Islamic marriage advice and family advice

One month into a forced marriage, I have lost my happiness

forced marriageI am a woman who has been married for one month and I am not a very happy soul. This marriage is a forced affair and was committed only for my parents sake. Being a Muslim I'm aware of the fact that I'm supposed to keep my husband happy and satisfied.  In the process, I'm not happy myself.  Externally I try to send out happy waves but deep inside I'm very depressed. This is not how I imagined my married life would be.

This ramzan is even more painful for me, because each time I lift my hands in prayer I tend to stay mute,  as if i have nothing more to ask for. This is even more depressing. I am very disappointed with the way life's been treating me. All my teenage and adult life I never had boyfriends just because I wanted to be loyal to my so called life partner and now all I get is someone I never wished for..

To top all this we are not compatible at all. He thinks exactly opposite to the way I think. I am trying very hard to save this marriage just for my parents sake and I wish to succeed.  I need psychiatric help but  cannot do so without making it public. Is there any other way out??

I am trying to be very optimistic but...

I need guidance .Please Help

Regards

- Fathma

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10 Responses »

  1. Dear Fathma, Asalaamualaykum,

    I am sorry that you are not happy in your marriage. Lots of people write in with the same issue, they claim to have been forced in to marriage and in your minds you probably have been emotionally forced as you do not have the communication or understanding with your parents to refuse the proposal. On the other hand your silence may have been taken as apparent acceptance of the proposal and your parents may not have not known the extent to which you were unhappy. Both parents and the persons getting married hold responsibility in this matter: the parents must be careful not to take advantage of the their position of authority and should fear Allah; and the children must learn when to and how to enforce their opinions as they have God given rights too. You are partially responsible for choosing this marriage partner.

    Anyhow, we must help you look forward; and all may not be as bad as you are feeling at the moment. As you have been married only one month yet, I would advise you to give the marriage a real try. I have many close friends who have found the first six months to a year of their marriage extremely difficult. In some cases I honestly thought the marriage would be over within weeks, but now Alhumdulillah a year later (and many trials later), the couples are maashAllah happy.

    I am sure it must take real effort to get through that first few months of marriage as you are living with a person whom you hardly know; hence, its always the same things I hear, i.e. 'we think completely differently', 'its not what I expected' etc. However, these same stories have also shown that the key is to respect one another's differences and to have respectful and honest communication; don;t give the silent treatment, don't bottle things up, don't let bad feelings fester, talk, he/she may not have said something the way you understood it etc. During this time you will discover lots about yourself and each other as you may find yourself being pushed to your personal limits and tolerance levels. I have seen that couples always become stronger as a result Alhumdulillah.

    At the same time, use this time as a courting period, go out with your husband and arrange some fun activities. It may seem like a big effort, but inshAllah this courting period will help the attraction grow and for the personailities to develop together. Start with having a one to one with your husband. Being honest but sensitive about how you feel should open doors of communication then you can both work on this 'issue' together - because it is not just your issue, it is your husband's too.

    In one line: I am advising you against contemplating divorce or separation until you have made a sincere and genuine effort to make it work.

    Best wishes,

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com, Editor

  2. Assalam-Alaikum,

    I think SisterZ's advice is really great. I just wanted to put forth my perspective. Sister you never mentioned that what is going wrong in your marriage. You only mentioned that you and your husband think differently and thats it. I can only say that thinking differently is not a bad thing. In today's modern world everything is being standardized, from our clothes and shoes to cars etc. This standardization process goes on in our lives and thanks to media we are told that how should the 'love' should be standardized between the couples and the first thing is they should think synchronously, which to me is something that is not required by islam. I think it does not hurt that if people think differently but right or wrong on a decision should be decided based on what islam tells us.

    I think you should give a real shot to what SisterZ has told but also should not look for standardized Hollywood approved ways of mutual attraction between you and your husband. I can only say that Alhamdulillah and MashaAllah your intentions has been great from start of your life and may Allah reward you for this. Also for this marriage you didn't hurt anybody and your parents blessings are with you. Only Allah knows that how good this man can be for you. Sometimes we expect too much from the start and the spouse might not be knowing about this. I think you should have open communication with your husband as well to tell him what you think this might also help.

    These were my 2 cents. May Allah guide us all and help us all.

    Regards,

  3. Dear Fathma,
    if he is complete different than you, he don't like what you like, and so on
    leave him now before you have kids and it will get harder. I have a friend the same happened to her she is been force married with this man for 22 years and still miserable, She don't know what happiness is what love is.. Don't let this happened to you. Your young still we only have one life enjoyed it to the fullest.

    Good Luck to you
    Prescilla

    • Compatibility- physical , mental and emotional is not something that develops just because two people are thrown together because of circumstance. You either have it or you don't- that is why marrying someone without evaluating the above is a real BAD idea. It is amazing how our desi culture wants people to marry for superficial reasons - parents choice, caste, community etc without realizing that for two people to develop and sustain affection- mutual goals, perspective, respect and attraction are an absolute neccesity.

      I feel terrible when I read such pleas whether from men or women - everyone deserves to be happy and to want to live a fulfilling life. Yes you should have been more strong and tried to resist your parents choice if you didnt agree but now it is done and if you are truly convinced that it was wrong then you should end it. Irrespective of what people say- you cannot be unhappy for the rest of your life and neither can the other person be this way to keep up pretences. This is your life and you should do what it takes to make you succeed- mistakes can be undone provided you have the courage to admit you were wrong and take steps to fix it.

      Remember you can please some people some of the time, all the people some of the time but not ALL the people ALL of the time!! Whatever you choose you will find supporters and detractors- but choose what will help you and YOU alone are the best judge of that.

  4. LEAVE HIM NOW!

  5. Leave him

  6. Dont settle & dont let people trick you into thinking you need to stay. You are a newlywed, you should feel happiness. Don't long for something else your whole life. Others who say they gave it a chance & now they are happy are just lying to themselves & everyone else. They just don't see any other options & gave in. Is your husband happy? Chances are he is not either &/or doesn't care. Don't have children. You know people in your same situation are not going to tell the truth about being unhappy for the same reason they got married in the first place. You are genuine to have expressed your true feelings & don't live a superficial, pretensious & boring life. Everyone deserves to be happy. Sure stay see if you fall in love...you might mistake tolerance for love. You are human of course you will care about the well being of someone you live with but is that love? If you don't feel it you don't. I'm sorry you feel you must live like that. This way of thinking needs to change.

  7. Hey guys,

    yeah , you. She was forced to get married.

    We can't condemn culture and find religious justifications for injustice. She wasn't consulted. In many

    parts of the world in which people aren't well-educated, women are treated like the property of their parents.

    The prophet(s.a.v.a.v.s.) annuled marriages when he knew that a girl was forced, he didn't even hesitate.

    We look at the whole issue from our perspective, but there are cultures and lifestyles in which the couple

    isn't involved in the marriage process. Islam allows a conversation without the parents in the room,

    he can ( at the end) take a look at the hair and the body of the girl, they can talk about marriage

    as much as they want in order to make a proper decision. It is right that every human being is responsible

    for his or her actions, but in many cultures people aren't considered to be responsible, aren't treated like

    adults, have to submit to their families in everything and don't know anything about sex in the wedding

    night. Responsibility requires independence and respect for the choice of others- in many families

    this does not exist. If she had chosen him, I would have argued that she should give it a try. But under

    these circumstances it is unfair to say she should give it a try. Will we start defending honour killings

    as well? In an honour killing many families think they do something good, they say it's religious. They

    see a girl taking off her hijab, dating guys, or behaving in an immoral way according to their point of view.

    She doesn't want to return to her value system, religious or traditional, and they kill her and preserve

    their honour. They say she was responsible for not being the way they wanted her. Or she tarnished

    their reputation in the community. Their women are property, their sons are property, and therefore they

    have such high expectations of each other that nobody's free. You are the son- you have to make sure

    that the honour is restored. You are the woman- you are our honour. It is not Islamic, it is cultural, but

    as long as people are treated like the goods of their parents and not like adults at the age of 18, people

    in the West have all rights to criticize our religion because we are the ones who can't differentiate- we

    are the ones who don't draw the line and in situations like this, tell women to accept their fate and that

    it's Allah's will. People who sit in glass houses shouldn't throw with stones. We have enough of problems

    we don't need to criticize others. The greatest feminist on earth was the prophet Sallallahu alayhi va

    alehi va salam. We have the greatest weapons on earth, but we prefer to throw with pebbles.

    Wassalamu Aleikum va rahmatullah

  8. Whomever asked the question or made the statement about what's wrong with the marriage must know that the answer is the marriage itself. What's wrong in the marriage is that she didn't choose that man to begin with.

  9. i will pray for,try to love him,don't leave him because ALLAH don't like divorce so please don't make any sort of decision to leave him,Try to love him, Ans what is the exact problem you have,pray THAT ALLAH make ome love in your heart for him.

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