Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Not Happy In Marriage



I was with some I had known for a while a Muslim that followed islam through work, my mum had been trying for ages to get me to marry from Pakistan. I went to pakistan with my family for my sister and brother wedding. My mum kept asking me again. My mum has had a hard life tha I had witnessed as she brought us up, she is the most important thing to me than anyone. I finally agreed to it only for my mum. I got married. After I got married I was there for 2 weeks then returned home. We barley spoke of  the phone or through text. I was busy with work etc holding down two jobs.

I tryed my best to stay away from the other person I'd known but ended up going back, I also didn't not inform this person I had been married too. I then returned to pakistan a few months ago when my in law asked me to go with them. I originally was going for 4 weeks and ended up returning back just under 2 weeks. I could not physically maintain that relationship I still tryed and not made a sense in front of anyone or family. I still ending up having intercourse even though I hated it and made me sick. I could not help what i was feeling, it just wasn't right.

I wasn't as strong as I thought I was, I couldn't do it. He kept on ringing my sister etc and telling her all the information, I had family from home consistently ringing me and asking what the problem was, I didn't agree to him ringing my family and tell them problem within the relationship. I had my sister asking why I was having intercourse with him I stated this is a lie but no one believe it. When I did have intercourse he wanted it 10minutes later again then again an again. And I couldn't do this.

Then he was ringing my sister and family telling them stuff behind my back. He ended up taking me to some peer I refused to go then I had family ringing me telling me I must go as he had gone back and rang my sister and brother, I had my brother on the phone shouting at me so I had to go. I ended up going the peer said to him you are two very different people etc. I couldn't handle no more due to every night same problem.

I was locking myself in the toilet and crying almost every night. I even took an overdose one night and still didn't tell anyone till this date. Only the person I was with before i went, that was the only person that's stuck by my side. I would have done anything to not be there and in that position. It was the worst feeling ever. I ended up paying a load of some and coming back within 2 weeks. If it wasnt for that person i would have returned home that quickly as no one was allowing me to move the ticket. He was then still going behind my back asking stuff from my sister etc. I still haven't questioned him about this.

I returned home and had a load of tension headache of the family at home and threats of my brother. They had there suspicions about That person and me, they stopped and refused me to go back to that place to work I agreed. I was no longer allowed to step out the house. Every 5minutes I stepped out the house I had a number of messages and calls and people following me. I got a number of abuse through messages etc. I was used to working 70 80 hours a week. My brother has a go at me for spending my own money and working these hours at work. I was told to leave my job and find a new one.

I was so angry with everyone I felt like the world was against me. I had people constantly at me to apply the case, I applied just before I went to pakistan. I hardly had no money, I was also helping paying the homes morgage with my brother had my own car job etc and my all expenses. I hardly had any money. I already had some much fimicial stress and work stress.

I ended up lending money of someone to pay for the case etc. I applied for the case 11 weeks ago. He had already applied before but did not inform me nor his family so I had put in the case that he's never applied, he then blamed me for this mistake. I had also found out that he had lied to me about his ages but still it was forcley done to him! Which isint possible. He looks alot older than me. I am only 24.

Everything seemed to be my fault. He rings me constantly and does not understand I work long hour 12 and 24hours I cannot answer I do text him. When I tell him I'm out or at work he will ring my house phone to se if I'm at home. I cannot make myself physically to maintain this relationship.

The other day he rang the home again and my mum gave me the phone said he said you haven't spoken to him for 2 weeks, even though I reply to his message! This made me angry again he's telling other people if he's got a problem he should say to me. My mum had a go at me and stopped talking to me for some time, she then threatened me again with my brother. I would rather have my brother do something to me than to maintain this relationship which I cannot do.

I'm at the point were I actually hate him. I have told him this and said I cannot like with him. He said I am with him now and cannot get out of this. I'm not a nasty person and do not want bad for anybody but I cannot do this. My family are wanting me to stay in this relationship, they do not understand that this is not possible for me at all. They are more bothered about what other people will think. But I'm sorry they aren't living that life. I never want to hurt my mum but I cannot do this, I cannot help this.

I soo nervous and scared for when the case news comes back. I feel like I am stuck and cannot go back or forward. I feel like everyone is against me. I getting negative thoughts in my head as I also haven't had an easy upbringing with my father.  I feel like everything Is catching up with me also with stress of work an finicialy and family at the moment.  I feel so alone. I feel like if I leave then no one will have any more tension from me. I having bad thought and feel like there is no way out left for me. That I will have to depart myself from the world. If I run away my brothers will come and find me. I want a death were no one can tell I've meant to do it and then nothing can go back onto my family. Have I done wrong to love someone who is also a muslim?

Im sorry for this long question, I just have no one to talk to or turn to. I pray to Allah as must as i can, i hope he listens and answers my prays and shows me a way out that everyone will be happy with me. I feel so helpless, I cry alone. I feel myself giving up and hitting rock bottom to the lowest. I don't know what to do. I feel helpless and feel like I have no options left except the thoughts in my head now....


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5 Responses »

  1. Hello sister, i really feel for you! You're stuck between your mother's happiness and your happiness. Now i'm not going to lecture you, but i am going to tell you to talk to your mother, tell her how you feel about your relationship with your husband and tell her everything you have told us. I'm pretty sure no mother in the world wants bad for her child and maybe she would support you and your decision for not wanting to carry on with this relationship. i suggest you make it clear to your husband and tell him about your feelings and clearly he just wants you for sex as he repeatedly asks for it. Can ask if you're pregnant ? Has he ever raped you or sexually assaulted you ? Do you ever think you can love him and be happy with him? please answer my questions so i can give you further advice. Take care and i hope to hear from you soon xxx

  2. Sister, if I understand you correctly, you are not in the same country as your husband? Have you made a decision? It sounds like you want out of the marriage? I commend you for trying and realizing you just can not live on these terms. This is very adult and mature. It sounds awful to be honest. Will your brothers harm you physically? My concern is if you decide that you want to part ways from your husband but he may not willingly give you a divorce. In that case you may apply for a divorce which islam allows. That's where you will need to contact an Islamic council or mosque where you are now. I dont know the exact procedure but you may need somebody to go with you and your family probably won't? Maybe somebody in here knows more?

    Also I advise you to not look back. Past is past. You are young and learning. Forget what you did before you got married. Focus only on the present issues. I sense there is a real risk you may lose your mother/brothers if you seek to dissolve this marriage. This may be hard. Can you cope with that loss? If your brothers pose a risk to your life or safety then you may news ro relocate to a new far away city and possibly to a new country. Is that an option? Sounds like you can financially handle yourself. You have work experience and all. With time they may come around. But maybe they won't. These are things you must consider when making your decisions.

    Also stop wishing death for yourself. This you will overcome. Keep your faith and use the very practical advice in the Quran too. And dont apologize for asking questions. It's brave of you.

  3. Leave Him.

  4. But Don't take divorce with him. pray for him

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