Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am not satisfied with my carefree husband, and I fell in love with someone else

Divorce, couple divorcing, breaking up

Assalam-o-Alaekum!

I have been married for 6 years to a cousin who I did not want to marry. As I was an orphaned girl with no father, I was pressured to marry against my will. I tried hard to make this relationship work just for the sake of Allah. It is no Ehsaan of me on Allah, it was my duty. But it was so hard at most times to get physically close to my husband.

He has a carefree nature, and cares for me and my children when he is in the mood. He was jobless because of his own attitude for 3 years, and that was the time when I started disliking him even more.

I have heard the hadith that a Muslim woman who asks her husband for divorce herself will not even be able to smell the scent of paradise. I do not want to live with him anymore, though he found a job (but who knows when he will leave that, too). What must I do? I am doing a good job and he wants me to leave it, too.

The tricky part here is that in the past 6 months, I came across the person I loved, and I am in touch with him too. I do not want to be a sinner, but as I found him in this situation, I have completely lost love for my husband. I am just concerned about Allah's anger, what must I do?

-Mystified


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7 Responses »

  1. ASSALAMALAIKUM-
    Mystified
    IT LOOKS UN-JUSTIFIED-THE TITLE ITSEF IS SHOWING SIGNS OF HARAM STEPS-I fell in love with someone else.PLS SHOW HOW ANYONE CAN FALL WHEN ALREADY IN MARRIAGE CONTRACT-

    IT IS VERY WRONG TO DO FORCED MARRIAGES IN ISLAM BUT NOW 6 YEARS HAVE PASSED AND THE
    CHILDREN ARE THERE-
    WITH ALL THE UPS AND DOWNS HE GOT A JOB NOW AND IS BETTER POSITION THAN B4
    1ST HAVING HUSBAND YOU GO ABOUT CONTACTING AND LOVING A HOUSE BREAKER
    [THIS IS ISLAMIC TITLE FOR HIM]
    How strange it is that the shaytaan can make attractive to people that which Allaah has forbidden, and divert them by all means from that which Allaah has permitted to them.
    YOU WILL MARRY A CURSED PERSON-LATER CURSE YR SELF IT WILL BE TOO LATE-
    Abu Dawood (5170) also narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever corrupts a man’s wife or slave is not one of us.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi Dawood.
    Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked about an imam (leading people in prayer) who turns a woman against her husband so that she will leave him and he can be alone with her – can people pray behind him? What is the ruling on him?
    He replied:
    In al-Musnad it is narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “He is not one of us who turns a woman against her husband or a slave against his master”. So the man’s attempt to separate a woman from her husband is one of the gravest of sins; this is what the practitioners of witchcraft try to do all the time, which is one of the worst deeds of the devils, especially if he turns her against her husband in order to marry her, as well as persisting in being alone with her, and especially if circumstantial evidence shows that. Such a man should not be appointed as imam of a mosque unless he repents,
    DO U WANT MORE REFERENCES OF THE CHARACTER YOU ARE RUNNING BEHIND SPOILING A WELL SETTLED FAMILY]THINK OF CHILDREN] THERE ARE MANY US AND DOWNS IN COUPLES THAT DOES NOT MEAN TO YOU CAN TAKE ANY STEP ON THE DEPENDENCY OF YR JOB WHICH YOU TOLD IS A STEADY JOB-NOTHING IS PERMANENT-

    SO THINK TWICE AND TRY TO MAKE YR HUSBAND CLOSE AND BECOME INTIMATE MAY BE DUE TO NO JOB HIS MOODS WERE UP AND DOWN WITH YOU AND CHILDREN NOW IT WILL BE BETTER INSHA ALLAH YOU HAVE TO STOP HERE OR ELSE YR CHILDREN WILL CURSE FOR TAKING THIS STEP- MAY BE U WILL LOOSE THEM ALSO-
    REGARDS

  2. Dear Mystified

    It is haram to be in touch with some other man while you are married .It is BIG SIN .
    Better you both go for some counselling and sort out the issues .

    If you get married to your current boy friend then what is the guaranty you will be happy . He might feel if you can cheat your current husband now then you can cheat him too ..
    Having relationship outside of marriage shows loose character for women .

    Please remember that you are cheating on him and that is big sin ...

    AH

  3. AsSalaamu Alaikum Sister,

    Even though I am against forced marriages, but in cases where the marriage has gone far, and any physical or emotional abuse hasn't been detected from the husband (especially when children are involved), then finding ways to save the marriage, and making what is not lovable lovable, would be the best solution InshaAllah.

    I am sure there are some ways and activities that you two could engage in, which could help you save your marriage, and gain rewards from Allah.

    As for your old lover, what I think about it is that, it is the Shaitaan who has brought him now. Since, you have been facing difficulties in your marriage, Shaitaan has sent your old lover back to make things worse for you. But if you are wiser than the Shaitaan himself, you would search for ways to create love and happiness in your marriage.

    Today, it's not easy to get married to a man who cares for you and your children, so if Allah has chosen your husband for you and you find some flaws from him, just help him become a better person, while you keep on turning to Allah for guidance.

    Maybe you should discuss the issue with your husband (in a nice and polite way) and let him know how his behavior is driving you away from him, and then from there both of you could discuss about ways that could help save your marriage. As you may also involve visiting a counselor for some counseling, InshaAllah.

    May Allah save your marriage, and protect you from the temptations of Shaitaan. Ameen!

  4. Read very very carefully,
    You have already booked yourself for Allaah's punishment. There is one way called "Repentance". Take this way. Immediately stop all communication with the other man. Otherwise, the devil (cursed) will lead you to point of "no return". And Hell's ticket will be attached to you. Allaah Forbade. Amen.

    So, will it be better to live in Hell or better to live with your husband. You decide. Do read all the replies above. So, that you may find the right path insha'Allaah. Amen

    Allaah Knows the Best!

  5. Assalamualikum,
    Dear Sister,Gone through your subject.

    1.Someone forced you to be in that situation.So you are not guilty.You have tried to make but failed...
    2.He even didn't tried to manage the relation....
    3.For the sake of Allah,till you dint get in Sin...
    4.He has no consistancy though it is his duty (wazib) to maintain his spouse and children,not you...
    5.This is not right that if a woman wants talak from her husband she will not get the smell of Jannat..That is for a different situation. in islam KHULA also approved as talaq...(that hadith is applicable if the husband leads a purely islamic life and due to his islamic life a woman wants divorce,then she will not get the smell of Jannat....If a husband is incapable to maintain his islamic duty to wife then ? if a husband stays away for months mone than 4 months then ? if a husband is alcholic and beats his wife then ? if a husband-wife adjustment is failed (like Hazrat Jayed- R) then ?
    Islam is open and equal for all.. Islam never say that this only Male dominating religion......Pls note...
    6.He had to maintain all marital rights of his wife.he didnt.
    Hence......it is suggested that if you feel and find that after marring someone divorcing this guy,you will be able to lead your life islamically and devote to ALLAH,then it is suggested that just apply for KHULA and go ahead...
    If the second marriage is just for the sake of lust and enjoyment,there is a doubt about your intention.
    Love is created by ALLAH so that you will find HIM SO MERCIFUL......So always the love must be love for the sake of allah.
    Wassalam,
    Md Yahiya

  6. Salam sister,

    What you are doing with your ex lover is a great sin. As everyone said above you need to stop all contact with him. He has had an opportunity to come back in your life because you hate your husband and now the grass looks greener on the other side. But it actually isn't! You just need to water your grass. Take your ex lover out of the picture completely and just think about your family.

    It's not a sin to divorce your husband if you have good reason to. As far as I know the hadith states if a women asks for divorce with no reason (such as petty things).being forced to marry someone, not being phisically or emotionally attractive or compatible and not providing financially for the wife are valid reasons for divorce.
    Marriage is not meant to be a prison for women! Men and women both deserve to be treated well and have their phisical and emotional needs met. Marraige should not be tolerated but should be a means of happiness, security love and compassion through a faithful companian.

    But in your case your husband is not that bad Masha Allah. There may still be hope. I cannot tolerate men who do not want to work to provide for their family. They are not real men! But this maybe something that you can fix. Why not try to set things right before considering any drastic action where the consequences of your actions may be dyre for your kids.

    I suggest get elders and family members involved and let him know that its his islamic duty to provide for you and he must not stop working. Put all the bills under his name. Make him officially take responsibilty for the household bills. Maybe plan your life together, for example if you want to buy a house work out budgets and open up saving account etc etc. discuss future finance needs, childrens education etc etc. Do not leave your job. You don't have to listen to everything your husband says. Continue your job and be firm with him regarding his behaviour about finance. Try to ignite some romance into your marriage. Go on holiday together. Go to the mosque together. Dress up for each other. Be honest with him and tell him what you like or dislike about him.

    I hope all goes well for you Insha Allah.

  7. Walaikum salam wrwb,
    Sister, I agree with most advice offered above by brothers and sisters. If you are not happy with your husband then you need to discuss these issues with your husband. I would also like to request you to cut all contacts with this other man for your own sake as this is not only haram but may also be a reason for you not being able to work on these issues. As, someone said above all marriages come with challenges even the "love marriages". If you have tried to discuss with your husband and he hasn't changed (or he doesn't listen) then next step is to involve families from both sides and get them to sit together and lay down everything on the table. If it comes to divorce then part amicably but make sure that your final decision is not influenced by your feelings toward your "love interest". Also, think about your children's future as well, how this will affect them?

    There are several posts here dealing with the issues of forced marriages, lack of love, care, financial and emotional problems etc so, search our database for advice offered under those posts.

    May Allah (swt) help you make the right decision in the best interest of your children and yourself. Amin

    Muhammad1982,
    IslamicAnswers.com, Editor.

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