He doesn´t want to marry me, but wants to date me.
Assalam Wahlekum,
I need help here:
I have been in a relationship with this guy for 2yrs,but when I spoke about marriage, he said he has never decided & now he says we will never be happy & then we broke up.
I left the city where he lived,now that we are so far,i still feel that i should strongly believe in my prayers & that he will realize & come bac to me.Its been2months now.
But we are in contact over the phone.
Recently i heard about Ishtikara prayers, i was very happy to have a guidance ool from Allah (swt).
I took help from the internet & relatives,understood how it has to be performed and all.
One day i started praying,for 5 nights i prayed,i had no signs,but somewhere i started feeling negative about him (maybe i was forcing my heart to feel happy about forgetting him)
Then i decided to bring the thought of marriage with him completely out of my mind after 5days & stopped offering Ishtikara,& continued with my regular prayers.But in my daily prayers sumwhere by default i use to pray for us to be together,i was begging of Allah to help me stop my tears.Basically i was confused.
After 7day suddenly he came to my city to meet me,it was unexpected & like a miracle,he is so egoistic,but yet he came to meet me,i felt like the most happiest person in this world,we spent time together,spoke all good things,then he left.
Now after 1week again when i asked him,can we work out a marriage,he said no.He says he loves me alot,but we cant be together bcuz he thinks we will not make a good pair & we will fight & we are not a good match.I tried my best to make him understand.He says its not possible.But yet he will keep telling me how much he misses me.
But my heart wants him.
What should i consider this entire episode as???
Please help with your best knowledge.
JazakAllah Khair
-naz
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Salaam sister Naz.
I am sorry to hear these problems you are going through. I am going to be blunt sister, so forgive me I just want you to realise. You must accept that he's not going to marry you. He doesn't want to for whatever reason sister. If he can date you he probably thinks why bother marrying. This is one of the reasons dating is haraam. His behaviour is wrong though - it is completely disgustingly unfair to leave a person suspended like that. He should either honour you by marrying you or let you go. It is unfair or him to be contacting you and most of the time the pain of hanging on or not letting go is much worse than accepting the relationship is over. I appreciate how painful that is. How can you move on when he is keeping you suspended like that. Also you have to remember words are just words, and so are intentions, but do his actions reflect his intentions. He tells you he loves you and misses you, but makes excuses about marriage. This is not the behaviour of someone who loves you and misses you. In short - sister if hes not going to make the break - you will have to. Change your number if necessary.
Which brings me to another point sister - Islam is beautiful and perfect. Allah swt has allowed us certain things for a REASON and forbidden other things for a reason. We are only truly content when we remember Him and our close to Him. Do you think engaging in something forbidden is going to make you happy?
"Allah has written the very portion of Zina which a man will indulge in. There will be no escape from it. The Zina of the eye is the (lustful) look, the Zina of the ears is the listening (to voluptuous songs or talk), the Zina of the tongue is (the licentious) speech, the Zina of the hand is the (lustful) grip, the Zina of the feet is the walking (to the place where he intends to commit Zina), the heart yearns and desires and the private parts approve all that or disapprove it.''
[Al-Bukhari and Muslim].
So its not just sex before marriage which is forbidden but any kind of pre-marital relationship. Its a big sin. My dear sister. Allah swt has honoured us and given us a means to express love and have healthy relationships which are pleasing to Him - marriage. Your love is precious and it should only be given to a man who will be happy to commit - a spouse. Fornication and having boyfriends etc cause other problems such as heartbreak, cheating, family problems, unwanted pregnancy, loss of honour etc.. Even talking to guys as 'friends' causes unecessary complications.
Please however, do not despair about your sin, Allah swt is the Most Forgiving so if you make firm intention to change and ask Him to forgive you, He will forgive you InshaAllah.
Also about istikhaarah - if you do it again in future just check InshaAllah it is correct - there are ALOT of myths about it out there. We have some links on top of page on Istikhaarah so please take a look. Also this guy refusing marriage is a BIG negative sign! Sometimes we need to look out for the answer even if its not the one we want. Also dont make dua for Allah swt to bring you together - your asking Allah for something haraam sister! Even if your asking for marriage - accept that Allah swt knows whats BEST for you and ask Him to give you a spouse who is good for you. Trust in Allah.
As I have said, I personally think a man like this does not deserve you, and in time you will move on InshaAllah. Just cut all contact - work to get closer to your deen. Do your obligatory salat if you dont already - turn to Allah swt and repent and change. It is really beautiful so walk on the path towards Allah. Also keep busy - as the first few months will be hard. Take up a halal hobby you enjoy - make the most out of your life. The time will come when you will realise that you were not actually happy when you were with him. InshaAllah you will also realise that life is much less complicated and better when your not involved in haraam relationships. Seek Allahs pleasure in all that you do.
Also work to change but learn to love yourself and be happy with yourself. Thats important as many of us are fed with the idea that we are incomplete without love or a boyfriend. Realise that this is false. We are learning and growing each day.
Here is a beautiful article by brother Wael, please read. There are others here which may help you so feel free to look around:
http://islamicsunrays.com/category/love/
Sara
IslamicAnswers. com Editor
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Assalam Wahlekum Sister Sara,
It was a great pleasure reading your comments,my eyes were filled with tears.
I completely understood watever u said,i know ive sinned a lot,i pray all my salats n i do lot of other prayers for forgiveness.
We are very far away from each other so there is no question of dating.Thinks have changed a bit between us.I have my last try to give,inshallah hoping for the best.
Sister sara plz forgive me im saying this,i try my best to stop myself asking for him him in my prayers,by default my heart asks for him..i try to control a lot.
I ask allah to give me whatever is best for me now,please pray for me,i will keep you updated with whatever happens next.Inshallah will do Istikhara again.
Jazakallah khair.
W/salaam dear sister.
Thank you for your reply. Its always good to receive a follow-up.
you will miss him; that is normal given everything you've shared and what you are going through. But there are times you have to ignore your heart, cope with the pain and just move forward.
The best example I can think of is having a mountain in front of you and being weighed down with heavy, beautiful but unecessary objects. The mountain is scary and difficult and you can choose to sit there and not climb it. But will you go anywhere? Of course not. Likewise you can climb up with all of your possessions you love but dont need, but these will drag you down. Or you can remove the things holding you back and climb the mountain. If you do this - it will be very difficult but you are moving! The mountain represents moving forward, the possessions are this man etc etc. Sorry sister for my bad attempt at poetic metaphors but just showing you you have choices.
Just know that the longer you stay around, the more it will hurt when he eventually leaves. Thats the hard truth. I advise you to save yourself from the unecessary pain. But again, its your choice.
I will keep you in my dua - continue doing istikhaarah and be strong sister. Remember that there is no happiness in the disobedience of Allah. Nourish your soul, and work on getting close to Allah.
We are here for you anyway sister.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
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A/Salaam Sister,
Once again pleasure reading your comment.
Sister you have no clue what all im doing these days..
I have no other work then jus praying to Allah taala for forgiveness.
I pray Tajjud,i keep Rajjab ke roze,i do lot of other prayers.I jus know onething that this pain has taken me too close to Allah & i feel great.
Its said by Gibriel Alle salam to Yusuf aale salam,that a small Ant is not been ignored by Allah Taala,then why would we humans be ignored.
Im happy now,i have started believing that ,if Allah taala has written him in my destiny then i will inshallah get him,or else im sure Allah has kept something better for me.
And i know another fact that our Nabi himself has said, that nothing can change destiny ,but Supplication.
I will keep praying,rest is Allah ki Razaa.
Thank a ton for being there sister,I love this site & will recommend to my friends as well.
Dua me yaad rakhein