Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Of duas and fears

Muslim woman praying, saying dua' in Masjid


I am someone who prays a lot to Allah. I ask for everything. I really believe in the powers of dua.

I am going through a hard time lately and feel depressed. I've been reciting "hasbinullahu wa ni'mal wakeel, ni'mal maula wa ni'mun naseer". Alhumdullillah it has always helped me.

Lately, I found that you could also recite ayat-e-kareema when you are distressed. I've always known that ayat-e-kareema is very effective and powerful dua but I once heard it from a friend that you shouldn't mispronounce any word of it or else it could backfire.

So, I always felt reluctant reading it. Then lately, I thought, what the heck, I'll read it carefully as I think it's a beautiful dua but the curious cat in me wanted to be sure so I googled it. I found it's "jalali" i.e something you shouldn't recite in excess amounts and should be read after getting permission from a shaikh or a scholar, both of which didn't make sense to me so I disapprove. However, one of the answers on another site said that as it is a very powerful dua it shouldn't be read for every small matter as it creates emergency in heavens, so this dua should be recited only in times of real hardships or calamities.

First it made sense to me then it didn't. I mean what is a calamity? Who will define what level of my hard times is declared calamity for me? or how would I know my hard time isn't really hard for me. So, I save it for the real hard times? and suppose if I read it when my resulting is coming out and I fear I will fail, can't I recite it? Or will I be violating the gravity of the dua?

Now some other questions regarding dua:

Suppose, if it does create "emergency" for the fulfillment of dua, is that a bad thing? I mean nobody can force the will of Allah (nauzobillah) and only if He wills it, it will happen. Besides, Allah likes it when we keep asking Him in supplications, right?

Having said that, a question arises in my mind, can it happen that Allah grants us something which is bad for us? I mean sometimes like people say, when your dua isn't answered, something better is in store for you. But if you still ask for it and you get it after a good time, does it mean, the better was dismissed and you instead got what wasn't really good for you?

A friend of mine once said : don't ask Allah what you want. Ask Allah to give you what is good for u. I, however, believe that you should ask Allah what you want and if He wills it, he may make it better for you and grant it. He is after all, all powerful! Is my approach wrong?
Also, how long is too long? how long should you keep asking for dua? Is there any limit to it? Sometimes, months go by and your dua is still unanswered. Is that a sign that you should stop? and if you stop, will all your previous duas be "expired" or you should think they are pending and will be answered when the right time will come and move on with your life? or keep making the dua?

Finally, an issue that's not really an issue but sometimes I panic to think about it. My mom went to an astrologer and asked her how my future would be (I've recently found that it's a major shirk, I have since repented and I will never try finding about my future from any source whatsoever). So, this astrologer tells my mom that I would have a very difficult married life. (this was supposedly told by another astrologer too) so, I shouldn't think about marriage in near future. I should instead focus on studying and possibly go abroad.

Anyhow, I know that no astrologer has any authority of predicting my future. only, Allah knows best. yet, sometimes I fear what if it comes true. NOT because the astrologer said so, but because I believed it to be true for a long time, before hearing it from any astrologer. I don't know since when, I developed this fear that I would have difficulties in my married life. They say, when you fear something strongly, it comes true. Now, I don't know how to get this fear out of my mind. Although, I have overcome it but since I'm not gonna listen to this astrologer and insha'Allah I am gonna marry in near future if God wills it but sometimes, just sometimes my mind shifts to "what if?".

Could it happen that my marriage was destined to be at the age of 30( happily married) but I find someone at 25 and pray to Allah that I be married to him and my prayers are answered and I do get married but I face difficulties after it. Could it be that the dua changed my qadr? Since I've chosen to marry early?

Please tell me I should get a life and hold onto the rope of Allah even more strongly and instill some sense into me. I really need to hear some words of wisdom and good advice.

Thank you for reading sucha long post!

- Naseem

Tagged as: , , , , ,

16 Responses »

  1. Salam sister!
    I hope Allah gives you the best married life. ameen.
    " Oh Allah, please give me a spouse and children cooling to my eyes" i heard a lecture on this and i have started saying it. i am scared too of getting married but not because i think it will be bad or anything. another reason. but i dont think u should be scared, as i remind myself, i have istiqara, i really dont think that Allah will guide someone to do somethin that will be bad for them, well unless u ignore the warning.

    As for dua kareem, i have been saying this on and off and nothing has happened to me. i wasnt aware of the things u mention above though. i normalli read it in english becuase i dont understand arabic

  2. Salaams,

    Forgive me if this comes across as insensitive, I'm only trying to share what I'm seeing when I read your post. I don't intend to make you feel badly, only to take this view into consideration.

    In all your questions about duas, it seems like there is an underlying idea that the duas themselves are more powerful than Allah. Duas are powerful, and dua does bring results. I have no doubt, I have experienced it myself. However, there is no dua that is going to "mess up" your connection with Allah, or His guidance for you. Allah is not subject to any duas. He does not need them in order to "work", like a vending machine needs a coin. In fact, just like most everything He has given us in this life, the duas are more for our sake and benefit, because they cannot benefit Him in any way. If you never made any dua again in your life, you can be secure in knowing that everything that happens to you is still His will, and borne out of His love, to guide you back to Him.

    Allah wants us to come with every need. If we were most pious, we would remember Him and our need for him with every breath we take. There is no need that's going to be looked down upon, or He is going to respond with something like "that need wasn't severe or emergent enough, come back with something more drastic". He loves us to come to Him, whether it's for a safe drive home, help falling asleep at night, help on an exam, or asking for relief from the worst physical pain.

    Personally, I don't know what an "emergency in the heavens" would look like. I always understood wherever Allah is, everything that surrounds Him is in perfect harmony and submission. I don't think the chaos of an emergency is even possible, besides the fact that wherever He is, is outside the realm of time as we know it. So I don't believe things can come in and alter whatever scene is going on there. Allah knows best.

    Nothing Allah gives us is bad for us. Even the "bad" stuff, is chock full or barakah if we look for it. That doesn't mean the good things that come along, even as an answer to a dua for them, means we got a "second best". If Allah grants you something you enjoy in this life, Thank Him for it! If He denies you something you requested, still thank Him for it and ask Him to show you the lesson that was meant for you in it.

    The truth is, dua is part of your relationship to your Creator. There is no way to standardize it or for anyone to tell you "how much" or how little to do. Dua is for you, so make it as you feel inspired. If you don't feel like asking for something after months, then don't. If you want to continue, keep asking. If you feel you've asked enough and trust Allah to provide as He likes in His time, then do as you like. None of them are wrong. It's what make you feel most connected to Him.

    As far as your fears about your future marriage, let me give you the bottom line truth: You don't need an astrologer or anyone else to tell you that a difficult married life is possible. It's possible whether anyone says it or not. Marriage is a big undertaking, and has lots of difficulties just inherent in the fact of it. You face the same chances of a difficult marriage as anyone else, so that shouldn't be a reason to decide when you should do it. The issue really isn't whether or not there are difficulties in the marriage (because trust me, there will be of some sort or degree), but whether you and your future husband are able to work through them. A successful marriage isn't defined by a lack of difficulty, but by the ability of the couple to work through their problems cooperatively to their mutual satisfaction.

    My advice to you is to stop overthinking these aspects. You are not getting any more peace of mind by dissecting them to death. In your heart, you know what is the right thing for you as you reach for Allah. You know deep down what He wants for you and expects from you. No matter what anyone else says, or even what the analytical voice in your brain says, the core of your connection with Him is what is going to stay you in the end. Learn how to tune in to that, and hang on to that, and you will be able to face most if not all difficulties you face in this life (married or not!).

    -Amy Editor

    • I can imagine what an emergency in heaven would look like. I'm the one who edited this post, and at the time I imagined the angels pulling on red firefighter's uniforms and scrambling down a pole like firefighters. They jump onto a red truck and careen around Paradise with the siren blazing, and shouting, "Stop everything! Someone has said the ayat-e-kareema!"

      I'm sorry, astaghfirullah, I shouldn't joke. It just struck me as such an odd phrase.

      In any case, there is no "emergency" for Allah. He is all-powerful. With Him is all that is in the heavens and earth. The Messenger of Allah (sws) said (paraphrasing) that if every human and every jinn who had ever been created were gathered in one place, and each asked for Allah for whatever he desired, and Allah granted each his wish, it would not diminish at all from what Allah has.

      There is no limit to dua', no expiration (it's not a can of beans), and no guarantee either except that it will bring you barakah in some way.

      Stay away from astrologers. They know nothing and can predict nothing. To visit them is haram and shirk.

      As far as your marriage being difficult, don't make up imaginary problems. You know what, everyone's marriage is difficult. Marriage is a challenge. It's also a joy, a comfort and a learning experience. So take it as it is ma-sha-Allah.

      Wael Editor

      • Salaams,

        I think it might be fair to say that at any given moment someone in the world is saying ayat kareema, so that would mean the heavens would stay in a constant state of emergency if there were any truth to that conjecture.

        Mmmm no. I just can't see that actually working out to be accurate!

        -Amy Editor

        • Asalaam alaikum,

          I just had a Backdraft flashback. "If you go, we both go!"

          May Allah (swt) forgive us. :/

      • i laughed picturing all that. lol..

        actually, some few months ago i wanted to marry someone, some scholar advised me to do istikhara.he said if you do dua and you get married to him and it turns out bad for u, what would u do then? i know girls who want to marry someone, they do duas and all, and then they get married but after a year or two, they are treated like door mats or worse.

        i agree with istikhara, but what he said about the girls getting married and having difficulties further aggravated my fears.


  3. Asalaam alaikum,

    Is there an emergency that Allah (swt) cannot handle? Duas backfiring? Time limits on duas? The opinions are contrary to the omnipotence of Allah (swt), the mercy of Allah (swt) and the limitless nature of Allah (swt) and thus, so is the advice you have read. I would urge you to consult a trusted, respected and legitimate alim, if you have specific questions regarding duas other than the need to recite them. Reading off the internet and hearing circumspect advice is not reliable. To be clear, I am not saying that you need permission to recite, but if you are looking for something specific to your situation, then you can ask for them to make a suggestion. For example, there are specific duas for knowledge, marriage, children, parents, .etc.

    However, the most important thing in dua is intention, intention, intention. There's a whole discussion about what that should be, but suffice it to say, that is where dua from the heart begins from.

    I knew a person who went to an astrologer. They believed what the person had said and lived according to that fear. What was told did not come true and their fears were useless as their circumstances changed completely. During that time of their fear and their belief in an astrologer, they were committing a form of shirk in their heart. They are fortunate they did not die that way.

    BTW, all marriages have problems. The person's advice is like telling someone if they go into a swimming pool they will get wet.

    However, if you live fearful, then you will only accomplish feeling worse when bad things happen to you in life. We all have trials and tribulations, so what you may be missing is that these trials could take you closer to Allah (swt). Thereby the fear, could be stunting your spiritual ascension. For the true believer says, "Alhamdulillah," for the blessings and the trials. In each instance, there is the possibility of striving towards Allah (swt).

    Sorry for the brevity, but I hope this assuages your fears. Trust in Allah (swt), persist in dua and know that He never grows tired of the supplication of the believers.

    • All true, all true. I wrote my response, then read yours and Amy's and saw that they are all similar, except that yours and Amy's are more intelligent and sober than mine.

      Wael Editor

  4. thank you amy and professor x, for giving me a comprehensive reply.

    thank you amy for bringing to my attention that i make duas sound as if they are more powerful than Allah (nauzobillah) i shouldn't think that way.

    these questions spring up in my mind because some people say, qadar can be changed by duas.
    i guess my concepts are not clear about qadar.

    and what my friend said also confused me. but you guys do concur that whatever we ask Allah it will happen if He wills it and whatever He wills is always the best for us, not the 2nd best. that's what i wanted to hear, thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Most of my duas are in in English, some in my language and very few in arabic. But I always read and listen the Quran in Arabic text and the meaning in English. I don't know arabic. InshaAllah, Allah (swt) won't judge me on that ๐Ÿ™‚ There are tonnes of illiterate Muslims in this world, does it mean their duas won't get accepted? It is all down to Allah (swt), whether to answer our duas or not. No one knows His plans for us. All we know, this life is a test for us, which we must strive to worship/obey Him as actively and sincerely possibly.

  6. Salam alaikum all,

    My post is actually coming months after the last post. I just saw this thread today. I really envy sister Naseem for the courage so far. I hope by have married or have someone to marry. Many Allah give you firm faith and understanding of His religion and everyone of us too, ameen


  7. should i recite ayat e kareema for my result my result is in four or five days iam very tensed i am scared that i do not fail the paper!plz help sumone! ๐Ÿ™

  8. i have a difficult paper after two dayz should i recite ayat e kareema for it?

Leave a Response