Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Only Allah is there for me


My dad is an educated religious man. People admire him. My mother is good looking and people admire her. When I was young my dad blamed my mother for cheating on him. My dad became short tempered. We were too young to pick one side though we also had doubts, and there were fights everyday. We became against our father every time then after a few months things used to get normal. Then again things got worst. Some times we thought its black magic or evil eye or tough time or a test.. Our granny used to visit as my father was insecure about my mother. We as kids had tough time.. sometimes my dad seemed guilty he said I got blind.

After few years my dad used to come up with a new story about my mother cheating him first with some (uncle) friend of papa and he ended up with them. Later with relative then we ended with that relative too because of dad's doubt.. We argued our dad we were not much intelligent but all we knew was pray to Allah or support our mother. .In every fight mother demanded divorce if he doesn't trust her. He only gave two warnings either he'll get married again or either he'll divorce her or he'll leave us.

All this continued until he got married. Nobody thought how we would be affected... fights at money, fights cause of 2nd family fights, now he doesn't blame my mother's character anymore. But still sometimes he doesn't visit. We spent all life thinking our dear Allah put us in a situation in like age of 8,9 years to choose between father/mother. Things used to get very normal after this 1 year or months patch every time. We used to go out we used to enjoy. We studied in these times we completed education, got jobs as engineers/doctors until we got engaged/married, respected our parents, never picked wrong paths for us. We got tuned to things that our parents are only compromising and they ll fight or be same again just for their own sake. All they fought about all life was them and their married life and marriage issues.

Our father also loves his other kids more as we stood against him in times and he thinks our brains are fed by mother. Allah gave us all big hearts. We were tough kids. Our mother became short tempered she fights with me often. she tells us all the time that she is bearing everything for us. She finds issues in everything I thought she is changed cause of tough times. I kept silent. I supported her. But now my dad doesn't show anger anymore. We always gave chance to our father we always obeyed them and tried to make them proud. We always saw our parents nagging ,fighting and complaining and we kept their fights and issues in our hearts only. My dad has places to go if he has issues - here he vanishes from family 1 and if he has issues at house 2 he stays here for weeks. His wife is not good at all she fights a lot. Mother says that dad got his share.

After all these years I noticed something in my mother few days back. I heard her talking to some guy on phone. I also saw her messages to some guy. At night she keeps talking to him all night. she is keeping it all secret. The number is unknown and he is one we never known. The messages are kind of an affair and she deletes messages every now and then. I am deeply shattered after all this time I'm deeply shattered. . if my mother and dad always fought. it was ok if they always fought at finance, decisions and even their inlaws an issue for fighting.  it was ok if my parents had trust issues. it was even ok if we could not be their priority - they did not think about our innocent brains.

We always thought and prayed Allah show our dad right path. But I can't accept this fact that my mother is having an affair. Especially at this age when we all are married except me. And as I said we were always sensible I am still keeping this to my heart. Can't confront mother. Can't discuss with siblings. Can't discuss with dad don't know his reaction. I have been guilty that Allah showed me times where I had to stand against dad I kind of forgave him without bothering what wrong things he did all life. Maybe cause I love my both parents a lot and thought time changed them or lack of trust. We always thought our parents are immature and we need to handle them carefully.

Was my mother always wrong or my dad's behavior changed her? Does she need someone at this age? Why it has to be flirt guy out there? Is there any single relation that I can trust in this world? At least parents are not worth it. Why we had to understand our parents, why our parents never thought about it? I cant be over it I even dream about it.

I saw those messages  and all I want is never look back again at my family, is that ok in Islam? is that ok if I dont confront her? maybe i m wrong. but messages were about confession of love. Is that ok if I don't want to blame her or dad for ruining our whole lives? I know this seems like a horrible story but I have been there. and I'm still there. I want to add here that in all these time I never look forward to any male or female friend. Why my mother should be allowed any such thing? I have been there too, she had parents I didn't even have parents for me to think about me. I am close to Allah and I consult Allah and religion for every issue in life.

I have my exams and I cant focus. This is another biggest grief that parent gave me... at least I tolerated things because I loved them. Always saw Islam talking about parents rights and uff na karen and how they get separated but what are our rights?


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2 Responses »

  1. Assalamu alaikum sister,

    Dear sister, know that your mother loves you and she will always want the best for you, she will do whatever she needs to, to save you. However, look at the past, look at how your father has broken her down emotionally, and for a second do not think about the consequences on yourself as a child, but think of the consequences on your mother, as a human being.

    Your mother is clearly ashamed and still hides her, what you call an affair, however she is a human being, she has emotions and needs just like all of us, and again we all make mistakes. Be both forgiving and understanding of your mothers actions, its very clear she has been tested by Allah.

    I do not believe that through all the arguments on money and cheating, that it was okay, no it wasnt, it was far from healthy and acceptable, so eventually your mother would want to reach out to others as her needs as a human being are unfulfilled.

    What you need to do is speak to her, allow her to vent and give her that shoulder to rest upon, as of right now, it could be a life changing moment which will make your mothers life better, wouldnt you want that for your own mum? Please try to not be selfish or concerned about how what your mother is doing is affecting you, as the situations she has been through you will not be able to understand until you are in her shoes.

    You need to be strong, but also kind and patient, humble in your approach, you have your exams, but what matters most to you, how brilliantly you do in exams, or how happy your mum is? Ask yourself have you seen your mum happy and when was the last time?

    I feel its unacceptable for you to consider abandoning your family, especially after everything your mum went through, and the fact that after all that she is still there with you.

    What she is doing is definitely wrong, however it doesnt mean you judge your mother nor does it mean you can do the same, follow her journey to see why she is doing what she is doing. Then ask her, tell her about what you know, and help her make the right choice, if your father is abusive, wouldnt you want your mum to be happy in an abuse free environment?

  2. Sister ,

    Your mom having extramarital affair at this stage will give a hint that she might have been doing the same in young age and your father was right to accuse her for cheat and hence the mess . Now you are grown up so you caught your mom .
    If that was the case then she should not play victim card here . Your father too might not have handled his part well .
    It is always better to get divorced in case of illegal affairs rather than giving chance .Your father might have continued this relationship for the sake of kids .

    You need to talk straight to your mom and stop this .also to your father about his behavior ..

    If you allow your mom to continue this affair under your eyes and if you don't put any efforts to stop it you will be sinfull in the sight of Allah .

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