Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Overcoming guilt over past sins

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Salaam alaikum. I just turned 19 years old in July. Recently a couple a months back I repeated the same sin which I have been doing since I was a young child. I got caught up in wrong thoughts and masturbated.

From a very early age, around the age of 9/10 I had been exposed to obscene pornographic content by my uncle who would watch it in front of me. Since then I became desensitised to anything that was inappropriate on television, even so much as kissing seemed minor to me.

I'd sneakily watch porn channels and it became a habit. I also experienced masturbation from that age, as I would copy the actions. I guess I was young and immature girl who wanted to experiment with the adult life, but I didn't consider the consequences at the time for which are haunting me now more than ever. I would also come across porn websites on my uncle/aunti's pc and found it hard to refrain myself. It was all around me. I would also video/take pictures of myself performing acts of masturbation, acting like a complete pornstar.

I was an emotionally wounded child and these actions would block the bad memories and instead I would crave for immediate gratification through sexually driven acts. I am truly ashamed of myself.

I continued watching porn even I disclosed this sin to my parents, which my family came to know about it and thereupon forgave me as I promised not to repeat it henceforth. But I once again gave in to my impulsive desires, I would continue to watch porn wherever I could get access to the web.

I engaged in further sinful acts by using objects and my teddy bears even, which I'd gain pleasure from, as otherwise I couldn't control my sexual drive due to the over exposure at a young age. I know that I am responsible for committing these sinful acts and have just been revealed to the filth of my sins.

I beg for Allah's forgiveness each and every time. I am very sensitive and confess to my wrongdoings, as i have committed many other sins, such as lying and fabricating stories, to even being a catfish and rebuking people online as I wasn't allowed to lead my own life due to the humiliation my family had to go through.

I faced mental torture from a very early age which shut down my conscience, and led me onto the wrong path. I now feel overwhelmed by feelings of remorse and guilt which make it difficult for me to be as happy and normal as other humans. I'm a sinner with a broken heart who wants to break free from the guilt of her past.

I know that it is wrong to reveal sins to others but I pray that Allah swt grants me a husband who I can share my deepest darkest secrets with, and still love me although I know that he will surely be disgusted and judge me. This is all I want. In shaa allah is all that I can say. I continue to ask for forgiveness and strive to become a better, reformed Muslim.

My past has left me scarred and I find it hard to move on, with sleepless nights and negative thoughts looming over my head. I have always been in a depressive state but since I have undergone this guilt phase, which I made it worse for myself by masturbating in the recent few months back. I want to free my heart, soul&mind from this misery. I have faith in Allah's infinite mercy & forgiveness, as no sin is greater than him. But I want to be at peace now more than ever. I want to feel like a normal human being once again. Please pray for me. Jzk



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4 Responses »

  1. Salam.The prophet said when a person commits a sin a blk dot comes on the heart.Until finally the whole heart is blk.So it cannot reflect.Meaning that THE WORDS ALLAH IS ON THE LIPS BUT NO ACTIONS.This process is upto you.You have to keep away from all evil ...t.v music haram foods etc. You must have a daily schedule eg. wake up for fajr then read some quran and complete some zikr.....And when you go to bed finish off with quran duas for sleeping and zikr...Also sometime during the day tead hadiths for 30min min. because knowledge goves you the drive...Remember when you masterbate the shaitan is on you but you cannot see him ..Also i would read manzil daily to make sure you dont have any blk magic down on you!!This process will take sometime it depends on you.The devil will come to you when you are practicing your faith but if you stick to quran or zikr he stays away because it burns him....Success in this life and the next life is solely based on deen.If we go against the commandments of Allah then we lose.yes your heart will feel depression anxiaety sad bad luck no barakah in wealth food you name it.So fear Allah who controls everything even your heart beat so dont oppose the creator or else theres a terrible everlasting punishment waiting for us.....Also the past is the past move on and dont talk about it...NOBODY IS PERFECT IN THIS WORLD EXCEPT PROPHET MUHAMMAD ALTHOUGH HE MADE TAUBA TOO.

    • Walaikum salaam. Thank you so much for your advice and support regarding my problem. May Allah swt accept all your duas and make it easier for you to refrain from committing sins. Ameen.

  2. Assalam o alaikum sister....
    The only thing which can keep u away from all this is zikr. Nobody s perfect in this world and if u feel guilty thn ask forgiveness from allah swt ..inshallah he ll definitely forgive u if u apologize from heart..keep urself busy wit ur studies and Deen work so that no bad thoughts come into ur mind...inshallah u ll hv a wonderful life...Ameen

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