Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Not attracted to fiancee…

wife unhappy husband

Hello brother and sisters, I have an issue I need advice about. My family has tried to get me married for a long time, first time I was 21 and I simply told them no I dont want to get married. However the years went and they still put pressure on me and at age 26 they said I am getting old and need to find someone. They said they had found a nice girl (older than me 30) she was well educated and had a nice job and family, I met her once and didn't really find her attractive however I was put under a lot of pressure ( I have a very big Pakistani family) they told me I would never find a girl who has a better job (she is a doctor) and that I would like her after marriage. And that I should be greatfull since I don't have higher education. So I reluctantly agreed. However I began talking to her and she is very kind and sweet, the only problem is that I do not find her attractive at all. Whenever she sends photos of herself and ask if she looks good I just lie and say yes. We are also set to marry in 3 months, since her family wants the wedding as soon as possible. Now I am in this situation where if I cancel it will put a lot of shame on my family (Pakistani community is very toxic) and hurt the girl badly. But if I go trough with it I will maybe be miserable forever. Am I overreacting and looks don't matter? I really need some input on this.

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7 Responses »

  1. Run ........ Let them report you missing for the next 10 years, after all Pakistani parents are selfish only think about themselves and the wider community, sod what their own children feel/want from life, they are so unsupportive.

    ***this is exactly what I did, but not for 10 years, more like 2 weeks, but I refused to come home, rented a flat elsewhere and now been married to my husband of 16 years. Others may say your disrespecting your parents, but remember why marry a lady and treat her unfairly and unjust and be full if resentment after all you have to answer to your creator on the day of judgment. Make your choices good.

    • Salam. If you are the same lady bird that commented on another post telling a sister to stay in an abusive relationship and be patient,. I find it highly hypocritical. You left from your parents because they were trying to get you married, yet you told someone to stay in an abusive unhealthy relationship?

  2. I agree completely with Lady Bird. Your parents do not have the right to force of shame (same thing) into a marriage. However, many parents from those cultures practice tradition and culture, instead of righteousness. It seem as if your parents are more into the status of the young lady more than anything. It wouldn't be right for you to marry her because you don't find her attractive and, thus, don't appreciate her. If you marry her, you'll both be unhappy and maybe even get divorced anyway. The choice is yours, not your parents'.

    Looks don't account for everything, but if you don't find her attractive, you'll have a hard time being committed to her, and that won't make for a happy marriage. You sound like a decent man, and for that you ought to get what you want. After all, the lousy guys get what they want in women, so why shouldn't you if you are a righteous man? Hold out for what you want, and do not let your parents determine what you do with your life. You are not disrepecting them by making a decision that's yours to make in the first place. Forced marriage is a sin and violation of your rights.

  3. I am sure she's very nice and even beautiful (to others), but please DO NOT marry her and ruin her life.

    Be strong and break off the engagement. Pakistani society is un-Islamic, poisonous and they love worshiping the Hindu culture. Do not listen to them.

    I believe you will hurt the girl MORE if you marry her, and you wouldn't be able to truly love her. But please be gentle with her while breaking it off.

  4. Dear Brother:

    Ladybird, Lamar and WarGlaives, along with myself agree that you should not marry the doctor. I would suggest that you find a way to end your engagement as gracefully as possible. You do have three months, which is not a very long time, so find a way to end the engagement as soon as possible.

    Be prepared to deal with the fall out as a result of your actions. But that will also pass, especially since you have done nothing wrong.

    It is one thing for parents to be involved in the courtship and marriage process, but it is another to insist their son or daughter marry someone they are not attracted to. That is a fitnah waiting to happen. It is like a prison sentence. It could also lead to divorce, or in the case like yours, a man getting a second wife for obvious reasons or other even worse results. There is a hadith where a very very young woman was married to a man. She had very little or no experience being around men. When her husband came home one day with his friends, she decided in comparison to his friends, she was not attracted to her husband. As a result, she asked for and was granted a divorce. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have "chemistry" and an attraction to the person you are expected to live with for decades. Your parents are being very unfair to you and wrong to expect you to marry someone because of their good position. Most parents who help find their children a spouse should know to ask what type of man/woman their son or daughter is attracted to and when they meet to respect their child's preference. That is very important to a marriage being successful. If you do not like someone's appearance, it is not likely you will eventually love them.

    It might be a good idea to meet with your fiancee once more just to be sure that your feelings are certain. Make sure you are sure about the lack of attraction and not the age difference you mentioned or the difference in careers. Sometimes we hold back our feelings because of other matters and make excuses because of our own hidden fears or concerns. She sounds like a very nice woman and I wish the best for her. I do not want to see her get her feelings hurt. and I am certain you feel the same way. You sound like a man who is concerned about everyone involved trying to do the right thing and I also wish the best for you.

    May Allah be pleased with your efforts and make this akward, difficult situation an easy one for all involved.

  5. You should go for it now bcoz its too late for you to back off uts your fault why you get agree you should say no early on now only thing you can do is get marry her and find other girl and tell her about your first marriage and get marry again secretly and look after both of them and let yoyr first know about your second marriage after few time and try to get separate from your family and live with your wife

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