Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting kids or is it just something I can’t help how I feel?

I became muslim at  16 years old back in 2008 and it has been a great 5 years and I never felt happier I am 22 years old now and of course no longer a teenager let alone a kid and of course with age comes with maturity hand in hand and there comes a time as many say you gotta settle down and have your own family but I dont feel this way at all.

As I explain what I mean long before I became muslim I was bullied every single day for almost nine years and it has damaged me even still to this day psychologically and affected me its easy for a person to say just move on and forget about it but they dont know how it feels everyday I was insulted, hit or spat at and ganged up upon and nobody cared about my welfare or wanted to help me so much so I wanted to die and kill myself.

I suffer from bouts of depression and occasional anger due to this as I feel victimized and bullied even still in my life now I just feel very unhappy inside and dont feel anyone understands me its like people feel I am a burden to them and they just want them to hurry up and let it out and they dont care about me which hurts me very much due to this I shy away from human contact and dont socialise as people dont understand me and I feel scared of being hurt again as it happened  to me as a child.

I suffer from low self esteem and lack of confidence I feel people dont genuinely care about me and just see me as a joke I used to give dawah and go masjid often and other things but I abandoned doing that I still pray but I rarely socialise and I stay indoors away from the world as I prefer my own company.

Onto the subject of children before I say why I dont want children I stress I get scared of admitting I dont want children as there exists a social stigma of where people accuse people of not wanting children to be ''evil'' '' child haters'' '' selfish''  this is not true some people do like kids but they just dont want any of their own and they dont have the parental instinct in their hearts I fall into this.

I do like kids as they are innocent and I was once one myself as everyone one of us was but I dont have any parental feelings in my heart I can not put on an act as though I suddenly want kids in front of others when I dont feel that in my heart my brother who is not a Muslim recently this year he and his girlfriend had a baby girl of course I held her but I just didn't feel anything like what others felt when holding a baby I know some might assume I'm hard hearted but I am being honest as I cant lie and deceive myself  into feeling something i dont genuinely feel.

The reasons why I dont want children is because children are a very huge responsibility and I dont want this in my life as I know I can't handle it as I said earlier I suffer badly from depression and low self esteem and part of that is giving up if I feel pressured and it seems too hard this has happened alot in my life and I dont feel its right me being a parent and I feel I cant handle it and I suddenly run off which although I wouldnt do I just wont be able to handle the stress.

Another reason is that some women im not saying all but some deliberately pierce a man's condom even if he does tell her he does not want children and she outwardly seems to agree with him but then she uses deceit  to trap the man either to keep him in the marriage or just to get his money and this sounds like very immature behaviour I do not want a woman trapping me and forcing me to parent a child I do not want as that is unfair on me if one wants to have a child with someone they should have a mutual agreement or if they disagree just get a divorce dont use deceit

Another reason is its my experience of when I got bullied badly as a child and I have alot of fear in case it happens to a child I have please do not tell me oh it wont happen or dont be so negative as people dont understand how I feel inside the world is a terrible place now and I dont want to take a chance on having a kid in this world full of evil and misery and suffering in the UK where I live there is so much bullying and in some cases some bullied kids even commit suicide this is how I felt into wanting to commit suicide to escape this pain I was going through in most schools bullying is very common and rarely do teachers try and stop it in fact as from my own experience its either a small telling off or if you hit back when your attacked you get disciplined but the bully does not this happened to me and is common.

My temper is very short and I am not a patient person this is something I have in common with my father I am not a violent guy but I get snappy and get very impatient  again when I was a child my father shouted at me or even blamed the bullying on me he even once said to me I should have been drowned at birth I get very angry at people either due to feeling persecuted and I react with anger or I get impatient I dont want to have children and suddenly if the child does something naughty I get snappy and raise my voice and he cries as Ill feel guilty and feel like a wicked person its not fair on him or her.


I thought long and hard about this wondering if I am being selfish and wrong by not wanting kids or not feeling like the parenting type I tried to see and understand why I should have kids but ultimately I cant fool myself into feeling something I dont feel its not good  I browsed threads and forums of the issue of people not wanting kids I just dont want children I dont feel like Im cut out for it and I dont want that responsibility I just cant feel or want something I dont feel in my heart.

I know I am only 22 years old and most have told me I might change my mind or love being a parent but I am not a child or someone who is mentally ill I am a man who has a brain and I know I cant see myself having kids its just not something I want I am being honest and I am not denying my feelings its best to be honest than to say or be something your not.

My aunt who  isn't a Muslim seemed saddened when I said I dont want children she feels Ill be a great dad as she feels im kind and caring but I just dont feel I can look after a child its not something easy and I dont want responsibility as I dont feel I can do it

My parents who are together do understand my feelings and they say if I dont want kids its my choice and I cant be forced into wanting a child or what not I am very sure on my decision and dont want to change my mind.

My question is am i being selfish for not wanting kids does it make me a bad muslim and wicked and evil? and must i be forced into being a dad even if i dont want to as some people insist i must get married it will solve all my problems when clearly that isnt always the case.

Muhammad Ghareeb.

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10 Responses »

  1. Oh bro i can't believe this! i am in EXACTLY the same situation as you. 2 differences..i was born a muslim and i'm 27. other than that everything else is the same. I don't even wanna get married thats how low my self esteem is

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    Let me start by saying that I don't think you're bad or evil at all. Alhamdulillah you are a Muslim, and trying your best to follow the teachings of Islam - you can hold your head up high.

    Reading your post, it sounds that that bullying and abuse you experienced in your childhood and teenage years has had a significant effect on you. Don't let it shape the rest of your life - why not try counselling or speak to your doctor about some psychological therapies to work on the impact this has had on your confidence and social interactions?

    While some people may try to insist that "you'll change your mind" or that it's wrong or weird not to want children, if you don't want to be a father, you don't have to be. As far as I am aware, there isn't a rule that says we have to have children. We are advised to strive to strengthen and further this Ummah, but there are ways to do that without necessarily becoming a biological father. There are brothers and sisters who for whatever reason either cannot have children or choose not to have them, and they are still able to help improve society, in different ways.

    For example, you could become involved in charitable work, dawah, education... These are all excellent ways to help our brothers and sisters, and would also help boost your own confidence. Why not ask at your local masjid if there are any projects needing a pair of helping hands? If you don't feel confident enough yet to throw yourself into a face-to-face project, there are plenty of other opportunities to help - does your masjid need help updating its website? Are there online communities you could join and help out? The UK has a lot of excellent Islamic projects which are in desperate need of more young and enthusiastic brothers getting involved.

    You're still young, so have a lot of time to make big decisions, so don't stress too much about whether or not to have children, or even to marry yet. Take time to figure out who you are, who you want to be, and what you want to do with your life with regards developing a career, improving your practice of Islam, finding a place for yourself in your community. Once you feel ready to consider marriage, then think about what you would want in a wife and speak with someone at your masjid about finding a wife in a halal way.

    At that point, if you still feel you don't want children, that's ok. Just be clear when you are discussing marriage that this is an important issue for you on which you don't see your view changing. While some women may well not want a child-free marriage, there will be other women who either don't want or can't have children themselves, so inshaAllah you can find someone with whom you can be happy.

    Midnightmoon editor

  3. Dear Mohammed Ghareeb,


    I am very impressed that at the age of 16 when one is most rebelious towards religion , you chose Islam. Mashallah.
    you were a man at the age of 16 to make a conscious decision to become a muslim.

    my dear brother ,iam 37yr old. and single. everybody around me is married with kids. i do a job that involves babies. i love them. as a woman world expectation is that i must be desperate to become a mum or atleast be feeling broody with it.

    the truth is. i never feel this way. children love me , i love them too. but does that mean that i want one

    i too feel that life is tough and wouldnt like another human being to go through suffering just because one is expected to in this world .

    having said that. i see couples as part of my job.who got together because they both didnt want children but when pregnancy happened and the couple decided to continue with pregnancy believe me they were one of the most appropriate couple to have a child to look after. i just kept thinking..... what alucky child this is.

    my own experience of being a child is not very nice , so may be thats why my views about having a child are different.... like yours. to such an extent that when a baby is born dead i sometimes think what a blessing it is ...... this child doesnot have face this horrible world and is pure as one can be and will just go to Jannah straight....... .

    my dear brother, you are only 22. dont waste your time in thinking you want kids or not ..... just concentrate on being a better human being each day, a better muslim each day .... your feelings towards having a child of your own may or may not change. you may want to adopt a child instead, i certainly would. not beacuse of maternal instinct but because a child will a get a shelter instead of being left vulnerable to the mercy of evil out there.

    be happy , your experience of life so far has been very tough... for a reason.... may you can see sufferings more easily than others because you have been there yourself and hence will exactly know how to help someone else in your situatioon as a child.

    to in short ..... there is nothing wrong in feeling you dont want kids..... this doesnot mean you dont love kids or you are evil..... this also does not mean that if allah chose for you to be a father , you will not be a good one .... i think you will be a fantastic one!

  4. Brother,

    You are not evil. You just have not come out of the pain inflicted on you.
    If it helps you, there are lots of people out there like you, who have gone through the same persecution for merely adopting the truth of Islam.

    But you stood strong in the face of adversity. Bravo. These days such valor is hard to find.
    You are only 22, and having thoughts of kids at this age, leads me to think of two things, either you have matured way to early (due to the abuse you went through) or you have time on your hands, or both.

    In either case, this is not the time to be thinking about kids. You are not evil, i repeat. Man is always full of doubt, regardless of what provisions Allah grants him, hence the word Ungrateful has been coined, specifically for man. I am guilty of being ungrateful, so are many muslim brothers i know. Hence do not be so, use your time wisely. I am 26 now, and thinking back to when i was 22, life was all about studies and work and gym and other things.

    Its not that i did not get bullied, every one gets bullied in some way or another, by siblings, parents, teachers, bosses...even exams 🙂

    Relax, let it go. Try and forgive those who bullied you, because forgiving is the path to true happiness and content. Allah showed you the way when you were 16, and he continues to show you the right path. Do not doubt his bounties for you, do not side step into the wrong.

    Study, work, bury yourself in these two and In sha your later years when you do find that special woman, it will come naturally to you, love, care, forgiveness.

    You are never alone.
    Salam Alaikum.
    A brother to another.

  5. Aslaam

    Brother, you are NOT evil or selfish. You and me are almost EXACTLY alike although I am just 19. Try going to therapist or get medication. I am on anti-depressants. I hope inshallah Allah will help you get through the pain inflicted upon you and every Muslim and non-Muslim who has been through bullying.

    You are NOT alone. My heart goes out to you my brother.

    May Allah help you in life.


  6. Asim do you live in London, I am in same situation as you e.g. depression. Maybe we could talk to each other help each other out Salam cya.

    • wasim, we don't normally allow private contact between readers.

      Wael Editor

    • I don't but I will be moving there inshallah soon. Brother, all I can say is have faith in Allah and try to block out the depression thoughts from your head even though it's really difficult. If the website allowed us to have private contact then maybe we can help each other but may Allah help you with your problem.


  7. Dear , i am in the same situation , but I am not married , i am muslim n female ,

    i don't want kids because the abuse i beared in my child years ,

  8. Salam

    having kids something people want because they are sweet:

    -Strengh the Ummah
    -Being happy
    -They give you a lot hassanat if you die and they do good deeds in your name

    And many many more. Have kids Bro

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