Islamic marriage advice and family advice

On the verge of divorce, can it be saved?

angry wife

My wife in 2011 became a very angry and abusive towards me, and a few discussions with her parents did little to resolve the issues. She kept on falling out with me accusing me of things like affairs etc and became very paranoid.

In the end she made false allegations of GBH, but I was refused charge. I left the matromonial house, and have been seperated for three months and the english divorce proceedings are in process.

However, even after three months I am still in love with my wife, but my brain tells me there is no way back as next time she and her family will ensure they make some allegations stick and ruin my life. I am struggling to reconcile my emotions with the divorce and miss my wife to the extent that I am unable to get her  of my system.  I cannot stop thinking about her all the time everyday.

I am getting confused in how to move forward, my family and everyone tell me it has finished and I will not be able to trust my wife again as she continously lied during the break up period to the point where she started believing her own lies.  I sill have strong feelings towards her and no anger.

Some advice would be much appreciated.


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11 Responses »

  1. put u trust in ALLAH swt and pray to him whole heartedly inshAllah things will turn u way.

  2. Yea bro just pray n let things unfold.

  3. Salaam brother, your situation is a tough one, since you still love your wife, and i will give you a number of solutions you could try.

    It seems the problem is entirely from her part and usually this means the other half in the couple is at fault, however in your case from what you have posted your not to blame, i have no idea how long you have been married, so is this problem recent or has it developed over time, if you could let me know i can give you more accurate advice.
    From what i know, your wife is abusive and clearly has developed a disliking of you and is trying to hurt you and ultimately push you away, however you mention her family and they seem to play a big part in her decisions, i draw this conclusion from the following
    she and her family will ensure they make some allegations stick and ruin my life
    So her family also have a disliking for you, now you need to be sure that her behaviour isnt a result of her families inteference, because if this is the case, then you must remove your wife from such a atmosphere, because it seems common that a daughter or son will mirror their families feelings for the spouse, and so if her family are the cause then you must speak to her and explain you are her husband and she dosent need her family to partake in her decisions or choices, again the legnth of your marriage and actual inteference of the family is unknown and so this is the best i can say for this matter.

    Before you complete the divorce, you need to play your last card and that is to talk to her alone and say it all, you say the feelings of love and emotion are still there and you must get her alone and tell her how you feel and where you stand, but mention her treatment of you and how it hurt you, shed tears if it reaches that point but make sure she reciprocates your emotion and feelings, if she can understand and promises to make a change and no longer make these allegations and be with you and not follow her family, then call of your divorce and give your marriage another go, but do not put words in her mouth, she must make all the choices herself you must just reveal your feelings, if she cant agree and feels their is no future then you must divorce and somehow move on.

    I would strongly advise you to pray salat-ul-istikhara, from what i know you should take the above advice and talk to her, however you should also pray and see the outcome of the istikhara it can give you the best guidance, and also something which you can focus on, brother if you give me more details i can give a more accurate response, but from what i know i have advised you to the best of my ability.

    InshaAllah everything works out, and keep us posted on how it turns out, and ask if you need anymore help or assistance.

  4. Asalaam alaykum,

    In NO part of you post do you once say that she misses you, needs you or still loves you. In fact, the only mention of her reaction is a threat and it includes the same from her family. So I took the liberty of looking up what those charges could result in, in as far as jail time. This is what I found:

    Whether an offence is Section 18 or Section 20 is important when it comes to sentence. Section 20 Assault has a maximum sentence of 5 years imprisonment, and can even be dealt with in the Magistrates Court, although it is quite rare that the magistrates will prevent it from being transferred to the Crown Court. Section 18 Assault, on the other hand, can only ever be dealt with in the Crown Court, and can result in a maximum sentence of life imprisonment, although sentences of more than 10 years for Section 18 are rare.

    So if somehow they got to make charges "stick" you would be looking at spending around 5-10 years in prison and there's no telling what a vindictive person is capable of doing in trying to hurt you.

    My advice: If you can't stop thinking about her, then just think of being in jail for the next 10 years. That should clear you right up.

    Thank God you got away from her. Now find someone else to love.

  5. Assalaamu alaykom wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh brother,

    May Allah grant you tranquility in your heart and grant you a righteous wife.

    I really have no intention in making this sound abrupt or harsh.

    I was just reading your post and subhanAllah, you seemed sincere in your love to her. But I was just wondering, what is there to love about her when she mistreats you, lies to you not once but many times as you stated?

    I'm 19 years old and alhamdulillah I am married, I got married last year when I was 18 to an amazing practicing brother. It was arranged by my shaykh (teacher) but it was islamic not in the "jaheel" arranged way where it's some forced drama etc... we both agreed to it alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah I got married the way I did. But anyways, I learnt that love really is built upon good things. Like everytime my husband does anything small kind act like carries his plate to the kitchen or comb my hair or makes the bed or just hugs me while I'm cooking and takes me spearfishing, freediving, horse riding with him and encourages me to do these things..... It made me realize that he is irreplaceable and that is why I am in love with him because of his good character and how sweet he is.

    So I really don't understand how somebody can love a person who abuses them verbally, physically and mentally and lies to them and does so many bad things to them. What is there to love?

    I'm really sorry if I sound harsh but I don't mean to in any way.

    Maybe if you find another woman to replace her, somebody who ould want to love you and take care of you and serve you and be your best friend like a wife should, then you will realize that it was never love.....

    Is it really trully possible to love somebody so mean to you?

    Just focus on your relationship with Allah aza wa jal, read more quran, pray your 5 daily prayers, do the nafl salah and voluntary fasts.... and focus on attaining the highest level of Jannah.

    I pray that Allah will make you a happy person

  6. Pay attention to the times when you are in solitude and contemplating. They are a reflection of your relationship with Allah, `azza wa jall. You reading Qur'an in a corner in the depth of your home or masjid, is better for you and your sincerity than attaching yourself to a personality and depending on them for increase of Iman and thabat (steadfastness) on this path. Strength is from within, whereas finding strength in others is a highly unstable and risky endeavour. So make yourself strong brother.

    Speak to her like the brother suggested, for the final time, try to reconcile.... But DO NOT lay your feelings out point blank. Remember you are a man and you have your honor. After all the things she has done to you, you need to be a little bit more "reserved". Never show anyone your weakness, it can really destroy you.

    Praying the best for you

  7. salaam brother, perhaps you have low self esteem? If someone insults you repeatedly your love should turn to hate by now. Maybe you need to work on yourself before thinking about saving or getting in to another marriage.

  8. never make a decesion when you are sad or angry ..... Allah hates divorce.. please dont listen to your parents in this situation please dont divorce your wife. it really shows that you still love your wife so y to leave her??? proplemz can occur in every relation ship buh Allah has given us brains to choose what is wrong and right.. so please nvr nvr divorce her.. once you leave her even if u wish to get her back it might be impossible because once if u divorce your wife and again u want her back den she should get married to another person dey should hav sexual relationship once den dat person have to leave her ..den again problem araise. if de new husband is not willing to leave dis wife den finished den you can never ger her back in your lifee so please please think Allah and dont divorce

  9. Salam Brothers and Sisters,

    I know how you feel, I recently got divorce and my marriage only lasted 3mnths and technically I was with her for 22 days physically. The only difference is she is in India and I am in Canada, I went to rectify the issues we were having but unfortunately it did not work out. Marriage can only work if both parties are willing to work and communicate. In my case, I was stupid and angry most time, and also bug her about not picking up my calls and she never wanted to talk about her feelings and what is bothering her. I always felt she disrespect me and so forth. I still regret that last minute I gave her divorce only if my ego would not have come between me then I would have go and ask her for the last time. I still want to be with her as it is gunnah to give divorce. I gave 3talaq at once and now some scholars says it's consider one talaq and some says it's done deal. As per Quran it is not clarified.

    Tomorrow is Eid for 2016, I am praying to Allah (swt) that she realize her mistakes and contact me somehow to greet. I can not contact her because then her parents can make a big deal and file a case against me and my family. In India, police is with the one who throws money at them.

    I have realize my mistakes as well and may be you had some faults too so think about it and tell her that I am sorry for this and that and inshAllah your house will be saved. Talaq is the worst thing that can happen to anyone.

    May Allah (swt) help you and everyone this world.

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