Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Not sure about my virginity

Wedding night bed

Wedding night bed

salam aliko,

Really thanks for this site, I really need your advice

I'm egyptian muslim (20 years) my parents are really strict, and i am engaged (with no previous realationship).

But I like him and I begin to love him, he is very kind respectable religious guy.

And he believe that he can't touch me until we are married (wedding after I finish my collage 2 year left)

Its the second time I'm engaged, actually the disaster is I used to masturbate when I was a kid till I was 19. First I didn't know that is masterbation and I didn't know its haram (forbidden) and many times the masterbation makes me bleeds.

I'm really afraid that my fiance will find me NOT VIRGIN after marriage and I afraid he will not believe me. I can't tell anyone. I just need advice, I pray every night.

The problem also that the white blanks in the wedding day maybe shown to all the family as its like a must. Here in egypt that the bloody sheets is a proof for modesty.

Is there any proof that I wasn't touched by any man?

Is there any physical change between a girl who didn't have any sin with any guy?

Or will I end the engagement with no reason (which is hard because its the second time I'm engaged) and live my life with no husband for ever.

I'm really afraid that I gain shame for my family and be divorced the secong day of my wedding.

I believe in Allah, The Most Merciful, thats why I still have hope.


Please pray for me

- Jumaana

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12 Responses »

  1. Salaam alakum ,

    Dear sister Jumaana I am posting this reply as I see that you have posted your problem sometime ago

    and none has reply and you must be keen for the answer.I am not an expert of the subject but I will try to

    answer you by best of my ability.

    Sis as far as I know girl does not lose her virginity by the act of masturbation, she may rapture her hymen

    membrane but virginity is lost only by sexual intercourse.Anyway the act of masturbation is haram and you

    should not practice it.

    I suggest you refer the link

    for your queries.I hope you are clear of all your doubts and may Allah bless you and keep you away from

    all sins and bless you with a wonderful husband and a very happy married life.

    Allah hafiz.

    • Salaam alakum

      Dear Aasif,

      really thanks for the links and for your advice as i really want it
      Allah bless you ,

      first thanks to Allah I have stopped doing this sin from months
      and I am not going to lose faith in Allah inshaa Allah

      will he know that i am virgin if the hymen membrane was harmed?
      anyway i trust in the most mecriful
      propabiliy my wedding will be this year 🙂

      gazak Allah khairan

  2. Assalamu Aleikum Jumaana,

    although Asif is right and your hymen may be intact in spite of masturbating, I still consider it to be

    a misogenist and pre-Islamic habit to dance around a bloody sheet and ululate to prove the bride's virginity.

    Virgin or not, the prophet married many women who weren't virgins( Zeinab bint Jahsh, divorcee,

    Umm Salamah, Hafsa bint Umar, widow) to remove these misogenist stigmas.

    Ask yourself why your value as a female is reduced to a possible fault of your past.

    Many western celebrities who reverted to Islam celebrated wild sex orgies in their lives, but

    when they said the Shahada all their sins were forgiven immediately. Tawbah is not only a gift

    to converts, but to the whole mankind.

    I don't know your fiance or your family, however, in many cases a calm and reasonable conversation

    would suffice to make an approach . If you fear their reactions or even fear that your life

    could be threatened, I can absolutely understand your hesitation; Nevertheless, I'm of the opinion

    that in the name of the holy prophet and his Sunnah, these customs and misogenist notions have

    to be fought from inside the Muslim Umma. I'm very sad that the situation of women in Egypt and other

    countries is like that, and I wish I could change it, but I can't.

    All I can do is make you think because a marriage should be built on trust and equality, love and

    respect for one another,by accepting past mistakes, past obstacles, past destinies. And not hypocracy.

    May Allah bless you and lead you out of that situation

    • Omg this is the most craziest thing i have heard, they dont SERIOUSLY have to show a bed sheet do they ?? :O
      omg i would die LITERALLY !!!!!!


      • Yes, unfortunately it does still happen. Its a vile and jaahil custom, in fact I would go so far as to call it haraam because it goes completely against the strict rulings of keeping physical relations private.

        Furthermore, it goes completely against the concept of concealing other's sins and protecting their honour/dignity.

        May Allah grant our people with wisdom, Aameen!!!

        SisterZ Editor

        • Sir Asslam o Alikum.... Firstly I'm so glad to avail this opportunity..... I'm so tired of my mental health because..... I am struggling hard to collect alot of information according to prove virginity loss but I can't have solution till now will u pls hell me ..... Actually in age of 15 i got raped by my tutor or i was soo dumb i didn't know about it anything i was just shocked that what's wrong going with me even though i am also so hesitate to tell my all problem to my parent especially this ..... I'm afraid of my verginity loss .... Now I'm 19 i got raped by my tutor in age 15 or he taught me only 2 years hardly or he used to attempt it or now in age of 19 i got awareness about that now I can't believe wht happened with me i have lost my virginity........ Plsss will u help me now I'm going to be someone's who loved me or i also love me alot or i also want to tell him that all but I can't i feel shameful for wht ... I consider it my fault .if i will be clever i will never alow to have this harmful accident with me ..... Will you please tell me how to be recover of that now how should i prove myself virgin ...??? Will be so thankful for your responses please help me!!!

  3. Assalam O Alaikum sister Jummanna!

    Sorry to hear your story. My heart seriously goes out for the girls in Muslim countries where they have to go through all this. I heard of this custom a little while ago and I was in a shock (I mean that's very very personal/confidential between husband and wife. Even the close family like in-laws don't have to know this). Also, as far as bleeding goes, I think it happens once (as far as I know from my knowledge), I don't know if it can happen again when having sex with the partner.

    What a guy should look for in a potential spouse are as follow.

    1- Her Modesty/character.
    2- Her Beauty.
    3- Her Wealth.
    4- Her Family. (That's the reason Holy Prophet (PBUH) married some of the women from the noted tribes of that time).
    What a guy should consider before he is getting married is not that if the girl he is going to marry is virgin or not but then again its all about education(religious and worldly) and following the religion the way it is supposed to be followed (not that we don't follow what we think is difficult/ not in line with our culture, don't benefit us in short-terms etc). Like sister "Jannah" said, most of the wives of Holy Prophet (PBUH) "Umahat-ul-Momineen" (Mothers of Momins) were not Virgin.
    Secondly, I think when two people are getting into a relationship like (husband and wife) they should be honest about each other and tell everything up front without holding back anything at all. If there are things either of them don't like then express those feelings but at the same time be tolerant and supportive to the other person. Why? because sometimes what we do or made to go through is not our choice and even it is then at that time we are not mature enough to differentiate between right and wrong(morally, religiously, socially, culturally etc), true or false. That is exactly, what happened in your case and even it was concious sister, then there is never too late to return to Allah Almighty (the merciful). He loves us way way more than our mothers.
    So, I must say that if your future spouse is really a religious person then he should help you out in this situation. Because, what I have learnt is that if you are only good by yourself (people/society can't benefit from you) then, you are no good. I sincerely hope that Allah Almighty will help you and will help change your fiance change if he has different views on this issue.
    Through my research on this issue of "LOSING VIRGINITY", there are many other ways a girl/woman can lose her virginity. It doesn't have to be the sex(consensual or forced/rape etc) or self-pleasuring etc. There is so much literature on-line that I am sure that will help you Insha Allah. There is an operation (at least I know in UK/US) where a women's hymen can be restored but its not one of the options for you sister(but just for your information). I must stress sister do talk to him before hand. I know it will be difficult especially in a society where future partners are not supposed to talk to each other in Public/private (I mean, how come it is possible for two person to spend together their whole life without knowing each other? There compatibility, likes, dislike, interest, personality etc.)
    Finally Sister! I truly pray to Allah Almighty to help you get through this time and make you husband more understanding and the one to help you out in this tough situation.
    Your brother Mks:)-

  4. Dear sister,
    i know its a very difficult situation. I Know about this practice of showing the bed sheet. Virginity has nothing to do with bleeding. Virginity is when u never had sex. But it has been the bad belief or malpractices to belief that virginity is associated to bleeding.

    When the hymen ( a cell membrane , a skin like) breaks then there is bleeding. It can break during hourse riding, cycling, when u get heavy bleeding during your monthly cycle or at times some people are not born with it.

    If the boy accepts you etc and u guys still have to show the bedsheet, then you see to it that you get your period (Menstruation) on that day. You can control your cycle if you take pills. I was in a bit similar situation like yours: In my case I used to have heave bleeding during my early days and it was painful to become the big girl. I jused to visit my lady dr for chek up, and she told me that my hymen got torn possibly during this phase. I was young and sin't understand anything I was scared. I thought I was going to die etc. When I was mature enought and about to marry I went to see her as I was scared . I used to pray daily ans was scared what will happen about the bed sheet shown etc. She told me to bring my fiancee and explained to him. My fiancee was very understanding. He didn't had any problem and trust me but he asked the dr how will we do with the sheet part, as there will be lot of relatives around during those days
    The lady dr told us if I had my periods that night it can help. And we did as she told and it worked.
    Being a virgin in fact means a girl who never had sex before.

    May allah help you dear.

  5. I know this was posted some time ago but i really need help, you see i used to do gymnastics and horse riding when i was 13/14 and i know my hymens broke as i saw blood on my pants when i got home but i didnt tell my mum or anyone else, im gettin married soon and i dont know what to do, i pray everyday and my parents are strict muslims,but people in the western countries dont realose that it can break without the need of intercourse, please reply asap as my life could be at stake!

    • The ony thing you can do it tell your future husband the truth. Bottom line is your still a virgin, he should'nt have a problem if he really wants to marry you and if he does have a problem then he's not worth marrying, becasue you have not done anything wrong.

  6. Ok thanks, i now have more confidence in saying the truth, but seeing as this is an arranged marriage and him and his family are really really strict muslims,i dont know if theyll let the marriage go on because they believe bleeding on the night is critical, do you have any other suggestions? Thanks

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