Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Normal or not?

Muslim woman in hijab

Assallamu Aleikum Warahmatullah,

I kindly need help with my current situation.

I am currently married to my husband for almost 5 years and we have two beautiful daughters. We got married just less than a year after knowing each other through mutual friends. Apparently I am a second wife and my husband told me about his wife the first time we met and since I wasn’t sure I wanted to be a second wife he told me he wanted to marry a second wife due to some issues with his first wife such as she didn’t want to give him more kids (they have 2), also the wife did not at most time respect him and he wasn’t happy but divorce was not a solution for him. I did not hesistate and accepted his proposal. At first due to his relationship issues he found comfort with things that were against the religion (drinking, zinaa, never prayed etc). I therefore said he had to stop such practices and Alhamdulillah he is now in a good place ( never misses his salaat and stopped all actions that are haraam. We got married and did not tell his wife until after few months she found out and demanded for a divorce. They divorced until after 2 years they got back together which at first he did not tell me. I was not angry as I knew she was the first wife and I respected her.

However, 3 months ago he traveled to Africa and got married to another woman (3rd wife). He did not tell me and when I asked he first denied and then said the truth. I felt really betrayed because what he was missing from his wife I by all means did my best to give him. I respected him, loved him dearly, trusted him and most of all gave him children at the time when he really wanted.

However, he cried and begged me to forgive him and said that he regretted whatever he did but he only did it because he did not want to commit zinna and he said that he loves me dearly as I was the reason for him to be a better muslim than he was, and even the 3rd wife knows that for their marriage to work she needs to respect me.

At one point I asked for divorce and told him to choose between the 2 us which at first he was reluctant not to leave either of us and then said he was ready to divorce the 3 rd wife and I should just hive him time to talk to her as he couldn’t bear to live without me. I then realised what I did was wrong and told him not to divorce her however he should just be fair with all of us. He was happy and made dua for me telling me even if he shall die he is happy with me.

Problem is that although i changed my mind about him divorcing the 3rd wife I am really dying inside and I cannot take to know that he has another wife. Its really painful to take it in and some days am ok some days am not. I don’t show it to him although am very bitter about it. He has now travelled again to see the 3rd wife and I just cant stop crying and regretting the decision I made. Is this normal? What can I do? Just few weeks ago when I had a really bad day I just told him to leave me as I cannot take it he said if I need to do it (talaaq) myself to follow the procedure as he is not going to and he can’t also divorce the 3rd wife because its too late now as he has rented and furnished a flat for her.

I just don’t know what to do.

Please kind advice is needed as I am at my breaking point?

 

shukran

OumMaryam

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12 Responses »

  1. You are such a great person sister. By making him a better Muslim .you are the person he needed . As of your marriage. You accepted being the second wife or the other wife . If his treating them fair and has the money. There is no situation off letting one . If his traveling sometimes to see her be okey with it since he lives permanent with you 2 . Please do other hobbies or things you like while his away. Things you don’t have time doing it when his home . May Allah bless your soul

  2. You're quite the hypocrite, aren't you? You had no problem with your husband's lying and deceiving behaviour when YOU were the one who benefited from it (getting married to the man you want). Hell, you even agreed to go along with the deception by allowing yourself to get married in secret, behind his wife's back. Where's your self respect, girl?!
    Anyway, now that another woman is doing the exact same thing to you, that you did to your husband's first wife (getting married to her husband behind her back), you cry, complain and feel sorry for yourself. Sorry, but I don't really feel sorry for you.

    I also don't understand why you are surprised by your husband's behaviour. He lied to his first wife about you, so why wouldn't he lie to you about his 3rd wife? What makes YOU so much more special than his first wife that he should feel like you are deserving of the truth, but his first wife only deserves his lies?

    Your husband sounds like a player, and a man who's never going to be satisfied with the amount of women he has in his life. As you say yourself, you take care of his needs, yet he still feels unsatisfied and seeks out other women. So how many wives does he need before he'll feel satisfied? When is enough enough? Only God knows. Just mark my works: This man will not think twice, or feel bad, about divorcing you when you are 50 and "over the hill" so he can marry a 22 year old.

    I don't know, you have to ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with a man you can't trust, that doesn't respect you, and manipulates you with his fake crocodile tears.

    • I have to agree with this sister. This man is only doing to to you, what he did to his first wife, in most cases, history/actions repeats itself, unless one has the clear intention to change. This is how the first wife must of felt when she found out the man who was her husband, whom she loved, gave her life and two children too went behind her back and remarried. He then put her through the pain of divorce to be with you and play happy families. he then went back to her, and must of cried/begged her, telling her the same words as he told you and took her back. this man has no objections lying, cheating, and then thinking of consequences after. praying is not just about action but should reflect life and this man is not an honest,caring husband.

      • I am surprised ,How come this guy is getting new brides so easily ?

        • That's a good question. I'm always appalled at how LOW people's standards are these days. I don't understand why. It's not like people are a rare commodity. There are literally billions of us in this world.

  3. Perfect Reply Lindita. I second every single sentence that you have wrote. Upto the point honest and practical.

    • yeah she is much experienced in this field 😀

      • Sugar Monroe,
        Please refrain from making false and deceptive claims about my personal life. You don't know anything about me, and I have no idea who on Earth you are. That leaves you in no position to talk about what I'm experienced in. Please remember gossiping and spreading lies about a person is a haram practice.

        Seriously, get a damn life, you are acting like such a pathetic loser on this site. It's at least the third time you have stalked my posts just to express your petty offended feelings from things I have written, adressed to OTHER people. Seriously, why do you feel so targeted by the advice I give to other people? Are you that miserable in your own life that I hit a nerve, or something?

  4. Pay close attention to Lindita's response. And then, as the lady in the movie says, Run. Your husband is a polygyny player or a Muslim Mischief-maker. This is your turn. Now, maybe you can see what you signed up for. Leave your so-called husband/player/adulterer/liar for his next victim, I mean wife. Get your paperwork and financials organized so you can make sure you have some kind of settlement and move on. Next time, don't fall for the "my wife does not understand me" foolishness. Just imagine what he said about you to wife #3 and wife #1 when they got back together -- or if they were even ever divorced. Steer clear of men who have wives.

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