Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Not sure whether I should divorce- please help!

couple in islam, woman in islam

Long story short, I'm 23 and live in the UK. It's been a year and three months since I've been married and my life has been a living hell, so much so that everyday I wished I could die.

I live with my mother in law and my husband. My mother in law is divorced n my husbands her only son. She is so so so possessive of him that she makes us take her with us anywhere we go e.g cinema, asda, restaurants etc. she's really jealous of me n basically things are so bad now that she told me she hates me and now she shows my parents she hates them too coz of me and She is really nasty to me all the time and ignores me and makes fun of me and embarrasses me n humiliates me in public.

I've never been with another man but she always tells people I've been with this guy and that guy and she has four sisters that agree with her all the time and they say things like that to change my husband n when they say this he gets really verbally abusive n mentally too. My mother in law n her sisters put all this nasty stuff into my husbands head like I'm with him for money, I'm spending money on my parents, I'm nasty to my mother in law, I don't clean and cook I answer back and I'm with other men which is completely not true.

This made him turn nasty with me and I went to my mums house like a week at once then I went for a month when I couldn't take it anymore.

After that my husband brought me back in May this year and since then he's been better but my mother in law n her sisters are completely against me n want me out because I told others what they did to me as we were going to separate in that month when I went to my mums but I went back to give him a second chance.

The reason why I'm unsure why I should be with my husband is that he doesn't treat me right, he's not islamic, he doesn't take care of me or help me or support me emotionally or financially and his family all want me out. They also treat my family badly. He's also always trying to please his mum even to the extent that he doesn't speak to me in front of her and won't speak to my parents. I can only go to my parents house once a week for a limited time too and I'm not allowed to go out e.g with my friends. He's forcing me to have children with him now and forcing me to stop taking the pill so I need to make a decision ASAP. Also all this has caused me to have depression. Please help me, I need advice ASAP

aisha

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5 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    To be blunt, it seem you married not a man but a culture. There are societies where women control their sons and families in every detail. Often, they end up resenting anybody who diminishes their power over their sons, and wives in particular. I am sorry, but I don't see any other way out of this than ending the marriage. A man who has not had the character and religion to protect you and honour you, won't suddenly develop these traits tomorrow. If I were you, I'd divorce him now, as you say before you have children with him. Have you heard the saying "You can take a girl out of Kansas but you can't take Kansas out of a girl"? Well, I'd say the same about men and MIL:s in some cultures. I have seen it sooo many times, and sadly there is simply no hope for redemption.

    I will make duaa for you. May Allah grant you peace.

  2. Dear Sister,

    Salaam,

    I would advise you not to rush into the decision of divorce. Pray Istikhara and see where Allah guides you.

    You know your husband better. If you think he is a good guy and his behavior towards you is bad because of his mothers influence then you can talk to your husband after taking him into confidence. Explain to him about your mother in law in a respectful and calm manner. Inshallah he will understand.

    Ask him for separate accommodation and try all options to make this marriage better. Only after using all the options you can go for divorce.

    Also, postpone the plan of having children until your situation is sorted out. Tell him clearly that you can't have a baby in this situation. It's better to not have the children to avoid them suffering because of your divorce if it happens.

    May Allah bless your marriage.

  3. If you have only been married for a year and this you describe as terrible and unbearable, then why would you not leave sister.

    Ask for seperate accommodations, but a man who is not behaving like amuslim husband and not treating you well...you really don't have to be with him. You have a right to seperate accommodations, and if he can't provide it...then really move on sister. He needs to be a man and put you before his mothers needs, and move out. If not move out, atleast stand up for you. If he can't do that, the. Why are you with him?

    You can give him and his mother many chances, but this is who they are..and you can't change people.

    Marriage can be happy, and marriage is beautiful with the right person. You are in the uk, you are young and educated...don't live in misery,this. Is not what marriage should be.

    Please don't hesitate to put your needs first, marriage is a commitment but not if it's a place here you get no respect and are treated badly..you have no reason to stay.

    Know your rights my dear, and don't be afraid to make noise.

  4. Your mother in law is not so intelligent. you can help her become a better person. Normal people don't hate others. Think twice before divorcing. In some cultures it gets difficult for a divorcee to get married again. If you are in UK you may find many men willing to marry you so that they can come to UK too.

    You can't change people by pressuring them. Do it in a way they may not even realize.

    Personally I treat people good even if they treat me bad. Sooner or later they change

  5. Salaam Sister

    I was in exactly the same situation as you and I went through a divorce 6 months ago. Never fear that you will not marry again - people who tell you this normally have a lack of tawakul in Allah swt. There are many many women who divorce and remarry better husbands than the one they have lost. There are many single men and women who never marry and there are many divorced women who do remarry. This is your test from Allah swt- trust him and ask Al Walee to guide you to the right decision. Only a Pakistani person or South Asian will try to put fear in you and say it will be a difficult to remarry as a divorcee. Funnily enough culture prevails religion with these people because of lack of education in their deen. Follow the people of imaan and do not fear. Read ayah 3 of Surah Talaq it will tell you all about the promise of Allah swt for those who trust him.

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