        This difference between the sexes increases through the 20s and 30s age
        groups, but is smaller again for those in their 40s. The gap narrows mainly
        due to higher net inward migration among men in the older working ages.
        For people in their late 50s and onwards, the difference between the sexes
        increases, as the death rates are greater among men than among women.
        This is most pronounced in the very elderly, as women tend to live longer
        than men. The Second World War has also had an impact on the number
        of men aged over 80. In 2002 there were three and half times as many
        women as men aged 90 or over.
        The pattern of women outnumbering men is projected to continue in
        the future, although the gap is expected to narrow as death rates among
        men continue to improve. The ratio of men to women varies across the
        ethnic groups. There are more women than men in the White, Black and
        Indian groups in England and Wales. By contrast, there are more men than
        women in the Pakistani, Bangladeshi, Chinese, and Other groups.

        Source:
        Census, April 2001, Office for National Statistics;
        Census, April 2001, General Register Office for Scotland;
        Census, April 2001, Northern Ireland Statistics and Research Agency;
        Mid-2002 Population Estimates: United Kingdom; estimated resident
        population by single year of age and sex - provisional results from the
        Manchester matching exercise, Office for National Statistics;
        Population Projections, Government Actuary’s Department

        http://www.unece.org/fileadmin/DAM/stats/gender/publications/UK/Focus_on_Gender.pdf

        Living Arrangements
        9 in 10 lone parents are women
        Around six out of ten men and women in the UK live in a couple. Five in
        ten men and women are married and one in ten are cohabiting.
        Men are more likely than women to be single (never married), while
        women are more likely than men to be divorced or widowed. There are
        over three times as many widows as widowers in the population as women
        tend to live longer than men.
        The pattern of partnership formation has changed over the last 30 years.
        The proportion of married people has fallen, while the proportions of
        single and divorced people have increased. The average age at marriage
        in England and Wales increased by seven years from 1971 to 2001 for both
        men and women, to nearly 35 years of age for men and 32 years
        for women.
        Cohabitation has increased over the past twenty five years as marriage
        has declined. Single women are more likely than single men to be
        cohabiting. However, separated and widowed men are around twice as
        likely to cohabit than women of the same marital status. A slightly greater
        proportion of divorced men cohabit than divorced women.
        As with marriage, women tend to cohabit at younger ages than men.
        Women aged between 16 and 24 are over twice as likely as men to
        cohabit, while men over 25 years are more likely than women of the same
        age to cohabit.
        With the long-term rise in divorce, the numbers of divorced people in
        England and Wales has also increased. There were 1.5 million divorced
        men and 2.0 million divorced women in 2001, compared with 187,000 and
        296,000 divorced men and women, respectively, in 1971.
        Almost 70 per cent of divorces in England and Wales in 2001 were granted
        to the wife. Women were most likely to be granted a divorce on the
        grounds of unreasonable behaviour, whereas for men, the most likely
        reason was two years separation with consent.
        There has been a doubling in the proportion of households headed by a
        lone parent with dependent children in the UK since the early 1970s, to
        6 per cent in 2002. Up to the mid-1980s a large part of the rise was due
        to divorce. More recently, the number of single, lone mothers has grown
        at a faster rate, because of the rise in the proportion of births outside
        marriage. Lone mothers headed the majority of lone parent families in
        spring 2002, with just one in ten headed by a lone father.
        The majority of stepfamilies consist of a couple with one or more children
        from the previous relationship of the woman only. This reflects the
        tendency for children to stay with their mother following the break up
        of a partnership. In just under one in ten stepfamilies in Great Britain the
        children came from the father’s previous relationship in 2001.

        Source:
        Census, April 2001, Office for National Statistics;
        Census, April 2001, General Register Office for Scotland;
        Census, April 2001, Northern Ireland Statistics and Research Agency;
        Labour Force Survey, spring 2002, Office for National Statistics;
        General Household Survey, 2000/01 to 2001/02, Office for National
        Statistics.
        Notes:
        The data relate to all people aged 16 and over unless otherwise stated

        Ok... I tell you what, lets look at wikipedia...

        This is wikipedia...

        Sexual orientation
        A 2010 survey from the Office of National Statistics found that 1.5% of Britons identify as either homosexual or bisexual—far lower than previous estimates of 5–7%.[32] However, this survey has been regarded as a false estimate by many for many reasons. One being that many people who engage in homosexual activities may not identify themselves as homosexuals. Another being that many gay individuals are still in the closet and choose not to reveal their sexuality. Furthermore they may actually be in heterosexual relationships or even in heterosexual marriages. Gay dating website Gaydar also contested this statistic, stating in an article in Pink News that they have 2.2 million members with Trevor Martin, managing director at Gaydar saying; "The Office for National Statistics figures don't add up. With 2.2 million Gaydar profiles in the UK either there are a lot of straight guys playing away from girlfriends or every single gay and lesbian in the country tunes into GaydarRadio – or the ONS have got it terribly wrong". Furthermore nearly 4% of those asked on the ONS survey refused to answer, said they did not know or described themselves as "other".[33]

        This is from islambasics.com

        7. World female population is more than male population

        In the USA, women outnumber men by 7.8 million. New York alone has one million more females as compared to the number of males, and of the male population of New York one-third are gays i.e sodomites. The U.S.A as a whole has more than twenty-five million gays. This means that these people do not wish to marry women. Great Britain has four million more females as compared to males. Germany has five million more females as compared to males. Russia has nine million more females than males. God alone knows how many million more females there are in the whole world as compared to males.

        8. Restricting each and every man to have only one wife is not practical

        Even if every man got married to one woman, there would still be more than thirty million females in U.S.A who would not be able to get husbands (considering that America has twenty five million gays). There would be more than four million females in Great Britain, 5 million females in Germany and nine million females in Russia alone who would not be able to find a husband.

        Suppose my sister happens to be one of the unmarried women living in USA, or suppose your sister happens to be one of the unmarried women in USA. The only two options remaining for her are that she either marries a man who already has a wife or becomes public property. There is no other option. All those who are modest will opt for the first.

        In Western society, it is common for a man to have mistresses and/or multiple extra-marital affairs, in which case, the woman leads a disgraceful, unprotected life. The same society, however, cannot accept a man having more than one wife, in which women retain their honourable, dignified position in society and lead a protected life.

        Thus the only two options before a woman who cannot find a husband is to marry a married man or to become public property. Islam prefers giving women the honourable position by permitting the first option and disallowing the second.

        There are several other reasons, why Islam has permitted limited polygyny, but it is mainly to protect the modesty of women.

    • @Hmmm just curious, are you the second wife in your family?

      • Haha!

        I am the only husband in my family...

        lol

        : )

        • then are you in a polygamous marriage?

          I thought you must have some real experiences of successful polygamy, after reading your post. Of course I agree Allah created the world with more women and lesser men. I mean I dont think I can read the news for a single day and not find men dieing from fights, accidents and other mishaps. I mean its always like when ther's a road accident the list of casualties will have only men and very rarely one or two women.

          In my country at the middle of last year, a terrible road accident happened, with 44 school boys dead. They were only 12 or 13 yrs old and on their way back from a school football game, their van lost control and fell in a pond, upside down. There is never such a big casualty of women ever.

          • Im not in a polygamous marriage, have considered it... have spoken to my wife - who i love dearly - but she's not keen, understandably. Which woman would be happy to share the love of her life with another? Our mothers the Prophets wives found it challenging to cope, to the extent that Allah had to intercede between them and gave them an ultimatum to choose Allah and his Messenger or The Messenger will give them respectable leave.

            They of course chose the Messenger.

            This practice will return and must return to return the natural balance, but not without heartache and "Jihad" (not literally) from everyone involved.

            Because communities, people and women are not yet ready to return to what used to be the normal state - now we have begun to belive that mongamy is the normal state - thats not the case.

            i pray Allah gives us true understanding of his religion and the strength to practice it.

  13. thank you. To be honest I am not sure why I keep writing in on here, nothing anyone can say has any effect anymore. Just when I pick myself up and move on and start to feel happy life throws another problem at me and I have to be strong and recommence the whole cycle of feeling like a failure, turning to Allah and getting on with my life until it all falls apart again.

    I have got to a poitn now where I simply dont care about life anymore, and dont really pray and am starting to wonder whether god even exists. I am just not happy anymore, and am constatnly failing in all my goals, life is static and I really have lost hope. I really just want some peace by leaving this world - why do I have to be here and face constant failure and unhappiness and have people around me feel sorry for me because I am alone.

    I hate my parents for being so careless when I was younger, my mum especially she did not even suspect my brother of anything. And eventhough i told her although it was superficial facts she made it stop but now she loves h im and adores him. She takes care of his kids, and him. Why? And why is he happy? Why has allah blessed him with a beautiful wife, and children? why does He hate me so much? I was loyal to Him for most of my life, I was a practising muslim and He knows this then why is He giving me so much pain and making me doubt His existence?

    I just dont know what to do anymore, dying seems like such a sweet way out of all of this.

    • I don't know what to say .

      I have seen people who are horribly bad but still have everything . I have also seen people who are really good but they are the ones who are suffering the most .

      Life is not fair .

    • " Why has allah blessed him with a beautiful wife, and children? why does He hate me so much? I was loyal to Him for most of my life, I was a practising muslim and He knows this then why is He giving me so much pain and making me doubt His existence?"

      'iyâthanbillâh

      'iyâthanbillâh

      'iyâthanbillâh

      Dear brother, i sincerely beg Allâh to remove doubts from all of us and to remove all our difficulties from you and me.

      First of all, Allah did not make this world a permanent world. This is a temporary world and everything here has a time limit. When its times comes it will die, come to an end and finish. Neither the good things of this world are forever, nor the bad things eternal. We are here for a short time and we are being tested. Those who will pass this test will find an eternal world that is perfect and permanent. Those who will fail this test shall see the evil consequences of their sins and corruption.

      Allah has placed a physical law and a moral law in this universe. Allah allows suffering to occur when one or more of these laws are broken. The physical law is based on cause and effect. Sickness comes if one does not take care of one's health or is exposed to infections. A car accident occurs when one is not alert, or drives in a careless manner, or if the cars are not checked, roads and freeways are not made and kept in right shape, or the traffic laws are not right or not properly enforced. Study of causes and effects is very important to facilitate safeguards. Even here we should keep in mind that Allah often saves us and He does not let us suffer from every negligence. How many times it happens that we are not careful and still we reach safely to our destinations. The way people drive in some cities, it is a miracle that more accidents do not happen and more people do not suffer. Allah says:

      “(Allah) Most Gracious! It is He Who has taught the Qur'an. He has created man: He has taught him speech (and Intelligence). The sun and the moon follow courses (exactly) computed; and the herbs and the trees both (alike) bow in adoration. And the Firmament has He raised high, and He has set up the Balance (of Justice), in order that you may not transgress (due) balance. So establish weight with justice and fall not short in the balance. It is He Who has spread out the earth for (His) creatures." (Ar-Rahman:1-10)

      The way we exceed the measures set by Allah and violate His laws of cause and effect is incredible. It is really the mercy of Allah that we are saved. Strictly speaking, the question should not be why does Allah allow suffering, but how much Allah protects us and saves us all the time in spite of our violations and negligence. The Qur'an says:

      “If Allah were to punish people according to what they deserve, He would not leave on the back of the (earth) a single living creature: but He gives them respite for a stated Term: when their Term expires, verily Allah has in His sight all His servants." (Fatir:45)

      But sometimes Allah does punish people because of their violations of His laws whether they are physical or moral. The Qur'an tells us that many nations and communities were destroyed because of their sinful lifestyles:

      “If they treat thy (mission) as false, so did the Peoples before them (with their Prophets), the People of Noah, and Ad and Thamud. Those of Abraham and Lut; and the Companions of the Madyan people; and Moses was rejected (in the same way). But I granted respite to the Unbelievers, and (only) after that did I punish them: but how (terrible) was My rejection (of them)! How many populations have We destroyed, which were given to wrong-doing! They tumbled down on their roofs. And how many wells are lying idle and neglected, and castles lofty and well-built?" (Al-Hajj: 42-45)

      3. Suffering can also be a test and trial for some people. Allah allows some people to suffer in order to test their patience and steadfastness. Even Allah's Prophets and Messengers were made to suffer. Prophet Ayyub (Job) is mentioned in the Qur'an as a Prophet who was very patient.
      Allaah tested him with something much worse than what he is testing us with, his was inflicted by Allah with a horrible skin disease, such that the worms would feed of the pores and spots on his face, and when the worm would fall off, he would pick it back up so it can carry on feading from the puss.
      Then Allah took all of his family as the house collapsed on them, he was then starved.
      So brother, please imagine this great prophet of Allah, inflicted with a horrible skin disease such that you would not be able to look at him except that you turn away, his whole family dead, all of his wealth gone, hungry, this did not put doubts in him about his lord.

      "The prophet[saww] said"The bigger the faith, the bigger the fitnah, thus the prophet face the most difficulty, then those like them then those like them"
      bukhari.
      So you test is as a result of your faith to Allaah, throughtout most of your life as you said, leave your brother to enjoy his world and ask Allah to guide him, because the one who does not worship Allah, every bit of enjoyment he will ever have is given to him in this world, as for the believer, Allaah keeps it for him in the hereafter, and if he is patient, then Allaah will build his future up for him no matter how gloomy it may look.

      So you shouldnt turn on your heelsafter all these years, please dont abandone the prayer as you will become like your brother.
      if there is something which is making you doubt your religion, like friends, tv, websites etc, then you need to avoid and dissocciate from all of the.

      Good people sometimes suffer but their sufferings heal others and bring goodness to their communities. People learn lessons from their good examples. Martyrs die for their faith, soldiers give their lives for their nations and this brings liberation and freedom for their people.

      4. Allah sometimes allows some people to suffer to test others, how they react to them. When you see a person who is sick, poor and needy, then you are tested by Allah. Allah is there with that suffering person to test your charity and your faith. In a very moving Hadith Qudsi (Divine Hadith) the Prophet, peace be upon him, said:

      “Allah will say on the Day of Judgment, ‘O son of Adam, I was sick and you did not visit Me.' He will say, ‘O my Lord, how could I visit You, when you are the Lord of the Worlds.' Allah will say, ‘Did you not know that My servant so-and-so was sick and you did not visit him? Did you not know that if you had visited him, you would have found Me there?' Allah will say, ‘O son of Adam, I asked you for food and you fed Me not.' He shall say, ‘O my Lord, how could I feed you and you are the Lord of the Worlds?' And Allah will say, ‘Did you not know that My servant so-and-so was in need of food and you did not feed him? Did you not know that if you had fed him, you would have found that to have been for Me?' ‘O son of Adam, I asked you for water and you did not give Me to drink.' The man shall say, ‘O my Lord, how could I give You water, when You are the Lord of the Worlds?' Allah will say, ‘My servant so-and-so asked you for water and you did not give him to drink water. Did you not know that if you had given him to drink, you would have found that to have been for Me.' (Muslim, Hadith no. 4661)
      So when Allaah trailsus,then he is waiting for us to supplicate to him
      Prophet 'Isa (Jesus), peace be upon him, is also reported to have said something similar. (See Matthew 25: 35-45)

      So to summarize, we can say that sufferings occur to teach us that we must adhere to Allah's natural and moral laws. It is sometimes to punish those who violate Allah's natural or moral laws. It is to test our faith in Allah and to test our commitment to human values and charity. Whenever we encounter suffering we should ask ourselves, “Have we broken any law of Allah?” Let us study the cause of the problem and use the corrective methods. “Could it be a punishment?” Let us repent and ask forgiveness and reform our ways. “Could it be a test and trial for us?” Let us work hard to pass this test.

      Believers face the sufferings with prayers, repentance and good deeds. The non-believers face the sufferings with doubts and confusions. They blame Allah or make arguments against Him.

    • Salam my Sister,

      Listen well!

      You have already suffered many years at the hands of the shaytaans tricks. He tricked our Father Adam, your brother and now he is tricking you!

      STOP RIGHT NOW!

      You have suffered enough, you have suffered the suffering of those incidents already. They have stopped, but your suffering still continues.

      IF YOU WANT A NEW LIFE. Then leave the suffering behind. Yes its not fair! But what is in this life? You dont have many years remaining in this world. Soon you will return to ALLAH where thigs are FAIR and justice will be done!

      You will live in an eternal paradise with ALLAH and your father ADAM and mother HAWWA.

      You have suffered for those incidents now stop and move on with life!

      Shaytan will cotinue to remind you - but you must block him out he wants you to contiue suffering for something you have already suffered for.

      decide what you want and where you want to be in 5 years time dunya and akhirah

      plan steps on how you get there

      small steps goals for each year

      run towards them - they are for you! and no body else - forget everyone else and dont wait for anyone to help you because you will remain waiting, pick yourself up, and take action, once you have taken the action watch - i promise with good intentions - Allah will not fail you- you will see Allah playing his part in your progress.

      Everyone has moved on from what happened so many years ago and enjoying life, but the sufferer is still suffering!

      thats shaytans way

      make a decision to STOP!

      Say it loud!
      I WILL STOP SUFFEERING FROM TODAY! SHOUT IT OUT!

      MY SUFFERING STOPS TODAY! I SEEK REFUGE FROM THE ACCURSED SHAYTAN! MY SUFFERING STOPS NOW! ALLAH IS GREAT AND HE IS MY PROTECTOR! HAVE A NICE DAY SHAYTAN IM DONE SUFFERING!

      ITS TIME FOR A CHANGE!

      Where do you see yourself in 5 years! Say it! Dont hold back! A new job? A husband? Three kids?

      Whatever you desire! SAY IT! SAY IT! ALLAH WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN! BELIEVE IT! WITH CONVICTION!

      Moses had conviction when he put the staff in - that the stick could indeed part the SEA - he had conviction - conviction is powerful! Belief is powerful! Believe that its possible and it will be a reality - with ALLAHS permission! And wouldnt Allah permit it? Are yo uasking for haram? NO! Well then ALLAH will definityly permit it -

      QUESTION is

      DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE - That ALLAH can make it happen?

  14. In the time of need, you need Allah the most.

    Do not whatever you do turn you back on Allah. Allah is the only source of true, lasting peace.

    Allah does not burden us with more than what we can bear. Others in your position would have already failed miserably. You havent yet! Its evident or else you would have turned to all sorts - youre still seeking advice from your brothers and sisters in islam, so you clearly are still fighting, keep FIGHTING my beloved sister... Allah will open doors for from places you would never have imagined.

    The universe, huge and mighty revolves. Who can make it stop? Allah the almighty all pwerful is the only one that can say to the universe to stop and it will stop dead on its tracks.

    Allah is the one who can replace the sun with the mooon and the moon with sun with a click of a finger!

    Allah can make any worry go away! Allah has abundance with him... it is time for you to be selfish and think of yourself, forget everyone else and guarantee your seat in jannah,

    be selfish and pray for yourself beloved sister.... spend a month, praying every prayer on time properly with proper wudu and completely lt yourself go in deep thought and conversation with Allah asking for what you desire... Allah has so much to give, we just have to ask.

    Allah comes down to the lowest heaven every night on the third part of the night and asks who wants of me... who needs of me.... we are too busy sleeping.

    That is the time to ask... pray isha go straight to sleep wake in the third part of the night, pray and then talk to Allah... Allah is waiting to listen to your call... sit until fajr and talk to Allah. Have a deep conversation to Allah, and keep this between you and your Lord.

    Allah is amazing, I love Allah.

    We must proactive in what we seek of this dunya or akhirah.

    Im fed up of hearing brothers and sisters talking about their misfortune at work or with partners etc when they havent done everyhing possible.

    Allah parted the sea for Moses pbuh and he can do the same for you, but he told Moses pbuh to put his staff into the sea... why... is a stick enough th part the sea..... no of course not.... its because you must tale the first steps to help yourself and you will find that Allah can do anything....

    Alhumdulillah Allah has been kind to me and given me everyhing i could ever waish for... i want more- i will take the steps to get more - and Allah will help me.... but i alwawys ask Allah that he should give me it if its bad for me... sometimes we want something that is bad for us...

    Allah doesnt give it to us, because its bad for us....but we dont realise.

    those who want a wife, i believe have not exhausted all their okptions and until they have i think theyre pl;ain lazy...

    until the have written a message on their shirt saying im looking for a pious muslimah for marriage and walked the earth wearing it - i dont believe they have done enough.... i say- to my friends who are like that - stop sulking and get out there be brave and do what you must - if you dont then the desire to change yo;ur situaion isnt strong enough!

    Sis try Allah for a month like I said, Allah will help you! But you must believe! Try praying on time 5 times a day on time and tahajjud and talk to Allah!

    if you dont then, dont blame my beloved lord for your laziness.

    Muslims are so reactive these days and not pro active and thats why Allah tests us to wake us up!

    He also does it because he loves us and wnts to raise our status.

    LOVE ALLAH AND ALLAH WILL LOVE YOU!

    Say in your private conversations - I LOVE ALLAH! as many times as you can say it unitl you feel it and believe it! keep saying it in your own language!

    tell Allah how much you love him!

    When I remember my love for Allah, my eyes start to swell up automatiacaally

    WALK to ALLAh and ALLAH will RUNS TOWARDS YOU!

    Beloved sister give Allah a try truly let Allah love you.

  15. So touchy that i have tears in my eyes. May Allah swt guide n protect us

  16. Asalaam alaikum,

    Get therapy.

    I'm going to cut right through all of it, because I already recognize your pattern. How so? I read nearly 200 posts from the past year regarding your problems and you are still suffering from the same low self esteem and essentially, the same old problems that are rooted not in marriage proposals, but in some other underlying problems which you allude to here as sexual abuse.

    You will not heal, move on or find your own life devoid of your current perspective until you do. I recommend that you find a Muslim therapist and a specialized alim to help you. It is evident that you cannot incorporate the lengthy advice you have been given in the past, because you do not know how to do it, and you need professional therapy.

    Please seek medical help with your ongoing problems by making an appointment to talk to a psychologist and an alim this week. It is evident by the last two paragraphs of your initial posts and your follow-ups that you have not taken your mental health seriously for quite some time.

  17. Professor X
    Your right, this issue of low self esteem and lack of confidence has developed and progressively become worse over the last year or so. Yes everything that happened during childhood is a major contributing factor but I had moved on from it, and was living my life. Its only when things went wrong with my ex, and then everything after that that old memories are coming back and I am feeling sick now and cant go back to my baseline. Believe it or not, before all of this happened I was normal and genuinely happy and making others happy, people have seen and commented on the change in me.

    I acknowledge I need professional help but I dont know where to seek it, and I cant face seeing anyone face to face. I could do with family support but if I ever let my emotional guard down in front of my parents they cant handle it and become depressed too, and then angry with me for feeling the way that I do. I try to stay as normal as possible with my friends because I know that no one likes the company of a depressed person, and to be honest they help me forget whats on my mind and I become momentarily happy. Recently I cant face doing my prayers either its wrong I know but I just dont have the energy or motivation anymore.

    I feel stuck, I really do and hence why I keep embarassing myself by turning to this site.

    I really dont know how to handle myself anymore.

    • As salamu alaykum,

      I believe in the power of prayer and you awake the attention of many in this site, that is why you keep coming here, because it is giving you comfort, people listens to all that you cannot say to anyone and that is a relief at least for a while.

      I do believe too that you need medical help to get out of the hole and I understand that due to your own proffesional skills, it is being hard to find someone that suits you, but again I do believe in the power of prayer, then I suggest that everyone that reads this makes a prayer for you if they find it right, this way, insha´Allah you will have the energy to be able to find the appropiate help you need to recover your true innerbeing.

      Make an effort with all of us and come back to your prayers, we don´t know you personally but we care about you, please, try your prayers.

      May Allah(swt) guide and help you to find what you need to overcome this test. Ameen.

      Wasalam,
      María
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Salaam Sister

      Please dont feel you are embarassing yourself, it is your right to express yourself, get rid of the apologetic tone.

      You are an intelligent person for coming on to this site, your wise enough to realise that you do not have all the answers and your consulting your brothers and sisters in Islam.

      You may not feel like it but you are progressing... your halfway there by acknowledging your feelings, try to accept your feelings and do not feel embarrased.

      Inshallah your ship will sail in but only when the waters are calm and you are comfortable enough to accept and deal with these feelings.

    • Sister,

      Please do not feel embarrased for seeking help. If you seeking help, thats a good thing. It means that you acknowledge there is a problem and you want to do something about it.

      You said you don't want face to face therapy, but I do believe that would be best for you. Families can only give support to an extent as they are too deeply involved. Its unfair to expect the therapy to come from there. A therapist will be detached from your situation, hence it will be easier for him/her to help you.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Asalaam alaikum Sister,

      I apologize for the late response, but I am in less contact these days. Anyhow, in reading your replies further, what I see is a woman who is calling out for help, but is muffling her own voice. This is also related to your parental relationships, because you never told your mother the "whole" truth and perhaps in the future, a counselor will suggest for you to do so, unedited and candid. This is the main reason why your relationship has broken down with them, as there exists a resentment between the both of you.

      It's important to note that you use the word "embarrassing, which is defined as:

      em·bar·rass
      1. To cause to feel self-conscious or ill at ease; disconcert
      2. To involve in or hamper with financial difficulties.
      3. To hinder with obstacles or difficulties; impede.
      4. To complicate.
      5. To interfere with (a bodily function) or impede the function of (a body part).

      You'll notice that I emphasize the last 3 descriptions and this is why: your fear of confrontation of your past is causing you to impede you own self development as a human being, a woman and as Allah's (swt) servant. The embarrassment not the reason, but is a symptom of your fear as you are still "covering" the truth for the benefit of other people while harming yourself. You need to protect your own heart and mind, instead.

      I know that one sister suggested for you to not dwell on the past, but it is evident that being unable to confront it and deal with it in complete honesty is what is hurting you. You've had to cover the truth of what happened because you were worried for your mother, you didn't want to hurt your brother, etc., etc. and furthermore, I suspect that this was the reason why your former fiancee was able to manipulate you into a physical relationship and how it ended. Unable to understand what a physical and sexual relationship should be maybe due to your past abuse. Dealing with the past in this sense, will help you to form a healthy future. I believe the latter resolution would also prevent you from riding the emotional roller coaster that is hurting you spiritually, as well.

      In light of the religious aspect, I would encourage you to stay away from entertaining proposals for right now, because it is detrimental to your well being, especially when they turn out negatively for you. Work on your relationship with Allah (swt) first and allow yourself to fall in love with the Greatest Love and then, you can worry about the love found in marriage. Surely when we learn to love Him, we learn how to be greater loving spouses.

      Concerning finding a face to face therapist: do not be afraid to find one in another city if that would be more comfortable for you. With your country's transit system , this worry need not to be so. And perhaps you would only see them 1 or 2 a week, so Insha'allah, this will be possible for you.

      However, I think that your delay in finding real world help is primarily because you are afraid, to some extent, to confront your past. This fact is the basis to most, if not all, of your problems. This is why I stress for you to find a close Islamic guide. It is up to you to decide whether to share with them everything, but they could help you with the spiritual trials better. They could even lead you in prayers and make it easier on you for now. In fact, finding a trustworthy imam, alim or even a good friend who can lead you in prayers would be one of the best things for you. Just make your intention sincere and follow them. Whether your spiritual confidant and prayer leader are the same or not, is up to you.

      As Sister Maria suggested, prayer is powerful, but I think you also need a female prayer partner, too. Someone elder and trustworthy, who you can just pray with. Ask her to read emotional duas and just close your eyes, sitting before Allah (swt) and listen to what she is saying while searching your own feelings. It may be difficult to find closeness or emotion the first few times, but keep at it. A good prayer partner will help you tremendously.

      If I said anything out of order, please forgive me, Insha'allah.

  18. Sister Z,
    I really cant deal with a face to face therapist, and I often deal closely with them due to the nature of my job so if I was to ever bump into them professionally later on in life it would really effect my self esteem once again. I have hidden away my unhappiness from my family and friends they no longer know the emotions I am going through but it is getting difficult day by day to deal with it all on my own. I am trying to find online counselling, and perhaps over the telephone at least to begin with. I know I need help, I cant go on like this any longer or I will certianly end up alone.
    If I feel ready and it is still necessary I will approach a counseller face to face, but at the moment I cant do it - I feel very anxious about approaching a stranger to discuss everything with.

    Oh please make dua to Allah to get me out of this, I really want to be happy again.

    • I guess thats ok Sis. There are many on line counselling services too, but do make use of them. Do you mind if I ask if you live in the UK? As if you, I can give you details of some such services inshaAllah.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  19. Sister Z, yes I do live in the UK.

    • Ok, thats good, as there are alhumdulillah alot of services available for you in the UK. I'm not home at the moment, but check here later this evening inshaAllah and I will refer you to a range of counselling services.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  20. Dear Confusedpuzzle

    First of all STOP dwelling on the past the sooner you let t go now the better for you. Your kismet wasn't with you at that time and it was meant to be or written I believe it was a test from allah. Just remember not all humans appreciate humans we all have to learn from somewhere life is an experience. Don't talk about it, don't go on about it because the more you go on, you wont see your happiness or move on it will always be a barrier turning into negative destroying every part of you including whats around you.

    Dear sister my strong advise to you is find a hobby you like, keep yourself busy and strong imaan towards allah and read Ayatul Kursi inshallah you will be fine. One thing remember you are not alone here there are a lot of sisters in the same boat as you waiting including brothers and not all get it right first time around, allah has put us all individuals on a mission/test and it is up to us has humans which path we choose and I pray all sisters/brother still waiting to get married inshallah find good husband/wife. I seriously understand and get the pain has i too am in the same boat but realized what will be will be inshallah all for the better.

    • as for you hiding your emotions i to do the same thing myself why because no friend is a friend i learnt to trust and believe in myself and that did take up to a year due to people abusing my trust. my confidence was so low, then i found focus and a balance in between. You can do this too you see how good progress you make once you start believing in you. You are lacking motivation and guidance and i believe it is because you haven't fully put the closure behind you , once you do this then you can rebuild or life and move on.

  21. Jazakallah sister Z Im looking forward to your message and thank you all else as well.

    My parents are good, but they burden me so much with their own emotions which again my mum has done today - she wont let me open up to her and calls me mental because Im not happy and unknowingly makes me feel guilty for feeling the way that I do. She wants me to be happy all the time and keep her and my dad happy too, which I am trying to do but I am not the way I used to be and she just doesnt understand that.

    Honestly, I really dont know why Allah has put me into this world, I reallywish I was dead long before all of this.

    Sister Z I am awaiting your response, and inshaAllah am doing my own research too. I hate having to come on here to release my emotions, I want to live my life happily even if it is alone.

    • Sister,

      Instead of me giving you several different services to contact, I will recommend the one for now: http://nour-dv.org.uk/

      Would you feel better if I emailed you?

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • salaam sister Z,
        I have had a look at the link that you kindly sent me but it appears to be for those who are suffering from domestive violence?

        • They help with empowering women. They also help women of sexual abuse, domestic violence and other issues. Sis, won't know what help someone can offer you till you stop refusing the help.

          If you contact the on the email provided, and explain your situation, including the sexual abuse, you will be given priority inshAllah. Take this step sister.

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Ok inshaAllah I will do 🙂 Jzk, pls make lots and lots of duas for me.

          • Good Girl, Sis. You're taking a very brave and positive step forward. These counsellors are very professional and will respect your confidentiality. Now put your trust in Allah my girl. Let me know if you need any help with anything.

            SisterZ
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • As salamu alaykum,

            Just one advice, to keep your intimacy, create an account just to contact them, this way nobody will know who you are.

            Insha´Allah, you are in my prayers too. Thanks to all that have cared about you and have had a prayer or a thought of love and compassion for you. May Allah(swt) bless the soft hearts of all, brothers and sisters that have time for the others despite their own sorrows, Alhamdulillah. Ameen.

            All my love my beloved sister,
            María
            IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  22. Here are some sites which may give you some ways by which you can achieve peace of mind .

    These are non-muslim sites so every advice on these sites might not be relevant to us(muslims) . Although most of them are.

    1. http://j.gs/cnv

    2. http://j.gs/cnw

    3 . http://j.gs/cnx

    4. http://j.gs/cny

  23. Jzk for the advice sis Maria have taken it all on board am already feeling positive.

  24. Please make dua for me, please. I dont know what to do anymore. People keep asking for my hand in marriage, hey chase after me, and once they have me interested they leave and for no good reason. It has happened yet again! I cant function in life anymore I honestly cant, I am broken completely broken now. It has been one rejection after another and for no good reason. Is this some kind of black magic, evil eye, or am I just cursed? Whats happening to me and my life? PLEASE SOMEONE PLEASE DO SINCERE DUA FOR ME, COUNSELLNG OR NO COUNSELLING I CANT DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE. Please Allah answer my prayers, please.

    • Sister,

      If you do not mind, can you break down one of these 'experiences' and explain to us exactly what happened from beginning to end. It is possible that you may be doing something negative or there may be warning bells that you are not noticing.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • This is odd . With all due respect , but I think something is going on , your side which is probably scaring those potentials off.

  25. Dearest and dearest Confuzedpuzzel,

    Please have some sabr... patience....

    Everything that happens in life happens according to the Will and Decree of Allah.
    The pleasures and unpleasures of this life, no matter how great, are as nothing in comparison to the reward that Allah (swt) has prepared for the believing Muslims who are content with what Allah has given them.

    Therefore, please be patient... Sister, we are both same age and I am also not married and yes, I do feel I should be married by now but why marry or rush into things which may end up bad.... Marriage is not one day's committment... marriage life requires a lot more patience than non-marriage life... Be content with your blessings... Be happy that you have Islam in your life, thank Allah (swt) that He guided you to straight path... Sister please strengthen your taqwa towards Allah (swt)... I say to myself, if marriage is mean to be in my fate then it will happen, this does not mean we should not strive for it, it means strive- seek for potentials and allow potentials to seek you and if it happens then it happened based on our choices we make and Allah (swt) had written that in our kismat/ fate...and if it doesn't then that too is from Allah (swt)...

    Sister, please be content with your blessings and patient with your challenges and Alhamdulillah there is more to life than just marriage xxxx

    May Allah (swt) bless you with a nice and caring brother, inshaAllah

    your sister parveen.
    Ps. Take care of yourself xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx and more xxxxxxxxxxx

  26. Ok, I will break it down to you.

    The most recent one was a guy who had been introduced to me at a wedding about 1 and a half years ago. We were both looking to get married, and we both spoke briefly but I never heard from him again. Just two weeks ago, his mum called mine out of the blue as he had remembered me from the wedding over that entire time period. Our parents were happy for us to speak on the phone, and so we did just last week. When I spoke with him, he told he had asked his mum to call mine when we first met as he really liked me, but decided not to as he was not religiously inclined and his mum advised him to develop his relationship to Allah before approaching me. He did this, and when we started talking he was praying and said he was trying to strengthen his faith. Everything seemed to go really well, we got on well over a week or so, and the interest was from him. And I was finally happy, and kindof back to my baseline as I finally truely from the bottom of my heart felt he was the right guy for me. We got on very very well and thought we would meet up with families etc. Then, I saw some pictures of him on facebook where he was drinking alcholol. I approached him about this, sensitively and he told me he had drunk alcohol and committed many other sins. But despite this I felt content with him and told him that I was happy to pursue things further, as I now knew he was makign efforts to change himself and I would help him do that. So he carried on communicating but I could sense he was doing it very reluctantly. And this whole change took place over night...one day he was excited about talking to me, the next, he was the complete opposite and avoided calling me. I didnt say anything, until I had to ask him if he had changed his mind. It was as though he felt relieved to tell me that he had, that we were not compatible due to his past and that I would not be able to accept it. I told him clearly and from the bottom of my heart that I accept him and his past, everyone makes mistakes, and that it is best to focus on the future. But he had made a firm decision and thats it, just like that litereally overnight without even meeting me he ended communication with me. I felt really upset...and am completely broken now...I cant function anymore, this is ridiculous. I wish you guys could meet me, because despite everything that I have expressed on here you would be able to see that I am a normal nice sociable person but when I face constant disappointments I cant deal with it anymore, and break down. I just dont know whats happening with me. I really dont.

  27. Its just that he changed in an instant...straight after the whole drinking alcohol thing came into the picture. I just dont understand why things work out for me at the beginning and the guys are very keen, and then just when things are about to progress to the next level they leave me and want to stay friends with me, which tells me that they do like me but dont want to marry me. I dont get it. What is happening, honestly I am scared about how my life is spiralling out of control, this is abnormal.

    • Sister,

      If I was speaking to a potential for marriage and saw pictures of him drinking alcohol, the first question to come to my mind would be: 'If he claims to have changed, why is he displaying images of himself drinking alcohol? Surely he would feel ashamed of his past and hence hide it.'

      If this guy had truly turned a new leaf, he would have removed his 'alcohol drinking pictures' from facebook. That was a major warning sign for you dear sister and you failed to give zero importance.

      If it is in fact a good practising husband that you want, then say Alhumdulillah that Allah removed this guy from your life. And at the same time, start giving yourself some importance and respect - you have standards and principles, right? Well its time to draw up a list and then stick to them. So next time you see such a vital warning sign, you keep your eyes open and make an informed decision to move away from that potential.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Yes thats true and I did advise him to remove those pictures and start fresh, I guess thats when he lost interest in me because he was still attached to his past, but if he genuinely cared he could have let me help him change for the better as his wife - that is the whole point of marriage right? Your spouse helps you become a better person and vice versa. Anyway, it just keeps happening over and over again, and good guys, well I assume they are decent just disappear with no good reason and to be honest deep down I know its not me, its them. But its just happened so many times now that I am just beginning to wonder why? And also why does Allah keep placing these people in my life and raising my hopes if each expereince will end badly and I will feel repeatedly hurt, its damaging my self esteem immensely. Seriously I am just scared that I have been cursed by someone, or there is some kind of black magic happening or something abnormal because its just not normal to have this many bad experiences. I am 27 now, not getting any younger and to be honest I dont want to delay matters any further but I am tired of trying to be patient. I hate nagging about all this, but it really brings me down and I think I have reached my limit I wont be able to handle the next disappointment that will be breaking point for me.

        • ConfusedPuzzle,

          Do you know many muslim sisters? If so, you will know many sisters your age and older have been through difficult experiences while spouse searching. You are not the only one.

          SisterZ
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

          • Asalaam alaikum Sister ConfusedPuzzle,

            I apologize if this is harsh, but it seems that you absolutely refuse to do anything about your situation besides to repeat it. You also have not tried any professional counseling for any serious period of time, yet you dismiss it outright. Possibly because of that, you keep falling into the same patterns and you are still wondering why, though it seems quite evident by reading your new comment that you are not having anything to complain about since Allah (swt) took a questionable man out of your life. So, you must ask yourself, why are you investing so much in a person you barely knew?

            Between the time you posted this post and your last comment, you did exactly what you should have not have done: talk to another man about marriage before addressing your issues. Most counselors I know of would have not recommended any new relationship, as it can be detrimental to self-building, if you are not emotionally sound. This is easily realized by asking the question: in between the time you created this original post and your comment today, how serious could speaking to this new man really have gotten, as to make you so desperate? If I am being honest, you are making this pursuit of marriage your god and that is the biggest problem you are facing right now.

            Several people have recommended in the past and through this post, including me, that you stop any actions that are hurting your faith, so that you may strengthen your relationship with Allah (swt), first. Why is this vital?

            It’s vital because here you are, once again, valuing the potential love of a man before the love of Allah (swt). You are preferring a ‘maybe’ versus a sure thing, i.e. Allah’s (swt) Love. In counseling, they will tell you that you are valuing an unknown person and an unknown possible imaginary marriage before yourself. From one possible marriage partner to the next, you are like a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn‘t there. In your case, while looking for a husband, you have sacrificed the perfect Love that only a close relationship with Allah (swt) can fulfill.

            For instance, if you had pursued this Divine Love in your heart during this time, you would be like the true spiritual wayfarer and lover of Allah (swt) who says, “Alhamdulillah,” for even the hardships and disappointments of life because she knows that it is only a means to bring her closer to Allah (swt). Thereby, it molds her into the perfect being of receiving love from the Radiant Source of Love, Allah (swt).

            After a year of hardship, which honestly is becoming more self destructive, are you really any further ahead by just relying on your own repeatedly failed actions? Are you finally ready to take the advice you have been given so that you may implement it? Or will you remain stuck in your constant self loathing and deny your problems eternally?

            You have the power to change your situation and that’s by admitting you have a deeper problem that only counseling and Allah Almighty (swt) can help you with. Until you finally recognize this fact, you will keep finding yourself in the same scenario over and over again.

            If there is anything we should pray for, is that you finally acknowledge this reality and the greatest reality of all, Allah (swt).

            I know this may sound like I’m being hard on you, but I want you and everyone else to read this excerpt from a post you made several months ago about a similar proposal that fell through for you at the time:

            Now, with everything that has happened, I really can't bear it anymore, I really need Allah to just right now right here give me what I want, without any waits. I feel like Allah has removed His mercy from me. I am leading a double life, with my family on one side seeing me 'happy' and then when I am alone, where I will lose my sanity. I feel so trapped and unwanted. I NEED HELP, please do dua for me I swear on my life I cannot take any more disappointments, I just can't do it.

            http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/i-cant-move-on-and-feel-close-to-losing-sanity/comment-page-1/#comment-32528

            Seriously ponder over this reality that you refuse to see. Back then, Br.Wael told you to “wake up” in his response. It’s clear that you have refused to do so, till this very day.

            My dear Sister, you have suffered abuse, psychologically and emotionally. I want you to know that in your time of previous happiness, it was just a time of illusion. What happened instead, is that you buried it so deep down, that it became dormant, till you started to engage in wanting relationships with men. Now that you have, these dormant problem has arisen in exactly the fashion that is does for many victims of abuse: in their potentially romantic and sexual lives they seek a misguided emotional attachment to ANY man that comes their way with the slightest attention to matter the intention. You cannot avoid your past, hide from it or wish it away. Please get therapy.

            May Allah (swt) guide you to seeing the truth you have chosen to ignore.

  28. I sincerelly agree with sister Z. And also we cant all pretend to know what you ar going tru for only you knows how tight the shoes are.
    People have different stories as to disappointment and each is unique. But it all depends on how we choose to handle it.
    You know marriage is devine and its not your strength, beauty, intelligengence, wealth, piety dat is a pass mark for marriage but rather what Allah swt deems fit.
    This guy dat never worked out dont you upon second thought know that Allah st loves you very much thats why it turned out so.
    my sister keep to prayers and read islamic materials. Do some charity work and insha Allah you would be fine.

  29. Bismillah Ir-Rahman Ir-Rahim,

    Assalamu Alaikum Sister ConfusedPuzzled,

    Please also excuse me if I sound harsh, but you need to get a hold of yourself. It's like you are in a deep, dark hole and a bunch of people are sending you ropes and ladders to get you out......in fact, some people have even gone in to take you out, and you are just refusing. I know it's hard to change yourself, but if you want your life to change, then you must change yourself......you cannot change the World.

    Open your eyes.......Allah (swt) is giving you a wake up call.....do not ignore it. Do you honestly want to be married to someone who is not right for you? Do you really believe that getting married will magically solve all your problems and make your happy? This is quite frankly a delusion and I completely agree with Br. Prof X, you must first go through a process of self development. Going into a marriage at this time, would be highly unadvisable. It is clear that you, just like almost everyone of us, have issues that you need to take care of immediately. Why involve another person in your life, when you cannot even seem to handle it yourself. Do you not think that it would be better if you focused on yourself, focused on dealing with your issues and loving yourself. How can you expect someone else to love you, if you don't love yourself? How can you expect to give love to someone else if you don't love yourself? Do you want to have a successful marriage, that you have to have patience and struggle for? Or do you want an unsuccessful marriage, that comes easily? Personally, I believe that people do not appreciate or take care of the things that comes easily. Stop drowning yourself in your own self pity, for your own sake. People can actually sense our low self esteem and negative energies - these things tend to push people away from us, not bring them closer.

    More important than what I have already written above, is the lack of trust that you seem to have in YOUR Lord! Seriously, where is your trust in Allah? I understand how hard it is to truly put your trust in Allah, but do you honestly believe that you know better than Allah? Do you honestly believe that Allah's plan is unjust? Have you not yet seen or experienced the infinite wisdom of Allah's plan? He knows us, He created us, He even knows exactly what is going to happen......so, why is it so difficult to accept that His decree is far (infinitely) better than anything you could choose or decide for yourself?

    So much time has gone by since you first wrote this post and it seems like you could receive 60 comments from people trying to help you and you refuse. You are the only one that could change you, with the help of Allah (swt). Sister, think about Akhira......do you want to spend eternity in a situation that would be unimaginably worse that what you are going through now? Imagine being tortured in your grave....imagine the various punishments on the Day of Judgement (which is 50000 years long).....imagine being in the hellfire for eternity! Do not let the Shaitaans control you, you must control your own life. Do not ignore the signs of Allah.

    So, please sister, take the ladder or the rope or the hand, and get yourself out of the deep, dark hole that you're in. Just read all of these comments again and see how many bros and sis you have here, how much support you have. And most of all, learn to love Allah, learn to trust Allah and learn to fear Allah.

    I apologize for being direct and borderline mean, but I think you need to wake up to reality. And this life in duniya is NOT reality, Akhira is reality........live for Akhira and fulfill your duty and be a slave to Allah.

    Salaams,
    Sid.

  30. Yes I agree with what you are all saying, but one key element is that these guys chase after me initially to the point where they keep telling their mums to call my parents to let things progress!! Once I agree to meet them or even talk to them they suddenly change their mind even if no conversation has been held up to the point of meeting. I promise that I dont do anything to provoke this reaction in them, I just feel cursed. I feel like a toy for these guys, they have no regards for my feelings and to be quite frank nor do I anymore. Each expereince has chipped away at my self esteem and left me feeling pathetic, probably for good. I am just confused at how one person can have such bad luck in something that they so wanted and had pure intentions for. It has now come to the point where I actually ask these guys why they have rejected me (even before meeting or having a decent conversation with me!), so perhaps I can improve myself in someway? I dont even want to write on this site anymore, there is no point because I feel like I am making a constant fool of myself and annoying everyone. I really hope I leave this world soon, I just want peace.

    • Sis,

      Instead of living for 'marriage', just 'learn to live'. Focus on 'you', find your 'identity'. What is that you enjoy? Do those things you enjoy, develop your skills, improve your relations with Allah. And when your time for marriage is ready, it will happen insha'Allah. Also, try to see your experiences in a more positive light instead of so much doom and gloom. We all face strings of dissapointments sometimes, but the Muslim way is to console oneself by remembering that there is Allah's Wisdom behind it.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  31. Allah (swt) will give you a husband when you are ready inshallah not when you think your ready. Marrying now may cause you more harm than good. God forbid you marry an abusive man, how would you cope in your fragile state? You need to develop unconditional love for your Lord and yourself.

    YOU should have been the one to refuse this brother based on those photographs. Or at least explained to him that you would like to take 6 mnths to think about what has happened and he will have to prove himself if really has changed his ways. The brother would have thought wow this girl has principles and dignity I better work hard to keep this one.

    I dont mean to be harsh, but maybe the brother lost respect for you and thought she is compromising her principles by accepting me as I am and she is supposed to be islamic - she must be desperate to marry anyone, this is not attractive. You must have realised that those pics by keeping them on his profile means he is not a reformed character.

    Please think of yourself as the butterfly and the man to be future husband inshallah in the story below:
    A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no further.

    Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.

    But it had a swollen body and small, shrivelled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

    Neither happened!

    In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shrivelled wings.

    It was never able to fly.

    What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were ALLAH’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

    Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If ALLAH allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. And we could never fly.

  32. Also sister when you say you want to leave this world soon then that is the mark of a true believer... if you are anxious to meet your Lord and know that this world is a prison for believers....I sometimes wish the same for myself in happy moments as I cant wait to meet my Lord but I must earn it first. What answer will you give your rabb when you meet him? What will you say? Thanks for sending all the dudd rishtay my way??? Is that what your gonna say??

    Those rishtay have a right to refuse you sister in the early stages there is no injustice, YOU also have the right to refuse a rishtah, recognise your self worth! At least they dont string you along. See this as a learning process by interacting with families your learing about yourself too and what would work for you in a spouse.

    Be grateful that you have interested parties, this is a blessing in its self, dont mistake it as an invaluable commodity.

    Finally sister I will leave you with a quote that touches my heart and I hope it has an impact on you too inshallah:

    I got to know my Lord through the cancellation of my plans.

  33. This post is now closed. To all those who provided good advice, Jazakum Allah khayr, may Allah reward you.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor